Men who look at other women - I need help understanding.....

I've read a million questions and answers on this topic but I need answers more specifically tailored to my scenario.

My fiance took me up to Cape Cod to propose to me. One night, we were about to exit our hotel room (he was in the hallway while I was headed out)--and I watched his eyes follow something up and down. When I came out, I realized he was gawking (mouth open) at another woman's butt (he admitted to this.) Not even three hours later, he proposed to me. That is the start of this whole mess.

Since then, I always catch him looking at women. He doesn't exactly seem to stare, but it's hard for me to tell how long he's been looking. We've talked about this and he's tried to explain to me that it isn't sexual and that it is the same thing if he were to notice a fat person, or a deformity, or an attractive man or woman. He says it's all the same to him. ...which I don't believe at all. If he were simply noticing a woman was attractive, I wouldn't care. But I always catch him looking at her butt or her breasts...and when I try to be tricky and ask him later on what he thought of what he saw, he always says he liked it. So he's obviously doing this on purpose and thinking about it...right?

It's giving me very low self esteem and our relationship has slowly been deteriorating because of this. I'm very sensitive and watching him look at another woman, especially the night he decides to's just really taking it's toll on me. I don't do it to him, honestly..and I feel I deserve the same level of respect.

But I am arguing with myself because I've read a million times that it is just something a man can't help. But how? If a man really, truly loves a woman and thinks she's beautiful...then how can he not help looking at other women? And why would he want to?

I'm very open minded when it comes to sex, and I have and will try anything. My fiance knows this and I know he is definitely not bored of our sex life. So what is the reasoning for this?

When I try to ask him...his answers never make sense and always seem to conflict each other. I know I'm attractive to some degree..I've done a bit of modeling, and I'm in great shape with large breasts..(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I just keep wondering why I'm not good enough.

And when a man looks at another woman and is in a committed relationship that has no other issues, what does it mean? And what is the thought process? Are you picturing her naked, or want to sleep with her, or imagining sleeping with her? Or is it simply just an observation?

And also, what do I do about this? I can't force him to stop, but yet it hurts me to stay with him and feel this what can I do to get through this? It seems as if something so small has turned huge and I don't know what to do. It's like, I can't make him stop, but I can't make myself stop hurting over it. Is there another option?

Also- what is your take on him not only noticing a woman is attractive, but also noticing her breasts and butt?


Most Helpful Guy

  • As long as he isn't making prolonged stares then you have nothing to worry about. What is causing him to notice these women is human instinct. Men are biologically programmed to selectively notice these features on women. Men are instinctively programmed to notice large breasts and butts. this is because a large butt would signify a higher success rate of child birth, as the child has more space. And large breasts signify a mother that would be able to properly nourish the baby. These instincts are still in tact, and he really can't help but notice, but as you say he can make an effort to look away when he does notice.

    Human consciousness and instinct are completely apart. He feels no emotional desire for these women when he notices them. I assure you human emotions, like love have evolved far beyond the point to where any random girl has any place in his mind or heart, other than you

    Hope this helps!


    • I've already asked someone this question, but I appreciate your honesty, so I'm going to ask you as well. Men always joke about not getting married and how they couldn't stand to be with the same woman their whole this true? Because everyone keeps telling me not to worry, that he loves only ME, but for how long til he gets bored? He was also a virgin before me...which doesn't make me feel any better about this..

    • Nope, nope nope. Men are not biologically programmed to gawk at women's body parts. Sadly, men are socially conditioned to objectify women. Having larger breasts DOES NOT mean a higher success rate of nourishing a child, breasts of all shapes and sizes can be capable of nourishing a child. You don't even need breasts to nourish a child. Yes he can help himself from not treating women like they are only exist solely to sexually stimulate him. I believe men can be capable of treating women like human beings and not like objects and thinking critically of their actions (and not blaming their rude behavior on BS "instinct" excuses.)

What Guys Said 74

  • Sure a guy can 'help it.' Respect for women doesn't come naturally in the modern US, naturally, so you'll have to work with him on this. Maybe a few slaps on the face..!

  • I'm a typical (teenage) guy, I've struggled with that too. )please just read this whole thing) and I thought about it a long time in my own life. The thing, is it IS sexual. From my understanding of females you can look at a guy and think "oh, he's pretty hot". But for a guy to look at a girl he can see her face, see her figure,say "she's pretty hot!" and become to some degree sexually aroused by it. He is actually getting sexual pleasure just by what he sees. I know what that sounds like from your perspective. I'm not defending the act but I will say he really isn't doing it on purpose. When I realized what I was doing, I had to be constantly on guard, constantly focusing on something on the other side of the road, or further down the road then the girl. But even that wasn't enough. I would see the glistening body of a female jogger bouncing down the road and I would "track her" with my eyes. Even when I stopped looking at sexually charged images my mind still said, "hey, do I know that jogger?" Obviously I didn't. But after I would "track her" I would think, hey did I just glance at her face to see if I knew her? Of coarse the answer was no. I was "seeing if I knew her" but really just giving her the up-down. Believe it or not, EVERY man faces this battle. ALL of the men/young men I know who FIGHTS this battle feels the benefit of it. When a guy is FINALLY able to not look at women for sexual gratification, train his mind, train his eyes not to constantly be pleasure seeking, it feel liberating, he will feel happier. Any guy reading this will be like WHAAAAAT?!-but its true) not only that, but it changes the way a man appreciates his wife or girlfriend. The woman of interest in the mans life "becomes" INFINETLY MORE attractive.

    Before you say "I do" know that the vows won't change anything. It will only stop if he has a change of heart. Honestly get the book "every mans Battle" or "Every Young mans Battle" read this WITH him, regardless of if either of you believe in God, you'll notice the change in the way he reacts with people, ESPECIALLY the way he reacts with YOU.

    point is, he does it because he developed a naturality to seek out sexual things(women, sexy billboards, tv, magazines...) and receive pleasure from it. Its not intentional, he probably doesn't even know why he does it, probably pays NO attention to it. But know that he does love you and this habit can be changed.

    -good luck

  • Men will always stare, even if he has the most beautiful woman in the world.

    If you own a car you think is awesome, your going to look at an appreciate other cars that look almost as cool, just to reinforce the fact yours is the best.

    Same goes for women.

