My fiance kissed a married women (coworker)

My fiance and I were having a lot of problems. In the mean time, he started working on a project with a female coworker (she's married) which he later introduced me to. (maybe 2 weeks after they'd been working together everyday).

I didn't like her and told him straight that she's immature. My fiance confided in her about our problems and she encouraged him to break up with me.

So I called her and bitched her out. I said that it is not her place to decide. I also asked her how she would feel if I did the same to her husband?

That same day, my fiance and I had a fight and so I left the apartment for the weekend. That weekend, he and her and some coworkers went out. with some alcohol, they kissed.

He later told me about a week after the incidence. I said to him I am not surprised. I sensed that he had developed some sort of emotional affair with her and that kissing was a something bound to happen when alcohol is involved.

At first, he wasn't sorry. he blamed a lot on our problems. then later, he said he's really sorry. and that he had stopped talking to the co worker. he said he also hates her now.

I am HURT. I questioned myself if I really know this man. I always thought of him as a faithful, loving person. I know that we were having problems, but I didn't think that SHE would be considered a solution for him.

Also, this women is married. I question her moral? I question why my fiance even chose to be so close to her in the first place?

i m so tired of thinking. please someone tell me what to do.

We are still together but I am thinking of leaving him everday.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • "At first, he wasn't sorry. he blamed a lot on our problems. then later, he said he's really sorry. and that he had stopped talking to the co worker. he said he also hates her now. "

    he isn't sorry for anything...if he was he'd know WHY he was sorry and for what...he probably hates her now because she doesn't want to be involved with him or realized that he isn't what she thought he was...so he can't have her anymore and boom he's sorry for you and hates her now because she turned him away...

    YOU HAVE A FIANCE its basically being married...i don't care what anyone else says, cheating is a NO NO...if you have the urge to cheat you do not want to be with that person...sure people find other attractive and even imagine "what if" but a married couple or enganged couple do NOT make moves if they are truly in love..can you imagine what he'd be doing/saying to you if you did this to him...

    i'd take some time, clear your head and really evaulate your relationship, morals, and yourself to really figure out what you want as a person and if you can deal with the fact that your potential husband once cheated on you...even if it was just a kiss...but id def recommend to take soem time away from him - this means no communication, you need to see what life is like w/o him, sure its going to suck but you also can't ahve him persuading you to think a certain diretion when he's the one that messed up...

    everyone will give you their opinions on here and best advice, but in the end it comes down to you...so you need to take time and really think about what you want in a man and if you can live with teh fact he kissed this married women...if you see yourself bringing this up 5-10 years from now then you're not going to want to get married to this guy - you want to know w/o a doubt that he won't cheat on you when you're married...

    good luck

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What Guys Said 5

  • What he did was wrong.

    You two were fighting, and I'm sure he was having second thoughts.

    The bottom line here is it sounds like he is tryin to do the right thing...even if he should have done it from the start.

    I don't think it would have mattered who she was...but her being married, and it sounds like in an unhappy marriage, presented the opportunity.

    Have the two of you really talked about what happened?

    If you picked him there had to be a reason. Is it enough to stay?

    If you decide to stay, I would highly recommend you sit down together and talk about something else.

    The rules of engagement.

    If you don't want arguments to scale out of control, and you want to be able to resolve conflict, then you need rules you BOTH agree on if problems arise...and as with any relationship, they will.

    Things like:

    Where to talk. It is best to both sit down when dealing with problems. Standing, walking, or pacing only exacerbates the situation as it allows heart and breathing rate to rise and fans the flames.

    Deal with one thing at a time...no laundry lists.

    No name calling.

    No hauling back resolved problems.

    No yelling.

    Active listening. One person has the floor at a time. Find an item you can hold, and pass when you had your say. State your case and how you feel about it. Own your feelings. Then your partner puts what you said into his own words just to make sure he heard you correctly...and replys. Works the same way when he has an issue.

    Agree to work to compromise.

    Agree to fight FOR each other and not against.

    Don't end the day angry and silent.

    You are getting married...that means you two need to learn to attack problems not each other.

    Get some poster board or an old pillow case...write the rules down, and make a deal with each other to follow them.

