Do you think he will call? Men, I need your advice.

My ex and I were going out for a little over two years and for awhile it was great but earlier this year things got tough. He broke up with me in April because he said he needed to work on himself (blamed me for some stupid stuff). After a little over a month we got back together, mainly because I was always there but all summer we were really happy. He even got a job offer upstate and wanted me to come with him. Then suddenly he lost the job offer and disappeared for a week. He met me at dinner and told me he needed to figure out his life but he loved me and was sure about us. He said he needed more space, which I gave to him. A week later he basically screams at me that he doesn't love me. Meanwhile, 2 weeks before he wanted to marry me. He's 26 without a steady job and has a lot of debt, I think he just had a breakdown. I don't want to give up on him. It's been over a month and I haven't talked to him. What should I do? Do you think he will call? Was it a freak-out?

Updates:
How long should I wait before I give up hope?
Is 2 months a short amount of time for men? I feel like he won't come back or consider coming back until he gets his life together...
Im listening to all of you. I understand what everyone is saying about moving on. But I don't want to. He is the one for me... sure we have messed up (I included) but I miss him and us. I love him. Please tell me what to do to get him back!
Update. Found out today he slept with someone else since we have been broken up. I emailed him and he didn't answer. I tried. He doesn't want me.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • He sounds like an unstable person who is using you for some stability.

    If he hasn't made the effort to make you a constant in his life, he is not worth your time. That in itself indicates a crapload about his intentions with you.

    It's not fair for him to call you up whenever it is simply convenient for him or he is in need of an ego stroke.

    You give him space and he screams at you a week later, denying his love for you? What the hell is this dude's problem?

    Loves you, hates you, wants to marry you, can't even be bothered to call you? He's clearly not making up his mind any time soon, so make it up for him.

    I'm sure he'll call when he gets around to it (a.k.a. is in need of some love/affection/attention). Be unavailable. He's a lost cause and is not going to change. By sticking around, you're allowing yourself to be his punching bag, at his will. It's like giving a spoiled kid even more toys when he acts out; it's a perpetuating cycle.

    If he ever gets his sh*t together, maybe then he can be worth your time and efforts. Until then, work on letting it go, and perhaps even allowing yourself to think about how easy/awesome it would be to be with a dude who had his act together AND reciprocated all that you have to offer.

    Best of luck!

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What Guys Said 20

  • are you kidding me? easiest answer. he will call. I hate to say this but he's really the type of guy that will come groveling back.

    i mean I know you like him and all. but you need to not cave in to him when he comes groveling back. like make him kinda suffer for leaving and ignoring you in the first place. Remind him you aren't his second choice, and you will never settle for that. I mean if he always disappears on you when the going gets tough. what will he do when the going gets tough while you 2 are married. you don't want that kinda guy. make sure he's changed from that. nobody likes random disappearing acts.

    basically, tell him straight up, you really care about him. and love him, and wanna marry him (assuming you do). But you won't accept it when he treats you like second best. And if he says he has issues with his life, like stress, and other stuff. Tell him well if he wants to marry you he needs to man up and become a real man. cause you only marry men not boys. because you need someone that will take care of you. not have a breakdown and disappear at a moments notice.

    by the way, its hard for these type of guys to change. so you gotta really make sure on him. just trying to warn ya in advance. I'm a guy so I know these things. hehehe

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    • He hasn't called and its been over a month.... how long will it take?

    • Hrmm... these are pretty big red flags everything you described. and now a month and no contact at all. hey may be finding a new girl. and just doesn't want to tell you about it. so when things fail with her. he'll come back to you. I hate to say this, but I'm a guy and that's what I would do if I wanted to be a jackass.

      but yeah, it seems like everybody's answers are all pretty mutual. you should end things with this guy, and find a guy that will love you everyday and be there and won't leave ya.

  • The question is...you love him or not? if you love him then be supportive and stay around. If you are a girl who is more into yourself and thinking that your time is precious and its runing out then let him be where he is and move on.

    Love is not about who will manipulate and who will have the upperhand in relationship. Its also not about having a relationship on your terms only and you will make sure that you will be safe and secured first True love is an unconditional risk taking. take it or leave it.

    Sorry , I been harsh but that's what I learned with my experience.