    Yes I compared women to a car.

    Men do it to reinforce what they have is what they wanted. And constantly do it. Its primal men can't control it.

  • Well, from my perspective, when a guy really loves someone and is about to ask them to marry them, he's got nothing, and I mean NOTHING else on his mind. He's nervous as hell, and has blinders on to the situation at hand, will I f*ck up asking her and will she say no. I don't know this guy or his personality, but sounds like he already new what your answer would be or that he could ask you anytime he wanted and you would say yes to it. Also, if he knows this, then he wasn't worried about you loving him, no matter what he does. But, he on a subconscious level, knows that if he looses you or hurts you, it won't be good for him or else he wouldn't lie about what he does. He probably does love you, just love women in general. But, always bringing it up and hounding him about what he does and obsessing about it will drive him away because then you're getting annoying (sorry, came out harsh), but that's the truth. It starts to make you look like you don't have self-confidence and that's not a turn on to anyone. Especially if the person has a lot of self-confidence. You have to tell him how it made you feel that night. Like it made you feel like you weren't important to him and that's why you have self doubt about when he's always looking at other women. Has he shown that he is liking other women or if he get's close to other women, then that's another issue and shows he isn't into you and wants to maybe pursue others. But, if he still treats you like you're the most important person in his world (and you now how he does this better than anyone), then it's probably just he likes to look at women and admire the female body. There isn't just 1 hot girl in the world you know. Especially how women dress now a-days. It's hard for a guy to keep his head in one spot all the time. You're wearing sweats and a t-shirt and then a stunner comes by in heels, mini, tight jeans, cleavage all over, etc. What do you expect? As long as he's not straining his neck holding your hand. That's just disrespect. Just talk to him seriously, without accusations and see where his head's at.

  • Ladies, please, just take this without trying to justify it: THERE IS AN UNCONSCIOUS REACTION TO FEMALE BODY PARTS. That being said, there is a difference between a glance and gawking. It may be different for different guys, but the difference between unconscious and conscious for me is about a second. I feel it is a gentleman's duty to keep this to the most extreme minimum as it is very disrespectful to whoever you're with, but no matter how hard I try it is going to happen.

    I'll use myself as an example. Let's say I'm talking to a woman at a formal event, where it's not uncommon to wear a dress accentuating the bosom. This woman can be completely unattractive in my eyes. Let's say 30 years older than me and extremely overweight and unkept. But if she has large breasts exposed, I know what's going to happen. So in my head, I keep myself aware of what not to do. This means not listening to whatever she is saying, because if for one second I forget not to look down, the corner of my eye will catch the twins and will focus in for a better look. Well, without exception, eventually I'm going to become engrossed in the conversation and my etiquette just completely falls asleep at the wheel.

  • We can't help it! Honest! D8 You can't tell me you don't try to discreetly look at men you find attractive! You can't truthfully say that...

    But he really could be looking at them because he acknowledges their presence. When I notice someone is present, I check them out for a bit (not meant in a sexual way) just to get an idea of what they are about. Maybe it's just me, but I like to know who's around me at all times. When I'm in a crowd, my eyes are going EVERYWHERE, from person to person. Yea, I might look stupid, but at least I'm aware. I'm certainly not attracted to every person I look at directly.

  • Like others have said, evolution has made it so that men have a stronger sex drive, and are faster aroused by visual stimuli. This is because the men who had a strong instinct to have sex with many women were the ones who spread their genes the most.

    I read a study about life in the Stone Age that said that it is possible the normal household was a harem, with the strongest man in the valley taking most of the women.

    Women, by contrast, can only have a few children in their lives, so they developed the instinct to be careful and wait for the best possible man, with good genes, who would also stay and provide for their offspring. That is also why women get angry at other women who sleep around: they take away the one means women instinctively used to catch a man, the "cost" for sex.

    HOWEVER. Your boyfriend is a thinking creature and he should not go gawking at other women when he is with you. It is rude to you. It is embarrassing if people notice. Not all guys do this.

    If he can't understand that, then he is stupid.

  • I don't want to make this seem trivial, but if you had a really great pair of shoes that you loved and you've had them for years and they go with everything and they look great and they're a perfect fit, does that mean you would never look at another pair of shoes? At the same time, would you trade your favorite pair of shoes for some other pair of shoes just because they look good? I doubt it, because there's more to the relationship with your favorite shoes than just looks.

    That's not a great analogy, I know, but the point is that just looking at a girl doesn't even compare to the feelings you have for someone you love. Looking at another girl doesn't diminish how much he loves you. A nice ass is just eye candy. When he looks at you he sees much more than that.

    • I appreciate your honesty. so ...if he loves me so much, why does he not make an effort to stop or ...i don't know.. it just seems like he doesn't care about my feelings. I mean...if something like that hurt the woman you love, what would you do?

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    • @newpeace

      "It "feels"good is not an excuse for bad behavior."

      You're correct about that, but that's not the excuse really. The excuse is that it's reflexive.

      I could just as easily define women's seemingly reflexive need to over think everything a man does as a bad behavior, given how much grief it causes men. But no matter how widely accepted that definition was, it would not stop them from doing it.

    • i have this exact same problem.. I get upset at thinking about him admiring other women or looking at p*rn or fantasising about other women... that's actually how I found this question. everyone says get over it but I cant.. this has helped me a little though, so I appreciate this little back and forth.

