Do you pay for the first date? Is holding hands okay?

If you ask a girl out to dinner, but it's not established that you're dating yet or you're only friends but you are trying to show your interest, do you still pay for her? I ask because I'd rather not pay for anyone anymore until we're officially going out, because in the past I've paid for girls I was interested in before just to have them turn me down and it makes me feel used... I show them respect, courtesy and treat them well and yet they feel nothing in return?. Can I assume then a girl who does refuse dinner with me because I won't pay only wants to use me as a free meal ticket?

If a date does go well, is it okay to hold her hand afterward? I want a first date to end with her knowing I'm interested, and hopefully reciprocating in some way.

Updates:
Thanks guys, I guess I'm just paranoid after so much rejection

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes, you offer to pay for the first date. Show her that chivalry's not dead. If she offers to split the check, she's just being polite. If you can't afford to treat a girl to lunch/dinner, don't ask her out. This comes from the general rule that the person who asks to go out is the person who pays for the meal. If she asks you out, she is offering to pay for the meal. Guys don't usually go for that. For example, a friend of mine was asked to go out to lunch with by a girl he likes. He made an excuse that he wasn't available at that time, but later on he called and asked if she was free at an alternate time, saying he'd be able to clear his schedule for her. Smooth and chivalrous. THose two have been together for years now, yet they still stick to this "code".

    As for hand holding, the first date is usually too soon. Try walking close to her, touching her hand or brushing your arm against hers to give her goosebumps. If you get the desired reaction, DON'T pounce on her with the hand holding. Wait till you walk her to her door and take her hand then. Watch for the tell-tale goosebumps. That's how you know whether or not hand-holding is in your future.

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What Girls Said 15

  • Hmmm, I can see your point about not wanting to be used as a free meal ticket. But there aren't really a lot of girls out there who would even give you their precious time if they weren't intrested in you. Now, I'm not a golddigger, and I'm not the sort of girl who when I have a boyfriend I expect him to pay for everything- I actually firmly believe in the 50/50 sharing thing in relationships. BUT me personally, on the first few dates I pretty much expect the guy to pay for me. Let me explain-

    To me, if a guy really values me, and doesn't just want to get into my pants, and wants to get to know me as a person, then he will WANT to pay for me. It generally makes you guys feel all manly, and makes us girls feel special. If he WANTS to pay for me, it tells me two things- 1st, he thinks I'm worth it, 2nd, he wants to impress me, which basically means that he likes me and wants me to like him back.

    I recently went out on a date on Monday. He paid for icecream, 2 drinks each at a bar- but then when we went to have our meal (which he also paid for) I offered to pay for our drinks. He felt bad letting me do it, but I was grateful for all the effort he had already put in, and I knew that before the night was over, it would probably end up costing him an arm and a leg. Not all girls are going to offer that though, and some of them do it as a test to see what you'd say. (That's only when she offers to pay her complete share though- not just a round)

    As for the holding hands thing- I would probably refrain from doing that for the first few dates. It's a cute gesture, but when there isn't much established between you already, it can be a little awkward. The best way to show you are interested is to just keep on persuing her and asking her out on more dates. Make sure you wait a few days before you ask for another date though- that way the events of the first date will have time to sink in properly and she won't feel pressured. Hope it works out for you. Let us know how it goes :D

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  • NEVER NEVER NEVER does a girl pay for a first date. The guy is supposed to be "courting" her - winning her over - and proving himself to her. If she makes it too easy and he doesn't have to "work for her", he has no respect and doesn't really value her. He has to feel like he's winning something - her heart. You have the wrong attitude about a girl thinking you are a meal ticket. If that's so - then you are asking the WRONG girl out, Dude. Sounds like you don't really trust the women you are asking out. You don't have to go to some expensive dinner. Yes, it's fine to try to hold her hand - that is sweet - but if she doesn't want to - I'd take that as a sign that she's not all that into you , yet. I'd suggest a first date at a place that isn't very expensive if your're too afraid that you will become a Sugar Daddy. Kind of a suspicious attitude - but whatever. Just slam your wallet shut and see how long she hangs around. If he really likes you.. she will not bolt. Good luck.

