Why did he marry her and not me?

I dated this man whom I was very in love with for almost three years. He had just gotten out of a bad divorce and told me that he probably did not want to get married or have children. But everything else was good, he always told me he loved me, sex was amazing we got along really well and spent a lot of time together etc. He went through a really rough patch towards the end of our relationship which included an arrest, a child custody fight, an alcohol problem and the need to live with me for a few months. I stood by him like glue when most women would have ran away. He broke up with me as soon as he got on his feet. Six months later he was engaged and now married to someone he just met. Guys please I am still trying to reconcile this and its been awhile and I just need to know what I did wrong and why? Thanks.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I've heard of guys who can't deal with the woman being the bread winner or making a higher income, even if he has a decent job. So being dependent may have been a situation he wanted to separate himself from. Maybe he never imagined the table ever being reversed to a point where you would need him that much and things would balance out. One question that is bound to come up is that since he was at a marrying point so quickly, did they really just meet? Could he have known her before you became aware of it? It could be just coincidence, but .

    People are sometimes attracted to others who tell them what they want to hear rather than what is best. Just throwing out ideas here. If they did really just meet, he may be asking himself the same thing soon. Why did I marry her?

    • Thank you this is a great answer. I should have also mentioned that I was a lawyer. So your answer even rings more true based on that.


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What Guys Said 2

  • It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. You may have been a stable rebound from his recent divorce.

    I know that when I got divorced, I was not in any proper emotional state to be in another. I could fake it very easy, but it wasn't real.

  • It sounds like you really loved this dude but that he had a messed up life. This may sound totally crazy, but I think that he really loves you too, but that he married this girl because he knows it won't work out with her and because he's afraid of commitment with you. I believe he loves you but is afraid to settle down again with someone he truly loves because of the fear that it won't work out again. His heart was evidently smashed into a million pieces with his ex-wife. I believe he's afraid of true love because he cannot handle the enormous hurt he has and the fear of losing you because he loves you so much and he went through that before. If this is the case, I would give him his space to do all the running he needs to do. The marriage may end and he may find out that he truly does love you enough to try to work through the pain in his heart. If not, you are certainly free to move on. It's your choice of whether to wait for him or not. Those are just my thoughts, and come from my own personal experience over the last 8 years or so. I'm not sure if it helps or not, but I hope so. :)


What Girls Said 2

  • ohhh girl,

    I feel where you are coming from. N I often see this situation with many women who are involved with dependent men (at the time). See when he was down in the dumps and things weren't working out for him. You were his rock. I'm sure that you helped him out heaps right? But instead of being like his girlfriend you were more like his mother (like taking care of him and stuff) and this simply makes it a lot harder for him to have that attraction for you.

    I know its really hard to explain . but if you go to a blog called Baggage Reclaim, the author talks a lot about this.

    Maybe if he stayed with you . he was just going to think about all the bad things that he had to go through and just wanted a fresh start

    Whatever the reason. I think its time for you to accept that he is moved on . and that obviously you don't want a guy like that who gets up and leaves like that.

    With that said, you have to ask yourself the question. Did you like being the caring girlfriend who helped out her boyfriend in distraught, because this made you feel needed and love. Or would you prefer a different relationship where your boyfriend was more independent and didn't have to rely on you that much?

    Neways stay strong

    Hot Alpha Female

  • Pathetic. If he would have left you just like that with hardly any explanation, you are wayyy better off without the loser/douchebag. Not only did you waste your precious time dealing with him in hopes there would be a ring, he ultimately destroyed your dream. Stop loving him. A person who really loves you (and I don't agree with the anonymous person who said he really loved you but wouldn't marry you because of this and that blah blah bull shiit!) If someone really loved you they would be with you through thick and thin and richer or poorer just like marriage vows and he seems to have failed at getting you. LOVE yourself and care for yourself right now and try to forget him. He's not worth it.

    He was a user.