  • You need to relax a bit. If you want to understand how men feel about women and why they look...think about Leonardo Da Vinci or other great artists who appreciate the beauty of the female form. Is it wrong or cheating to walk around a gallery of paintings and stop and look at them and appreciate sculptures for their beauty? Does appreciating one things beauty detract from another things beauty? No it doesn't. There is no reason to be jealous of the fact that he can appreciate beauty, because...he used those same eyes to appreciate you...and he chose you and is with you...and wants to marry you. Making something as small as taking a glance at another girl a big thing like you have seems like you have become obsessed with the idea that his action of just looking at something else is a detraction from one excerpt you said you had just left the hotel room where he likely was all hands...did he put his hands on these other women? certainly not. he alone shows you his love through his touch, but it seems you want want to contrl and dictate his mind his thoughts and his eyes...they should all be about you at all times right? its too man can answer to that...if you become possessive on a controling level you will smother him...if you confront him and fight with him about little things like him just even looking at another girl--you may someday push him away so hard that he will consider cheating--and why not--thats what you are accusing him of right now, and he isnot doing anything...if you're gonna do the some point...youre gonna do the crime. I hope you're understanding where I am coming from, because in truth, you do the exact same thing...n fact, you probably encouraged this action in ever sit around watching a movie talking about how hot a movie star is? "Oh Channing Tatums SO muscular!" or "Patrick Swayze is hot!" or "look at his abs!" Women talk about and eye-f*** guys all the time, and they think its okay, yet when their guy does it back...suddenly there's a hypocrisy., and a beautiful load of double-standards comes pouring out. Id say just relax, stop trying to control his very eyes. Just let it go, because looking at a painting, appreciating its beauty---is NOT taking it down off the wall and bringing it home...and as long as he isn't bringing home other women or cheating on have nothing to be upset about. Eyecandy will always be out there for both say you don't look is just delusional or lying. everybody looks. just don't look and then go over and talk to them..because that is going to far. he isn't going over and talking to them...which shows he respects what you and he have..its not like he is running around buying rings and proposing to all those other hotties. and yeah...i saw your picture, you're super hot...cant believe I'm even having this conversation with a woman of you're extreme calibur of beauty. chill out. he's all yours.

  • we are men..its just what we are bicker endlessly and never know when to shut the f*** up even though, if you took the consious action of reading our facial expressions, you'ld know without a doubt that we stopped listening about 3hours prior to now due to lack of mental stimulation.

    ...its what you do...we deal with it...stop bein so harsh love

  • It's mostly involuntary, honest. It truly is our testosterone driving us. Now how long he stairs is where issue may be driven.

  • Part 1

    > he was gawking at another woman's butt

    Female bodies and particular parts of them often stimulate dopamine production in hetero men. This is built in, doesn’t need to be taught, and can not be unlearned. As a completely innocent child playing doctor with the girl next door, I’d get hard when I saw inside her pants despite us both being pre-adolescent with no sexual education or awareness (we are talking age 6-7 sort of thing). I knew looking made me feel good, she was happy and no-one was getting hurt.

    With age as awareness grows and girls get curvy, the mere suggestion of cleavage, bum, shapely legs etc gives the same sort of reward, all be it not often leading to full sexual arousal.

    Dopamine causes feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. Men like that feeling so keep repeating the actions that stimulate it, one example is gawking at female bodies. Another (shared by some women) is eating when not hungry (regardless of the rational bad health consequences of over eating).

    Looking at a girl (provided it doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable) gives a guy a pleasant experience. Doesn’t mean he thinks anything deeper or more sexual about her, or mean anything isn’t right about his partner or the rest of their lives. It is fun to have fun that doesn’t seem to harm another, so dopamine addiction keeps guys doing it.

    Women use the effect to attract men by displaying or making prominent those body parts that give guys that rush, or “make them look” to put it another way. Women really like male attention. For more extreme cases, there is a whole surgical industry about women wanting to be even more attractive to men by reshaping their bodies.

    > (mouth open)

    Mouth open shows the dopamine desire and reward are so strong that it temporarily overwhelms the urge to wear a “normal expression”. Have you noticed the same temporary suspension of any concern about facial expression in men during sex?

    > (he admitted to this.)

    This implies that you think this is something he shouldn’t do, or want to do. Do you need control of all aspects of his conscious and unconscious thinking? If so you are destined for permanent disappointment. It is never going to happen with anyone.

    > Since then, I always catch him looking at women.

    Again “catch” implies what he is doing is wrong. He’s still with you. He still cares about you and only you (he proposed). They are simply innocent eye candy.

    > it's hard for me to tell how long he's been looking.

    Why do you care? You have nothing to be concerned about. He proposed to you. It doesn’t get more committed than that.

    > If he were simply noticing a woman was attractive, I wouldn't care.

    I don’t think this is true. You probably would from your depth of feeling about this.

    • Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time. I'm trying my hardest to understand. If I could not be so worried about something so silly, I wouldn't be. But I have a question...Do men really get tired of the women they marry? In all honesty, my man was a virgin before me. How and why he waited so long, I will never know. He really hasn't explained it, except but to say he was shy. I guess this makes me worry too, because I feel like he hasn't had the opportunity to explore....

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    • >Men always joke ... because they could never stand to be with the same woman their whole lives

      They often do. It is bravado. The number of couples that are whole for life shows it is rubbish. My wife of 20 years died a couple of years ago. I can't describe how much I miss her every day, despite the world being full of cute people who I looked at (but did no more with) thoughout the duration of our time together, and since.

      The looking means nothing. The emotional loving means all.

    • > how long til he loses interest?

      I can't say when or whether he will ever lose interest. I can tell you things that will build discomfort in him that will make the chances higher.

      1) constant distrust (rooted in low self esteem)

      2) demands to supress or justify autonomic actions (gawking)

      2) constant self doubt and need for reassurance

      3) no space to do your own things

      4) no encounter without constant negative feelings

      5) no changes

      6) stopping trying to do nice things for each other

  • > But I always catch him looking at her butt or her breasts

    These parts are nice. They cause the rush. We are addicted to the rush. It is never going to change. It means absolutely nothing more that we like the chemical hit, so we will subconsciously look for more of it whenever the opportunity presents its self.

    > ...and when I try to be tricky and ask him later on what he thought of what he saw, he always says he liked it.

    If you play games, you should not be surprised at consequences that are negative for you.

    > So he's obviously doing this on purpose and thinking about it...right?

    No. He wouldn’t give her a second conscious thought if you didn’t ask him about her. Your actions are making him actually give head space to these women, which is what you really don’t want.

    > I don't do it

    You may not be aware of it, but research shows that most women do. And yes, you also objectify and disintegrate like we do. You must have heard women talking about the great legs and butt on a tennis player, or pop star, even if you have never done this yourself.

    > to him

    He isn’t doing it to you. He is doing it for him with no thought as to your adequacy or otherwise. You are assuming that all of his thoughts have some you content. Sorry, they don’t and won’t. If you need this level of monomania you are going to be disappointed.

    > I feel I deserve the same level of respect.

    What he is doing says nothing about his respect for you at all. What you want is total control of his unconscious mind. This isn’t ever going to happen. You have to relax the goal, or be permanently unhappy.