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    • I love him, but it seems that he doesn't love me'. It seems like he wants me to move on.... What do you think as a man?

    • He will definately call...Its worth to wait if you love him. If you truly love him then it will be a hell to move on. Just give it some time. He sure will call.

    • He will not necessarily call, he is dealing with a lot of sh*t. DO NOT wait for him to call you, just call him.

  • Maybe just text him Hi or something. Make a very small gesture like that, which says that he's welcome to contact you. Try not to get caught up in drama though, make sure whatever you do is honestly helping and looking up to the goal of being happy with him if at all.

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    • I like your answer here! Very true. The shorter, the sweeter, the better! ;-)

  • I think this is exactly what you should do. First of all don't "dump" him. Try and stay around for a while if you can. Think of it as a part of your relationship with him even though you are not his girlfriend. What he needs the most right now is support and if you walk away from him it may push him in more of a corner with the world weighing down upon him. It's best if you get in contact with him but still you want to make sure that you are giving him space. The message you need to get across is that you are there for him if he needs someone. I like his idea

    anynymoooooose

    7 hours ago

    "Maybe just text him Hi or something. Make a very small gesture like that, which says that he's welcome to contact you. Try not to get caught up in drama though, make sure whatever you do is honestly helping and looking up to the goal of being happy with him if at all."

    As for why he screamed and told you he didn't love you? It may have been because of the stressful situation he is in. To live life you must have some worth and things about you. Right now he feels powerless and rock bottom. It's not something that can support your relationship with him unless you guys are extremely into each other. But I can't speculate everything is unique in every relationship. I don't know any history about you guys.

    As a summary, if you can try and stick around for him for a while. I really don't think you should move on to another guy in the near future. If you do that it might make him feel worse more depressed etc.

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    • But, if I text him he will know I'm waiting around for him. You know? I love him, I want him to sort out his life and for us to work it out. I guess I'm just scared that what we had was a lie, thanks to the bogus "I don't love you" comment :-/

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    • Still nothing.

    • You guys don't have any mutual friends? Mutual friends come very handy in such a situation!

  • It sounds like you should call him. This guy sounds unstable, its impossible to predict what he might do (which makes me wonder if you really should want to be with him, but that's another issue.)

    In answer to your question, you should call him, don't wait for him to call you. Maybe he might call after 2 months, but maybe you'll never hear from him again. Its impossible to say because he sounds really, really unstable.

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    • I was trying to give him time. Time to realize what he did. Do men not call because of pride? Could he be thinking he made a mistake and just not be calling?

      I wanted to give him time to sort out his life, time to sort out his emotions.... If I'm confused after a month and a half, I'm assuming he is too! People get back together all the time after long periods apart. Right?

      I feel like if I contact him first, I'll never know if he would have and that kills me. I can't go through this again. I

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    • I feel like a phone call is even more pressure. What would I say in a phone call? Should I give it officially 2 months? If he wanted to come back or realized he made a mistake don't you think he would have made the first move?

    • Its impossible to say if he wants you back. I don't know.

      But maybe he just assumes you don't want him back, after all the last thing he said to you was "I don't love you." I think you need to make a move. You will never know if you could have gotten him back if you don't at least try.

      If you really love him, do you want to live with that? Do you want to never even know? Its better to at least try.

      Email or a call, whatever you want, but do something.

  • ok 10 months since last update has anything changed

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  • This is very hard.

    Tell him you'll be his friend until he has sorted out his life. this is a problem for him. it really is a big problem and having a girlfriend makes it even bigger. I am sorry.

    Let him have his way.

    And blaming him for something he most likely did is bad. He has a hard time, and how do you know it wasn't you. There are always two guilty parties ALWAYS. If you don't think so, then chances are he won't call you again. just leave him alone till he gets stable, then go in again.

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    • But, if he wanted me as a friend wouldn't he have called?

    • Not always. But I can asure you when he's sorted out he'll be your friend or possibly even more. But good luck, I hope it goes well.

  • He seems 2 be frustrated about his life difficulties,he loves u,but I gues you should gv him space nd time,text him and let him knw things will get better and how much you really love and care about him,.