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    • Well when I say not pay, I mean not pay her portion, and I pay my own. Of course I'd pay for myself. However when I'm paying for her and courting her and she still says no, then I'm the one who isn't being valued...

    • If I'm great guy, I don't have to prove sh*t to you. If I pay for you, it's because I believe in chivalry. Not because it shows that I "respect" you.

      Stupid, naive girls think "he spends money on me, he must respect me."

  • It's not completely necessary for a guy to pay, but it does make girls think you're more polite and chilvalrous if you at least offer. I usually make sure I give them at least enough money for the tip (cuz I don't wanna take their money) But it is always nicer when you know the guy cares enough to want to pay.

    And yes, a girl who refuses to go out with you because you won't pay probably just wants a free meal.

    And yes! hand holding is very good! but make sure its very close to the end of a date, and only if you're both feeling it... awkward moment hand holding can be too much

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  • Girls love confident men -- just as a guy likes a woman who knows what she wants. Works both ways. Right? All of us have been turned down more than once in this life. That only means - you haven't found the right girl! Have fun with it... Relax - be yourself - and when you are with the right one, you will know!

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  • if your asking a girl out, you pay. and to avoid any misunderstanding let her know its a DATE date not a date as friends. if the date goes well of course hold her hand, but read her body language if she seems distant and uninterested don't make the mistake of holding her hand, she'll just pull away or slowly slide her hand out making you feel like a moron. good luck.

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  • don't be cheap.. if YOU asked her to dinner,

    then YOU pay.

    I'd expect the same from her if she asked you.

    However, the intention to pay of the female should be intercepted by the man to pay.

    It's just a rule of courtship.

    If you asked her to dinner and you don't pay, she probably won't stay interested.

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    • I asked her so I should pay... yeah that was the concept I wasn't grasping before

    • The dastardly scheme here is that girls never ask guys out to dinner. Muhahahaha

    • Yea there is a real dark side to guys paying for everything that no one wants to talk about.

  • I think it's awesome that your such a gentlemen. Paying for the girl is traditional and Girls love that! Sometimes if girls go out on the first date and don't get that vibe they back off. Its not that they are using you for grub, its that they are just not that into you. Continue to do what your doing. Trust me, Girls like a gentlemen. We can't resist that quality and if they don't continue seeing you, then they are not worth your time.

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  • Awh, well if I were you I would try making sure that had a DEFINITE interest in me before I paid for them. It's really sweet though, you sound like a very nice guy c: And yes, holding hands is really adorable and most girls love it.

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  • its totally ok for guys to pay on the 1st date...in fact if you want a 2nd date you'd pay lol. now holdin hands..i wouldn't but it depends on how long yall have been talking...but a hug will go a loong way

    =]

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  • Guys pay for every date in my book. Sorry, but if you ask.. you pay(:

    Thats how it is for alotta people. Hold hands, she'll either love it or hate it yo..

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  • Paying for dinner is really sweet! also yeah it's fine to hold hands. It's not a big deal.

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  • Yes you do pay whether dating or not

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  • you def have to pay if you asked them out. If they asked you its there job to pay. Holding hands go for it what's wrong with that oh yeah nothing. the worst that can happen is them puling back.

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  • Well if you ask her to go somewhere then you should at least be nice enough to pay for her and I don't think I would hold hands on the first date I'd wait till like the 3rd or so

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  • if a guy doesn't pay for the first date with me then he won't get a second. maybe I take that seriously but I feel like if a guy asks me out then he should do it because he likes me and wants to spend time with me and maybe lead into a relationship. one thing you can do is get to know the girl before you ask her out. like be around her and hang out a few times before you just immediately ask her out. let time build, that way you can see if the vibe between you is real and not just her saying yes because she wants free dinner

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What Guys Said 11

  • I got some thoughts...

