Guys would you date without having sex?

[LoloWaye]

I don't like purely sexual relationships. I don't like being used. I HATE being seen as only good enough for sex but not good enough to commit to. I've decided to stop having sex until an exclusive, committed relationship is established. Guys, would you put up with that?

Yes

No

Other

Updates

+1 y

That's the main thing I'm trying to avoid. People say its the girls faukt when a guy fucks her over because she should have seen the red flags before hand. But any guy will leave without sex.

Where's the balance?

[RegularTK421]

Let me ask you an important question, how are you being used? Also, just because a relationship doesn't work, doesn't mean the man was using you or that you didn't have a relationship to begin with. Also, you need to be able to read signs as well. Some people are more laid back and like their space to breathe and function. Others want a partner who is more clingy and needy, because it makes them feel wanted/loved. So what you might interpret as "casual", one might interpret as a mature, secure relationship with someone who is stable. What one determines to be a "close" relationship, someone else might see it as the girl is way too obsessed, she blows his phone up 24/7 and questions his every move due to her jealousy and insecurity. I just don't know enough about you to make that determination, and we also are not able to hear the other side of the story. Not everyone is compatible.

[LoloWaye]

Why have sex with someone who isn't compatible?

I posted a questuon the other day about this. I talked to the last guy I was seeing for a little bit. He told me he liked me, didn't mind showing it and wanted to be with me. Only then was i comfortable enough tonhave sex with him. Things ended when he said he was getting back together with his ex.

When we just talked he said he "likes" peoppe but doesn't see himself in a relationship with them. Then said he wanted a friendship and it turned into a fwbs situation when it shouldn't have. This isn't what he said in the beginning at all.

So he used me until he was done.

[LoloWaye]

I'm being used because he got what he wanted under false pretenses.

[RegularTK421]

@LoloWaye Ok, well you gave it a fair chance. I'm not saying to toss out sex to every man who shows you attention, but realistically it takes time to find the "one." I think a few things were going on in your case, first he was never really over his ex. They probably had something going on the whole time. He also doesn't want a relationship, and clearly outlined that later. So he probably did like you, but had more feelings for his ex and never really intended a relationship to begin with. I don't think any of this was your fault, or anything that you did.

[RegularTK421]

@LoloWaye Ok, so he did say he wanted a relationship with you then changed his mind post sex right? Yeah that is deception. How well did you know this man?

[LoloWaye]

Not very long. About a month in. The whole thing lasted about 3 months.

[RegularTK421]

@LoloWaye Ok, so you never really did witness him in any prior relationships, or really knew him for a long time? He sounds like the player type. Next time, feel them out a bit more then a month, a month is too soon to really know someone and their true intentions. If he leaves due to a lack of sex, then you already have your answer. Also, you can tell by what else they have going on in their lives. If the man is 26, and he doesn't have a job, a drivers license, a car, and isn't doing shit with his life, then you know he's not really serious about settling down. You can also tell by general maturity. What kind of music does he listen to? Is he out still partying every night like a teenager, or is he more of a homebody?

[Bindos]

Yea, I was in a relationship with someone a bit agoI was still partly in italy for that I think, who was pretty unsure, but it was completely ok, we loved each other and there were so many other things we did non-sexual like going on walks together etc but also sexual (without sex) and if people in these comments say no because they need to get their "relief" you obvs dont need to have sex for that. I think if someone is not up for that or does not respect that you might have to ask yourself if they are really worth it, I mean its not like you are saying never is it?

[lovelyhoneybones]

I'm in a long distant relationship, so we really don't have a choice in that matter. Though I do feel like since sex isn't in the picture at the moment, there's a lot more love than lust.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I can't have an adult relationship without sex. Obviously it doesn't have to be sex-centric, but I'm no abstinent Christian girl.

[LoloWaye]

I'm not abstinent nor religious myself. I'm just worried about being used. Pump and dump.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Yeah being committed is the way to go - that wasn't what I was implying.

[CoolSky01]

to get that kind of treatment from a guy you have to be :
1- really attractive
2- great personality
3- decent all over
4- a catch and someone he rarely meets
5- very loyal
6- worth waiting and a virgin who has done nothing before.

if yo dont meet these six requirements no guy will date you without sex, just look at it from our point of view, you had sex before so not a virgin the other dudes didn't have to wait so now why should i? are they better than me? thats one, and two if the girl lacks the great qualities guys look for in a girl including looks, good personality and loyality she simply won't be considered good for a long term thing.

to ask for that kind of treatment you first have to virgin.

[Twistboy101]

I forgot the name of what you call a relationship without sex... But I mean I think it would be kinda cool... Kisses would be nice but we don't have to have intercourse... i would just want someone to feel normal and myself around... one that I could talk for hours with... if I could find that then forget sex lol it's not needed.