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  • sorry to hear that dear,it's rather unfortunate he treats you bad,u ahve devoted time,and care fir him,yet to no avail,he might be the lucky type,it's up to you to know whether you are the lucky type too,so you don't blame yourself at the end of the road,wish I can get to know u,u would be a nice lady to be with,

    Caley

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  • either he's cheating, but it doesn't sound like it

    im mean seriously doesn't sound like it, but it sounds like he needs you away to get his life straight and he's stressing out cause he probably feels like he can't accomplish anything but if he cares he'll call you back unless you found out in these 4 days

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    • No word from him. How long should I wait before I just give up? It's been over a month. I'm not moving on, I just want to know when I hit that point of no return......

    • Well I wouldn't make my girlfriend wait that long just to get a call to me he's long gone

      in my opnion to me just get another d***

  • I think he loves you but life is rough for him. I think once he gets a steady job he will feel better about being with you. Right now he doesn't feel he can provide for you and it frustrates him

    This has everything to do with his struggles with money

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    • What do you think I should do then? I don't want him to do this to me again. What if he really meant he didn't love me....

    • There's no way of knowing that...give him space and wait until the situation improves.

  • Hard to tell from the limited context, but I think you should just give up on him for a while since he's probably not at a place in his life where he can really put a lot of effort into your relationship. If he comes back into your life later and things work out, so be it... but for the time being (and in general when you're single... and you ARE single) you'll be better off focusing on yourself and looking for another guy to meet your needs.

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  • Hasn't he called yet?

    If he hasn't, he will soon.. From what u've said.. his life's a bit messed up now.. if he won't take it in a -ve way, send him a message and show that you understand his situation.. show that you care and you are still there for him.. and if you really mean it wen you say it, he would b really stupid to let go off someone like u..

    Trust me.

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    • I don't think I can be denied again. What if he meant I don't love you? I feel like I should wait fog him to make the first move....

      I love him. I don't want to live without him.

  • One accurate answer: He`s emotional type of person. Whatever he tells you something ,is mostly based on his current emotional feeling, don`t take it seriously. I can understand him because I tend to be emotional sometimes.

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  • Either he made it big on Wall street and has dozens of girlfriends or he is thinking about you daily.

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    • I miss him.... Everyone tells me I should wait for him to make the first move. What do you think?

    • I think you should either A) MOVE ON or B) CALL HIM; but mostly, A) because it's been 2 months which is NOT a short time and IF he gets his life back together AND he calls you (two big IFs) then at least you'll have options.

    • Do not wait for him to make the first move. That is always stupid advice. Call him.

  • Give him room. It's OK to stay in touch though so call or text or email him once in a while and try and just be friends. The rest will take care of itself.

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  • Okay, so how did you actually get into this relationship in the first place?

    Did he or you have to do any work for it first? Did you throw around the word "creepy" all the time with him when you first met?

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    • It came naturally to us both. Really things just got hard suddenly..... Seems like he couldn't handle a relationship.

  • do you have a phone?

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    • Of course. He has made no attempt to get in touch with me. I'm broken hearted without him.

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    • He doesn't have one.

    • LOL I'm sorry I'm having way to much fun

  • He obviously has a lot going on in his life right now and doesn't seem to know where his life is heading... From what I've read, I'm fairly certain that he does love you but might not think that he can take care of you! So he's having a breakdown.. You should let him figure it out on his own but just let him know that you'll be there if he needs you!

    honestly.. There's not much you can do if he's not willing to let you help him out!

    You have to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to figure things out...

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    • Thank you. We haven't spoken in over a month (since the breakup). I shouldn't call him or text him right?

      I want him to sort out his life and be the man he was. I don't want him back when he acts like this. What's my next step?

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    • So, it's basically a waiting game with him? I feel like the pathetic girl who won't move on..... I guess it's because I love him after all this and still see us in my future. Maybe another time and place. Do you guys think I'll ever move on?

    • It's a waiting game and there's no guarantee that there's going to be a happy ending.. so you're better off not holding on! There's no reason for you to put your life on hold while he's busy to figure out his issues! The best thing is to move on to someone who wants to have you around for the good and the bad...

      It's been a month.. don't think you need to be so hard on yourself! Just try to get your life in order!