    > If a man really, truly loves a woman and thinks she's beautiful...then how can he not help looking at other women? And why would he want to?

    I hope that I have explained how it works for at least some men. Check link for a fuller account of the neuro-chemistry.

  • Part 3:

    > his answers never make sense and always seem to conflict each other.

    He may not be aware of his own drivers.

    > I know I'm attractive to some degree..I've done a bit of modeling, and I'm in great shape with large breasts.(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I just keep wondering why I'm not good enough.

    It isn’t about you. It’s part of him that neither of you can completely consciously permanently inhibit. You have everything he seeks in a life partner as his actions demonstrate. Why isn't this enough for you?

    > And when a man looks at another woman and is in a committed relationship that has no other issues, what does it mean?

    He likes dopamine.

    > And what is the thought process?

    There isn’t one necessarily.

    > Are you picturing her naked, or want to sleep with her, or imagining sleeping with her? Or is it simply just an observation?

    Usually the later without any conscious thought at all. Very rarely any of the others. It would be difficult to invoke any of the others without staring at parts of someone to a degree that would make that person feel uncomfortable. When the conscious brain is engaged, usually consideration of the other person inhibits gawping.

    > And also, what do I do about this?

    You have to change your goal of total control, or be permanently miserable about holding a goal that is impossible to satisfy.

    > I can't force him to stop,

    You can’t even persuade him to stop, even if he were willing to have all aspects of his life controlled by someone else. He has no conscious control over this.

    > but yet it hurts me to stay with him and feel this way

    As above, you need to change and get comfortable with this, or pick a new lifestyle. Something that may help is thinking about how although he keeps a roving eye, from the entire universe of women it is you that he has asked to marry him. Could he do anything more affirming for you than offer to spend his life with you?

    > Also- what is your take on him not only noticing a woman is attractive, but also noticing her breasts and butt?

    He seems like a standard hetero male. It means nothing.

    I look all the time. I never cheat.

    • I do this stuff too with guys and I'm definitely not interested in them, its just an immediate vague thing- no thing deal,

  • Fegeddaboutit. If he's openly gawking on the evening he proposed, you are going to spending many nights home alone. It's not even a "guy" thing. After the initial infatuation wears off, he may admire other feminine pulchritude is a circumspect fashion but what you describe gpoes well beyond that and indicates a complete lack of respect. Give him the ring back and save yourself the heartache down the road.

    • You are so right. I know guys look & that's fine, but do it on your own time, right? I do too. To gawk like that in front of you is disrespectful & juvenile. I can see why it's a gut-punch. He's right, find someone else. He's a player.

  • To answer your last question first, I'm not sure how he's supposed to notice a woman is attractive WITHOUT noticing her breasts and butt. Those are among the parts of a woman that a straight man finds most attractive. Secondly, the thought process can vary from just appreciating the form as it is in clothes, to imagining it naked to imagining sex. For instance, earlier this morning I saw a girl at a coffee shop with incredible breasts. I admired them, as they were in her shirt, but didn't picture them naked (though I am now). It really just depends.

    Third, no a man can't help noticing. It's hardwired in by evolution. Just like you can't help noticing a moving object that's coming towards you. Your ancestors that didn't notice moving object all got eaten before they got layed, right? Similarly, those who didn't notice a woman who was reproductively fit didn't pass their genes on.

    BUT, the good news is HE WANTS YOU! That's why he asked you to marry him. Even in spite of the fact that it means he won't get to touch that fine, fine ass he was admiring just a few hours before, he'd rather have you! No need for you to feel bad at all.

  • If looks meant everything then Taylor Swift wouldn't keep writing songs about break ups and heart ache and they wouldn't be selling millions of copies.

    You can't relate because what you're attracted to might not be the same areas he's attracted to. When you notice a nice smile and a good haircut with really nice shoes walk past you're doing the same exact thing. It's just different between genders.

  • My girlfriend and I went through something very similar to this only even worse because it was one girl specifically. It got really bad until finally we both (she led the way) realized I was still with her and loved her and any other girls are just objects. Just because he loves you doesn't mean other girls aren't sexy and we finally decided that in the end it only hurts because she allowed it. So we are going with a new trust and openness style relationship. If you love him you love him how he is... like you said you can't change him.

    and as a side note, after she gave me the openess our problem has vanished and I completely an not even attracted to this other girl anymore. It was perfect.

  • We are hardwired to notice women and their sexuality. It is instinct. Our eyes do this automatically. Choosing to keep staring is another thing. Choosing to act on what we see is quite another thing.

    It seems unlikely that when a woman is happily partnered she will suddenly become blind to all men's attractiveness. My guess is it is much the same for women.

  • This is a natural reaction for most men even if they are completely satisfied with the girl they are with and find there girl to be the hottest in the world. We will still look, or at least want to. You can control it and at least make it less obvious. Maybe an innocent glance instead of gawking at some chicks but. Gawkin and obvious starring is innapropriate and disrespectful. He will p*ss some dude off inevitably if he can't be less conspicuous. However normal this may be, if your not yet secure in the relationship do not get married.

    • So..I should accept this? He knows his wandering eye upsets me...and the fact that he still does it is what hurts more. But like I said, I can't decide if I'm severely over reacting or if what he is doing is wrong.

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    • Well if he wanted to cheat or it turned sexual that is a different story and you need to be secure enough in your relationship to know that this is not going to happen. The best thing to do is let him know exactly how it makes you feel and see if he can instill some kind of confidence with the way he responds to your concern. Also, If you were at the beach and saw a hot guy, with a six pack and toned muscular body sunbathing next to you, you wouldn't check him out?

    • Honestly, not really. I'd obviously notice him- but it'd be the exact same way I'd notice a woman...or a pretty dog. I guess I'm under the impression that when he looks at other women, it's not the same way I'd look at a man. He and I argued about this and he said exactly what you said, but my argument was that a person's muscles is different from a woman's breasts. If I was looking at this guy's crotch, I'd understand. But him finding another woman attractive doesn't bother me unless its sexual

  • You have to understand, this is not necessarily a bad thing, even though it may seem like it. Men are hard wired to be visual in a way that notices certain types of movements. Bouncing breasts and swishy walks are two of those types of movements. I (very, very straight man) have caught myself looking at a mans ass before (MULTIPLE occasions) because he had that way of walking. Embarrassing, to say the least.

