Am I over thinking things when he doesn't call or text?

I really need your thoughts on what is going on with me right now. I have been seeing this guy for 3 weeks, maybe once or twice a week because of work and other stuff. He is not romantic or affectionate. He told me he wants us to be more than friends and start dating officially. I haven't given him an answer yet because I have just gotten out of another "unofficial" relationship, meaning this other guy treated me as his girlfriend but I was not. I have been hurt before, hence the hesitation to commit.

I am an affectionate woman, loves hugs and kisses and of course, the texts and calls. My previous guy was into that, constantly reminding me of how much he misses me, etc... This new guy is not. I told him I understand that he is the way he is and I'll try to accept it. He said that is why he likes me, because I try to understand him even though he knows it is hard for me not to constantly communicate with him.

I am confused though because he does not call me everyday or even text me. If I ask him something through text, he will answer but that is about it. The last time we went out, we saw a movie and he was really sweet, he held my hand, and kissed my forehead. After the movie, we went back to his place, cuddled and I told him I like him. His reply was, "you better". And then explained that he also likes me more than I know, that when he is busy at work, he thinks of me. But he didn't volunteer that information, I had to ask him.

Am I over thinking things when he doesn't call or text? I know that that is not the only way to find out if a guy still likes you but it has been bugging me. It has come to a point where I want to start our relationship officially to see if things will be different. I just need a deeper understanding because I would like to commit to him but I'm not sure where I stand.

Updates:
We had a long talk last night. And he admitted that the closer he gets to a person, the more he feels he needs to put some distance. He's only had 2 long term relationships and both girls hurt him. He grew up with an emotionally abusive mom.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well give it a shot if you really like him... But my philosphy is always, things should be easy in the beginning, and it sounds like you guys are already clashing in communication. That doesn't bode well for the long term. That doesn't mean it's doomed, and if you guys are a complete match other places (interest, intellect, in the bedroom), then it's worth working on.

    But analyzing why he does/doesn't text/call/etc. is kinda pointless. It's just the way he is. And you shouldn't worry yourself over you WANTING texts/calls/etc. It's just the way YOU are. So either find some common ground that satisfies both of you, or drop it.

    PS: I know you're maybe scared of being hurt again, but I think you're applying the right idea to the wrong person. The other guy didn't want to date you officially; that's what hurt you. This guy DOES. So being afraid that this new guy is gonna hurt you in a similar way isn't reasonable, because he's already proving he won't! You might wanna take some time on your own just to work out those issues, so you don't drag old baggage that has nothing to do with the new guy into your relationship. Maybe suggest you two continue to go on official dates, and set a time limit for the "where is this going" talk.

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    • I don't want to compare how he was when we first started seeing each other to how he is now because it's just going to make me analyze what else has changed. You're right, I need to find something that we can both compromise on. Thank you!

What Guys Said 3

  • He sounds like a very cerebral, introspective guy. I'd say give it a shot. Being disappointed because you don't get baby-boo affection is silly, and quite frankly, immature. No offense. I understand that girls like to feel loved and all that, but if your need for affection is that strong, how do you manage even being single?

    I like his "you better," response. He's self assured. Use that to your advantage. If you get in a relationship with him, show him new things that make him excited and inquisitive.

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    • No offense taken. Thank you for your honesty. In my past relationships, which you can count in one hand, being affectionate is a given. I like telling them how much they mean to me and they respond so I think I got used to it. It is taking a little bit of an adjustment to not even say anything when all I want to do is let him know I was thinking of him. My ex used to say he loved the feeling of being wanted or needed and that is what I want him to feel too.

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    • I really appreciate you guys taking the time to answer my question. And again, I am not offended. I like honesty at all times :)

    • It is difficult to really understand what a person says without seeing or hearing the person. I think Miss America had the right answer when she was answering about gay marraige, but I thought the way she answered it(tone of voice and saying, "No offense," cost her! It wasn't what she said, it was how she said it, and if you would have said to me "No offense," I would be offended by that, but would not have if you have said, I hope I did not offend you or I don't mean to offend you."

  • This is tough to answer. Is the guy shy? I am shy and I am like that or was like that. I am no longer shy as I was, but acted that way until I got to know the woman. Maybe he is shy.

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    • He did say before that he has no game, and I kept assuring him he does because he made me like him. He has such a dry humor that even when he is not even talking, he makes me laugh. But I do think that he is shy and we are still getting to know each other. I will definitely take that inot consideration when I'm with him. Thanks!

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    • IXenomorph, that is so true. It's weird how he said the same thing, about walls around him. (Update posted btw) So now, he said he doesn't want to hurt me but when I mentioned not seeing each other anymore, he got sad and said no, he doesn't want me to go

    • That explains a lot. Thank you for the update. I can empathize with him a lot because I too behave in the same way, as a matter of fact. I have never had an intimate partner in my life.

      That said, in his shoes, all I'd want is for you to make me feel safe and be there for me. I think you should do the same, just don't push too hard or he might push back. Warm up to him, nice and slow.

  • I would leave it alone! Women should not ever settle! He seems to like you, however if you need more affection you have to let this guy down!

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What Girls Said 3

  • If he cannot give you the affection you want now he never will. Men do not change because the enter into a relationship, if you are already frustrated you may be more disappointed after you start a relationship w/him. It sounds like you like the challenge of changing him, just remember the number one rule, do NOT try to change a man because you will not be able to. So I would tread lightly here. Being alone may be less lonely than being w/a man who is not affectionate (been in a relationship like this and it was awful for me). Good luck to you!

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    • I really hope that I am not trying to change him because that is the last thing I want to do. That is why I need other people's perspective to help me clear my thoughts. Thank you for the advice. I definitely have a lot of things I need to think about.

  • He said "you better?" That's a red flag to me of being a guy who may try to control the whole situation into what HE wants in a relationship. To be honest, communication is of top importance in a relationship, and if you don't mesh well on that, that's a BIG deal and it'll really wear you down after a while. It'll frustrate you and you'll wish he were different. I dated a guy for a year and we weren't the same communication-wise and that was the case after a while: I wanted way more than he could give and that's doing BOTH of you a disservice.

    Also, if you like affectionate men, that is not shallow. Physical touch is incredibly important, and if it's something you like in a partner, then you shall have it!

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  • women to women you sound just like me! my ex was not affectionate at all! and when he tried you could tell it was forced and I thought I could accept it an that's just how it was going to be as long as I was with him. He would actually get irritated when I'd try to steal kisses from him and when I'd say bye love you he's get irritated because that's not how he is and he would make fun of me if my feeling got hurt when he didn't respond back. we were together for 2 & 1/2 years and let me just tell you if you need the affection it will be the loneliest feeling relationship you could ever be in! Good luck and I wish you well!

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    • Are you still with him?

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