  • Sounds like this guy has far more important things going on in his life then trying to manage this already shaky relationship. If you need someone around you 24/7 calling/texting you all day you probably want to move on from this guy and let him get his life sorted out.

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    • Gee, thanks for the awesome advice champ.

What Girls Said 16

  • All I can tell you is a guy's identity and self-worth is strongly tied to their career status. If they are without work and deeply in debt, they are not going to be emotionally available to their partner. They certainly cannot even conceive of marriage.

    I was engaged in my early 20's to my long-term boyfriend of the time. He ended up deciding it was time for a career change and went back to college. It was a smart decision on his part and he still had some income and paid his share of expenses (we lived together) but he lost all interest in getting married. I took it badly and we broke up. It was only later that I understood how important it is to a man to feel he is ready to be a provider (even if he actually doesn't have to provide for his working spouse) before he can think of marriage or focus on a relationship much at all.

    So, hard to say how this will end up. I would say that having an established pattern of him being really hurtful and disappearing when things get tough is not a good sign and if you guys do get back together, well without counseling and some work, he is likely to repeat this pattern in the future. How will you handle it when you have kids together? I have seen this happen to a friend of mine during both her pregnancies. They ended up divorced.

    Best of luck.

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    • How do you move on from that feeling? I'm living without him but my life was better with him. I think he's too screwed up right now to even know if he feels the same. I think he said I don't love you for 2 reasons.... 1. To convince himself 2. To get me out the door. Do you think that's true? I can't move on because I can't rationalize any of it. Help please

    • I would say the first step is to accept him as everything he is. Recognize he is the guy you fell in love with AND he is the guy who lashes out and shuts down when times get tough. He is all of that. It is when we idolize someone and pretend the bad part is some sort of optional deal that can go away that we end up in love with some perfect vision. After you really accept him for who he is, continue to take time away from him and strongly consider how he fits into your future.

    • As a woman who had a 13-year marriage only because I kept going and going in a situation that wasn't working out, I can tell you love eventually flies out the door when you are with someone who doesn't treat you well. So, even if your ex still loves you, is this really how you want your partner to treat you? Imagine your future when you have kids, responsibilities and he loses a job or hates the one he has. Do you want to hold everything down while he yells at you and shuts down?

  • I know it's easier said than done, but you need to stop worrying about whether he will call and start worrying about why you even want to be in this relationship. I know you're going to defend him, but his behavior is just not normal or okay- a guy who is worth dating WILL NOT disappear for weeks, string you along, scream at you and blame you for nothing, and then want to get back together again. It doesn't matter what his reasoning is, but being unemployed or stressed about money are not good excuses to treat your significant other like crap. Seriously, during this time that he's gone, try to really examine the real reasons you want him so badly and try to recognize that your life is more enjoyable and peaceful without him around. Take care.

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  • Coming from the girl whose been in an off and on again relationship for the last two years I can sum up for you basically what may happen. He's doing this because he wants to see what other options are out there for him, woman wise. He thinks there may be something better, but he's no positive. Soo you're basically his back bone. He's keeping you attached on strings like a little puppet of his. He tells you he loves you & wants to be with you when he has no one else, then he starts maybe seeing someone & starts pushing you away, starts going sh*tty for him so he runs back to you. I'm not saying this is the case, but this was my case. Its a never ending cycle & your the one who needs to BREAK it. Don't let a man treat you this way. If he doesn't treat you like you're the best thing that's ever happened to him then he's nothing but a waste of time. He will only continue to bring you down with him, don't let him do that to you. The world is full of so many other guys who know how to treat a woman & know what they have when they have it and don't need a million chances to realize it.

    My ex came back to me every single time, now he's the one wanting me & I'm the one not giving a damn. Show him that you're independent and don't need him in order to be happy, stop letting him fill your thoughts & go out & find your own self again. Go out with friends & be around guys & see if this indecisive guy who you are constantly on an emotional roller-coaster is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? By the way him saying he wants to marry you is just a trap, my ex said it plenty. He says those type of things because he knows that you're gonna believe it & try even harder to make it work. If he really wanted to marry you he wouldn't be up and down about it.

    YOU deserve someone better than this. It took me forever to realize it, & now that I finally did he won't leave me alone because you always want something you can't have. Good luck!