    In short, it has nothing to do with how "good" you are. He notices because noticing things like that is a survival instinct for men. It's no different than how women have better color vision on average - during our hunter-gatherer days, women had to be able to tell which red berry was really tasty and which one would kill you if you ate it. It's no different than how men can handle 3D mapping in their heads better, on average, than women - a hunter does a much better job of hunting when he can figure out the strategic and tactical advantages the terrain gives him.

    Love has nothing to do with it. If you try to make him deny that instinct, one of two things will happen - he'll succeed, and wind up so tightly wound up from constantly and at all times making the effort to keep that portion of his brain disconnected, that he'll be a totally different person, or he'll fail, and you'll be pissed. About the most tenable middle ground is to ask him, not to stop, but to RESTRAIN himself from rubbernecking. Which is fair. The glance is the part that is hardwired, not the twist of the neck or drop of the jaw. So go ahead and ask him to do that much, because that is fair.

    As you might imagine, there isn't really a thought process associated with this - no nudity picture, no nothing really. There's an old joke about a guy on the beach looking at the girls, and saying something to the effect of "Nice scenery". That joke is overused, but it's got a kernel of truth to it. If you open your eyes to a beautiful sunset, you can't help but admire certain aspects of it - light shining through the trees, the play of the light through the clouds culminating in shades of amber and lavender across the horizon - so on and so forth. That is, quite literally, how we see a nice ass or a good set of boobs. It can't really be helped. Take it as a sign that your man is virile, and stop obsessing over it.

    Hope this helps.

  • proposed for marriage? BUTT he just can't keep his eye of her ass? diam, I think you have a potential sex addict here. Since you are 100% sure he is checkin other women out proper like walkin past...girl if he does that sh*t in front of you then f**k knows what he will do when your not around! but don't get me wrong tho I don't want to be the cause for anyone's brake up, but before kids get in the way you need to be sure he doesn't have like 3 wives and 12 kids, lol. But still, I as a male wouldn't look at a girls breats or ass unless I like what I see. if what he says is true then does he check out a man's ass too, like you mention above?

  • I do think it's wrong, to do it constantly and yet to defend it. However logical, he still knows it hurts you. Yet he still does it. That's the main point here. Regardless what a man says, staring at another woman CAN be stopped. It's almost impossible to stop an impulse glance, that can last for a second though. That is true. But to systematically look at the butt and breast, there is a thought process involved. This can be stopped, and it seems he can't control himself.

    Is it worth breaking up over? Yes and no. No because if he hasn't cheated and remained faithful to you, then it's obvious that it's something you have to reason with. He must be open to try and control his staring as well. Yes because you don't know if it's something of a precursor. I look at your photo, and I think, "Gosh, I think any guy would want to gawk at you instead". Yet this man doesn't seem satisfied enough. Would he someday seek out someone younger or just as attractive? That decision can be better answered by you. But the main point, like I said, is that he does this continually even though he knows it hurts you. I've never had an issue with staring, and I knew it would upset her. So I know full well that learning to control yourself is possible.

  • Its natural instince and often time we can't really help it. You are gorgeous so you have no reason to have low self esteem. He has proposed to you, and wants to be with YOU the rest of his life - NOT these random women he sees. Men are more sensitive to sexual stimuli whereas women are more sensitive to emotional stimuli. Your man loves you, but those sexual images are very hard to overcome - and it has nothing to do with what he thinks of you. Its harder for me to overcome than women just because of the differences in our brains and hormones.

  • Okay, well, let's see. If he were t do this OCCASIONALLY, that'd be perfectly naturally. Just a quick glance at an attractive person would do no harm. Just as he should be open with you taking the occasionally look once in a while at a particularly attractive man; there's no harm in that. Now, what you're describing is different. It sounds like he's doing this frequently, meaning it's gone beyond the occasional glance. This means one of 3 things:
    1.) He doesn't respect you for sh*t
    2.) He feels pressured that in being in a committed relationship, he's never feel "like a man" again, like a free bachelor, and so instead of cheating on his spouse, he rationalizes that it's okay to simply look at women.
    3.) He has a psychological issue in general.

    So, looking at those options, pick which one you think it is. If he doesn't respect you for sh*t, dump him. If it's 1 or 2, talk to him about it, and maybe convince him to get counseling for it. Now, I know what you're thinking, to most men the mere mention of "counseling" is a death sentence, but hear me out. Try to coax him into, tell him it's bonding as a couple to be even closer, not a session for yelling at each other. I think he should appreciate that just fine.

    • I appreciate your honesty, but I wouldn't go that far. He is a respectable person. When I notice, it isn't like he's being entirely rude. He's not obnoxious about it to the point where the woman would even notice. I'm just trying to figure out what it all means.

    • If he is discreet about it, that sounds perfectly normal and you may be a bit sensitive to it. I check out other girls even when I'm holding my wifes hand. Females are very attractive, but I will never cheat on my wife, I take my commitment to her seriously and would not ruin her trust for me or hurt her.

  • he's going to marry you darlin. he's doing this because he loves you. just because we (men) are with other women or married doesn't mean that we're removed from the act of looking at attractive women. I'm sure as well and even caught many that women look at attractive guys even when they're with someone. Just because I look at and admire a beautiful woman doesn't mean that I want to leave my girl and hop into bed with the other woman. It's an instinct that both sex have and to see an attractive person and admire them doesn't make them less committed to you as a boyfriend or husband. It's got totally NOTHING to do with you being good enough or attractive enough. Truth known you are more than likely looked at and admired yourself without knowing it. In face if that is your photo on your profile...I GUARANTEE you're being checked out daily. When I look at your picture admire your beauty, your tattoo work, your eyes, your lips and the mystery in your eyes. I find you totally beautiful and very attractive. Would I sleep with you? yes I would without a doubt based on your looks I would. That is I would if I were not committed to someone currently. Being with someone that I care about and committed to keeps me faithful to only her because she's amazing and beautiful and one of a kind. I'm sure you are as well. But doesn't mean that I don't look at you and think about how beautiful and sexy you are. I can do that but know that my girl is where my commitment lies. The same I'm sure your boyfriend feels. Additionally, "MAKE HIM STOP"? really? I think you're taking this way to personal and way to much at heart...relax and try and know that its not about how you look or don't look. It's the drive that were created with both man and woman. Just because we say "I do" doesn't mean we become non-human. Becareful, because you don't want him to feel so controlled that you're watching his every move when you're out because you'll call him on looking or think he's looking. I've been down that road as well and I've moved on from that type of relationship. Good luck.

