Men who look at other women - I need help understanding.....

I've read a million questions and answers on this topic but I need answers more specifically tailored to my scenario.

My fiance took me up to Cape Cod to propose to me. One night, we were about to exit our hotel room (he was in the hallway while I was headed out)--and I watched his eyes follow something up and down. When I came out, I realized he was gawking (mouth open) at another woman's butt (he admitted to this.) Not even three hours later, he proposed to me. That is the start of this whole mess.

Since then, I always catch him looking at women. He doesn't exactly seem to stare, but it's hard for me to tell how long he's been looking. We've talked about this and he's tried to explain to me that it isn't sexual and that it is the same thing if he were to notice a fat person, or a deformity, or an attractive man or woman. He says it's all the same to him. ...which I don't believe at all. If he were simply noticing a woman was attractive, I wouldn't care. But I always catch him looking at her butt or her breasts...and when I try to be tricky and ask him later on what he thought of what he saw, he always says he liked it. So he's obviously doing this on purpose and thinking about it...right?

It's giving me very low self esteem and our relationship has slowly been deteriorating because of this. I'm very sensitive and watching him look at another woman, especially the night he decides to's just really taking it's toll on me. I don't do it to him, honestly..and I feel I deserve the same level of respect.

But I am arguing with myself because I've read a million times that it is just something a man can't help. But how? If a man really, truly loves a woman and thinks she's beautiful...then how can he not help looking at other women? And why would he want to?

I'm very open minded when it comes to sex, and I have and will try anything. My fiance knows this and I know he is definitely not bored of our sex life. So what is the reasoning for this?

When I try to ask him...his answers never make sense and always seem to conflict each other. I know I'm attractive to some degree..I've done a bit of modeling, and I'm in great shape with large breasts..(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I just keep wondering why I'm not good enough.

And when a man looks at another woman and is in a committed relationship that has no other issues, what does it mean? And what is the thought process? Are you picturing her naked, or want to sleep with her, or imagining sleeping with her? Or is it simply just an observation?

And also, what do I do about this? I can't force him to stop, but yet it hurts me to stay with him and feel this what can I do to get through this? It seems as if something so small has turned huge and I don't know what to do. It's like, I can't make him stop, but I can't make myself stop hurting over it. Is there another option?

Also- what is your take on him not only noticing a woman is attractive, but also noticing her breasts and butt?

Most Helpful Guy

  • As long as he isn't making prolonged stares then you have nothing to worry about. What is causing him to notice these women is human instinct. Men are biologically programmed to selectively notice these features on women. Men are instinctively programmed to notice large breasts and butts. this is because a large butt would signify a higher success rate of child birth, as the child has more space. And large breasts signify a mother that would be able to properly nourish the baby. These instincts are still in tact, and he really can't help but notice, but as you say he can make an effort to look away when he does notice.

    Human consciousness and instinct are completely apart. He feels no emotional desire for these women when he notices them. I assure you human emotions, like love have evolved far beyond the point to where any random girl has any place in his mind or heart, other than you

    Hope this helps!


    • I've already asked someone this question, but I appreciate your honesty, so I'm going to ask you as well. Men always joke about not getting married and how they couldn't stand to be with the same woman their whole this true? Because everyone keeps telling me not to worry, that he loves only ME, but for how long til he gets bored? He was also a virgin before me...which doesn't make me feel any better about this..

    • Nope, nope nope. Men are not biologically programmed to gawk at women's body parts. Sadly, men are socially conditioned to objectify women. Having larger breasts DOES NOT mean a higher success rate of nourishing a child, breasts of all shapes and sizes can be capable of nourishing a child. You don't even need breasts to nourish a child. Yes he can help himself from not treating women like they are only exist solely to sexually stimulate him. I believe men can be capable of treating women like human beings and not like objects and thinking critically of their actions (and not blaming their rude behavior on BS "instinct" excuses.)