Men who look at other women - I need help understanding.....

I've read a million questions and answers on this topic but I need answers more specifically tailored to my scenario.

My fiance took me up to Cape Cod to propose to me. One night, we were about to exit our hotel room (he was in the hallway while I was headed out)--and I watched his eyes follow something up and down. When I came out, I realized he was gawking (mouth open) at another woman's butt (he admitted to this.) Not even three hours later, he proposed to me. That is the start of this whole mess.

Since then, I always catch him looking at women. He doesn't exactly seem to stare, but it's hard for me to tell how long he's been looking. We've talked about this and he's tried to explain to me that it isn't sexual and that it is the same thing if he were to notice a fat person, or a deformity, or an attractive man or woman. He says it's all the same to him. ...which I don't believe at all. If he were simply noticing a woman was attractive, I wouldn't care. But I always catch him looking at her butt or her breasts...and when I try to be tricky and ask him later on what he thought of what he saw, he always says he liked it. So he's obviously doing this on purpose and thinking about it...right?

It's giving me very low self esteem and our relationship has slowly been deteriorating because of this. I'm very sensitive and watching him look at another woman, especially the night he decides to propose...it's just really taking it's toll on me. I don't do it to him, honestly..and I feel I deserve the same level of respect.

But I am arguing with myself because I've read a million times that it is just something a man can't help. But how? If a man really, truly loves a woman and thinks she's beautiful...then how can he not help looking at other women? And why would he want to?

I'm very open minded when it comes to sex, and I have and will try anything. My fiance knows this and I know he is definitely not bored of our sex life. So what is the reasoning for this?

When I try to ask him...his answers never make sense and always seem to conflict each other. I know I'm attractive to some degree..I've done a bit of modeling, and I'm in great shape with large breasts..(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I just keep wondering why I'm not good enough.

And when a man looks at another woman and is in a committed relationship that has no other issues, what does it mean? And what is the thought process? Are you picturing her naked, or want to sleep with her, or imagining sleeping with her? Or is it simply just an observation?

And also, what do I do about this? I can't force him to stop, but yet it hurts me to stay with him and feel this way..so what can I do to get through this? It seems as if something so small has turned huge and I don't know what to do. It's like, I can't make him stop, but I can't make myself stop hurting over it. Is there another option?

Also- what is your take on him not only noticing a woman is attractive, but also noticing her breasts and butt?

 

What's Your Opinion?

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What Girls Said 33

What Guys Said 71

  • 21d

    Men like looking at other women like women enjoy looking at other houses. You might live in a super nice house, but you still like to look--not necessarily because you want to buy another house, but just because you like to look.
    But unlike a house, women have feelings. Your guy should man-up a bit and not be so obvious when he's with you. Save the ogling, drooling and other comments for when he's out with his buddies.

  • because he's a jerk.

  • Men do this all the time no matter if they are single or not honestly. I see guys checking me out while they are with their wife or girlfriend. Yes I have big breast and a big butt and a small waist but its not like I go around showing off my assets. I don't think he is doing it on purpose, its more of the fact that he can't help that he's a guy and whatever these women have has attracted him. Seems like he just want to have sex with them, its like lust. Answer mine? link

    Oh and you can't make him stop so I suggest you take marriage counseling and having big breast doesn't just make you attractive, you have to have a pretty face, good attitude, nice hair and a nice body. What he's looking at you may not have, perhaps they seem more easy going

  • Pssssh. Even I notice a women who has an amazing butt and breasts. And hell, I'll stare for way too long HAHA. I will do the same thing with sexy men. It's not a big deal, as humans we like to appreciate beautiful things. Sure, sometimes I'll fantasize about someone I've seen, but can you really hold that against someone? Your feelings are okay, you're just a more jealous person, and probably slightly insecure, but you are being COMPLETELY irrational. Your fiance? has a wandering eye, and maybe he has been guilty of letting his mind wander to fantasies, but you are being completely irrational.


    Are you also opposed to him watching p*rn? You say you're open minded about sex, but you're uptight about your fiance IMAGINING sex with other women.


