Men who look at other women - I need help understanding.....

I've read a million questions and answers on this topic but I need answers more specifically tailored to my scenario.

My fiance took me up to Cape Cod to propose to me. One night, we were about to exit our hotel room (he was in the hallway while I was headed out)--and I watched his eyes follow something up and down. When I came out, I realized he was gawking (mouth open) at another woman's butt (he admitted to this.) Not even three hours later, he proposed to me. That is the start of this whole mess.

Since then, I always catch him looking at women. He doesn't exactly seem to stare, but it's hard for me to tell how long he's been looking. We've talked about this and he's tried to explain to me that it isn't sexual and that it is the same thing if he were to notice a fat person, or a deformity, or an attractive man or woman. He says it's all the same to him. ...which I don't believe at all. If he were simply noticing a woman was attractive, I wouldn't care. But I always catch him looking at her butt or her breasts...and when I try to be tricky and ask him later on what he thought of what he saw, he always says he liked it. So he's obviously doing this on purpose and thinking about it...right?

It's giving me very low self esteem and our relationship has slowly been deteriorating because of this. I'm very sensitive and watching him look at another woman, especially the night he decides to propose...it's just really taking it's toll on me. I don't do it to him, honestly..and I feel I deserve the same level of respect.

But I am arguing with myself because I've read a million times that it is just something a man can't help. But how? If a man really, truly loves a woman and thinks she's beautiful...then how can he not help looking at other women? And why would he want to?

I'm very open minded when it comes to sex, and I have and will try anything. My fiance knows this and I know he is definitely not bored of our sex life. So what is the reasoning for this?

When I try to ask him...his answers never make sense and always seem to conflict each other. I know I'm attractive to some degree..I've done a bit of modeling, and I'm in great shape with large breasts..(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I just keep wondering why I'm not good enough.

And when a man looks at another woman and is in a committed relationship that has no other issues, what does it mean? And what is the thought process? Are you picturing her naked, or want to sleep with her, or imagining sleeping with her? Or is it simply just an observation?

And also, what do I do about this? I can't force him to stop, but yet it hurts me to stay with him and feel this way..so what can I do to get through this? It seems as if something so small has turned huge and I don't know what to do. It's like, I can't make him stop, but I can't make myself stop hurting over it. Is there another option?

Also- what is your take on him not only noticing a woman is attractive, but also noticing her breasts and butt?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • As long as he isn't making prolonged stares then you have nothing to worry about. What is causing him to notice these women is human instinct. Men are biologically programmed to selectively notice these features on women. Men are instinctively programmed to notice large breasts and butts. this is because a large butt would signify a higher success rate of child birth, as the child has more space. And large breasts signify a mother that would be able to properly nourish the baby. These instincts are still in tact, and he really can't help but notice, but as you say he can make an effort to look away when he does notice.

    Human consciousness and instinct are completely apart. He feels no emotional desire for these women when he notices them. I assure you human emotions, like love have evolved far beyond the point to where any random girl has any place in his mind or heart, other than you

    Hope this helps!

    Avatarr

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    • I've already asked someone this question, but I appreciate your honesty, so I'm going to ask you as well. Men always joke about not getting married and how they couldn't stand to be with the same woman their whole lives...is this true? Because everyone keeps telling me not to worry, that he loves only ME, but for how long til he gets bored? He was also a virgin before me...which doesn't make me feel any better about this..

    • Nope, nope nope. Men are not biologically programmed to gawk at women's body parts. Sadly, men are socially conditioned to objectify women. Having larger breasts DOES NOT mean a higher success rate of nourishing a child, breasts of all shapes and sizes can be capable of nourishing a child. You don't even need breasts to nourish a child. Yes he can help himself from not treating women like they are only exist solely to sexually stimulate him. I believe men can be capable of treating women like human beings and not like objects and thinking critically of their actions (and not blaming their rude behavior on BS "instinct" excuses.)

What Guys Said 74

  • Sure a guy can 'help it.' Respect for women doesn't come naturally in the modern US, naturally, so you'll have to work with him on this. Maybe a few slaps on the face..!