[Fullyt]

Platonic is the word you need

[Twistboy101]

Yeah there it is! lol I alwaats forget it

[meatballs21]

No. I don't want to be a committed long term relationship until I know that I am sexually compatible with someone, or else we're wasting each other's time.

Note that a guy can just agree to whatever conditions you put on your vag, and then if it turns out you're a bad lay, break up with you anyway. It sucks but it happens.

[LoloWaye]

Yeah that's the bad part. I want to avoid being used but it can still happen.

[meatballs21]

Unfortunately you can't save yourself from disappointment in your life. However, it is all a learning experience and will help you recognize the best people who are worthy of your time when you do meet them.

[LoloWaye]

I don't understand how people can move on so easily. This just happened to me recently and I don't feel good. And it really bothers me that the guy is going about his life happy and unaffected. How do I the same?

[meatballs21]

That's part of the learning experience - figuring out how to deal with the fact that people are going to use or abuse you and not care about it one tiny bit. It's not being harsh or cynical - it's learning that's what the real world is like and how to protect yourself from it.

[meatballs21]

*to clarify, *they* are not going to care about it

[LoloWaye]

It all sounds so frustrating

[genericname85]

don´t you realize that a "commited relationship" is not a contract or something? you can just go at any given time. nothing keeps you from it.

i mean you can make them wait for sex but that same strategy will also deter guys who are genuinely interested in a relationship.

i certainly wouldn´t date someone without sex, cause sex is fun and i do look for a relationship but i also want some fun on the way and if she´s not even open for some fun, i won´t consider her for a relationship either.

putting the label "relationship" on it doesn´t change shit. just saying.

[LoloWaye]

Good point. How can I tell if they're using me or not? That's the main thing I'm trying to avoid. People say its the girls faukt when a guy fucks her over because she should have seen the red flags before hand. But any guy will leave without sex.

Where's the balance?

[genericname85]

you see i´d say most guys aren´t like "yeah i´ll fuck that cunt and then just dump her like a whore" xD most guys will have had good intentions but it just wasn´t enough of a connection between you and them to convince them. guys are insecure too, they don´t "really" know if they want a girl or not but they surely are horney and want the sex either way.

i mean a guy that´s actually really interested of getting to know you better will stick around for i´d say a month or two without sex. you can make him wait for so long, i guess but that´s still no guarantee that he will want to commit to you.

my advice for you would be: don´t look at sex as something you can only have in a commited relationship. it´s also a way of getting someone to know you better and to get to know them better. it can help with feeling more attached to each other but it may also not. mainly it is fun and that´s why you should have it. not because you have any relationship expectations attached to it.

[LoloWaye]

Why do I need to have sex to get to know someone better, when I don't feel good about it? The only time sex is good and fun for me is when I know the guy has feelings for me. If not it doesn't feel like anything.

[genericname85]

well he has feelings for you, otherwise he wouldn´t have sex. sex isn´t just about sticking your dick in some hole. there´s always an emotional aspect to it. just maybe not enough to call you his girlfriend. it´s a whole different thing.

[LoloWaye]

He has feelings for my body, but only sees me as a friend. That's what that sounds like.

[genericname85]

that´s what girls always assume! it´s not him having feelings for your body. lust isn´t just an egoistic thing. it´s about making them feel good too. it´s a thing you do together. that´s just like assuming he´s taking you out to get something to eat just cause he wants food.

[LoloWaye]

But it's still based solely off lust

[genericname85]

it´s more complex than that. it´s not like "you want to stick your dick in some girl to get off". you´re seeking for validation, physical closenes and apreciation, while at the same time, you want to give all those things to someone else, cause you got love to give.
yeah you might en up not considering them for a relationship but that´s not your initial intention...
it´s pretty hard to know if you wanna commit to someone... and it´s even harder if you need to decide about your commitment before you even had sex, where you learn about if all the things i mentioned are even wanted or properly reciprocated. for us guys this is just very important.

[LoloWaye]

I guess.

[genericname85]

but just to close this off: i think giving them a 2 month wait for sex will not deter the ones that have genuine interest but it´s pretty likely to deter the ones that just want sex to begin with.

[Hans222]

Absolutely, I wouldn't want to have sex on one of the first dates... first learn to know her really well and become "a couple" and than the rest may come :D

[Titanic1912]

I'm going to date someone for a year at least and then talk to her dad and ask if I can marry her. If he's okay with that, then she and I can look at some jewelry stores and pay attention to what she "ooohs" and "ahhhs" at. Then after I ask the question, we're going to wait a year or less.

[dogbert444]

To me, that is what dating is all about. Getting to know the girl without sex getting in the way. So, sure, that's the way dating goes for me.