    1) If you invite her to dinner, you should pay. When you're together you can share the meals. If you don't have the cash, or you don't want to spend it on a girl you don't yet know, then do have meals on dates. Instead invite her to do other things - a coffee with dessert, or ice creme, or dinner at your place, etc.

    2) I've been on many many dates and I can promise you that there are VERY few girls saying yes to a date just because she wants a free meal. Unless you're dating the homeless. So quit worrying about being a victim. If she's not worth paying for then don't invite her to dinner.

    3) If you've asked her out on a "date" then she ALREADY KNOWS YOU'RE INTERESTED. It's not a secret. Don't use "holding hands" or any other form of intimacy as a way of "indicating your interest."

    Get it out of your head that she needs to "know I'm interested."

    Why? Because her attraction for you has NOTHING to do with how attracted you are to her. Showing her isn't going to increase her attraction. You are misguided if you believe this.

    Her attraction to you is based upon her impression of you, and how she feels when with you. Her feelings are not rational and therefore will not be influenced by "knowing how interested you are."

    Soooo... if you want to hold her hand, because you want to feel her touch, then just do it when you feel it's appropriate. Sharing intimacy is nice and a pretty natural escalation of the relationship.

    If she doesn't want to hold hands it simply means you haven't created enough attraction or enough trust. Take step back, relax, and try again in an hour, or the next date.

    Her attraction will be based upon how she feels when she's with you. Is she happy, excited, nervous, uncertain? She should be. You can help her feel this way by BEING fun, exciting, unpredictable, interesting, and even by teasing her playfully.

    If you want to build trust and comfort then you need to slow down, relax, talk slower, make more eye contact, share intimate stories and secrets, and laugh together.

    I hope this helps!

    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

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  • If all you're looking for is casual friendship, then by all means let her pay for her own meal.

    Usually when girls pay for their own meal on a first date, they're saying that they only expect to be friends with you. Usually they also already have a boyfriend.

    I understand there are some girls who might try to take advantage of you...I fortunately haven't run into many, but I know they exist...

    If it's a major concern for you, then you should try to do cheaper or even free first dates. There's no rule that says you have to take a girl out to dinner when you first meet her. If she's interested in you, she's not going to care about the meal anyway.

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  • Generally, a girl you ask out to dinner would expect you to pay on at least the first few dates. I wouldn't worry about being used for a free meal, because I don't think there are many girls out there who would date a guy they have no interest in just for a free dinner. If she agrees to go out with you, it's safe to assume she is interested in you. If it feels right, you could try holding her hand after the date though some girls might not be comfortable with that on the first date. It's not really necessary as a way of showing you're interested though. You can do that by telling her at the end of the date that you had a great time with her and later asking her for another date.

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  • You can tell her to pay for herself and you probably won't ever see her again, just because she will think your cheap. You asked her on a date so you should pay, now how old are you really, because any guy who is at least 18 knows that you pay, and that yes it is OK to hold her hand on a date.

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  • Paying her hamburger (or more or less) doesn't entitle you to anything but a smile. It's okay to hold her hand afterwards if she likes it. If not it's exaggerated.

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  • I always believed that regardless of it being a date or not, if you ask a girl out, you pay.

    As for holding hands, others have answered it well enough.

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  • If your ask her for date then you should pay and if she ask you for date then she should pay.

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  • u pay for every date that you invite her on. she's your guest.

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  • Strictly no touching on the first date, especially at dinner tables. Didn't your mommy ever tell you that? Although rubbing her leg under the table might be ok.

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  • Its the cost of doing business, if a girl refuses to let you pay she is telling you she isn't interested in you don't waste your time, if you feel comfortable and she feels comfortable with touching hands ie you hit it off great... touch is important...lets them know you want a physical relationship not a friendsship...

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  • just do what feels right dude

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