Who should I choose?

i am in love with my boyfriend, since the first time we are whether my feeling towards him is so intense and it grew even more after our relationship develops but then I started to have these expectations from him to life, love and our future together. we have been through ups and down but we manage to stay together because we do love each other and can't imagine ourselves without each other. the problem start when my boyfriend can't deal with my expectations to him, he told me that at this point of his life, I am not his priority but his job and his own life even though he likes me a lot. he apparently just graduated from uni and just started his career. in the other hand, I can imagine myself settling down with him and having a family together. this different perspective and unfulfilled expectations in us creates fights between us and we can't solve it even though we have been trying to talk about it which only leads to arguments, because what I want is not what he wants at the moment, and what he wants now is not what I want.

After some time through this conflict, there's this guy, he came to my life, he is so committed to me and shows a lot of affections, he told me about his future plans, and he actually wants me to settle down with him in the future, have kids and everything. he is the kind of guy that I knew have the same goal in love and life with me. I like him but its not love. I am still in love with my boyfriend so much even though I knew he didn't have the same insights yet about future goal in life and love with me because his mind is still occupied for his own success in his career and his own life.

i don't know what to do... should I follow my feeling and wait for my boyfriend until he changes his mind, what if that day never comes? I feel like hanging and don't know when he will think about me in his future... or should I try to develop my feeling with this new guy... but I'm scared if I can't love him even though I like him and I am trying... what if I can't forget my boyfriend and in my future relationship with this new guy I will have an image of my boyfriend every time then regrets everything... I really don't have a clue... help...


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't think this is a question of who to choose, of the two of them. Forget about them both. Pretend neither of them exist.

    Firstly you have to know what you want from your life. And be SURE of it... do you want to get married and settle down right now? Or do you just want it later? It could be that you want to do it later, but you want to know that he also wants to do it later - which would be a different situation to wanting to get married now, or if he never wants to get married (or have kids or move in together or whatever these expectations are). You have to know exactly what you want. If you DON'T know exactly what you want, then you have to accept that. For example, if you know you want to get married now, you can look for that. If you know you never want to get married, you can look for someone who won't ever get married. If you don't know whether you want to or not, you forget about it and see where life takes you, or if you don't know whether you want it now or later, then you look for someone who wants to get married at some point (be it now or later) and see where the relationship takes you.

    There's nothing wrong with making a list. It may be too picky to say he has to have black hair (unless you're absolutely repulsed by all other hair colours and couldn't go near the guy) but things such as basic morals, values and goals in life are a necessity. So say your list is you want a guy who wants to get married in the next 5 years and have kids and move to the next city. That's acceptable.

    Then you take a look at your two guys. The way I see it, neither of them is fulfilling your list. One guy lacks the commitment you want, one guy lacks the passion. At the moment, you should commit to neither, because it may well stay that way forever. You could stay with your boyfriend and he could never want to commit, or you could go to the new guy and never feel 'in love' with him.

    Unless you're actually willing to stay with them. But really it has to be under the assumption that they may never change the way you want them to. Say you stay with your boyfriend... if you don't actually want to get married etc for another 5 years or something, just that you know you want to do it with him someday, then it's acceptable to stay with him, because you enjoy being with him. But when the 5 years goes by and you realize you want to get married soon, then you need to leave him if he's not ready to. It's not fair to either of you. Similarly, if you decide you can only handle a year of no real feelings, then you could try the other guy. But when the year's up, you should leave if you're not feeling it for him.

    You should know when you've got the person you really want to be with forever and actually CAN be with. Never settle for second best - always have the courage to move on if something's missing. Good luck =]

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What Guys Said 1

  • Alright...

    I think you have to first evaluate your relationship with year boyfriend on its own . Lets imagine the other guy is not in the picture now... what are you gonna do ? how much are you willing to wait ? when is he ready to settle ? etc etc etc ... if the answer is not satisfying to you and you see no realistic hope in a reasonable amount of time ( remember that guys still have their chances high even as they grow older while grls don't have that much luck sadly) then the decision is to move on .

    That means that you are ready to be single again and search for the one.

    Now this other guy should be a separate thing.. don't leave year boyfriend just because of this specific guy .. you leave year boyfriend because his plans don't match yours. because then if it doesn't work out with this other guy then it is easy to not regret leaveing year boyfriend.

    Hope you understood what I meant

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What Girls Said 1

  • From experience I have learned that it makes things so much more difficult if you constantly sit there and dwell over where everything is going. Yes, it's a good thing to have some sort of plan but at the same time some times it's just easier to live life day by day. Look at it this way.. your boyfriend- you are happy with him and how he treats you correct? Your just having a conflict of futrue interest.. ect? Therefore is it really that important to worry about 10 years down the road. Girls are just programmed to want to have so many advance plans and sometimes that irritates guys. Just try your best to go with the flow and try to be patient with your boyfriend. If you love him and he loves you then it will workout. I don't think you should go for this other guy you talk about.. if he is aware of your issues you are having with your boyfriend then he could be feeding off of that and just telling you what you want to hear. (I broke up with a guy that I dated for 2 years because of this other guy and found out that this other guy was not worth it and I've totally regreted my decision every since.. so don't do it! Unless it's for the right reasons) I'm not sure if I got my point across with this or if it makes sense but honestly sometimes the best things come to those who are patient. If you love your boyfriend just give him time and live day by day and just be happy for the moment! :)

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