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  • Question Asker

    "But, if he wanted me as a friend wouldn't he have called?"

    I think you need to let go of expectations. The emails and sending him a scrapbook is overkill. Start with a short, friendly text letting him know that you were thinking of him and hope he is well. Leave it open for him to come to you, without putting the pressure on him to respond. Do this, then continue on with your everyday life. Once he gets the feeling you are busy with your own life, and not dwelling on what he's doing or not doing, he will feel comfortable coming to you. Just because you're ready to talk to him again doesn't necessarily mean he is. Just be patient with him and give him time.

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  • I agree with anonymous guy. My ex boyfriend broke up with me in Feb because he said he didn't know what he wanted, the old "it's not you, it's me" story. I heard recently from his brother that he has a lot of debt and his life is basically work, not much time for a social life. So having a relationship in his eyes, was just another job. Sounds unfair, but to the guys, with or without a job, it makes perfect sense. Give him all the space and time he needs. Meanwhile, move on and focus on taking care of you. Everything will fall into place, and when the time is right and he's ready, he'll come to you.

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    • Hope you don't mind a girl answer! ;-)

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    • I really want to be with him. My heart says he wants me too but his actions are everywhere! I'm not moving on to someone else, it's not about that. I just know if I should prepare myself for him not coming back. You know?

    • Always expect the worst, so that if he does come back, you'll be pleasantly surprised and not hurt and disappointed because he didn't. Keep your chin up girl. Things will get easier with time, and alittle bit of patience. ;-)

  • hear me out I'm kinda of in your shoes but believe in your heart I'm not saying look pass the fact he is ignoring you and he slept with somebody but if you tried all you tried then I think you should hang out I'm not saying fun out and jump a dude bones I'm saying just have you some time tell him this hey I love you and I really do I don't know what's going on but eberything you every said to me starting to seem like a lie I don't know if I did something wrong or not but I'm give you your space and leave it at that if he loved you then he will realize and get back to you and if he doesn't then he is not a real man

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  • He needs the boot form YOU. Take charge. Don't worry about him calling you and find a new guy to call. He obviously has some things he needs to work out - on his own. Let him go, there is something better for you.

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  • a day feels like and is a week to us chicks but a day to a guy is like an hour I swear! They seem to have NO concept of time. Man time is def different than female time! and seriously he does need to get it together and may go MIA until he is feeling more confident!

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    • I know. That's why I'm not giving up hope on him yet because it's only been a month and a half and that's not nearly enough time to get your life together. I mean I'm still as much of a wreck as the day he broke up with me.... I imagine he's feeling the same. I know I felt what we had.... I think he said I don't love you to get me out the door and right now he needs me out of his life. Do you agree? What should be my next step?

  • i am a chick, but I think he had a breakdown and feels loss of self worth and he can't provide for himself let alone you and its ruining him! Do check on him maybe a voicemail or text just checking and you care and no pressure or negativity towards him.

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  • Don't give up hope on him as a friend because you clearly care deeply for him; however, it is time for you to move on in your romantic life. Good luck and be strong. To thine own self be true. You come first! Take care of yourself!

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    • I don't want to move on from him romantically. I love him for the good and bad. I just am confused on what I should be doing.... I want him back.

      I'm not sure if I should call him or text him. I feel like I should leave it up to him to make the first move,

  • tell him you miss sex with him and loved giving him oral,he'll be back and when he comes back have sex with him like it your last time,he'll stay I promise u. :)

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  • you can't 'get' somebody back honey.

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  • it was a freak-out, he may or may not call, you need to move on.

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  • It is hard now, but you will look back one day and realize this was the best thing that could have happened. Staying with someone who will do these things every time life throws you a curve ball would be a disaster.

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  • Until you give up hope for what? That you will get a guy back who will treat you this way?

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  • You say you don't want to leave him, yet he has and is leaving you by breaking up the relationship. He said he got a job offer and then he lost it, most likely cos he didn't turn up. He is as you say, 26 and has lots of debts, the thing is you have to think of yourself. I know its not what you want to hear.. The thing is you don't have a relationship. You have an on and off thing with him and he is your ex.

    You are best leaving him to it. Just move on and get on with your life.

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