[dogbert444]

Thanks for MHG!

[Anonymous]

I would, though I wouldn't be exclusive until we're having very regular sex. As much as you hate feeling like you're being used for sex, many guys hate feeling like they're good enough for everything BUT sex (i. e., the friend zone). So while I'm happy to go on plenty of dates before sex, I wouldn't stop meeting other girls and setting up other dates until I'm in an actual relationship.

[LoloWaye]

This makes sense. I want to be exclusive if we have sex. Then I won't feel so bad. But I don't want them to do anything just to get the sex.

[Opinion Owner]

Have you had a lot of guys bolt as soon as they had sex with you or something? Usually that's a pretty good indication that the relationship is progressing, no?

[LoloWaye]

I have. Or they weren't honest about their intentions and did and said things to get me to trust them.

[Opinion Owner]

How long did your relationships typically last between the start of having sex and break up? Also, how long did you usually wait between first date and sex?

[DodgersGM]

I'll totally date without sex. That's my preference.

When it becomes a committed relationship, then I want/need us to have a sexual relationship.

[kitty71]

I agree but some people believe sex is a key and the main issue for me it ain't until u know that person well and have more steady and serious relationship with that person

[DodgersGM]

@kitty71 Agreed. I've had sex both ways: with women I was completely in love with, and with women who I genuinely liked but was still in that getting-to-know-you phase.

With the two of women I loved, the sex was mind-blowing. It wasn't just a physical experience -- it was on a different plane.

With the two women I liked (but wasn't in love with yet), it felt more mechanical and... hollow. I won't make that mistake again.

[TomBowl]

Good luck with that.

I don't intend to ever consider dating a girl that won't have dex with me.

But, that's a good thing you feel that way. Know your worth. Just don't expect to be able to avoid sex, as it's just plain not likely you'll get a guy that you want that way.

Whether or not you realize it now, you don't want to commit to a guy that doesn't have sex as his number 1 priority.

Good luck.

[LoloWaye]

I don't want to avoid sex, I want to avoid being used.

[TomBowl]

I'm sure you don't, but I promise you that you'll probably have to have sex with someone before you start dating them.

Trust me, you don't want a guy that doesn't want to have sex with you before you date them. The notion that that's a viable option is frankly pretty embarrassing.

[ibotje]

For sure but you need to find the right guy for it and i'm sure if there really are that many as the poll shows you. I know i could do that perfectly fine though.

[notallthere98]

I absolutely do NOT want to have sex, so yes I would date without sex happily

[Anonymous]

Sort of. I don't really want to date for s long time without being a couple. So sure I can wait a few dates till we decide to be a couple or not. But once we are I want to be sexual and want a partner who also wants to be.

[geonator]

It's not necessarily that all you're good for is sex, it could be that the guys who used you were ones who weren't actually looking for depth in a relationship. Which is stupid. You're making a good decision

[Billlewis]

Absolutely -- that's the ideal arrangement for a wimp like me.

[Prof_Don]

I can wait until a relationship to have sex. I usually like to lock down a relationship early in the dating process.

[Prof_Don]

Plus I'm not comfortable having random sex with women I barely know. Not every person is someone one should spiritually bond with through sex.

[RationalMale]

Probably lots of girls could do that--date and don't have sex. but.

The girl has to be quality enough that the guy is willing to date without sex, and/or she has to lower her standards enough.

[Barrabus_the_Free]

Not a fucking snowball's chance on the surface of the sun. I won't be used for attention, as an emotional tampon, or as a source for free stuff. If she's not fucking you, she's using you for all those other things. Fuck that for a laugh.

[LoloWaye]

Isn't he using me too?

[Barrabus_the_Free]

Do you enjoy sex?

[LoloWaye]

I do. But only if the person has feelings for me. If not it doesn't feel like anything for me.

[Barrabus_the_Free]

No qualifiers. A simple yes or no: do you get pleasure from the physical act of having sex?

You don't have to answer, we both know the answer is yes. So you can't be used for sex, since you're benefiting from it also.

If you're putting out, and he's being your emotional tampon and source of free stuff, then once again, you're both getting a benefit from your arrangement. It may not be the ideal way of doing things, but ideal and reality are two very different things that are incredibly far from each other.

[LoloWaye]

1. I buy my own things. I pay for my half when I go out.
2. The only people hearing about the hard shit in my life are my friends. I'm not telling some guy who probably isn't going to be around longer than 2 months personal things going on in my life.

[Nasefm]

sex and love is an eternal bond, but the issue is some males/females uses a sex only for undeclared reasons, or definitely bad intents that includes usage.

[Nasefm]

hear you will need to do your examinations and analysis with whom you gonna agree to have sex with, since that there's no escape of it.

[Decentguy]

sure, would love to, because im waiting till marriage