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  • I'm a typical (teenage) guy, I've struggled with that too. )please just read this whole thing) and I thought about it a long time in my own life. The thing, is it IS sexual. From my understanding of females you can look at a guy and think "oh, he's pretty hot". But for a guy to look at a girl he can see her face, see her figure,say "she's pretty hot!" and become to some degree sexually aroused by it. He is actually getting sexual pleasure just by what he sees. I know what that sounds like from your perspective. I'm not defending the act but I will say he really isn't doing it on purpose. When I realized what I was doing, I had to be constantly on guard, constantly focusing on something on the other side of the road, or further down the road then the girl. But even that wasn't enough. I would see the glistening body of a female jogger bouncing down the road and I would "track her" with my eyes. Even when I stopped looking at sexually charged images my mind still said, "hey, do I know that jogger?" Obviously I didn't. But after I would "track her" I would think, hey did I just glance at her face to see if I knew her? Of coarse the answer was no. I was "seeing if I knew her" but really just giving her the up-down. Believe it or not, EVERY man faces this battle. ALL of the men/young men I know who FIGHTS this battle feels the benefit of it. When a guy is FINALLY able to not look at women for sexual gratification, train his mind, train his eyes not to constantly be pleasure seeking, it feel liberating, he will feel happier. Any guy reading this will be like WHAAAAAT?!-but its true) not only that, but it changes the way a man appreciates his wife or girlfriend. The woman of interest in the mans life "becomes" INFINETLY MORE attractive.

    Before you say "I do" know that the vows won't change anything. It will only stop if he has a change of heart. Honestly get the book "every mans Battle" or "Every Young mans Battle" read this WITH him, regardless of if either of you believe in God, you'll notice the change in the way he reacts with people, ESPECIALLY the way he reacts with YOU.

    point is, he does it because he developed a naturality to seek out sexual things(women, sexy billboards, tv, magazines...) and receive pleasure from it. Its not intentional, he probably doesn't even know why he does it, probably pays NO attention to it. But know that he does love you and this habit can be changed.

    -good luck

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  • Men will always stare, even if he has the most beautiful woman in the world.

    If you own a car you think is awesome, your going to look at an appreciate other cars that look almost as cool, just to reinforce the fact yours is the best.

    Same goes for women.

    Yes I compared women to a car.

    Men do it to reinforce what they have is what they wanted. And constantly do it. Its primal men can't control it.

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  • Well, from my perspective, when a guy really loves someone and is about to ask them to marry them, he's got nothing, and I mean NOTHING else on his mind. He's nervous as hell, and has blinders on to the situation at hand, will I f*ck up asking her and will she say no. I don't know this guy or his personality, but sounds like he already new what your answer would be or that he could ask you anytime he wanted and you would say yes to it. Also, if he knows this, then he wasn't worried about you loving him, no matter what he does. But, he on a subconscious level, knows that if he looses you or hurts you, it won't be good for him or else he wouldn't lie about what he does. He probably does love you, just love women in general. But, always bringing it up and hounding him about what he does and obsessing about it will drive him away because then you're getting annoying (sorry, came out harsh), but that's the truth. It starts to make you look like you don't have self-confidence and that's not a turn on to anyone. Especially if the person has a lot of self-confidence. You have to tell him how it made you feel that night. Like it made you feel like you weren't important to him and that's why you have self doubt about when he's always looking at other women. Has he shown that he is liking other women or if he get's close to other women, then that's another issue and shows he isn't into you and wants to maybe pursue others. But, if he still treats you like you're the most important person in his world (and you now how he does this better than anyone), then it's probably just he likes to look at women and admire the female body. There isn't just 1 hot girl in the world you know. Especially how women dress now a-days. It's hard for a guy to keep his head in one spot all the time. You're wearing sweats and a t-shirt and then a stunner comes by in heels, mini, tight jeans, cleavage all over, etc. What do you expect? As long as he's not straining his neck holding your hand. That's just disrespect. Just talk to him seriously, without accusations and see where his head's at.

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  • Ladies, please, just take this without trying to justify it: THERE IS AN UNCONSCIOUS REACTION TO FEMALE BODY PARTS. That being said, there is a difference between a glance and gawking. It may be different for different guys, but the difference between unconscious and conscious for me is about a second. I feel it is a gentleman's duty to keep this to the most extreme minimum as it is very disrespectful to whoever you're with, but no matter how hard I try it is going to happen.

    I'll use myself as an example. Let's say I'm talking to a woman at a formal event, where it's not uncommon to wear a dress accentuating the bosom. This woman can be completely unattractive in my eyes. Let's say 30 years older than me and extremely overweight and unkept. But if she has large breasts exposed, I know what's going to happen. So in my head, I keep myself aware of what not to do. This means not listening to whatever she is saying, because if for one second I forget not to look down, the corner of my eye will catch the twins and will focus in for a better look. Well, without exception, eventually I'm going to become engrossed in the conversation and my etiquette just completely falls asleep at the wheel.