  • He's not considerate of your feelings. He sure may be telling the truth when he says that it's not personal but fact is, it bothers you. He should take that into consideration if it's something he is willing to stop doing for you. I have been in 3 serious relationships. My 1st love, I showed her the respect that I received. 2nd relationship was not ast strong and I did keep my "options" open... 3rd. was very strong and again I showed respect.

  • Yeah, I can say that I wouldn't be staring at a woman's butt if I was going to propose to her that night. I'm very self-aware about such things. I do otherwise, since it's my favorite part of a woman. She can have A-cup breasts, unattractive face, but a big beautiful tight butt...I'm going to look, since it's a rare sight, and I'm going to want her like crazy. So I'm wonder if you husband is a serious butt man like myself and/or perhaps he was feeling like this was the last time I'm going to be having sex with other women and so he starting "whistfully" looking around at what he's going to be missing. Or, worse case scenario, he was inadvertantly telling you that he wasn't really ready to propose.

  • The reason he can't give a straight answer is because he doesn't understand it himself. You seem to assume that he is consciously picking this woman out and looking at her. The opposite is true, it's a conscious effort not to look. Guys notice, you can't help it, weather it's nurture or nature doesn't really matter. You see something that catches your attention and it's there, but often it does not register what it is you are looking at. I don't know how to describe it, it's not overtly sexual you are not looking and thinking OMG I want to sleep with her, it's more just something of interest. There's really no difference in a guys mind psychologically between seeing a pair of breasts and a pretty flower. I know I am being confusing but I don't know how to describe this.

  • men are HARD WIRED to do this ... its as instinctive as breathing 95% of the time it dosen't mean anything I wouldn't worry about it :)

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What Girls Said 36

  • sorry- I didn't read the details of your question. But I will answer it anyways, why men look at other women?

    Women are beautiful, as humans we are attracted to beautiful things. I am a women and I appreciate other women's beauty, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Men do the same thing, and probally fantasize a little, but that's all it is.

    It's unattractive to get insecure or jealous by another woman's beauty. You don't have to fake not being insecure, but try appreciating the way others look. That type of outlook will lead to happiness, true confidence and healthy relationships:)

  • I've been told that guys are wired to do that and there isn't any guy who doesn't look at a woman for a split second and notice if she's attractive or not. But when someone is in love with you, that split second is ONLY a split second because once he gets over that split second and looks at you, he sees the most beautiful woman in front of him and knows that he loves you more than anything. If your guy can admit this and also you can see how long he looks at other women, then he probably just is trying to figure out if he made the correct decision to propose to you. I know this sounds like he's going astray, but he proposed to you and that's a big deal. If you notice it way too often, then he's not the one. He's getting cold feet and isn't ready. Tell him that if he's not ready then it's OK. You'll wait for him to be ready to give all his attention on you.

  • If women were to gawk at men, their husbands/boyfriends would surely be offended. That being said, guys will be guys, and every single one of them will check out a woman in the room. The difference in in their degree of obviousness. If a man is so obvious that he's leaving a puddle of drool on his table and/or the woman of focus has noticed his staring, he needs to learn the art of subtelty.

    You won't change this very basic behavior in your man, though you can ask him to tone it down. The bigger problem I see is that you don't feel confident in your relationship with him. You should feel so secure in his love and trust him so much that you don't doubt his intentions and fidelity. If you stay married to this man, and 20 years lapse, you will definitely find yourself in a room full of women who ARE sexier than you, and hotter than you...and you have to be able to feel comfortable in that scenario.

    • Yes, most women are better at subtely. And guys' bodies are more subtle to stare at anyway; we don't have cleavage poking out of our shirts and don't wear tight pants to show our butts. I can remember all the girls commenting on guys' butts in Italy, though, where they do wear tight pants. This is a self-esteem issue as you mention. The OP is not the most attractive girl in the world so she must know the her man loves her, because there will always be someone hotter. Fact of life.

    • Well I think in general men spend more time looking at women than women do looking at men. I can just think of times sitting with a Boyfriend or a guy friend and how they'd gawk at every marginally pretty girl. But a woman's just got her brain on other things (and not gawking at all the guys).

  • I've seem my guy look at other girls before and honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's hard not to admire an attractive person when they go by and he's only human, after all. What you need to consider is this: why does it bother you? Do you not trust him? <- If you don't that's a good reason to consider if you should be with him at all. Or does it make you feel insecure? <- If this is the reason then you need to remember that he's with you for a reason. He thinks that girl is sexy, but maybe he finds you sexier. He thinks she's sexy, but he loves you. Whatever the case, he wouldn't be with you and he certainly wouldn't have proposed to you if he didn't think you were the best.

    Also, don't tell me you don't admire other men. Everyone does it. I think my guy's hot but there are plenty of other catches out there. I'd never cheat on him with any of them, but it's nice to look.

  • Quite honestly I can say I totally understand how you feel. I've been married for almost 6 years, and my husband is amazing, wonderful, supportive, a great lover and provider. But does he still look at other women sometimes? Yes.

    Slowly I have started to understand why, though it was difficult to accept first, it does get easier with time. There is no guy out there that doesn't check out other women, even when they are with the love of thier life. Some women will try to tell you that there are, but they are just fooling themselves. They may have a guy that pretends not to look, but in reality he does (especially when she's not around) And I understand why they feel the need to do this. As little girls we are told fairytales about finding our prince charming, who will only have eyes for his princess. It's kind of a cruel thing to do to girls, because then we have to find out the hard way later. And at first, its a huge disappointment. But believe me...if he proposed, he loves you. He honestly can't help his instinctual reflexes. We don't realize it either, but we notice attractive men all the time too. (It's not as obvious because we are not as visually oriented, and we are also taught the role of nurturer, which makes us more protective of our loved-ones feelings.).