    A relationship grows when both sides are working together, and putting their partner first. Not an easy task, but then who said life was easy?

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  • My partner and I have been having a long discussion about this post for the last 30 minutes. We both have different views on the circumstances, first I'll write what my girlfriend says then I'll write my opinion.

    Girl:

    If your fiance thought that you broke up with him on that weekend, he's technically free to do what he wants afterward. I find it a bit dubious that he goes out straight away and kisses a married woman, on the other hand maybe the woman made a move on him and therefore telling you about her before AND after is a show of trust. I personally wouldn't share my relationship problems with someone I could imagine ending up with after we broke up, because it encourages 2 people t6o get closer. It actually also encourages hope in the other person (the female co-worker in this case being attracted to your fiance). The fact that she suggested you guys break up suggests that. He stopped talking to her and hates her, so maybe she made the move, that sounds like he's angry at her for driving you guys apart.

    Boy:

    I'd have a couple of queries before telling you make a decision like that. They follow:

    1) Were the problems you were having before hand to do with trust/jealousy

    2) Was the woman the subject of the fight before you left

    3) When you left for the weekend did he know it was just for the weekend or could he have thought it was over?

    And now for the constructive part.

    My view is that it's easy for misunderstandings to manifest themselves into something they are not. You said you weren't surprised when you found out, well then wouldn't that suggest that you didn't trust him in the first place? Also, remember it would have been much easier for him to have an affair if he'd never introduced you, also wouldn't it have been easier not to make you worried by not telling you he confided in her OR that she suggested a break-up, and last but not least, easier to continue with you if he'd never told you he kissed her.

    I don't advocate any of the last things, honesty and communication are the best policy, just pointing out that he has been honest. Take that into account

    Sometimes being honest can cause things to happen through insecurity, like fights, even if there is no intention there.

    If he kissed her and there was no confusion on your relationship status then without question he was in the wrong, but the thing you said that confuses me is that at first ''he wasn't sorry''

    Why would he think like that, it sounds like there's more to this than you've written.

    Simply put, like shlei said, don't marry him if you can't trust him, but talk to him.

    And lastly 2 comments: 1st If you do stay with him you can't be thinking of leaving him everyday, you either leave or don't, don't hold a grudge, it won't help, if you can't drop it then you should go.

    2nd comment is that you said it wasn't his co-workers place to suggest a break up, yet you're asking us to tell you if you should or not, isn't that kind of the same?

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  • leave him. if he is discussing your problems with another women whom he kissed then he is an asshole. You think she would leave her husband for him? I say you dump his ass and let him find out. and please don't look back and don't give him a second chance.

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  • id leave him he's not your husband yet and your already having a rough time

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  • You have to end this relationship.

    1. There is no trust. You simply cannot have a lasting relationship without trust.

    2. You don't want to be with him anymore. You think about leaving him everyday.

    3. You are fighting and having problems BEFORE your wedding. How is marriage going to solve all of these issues and problems? Rhetorical question, it's not. You'll only end up with more problems when divorce comes into the picture.

    I know the thought of ending the relationship after all the time and effort you've put into it seems bad, but things aren't going to magically get better.

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What Girls Said 3

  • This sounds like something you need to work out. First off do not marry him if you do not trust him. Times get hard and if this is how he deals with things how will he deal with it all when it gets even more difficult. Perhaps try couple's counseling. This is not a thing to take lightly.

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  • stay together

    time heals all things... I think?

    he seems to have made a mistake

    if you show and prove to him that you are willing to forgive and always be there for him to help him figure out what he did wrong, he'll love you for it

    you do have the right to be angry/mad that he was disrespectful to you by sharing too much with her and not with you, also with kissing her

    hope you are doing well, I noticed this question was up a few months ago

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  • 1) he's a man.

    2) when you're in trouble and drunk you always do stupid things.

    3) you call your fiance's coworker up and shout at her? erm, I think that's quite immature too. how about you keep your relationship problems to yourself and your fiance? it's not very classy to talk to other people first before you talk to your partner...

    nevertheless it's still not very nice of him to "cheat" on you like that.

    maybe he was trying to make you jealous so you'd try harder to solve your problems?

    but really, I don't know...its not my story and I don't now the details so I can't judge.

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