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What Girls Said 36

  • sorry- I didn't read the details of your question. But I will answer it anyways, why men look at other women?

    Women are beautiful, as humans we are attracted to beautiful things. I am a women and I appreciate other women's beauty, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Men do the same thing, and probally fantasize a little, but that's all it is.

    It's unattractive to get insecure or jealous by another woman's beauty. You don't have to fake not being insecure, but try appreciating the way others look. That type of outlook will lead to happiness, true confidence and healthy relationships:)

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  • I've been told that guys are wired to do that and there isn't any guy who doesn't look at a woman for a split second and notice if she's attractive or not. But when someone is in love with you, that split second is ONLY a split second because once he gets over that split second and looks at you, he sees the most beautiful woman in front of him and knows that he loves you more than anything. If your guy can admit this and also you can see how long he looks at other women, then he probably just is trying to figure out if he made the correct decision to propose to you. I know this sounds like he's going astray, but he proposed to you and that's a big deal. If you notice it way too often, then he's not the one. He's getting cold feet and isn't ready. Tell him that if he's not ready then it's OK. You'll wait for him to be ready to give all his attention on you.

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  • If women were to gawk at men, their husbands/boyfriends would surely be offended. That being said, guys will be guys, and every single one of them will check out a woman in the room. The difference in in their degree of obviousness. If a man is so obvious that he's leaving a puddle of drool on his table and/or the woman of focus has noticed his staring, he needs to learn the art of subtelty.

    You won't change this very basic behavior in your man, though you can ask him to tone it down. The bigger problem I see is that you don't feel confident in your relationship with him. You should feel so secure in his love and trust him so much that you don't doubt his intentions and fidelity. If you stay married to this man, and 20 years lapse, you will definitely find yourself in a room full of women who ARE sexier than you, and hotter than you...and you have to be able to feel comfortable in that scenario.

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    • Yes, most women are better at subtely. And guys' bodies are more subtle to stare at anyway; we don't have cleavage poking out of our shirts and don't wear tight pants to show our butts. I can remember all the girls commenting on guys' butts in Italy, though, where they do wear tight pants. This is a self-esteem issue as you mention. The OP is not the most attractive girl in the world so she must know the her man loves her, because there will always be someone hotter. Fact of life.

    • Well I think in general men spend more time looking at women than women do looking at men. I can just think of times sitting with a Boyfriend or a guy friend and how they'd gawk at every marginally pretty girl. But a woman's just got her brain on other things (and not gawking at all the guys).

  • I've seem my guy look at other girls before and honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's hard not to admire an attractive person when they go by and he's only human, after all. What you need to consider is this: why does it bother you? Do you not trust him? <- If you don't that's a good reason to consider if you should be with him at all. Or does it make you feel insecure? <- If this is the reason then you need to remember that he's with you for a reason. He thinks that girl is sexy, but maybe he finds you sexier. He thinks she's sexy, but he loves you. Whatever the case, he wouldn't be with you and he certainly wouldn't have proposed to you if he didn't think you were the best.

    Also, don't tell me you don't admire other men. Everyone does it. I think my guy's hot but there are plenty of other catches out there. I'd never cheat on him with any of them, but it's nice to look.

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  • Quite honestly I can say I totally understand how you feel. I've been married for almost 6 years, and my husband is amazing, wonderful, supportive, a great lover and provider. But does he still look at other women sometimes? Yes.

    Slowly I have started to understand why, though it was difficult to accept first, it does get easier with time. There is no guy out there that doesn't check out other women, even when they are with the love of thier life. Some women will try to tell you that there are, but they are just fooling themselves. They may have a guy that pretends not to look, but in reality he does (especially when she's not around) And I understand why they feel the need to do this. As little girls we are told fairytales about finding our prince charming, who will only have eyes for his princess. It's kind of a cruel thing to do to girls, because then we have to find out the hard way later. And at first, its a huge disappointment. But believe me...if he proposed, he loves you. He honestly can't help his instinctual reflexes. We don't realize it either, but we notice attractive men all the time too. (It's not as obvious because we are not as visually oriented, and we are also taught the role of nurturer, which makes us more protective of our loved-ones feelings.).

    Over time, you will learn to not obsess over it. If he is still into you, spending time with you, having sex with you, loving you...then it means nothing but noticing another woman's features. That's it. It hurts now, but you will get over that hump. If he's a wonderful person otherwise, don't hold it against him.

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