    Over time, you will learn to not obsess over it. If he is still into you, spending time with you, having sex with you, loving you...then it means nothing but noticing another woman's features. That's it. It hurts now, but you will get over that hump. If he's a wonderful person otherwise, don't hold it against him.

  • Pssssh. Even I notice a women who has an amazing butt and breasts. And hell, I'll stare for way too long HAHA. I will do the same thing with sexy men. It's not a big deal, as humans we like to appreciate beautiful things. Sure, sometimes I'll fantasize about someone I've seen, but can you really hold that against someone? Your feelings are okay, you're just a more jealous person, and probably slightly insecure, but you are being COMPLETELY irrational. Your fiance? has a wandering eye, and maybe he has been guilty of letting his mind wander to fantasies, but you are being completely irrational.

    Are you also opposed to him watching p*rn? You say you're open minded about sex, but you're uptight about your fiance IMAGINING sex with other women.

    Honestly, you need to change your mindset on these things. That's the only way for you to get over it, and you HAVE to get over it. It's not fair for you to want to control someone so much that they aren't even allowed to think about another person in a sexual manner (and NO, he probably isn't doing this EVERYTIME), even if you say you're not forcing him to stop, you are pretty much doing that by making such a big deal of it. If he isn't cheating on you, you should NOT be so upset. If your relationship is hurting because of this, the only person you can blame is yourself for being so childish and for making your fiance feel like he is guilty of something. If anything, you should apologize for being so ridiculous.

    • You also mentioned you can't help but feel like you're not enough for him, because he has to think about other women. But guess what? HE PROPOSED MARRIAGE TO YOU. He obviously wants you, and he obviously is saying he doesn't want anyone else. So, you need to think very hard about why you are sabotaging this relationship. If the only issue is his wandering eye, you really, really need to consider that there is something deeper making you do this.

  • Sorry girl, it's a man's world. I understand how you feel completely, but hey, when they say it's their biology, they can't help it, etc... it's true. I know it sucks. But it's true. I blame Disney. Prince charming doesn't exist, and I hate having been told so many fairy tales when I was a kid. Otherwise I wouldn't have grown up so deluded about men.

    Sigh... it sucks, but it's reality and we have to accept it. They are able to love, and that's awesome. Men are awesome, but they have their flaws. Just think of this like that, a flaw. We have flaws, maybe physical flaws, that they notice. They have this flaw. Does it take away from all their wonderful characteristics? I think not. it's a small price to pay for the treasure that men are.

    So yeah. we just gotta learn how to live with it. We have our flaws too.


  • That sounds more like a not-so-serious relationship. :/

    The guy I'm with doesn't look at other women. I don't look at other men. It's more like a 'if you won't, then I shouldn't either' type of thing.

    I also remember my parents and I going out to eat not too long ago. I've never noticed my mother or father looking at other people unless it was the waiter so they could order. I've even been to the beach and neither of them look. Neither does the man I'm with.

    Yet, I see some of my friends and thier mate, and the man is gawkin' all over the place. Some even comment on other women. By the way, it doesn't last too long.

    If you guys are getting married, you should be at the point where it doesn't happen.. Especially if you're as pretty as you are. If he wants to think, let him do it silently and if he knows he's hurting you, but he doesn't care, I think you should have a serious talk with him. It's really ignorant, you know?

  • please don't take it personally, men appreciate beauty/shape where they see it. they're programmed to look, they can help HOW they look but not IF. it's entirely natural for him to be drawn to something other than what he has - doesn't mean he prefers the other women or that he wants them - he proposed to you after all. but honestly he can't help what his body and eyes are drawn to and it's a far better idea for us (as girlfriends) to accept it, not to feel personally inferior because of it - he doesn't look because you're not attractive enough. far from it, it's exciting for him but he's got you to play with later - let him look and keep him hooked.

    sometimes if I've noticed my man looking elsewhere I'll mention it while we're f***ing and make sure he knows he's getting punished for his behavior - he can look but he only gets to f*** me with his body and brain - his eyes don't matter so much.

  • It may seem weird but I even look at really pretty girls sometimes, same as I look at hott guys or a cute puppy, its just human nature imo...

  • Probably would be best to ask him to try and be a little more discrete about it. I know for me, if I don't see it then it doesn't bother me so much. I know it happens and I'm not one to ask anyone to change, so its just best if I don't see it. Just tell him how you feel and ask for him to at least try and save it for when your not around. That should work if that is the real problem, but if the problem is trust than that's a whole different thing.

  • I'm a girl,and I can't help myself.If something is attractive,I can't help but look at it.

    Does it matter if he's fantasizing about her?I sure as hell will fantasize about David Beckham before I fantasize about a random guy in the street

  • thank you for asking this question it is very interesting.

  • it's called window shopping. chicks do this too. you can't honestly say you've never stared at different parts of a good looking man before, even if you had a steady, satisfied relationship.

    or maybe it's just me? but whatever. point is, I'm not going to go out and cheat on my guy and I'm not going to masturbate to the thought of another guy.

    it's just window shopping...lookie but no touch, you know?

  • well all guys do it my man does it I think its OK too look as long as they don't touch or flirt with the girl.i wouldn't worry about it guys do so many things that we will never understand.

  • Men are physical creatures. apparence is what the notice first. and any attractice women will get looked at. any women with big bouncy boobs will get looked at and chick with a bubble butt and wide hips will get looked at. doesn't means he's gonna leave you and that he doesn't love you any more or that he's not attracted to you cause trust me if he wasn't you whouldnt have the ring on your finger

  • I think you should be more nervous if he wasn't noticing other women. If it gets to a really bad point, then maybe you have some cause to worry. but right now enjoy the fact that even if he likes to look at other people's breasts, he's chosen yours for a reason-because to him, they're the best.

  • it's their instint, they're animals, we are all! (Didn't mean in a bitcy way)

  • It never bothered me when my boyfriend checks out other girls. I don't even care if they flirt them a little. It's healthy, and I don't see a problem with it at all.

  • knock his f***ing teeth in.

    • Wow its amazing your till single isn't it?

    • Wow, stranger! Your lame-ass sure knows a lot about me.

  • Okay. There is nothing wrong with you feeling like this. His behavior is disrespectful and insensitive. Men all notice attractive woman, but they can also choose to look away, and certainly if they do check them out, make it discrete. This does not sound like what your fiancé is doing. Now to be honest with you, I had a similar problem with my boyfriend and then fiancé. I am a beautiful woman, by most people's standards, and yet when I saw him checking out other woman, it really effected me too. To be honest, my fiancé had a change of heart by becoming a Christian. Over time, his attitude, and his behavior changed. Unless your fiancé understands this is a real problem and changes it, you are in for a life of pain and disappointment. His behavior will continue to hurt you, embarrass and humiliate you. Now, you, like many other woman, may pretend to accept this behavior and make excuses, laugh about it, and even do like wise. But underneath the laughing, is just a bunch of people who have given up finding a man that respects them, and has self control. To me, it was big enough for me to break up with him and choose to wait for a better man. Thankfully, that man did finally come.

    • I'm sorry but I have to disagree we can't help it and it's a females responsiblity to accept it there's nothing wrong with looking wouldn't it be worse if he was cheating it's just very petty if you ask me. and it's not self control lol we are just looking, think of it this way how would you feel if you are talking to a guy friend and your boyfriend was blowing it out of proportion you'd say wow he has issues I was just talking just realize both sexes deal with this just learn to accepted it.

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    • Let's be real here bottom line it is not about insecurity on the GF part Bf is Eye fuc**** another woma ,,, there is a difference in a casual glance admiring a woman's beauty and flat out being disrespectful... Just had an all out hour long ordeal with this... Men just want the excuses to make this ok and acceptable... The bible states otherwise... I am no perfect christian but this is lusting for another woman if it is more than a casual glance... What does lusting mean here's the definition, a strong desire for yearn dream hanker after hunger thrust etc... Men always want to make it innocent and ok well it is not! Of course they don't care if u do because that makes it ok " and of course

    • Continuation of below... what's the harm if I come home to u" omg really On the receiving end of ogles it makes me feel very uncomfortable... And if a man is with his woman and does it in front of her it makes me feel very bad for her... A casual glance I m good with but anything more... Guess I am just old fashion, and have ideals... I do know I have been with BF s who are very respectful descreat when admiring a woman's beauty and I am good with that. Then next it s oh well why do u ware make up etc when u go out... To attract? No because I want to feel pretty and not look like a slobbbb ha omg it is an ego thing just like if we were to admit a previous BF had a bigger package or was better in bed ,,,

  • oh my god this question has been on my mind FOREVER...I am in a very similar situation

  • Guys look at women period short fat tall or ugly that's their nature. My man has profected the art so he does it so that is doesn't offend me they don't do it to hurt us they do it becuse they are men don't let that affect your self esteem you are awsome period know that feel that same thing with p*rn I feel as long as he watches it at home and as long as he looks but don't touch then I am good I look to lol

  • Men like looking at other women like women enjoy looking at other houses. You might live in a super nice house, but you still like to look--not necessarily because you want to buy another house, but just because you like to look.
    But unlike a house, women have feelings. Your guy should man-up a bit and not be so obvious when he's with you. Save the ogling, drooling and other comments for when he's out with his buddies.

  • I been married to my husband for almost 20 years, he has become a liar, he is addicted to gambling, porno and drugs, he has become violent and just this past weekend for the first time in 20 years the police came to our house because he started chocking me in front of my daughter and she called the cops, I did no want to press charges but now I regretted, he left the house, took the money that we had in savings for our vacation, almost 2k, hasn’t come back in two days, hasn’t call and he changed his cellphone number. I’m sad but I can’t continue, for the sake of my kids, I have to leave this relationship, my self esteem is on the floor and I feel very helpless until i met this spell cater called Dr Lawrence on Facebook who brought him back contact him on drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com for your own help

  • Oh mercy if a particular girl turns him on while he is in love with you. You better believe he will give you some major love making. Enjoy it!!

  • If he is looking at their breasts and butts, it's totally sexual. He just doesn't want to admit that because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I am very concerned about him doing this (blatantly) on the night he proposed to you. It sounds like he isn't too ready to settle down and get married if he's ogling other women, and lying to you about it. I don't care what guys may tell you. While it's normal to notice that somebody else is attractive, it's not normal to be staring and lusting after their bodies when they are spending time with you. It's disrespectful, and then to lie to you? I can tell from your picture that you are a beautiful woman, and you sound like you are intelligent and fun-loving. I would tell you to tell him how it makes you feel, and if he loved you, he would stop, but since he's denying it altogether, I don't know. I know many guys that would be thrilled to date someone like you, and they are respectful. If I were in that position, I would hold off on the wedding until you are more certain that this is the kind of guy you want.

    • How many guys care about the purse a woman is carrying? What non-sexual thing should he look at? Her earrings? The lobes of her ears? Is every guy out there supposed to think he's better looking than George Clooney as to not feel badly that his girlfriend might not like him?

  • Is it a glance, a gawk or "the" look? There are those eye locking moments that speak volumes. Is he communicating with that sort of look? I am married and am experiencing the "look" from another man who is divorced but I know he's in a fairly committed relationship. He has eye locked with me enough to make me realize he's letting me know that if I wanted, we could hook up. I feel strongly that he is most likely doing this with any woman that strikes his fancy. So I don't feel inflated over this at all. He's handsome and probably this is his thing and what most likely lead to his divorce. I can't image his girlfriend doesn't see this. But that being said, many women chose to deny than to deal with the truth. My husband looks at pretty women here an there but never in a communicative way. I know I'm his #1 and never worry about this. But this other man,,,, if I were his girlfriend, I would be concerned. So you know the looks and the differences. You're a smart girl and can figure out if this is going beyond the normal scope of human nature. You know your relationship and there would be tell tale signs combined with the looking that would give you your answers.

  • because he's a jerk.

  • Men do this all the time no matter if they are single or not honestly. I see guys checking me out while they are with their wife or girlfriend. Yes I have big breast and a big butt and a small waist but its not like I go around showing off my assets. I don't think he is doing it on purpose, its more of the fact that he can't help that he's a guy and whatever these women have has attracted him. Seems like he just want to have sex with them, its like lust. Answer mine? link

    Oh and you can't make him stop so I suggest you take marriage counseling and having big breast doesn't just make you attractive, you have to have a pretty face, good attitude, nice hair and a nice body. What he's looking at you may not have, perhaps they seem more easy going

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