    Honestly, you need to change your mindset on these things. That's the only way for you to get over it, and you HAVE to get over it. It's not fair for you to want to control someone so much that they aren't even allowed to think about another person in a sexual manner (and NO, he probably isn't doing this EVERYTIME), even if you say you're not forcing him to stop, you are pretty much doing that by making such a big deal of it. If he isn't cheating on you, you should NOT be so upset. If your relationship is hurting because of this, the only person you can blame is yourself for being so childish and for making your fiance feel like he is guilty of something. If anything, you should apologize for being so ridiculous.

    • You also mentioned you can't help but feel like you're not enough for him, because he has to think about other women. But guess what? HE PROPOSED MARRIAGE TO YOU. He obviously wants you, and he obviously is saying he doesn't want anyone else. So, you need to think very hard about why you are sabotaging this relationship. If the only issue is his wandering eye, you really, really need to consider that there is something deeper making you do this.

  • please don't take it personally, men appreciate beauty/shape where they see it. they're programmed to look, they can help HOW they look but not IF. it's entirely natural for him to be drawn to something other than what he has - doesn't mean he prefers the other women or that he wants them - he proposed to you after all. but honestly he can't help what his body and eyes are drawn to and it's a far better idea for us (as girlfriends) to accept it, not to feel personally inferior because of it - he doesn't look because you're not attractive enough. far from it, it's exciting for him but he's got you to play with later - let him look and keep him hooked.


    sometimes if I've noticed my man looking elsewhere I'll mention it while we're f***ing and make sure he knows he's getting punished for his behavior - he can look but he only gets to f*** me with his body and brain - his eyes don't matter so much.

  • WELL, my man does the same thing, he started checking out women in front of me for the first time ever while I was pregnant. I would bring it up to him and tell him how it makes me feel and he just says, I wasn’t doing anything, I don’t know what your talking about. So the last time I saw him doing it he was staring (for awhile) at the neighbor bending over in tiny shorts with her huge body builder husband next to her, so I yelled, THAT IS ONE NICE ASS YOUR LOOKING AT HONEY! He turned and said what? So I thought I must not have said it loud enough, so I said it again even louder, THAT IS ONE NICE ASS YOUR LOOKING AT! He looked at me and looked at her husband and he looked scared. Never did it again! LOL I am a bitch but that’s what you have to do, or they will walk all over you..

  • I've seem my guy look at other girls before and honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's hard not to admire an attractive person when they go by and he's only human, after all. What you need to consider is this: why does it bother you? Do you not trust him? <- If you don't that's a good reason to consider if you should be with him at all. Or does it make you feel insecure? <- If this is the reason then you need to remember that he's with you for a reason. He thinks that girl is sexy, but maybe he finds you sexier. He thinks she's sexy, but he loves you. Whatever the case, he wouldn't be with you and he certainly wouldn't have proposed to you if he didn't think you were the best.

    Also, don't tell me you don't admire other men. Everyone does it. I think my guy's hot but there are plenty of other catches out there. I'd never cheat on him with any of them, but it's nice to look.

  • It may seem weird but I even look at really pretty girls sometimes, same as I look at hott guys or a cute puppy, its just human nature imo...

  • oh my god this question has been on my mind FOREVER...I am in a very similar situation

  • well all guys do it my man does it I think its OK too look as long as they don't touch or flirt with the girl.i wouldn't worry about it guys do so many things that we will never understand.

  • Men are visual. I think it is okay for my husband to look at other women. I don't mind it. I look at a beautiful attractive women. It is human nature. I would work on being more confident in your own looks. It is human nature for people to be attracted to people. It doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you or love you any different.

  • sorry- I didn't read the details of your question. But I will answer it anyways, why men look at other women?

    Women are beautiful, as humans we are attracted to beautiful things. I am a women and I appreciate other women's beauty, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Men do the same thing, and probally fantasize a little, but that's all it is.

    It's unattractive to get insecure or jealous by another woman's beauty. You don't have to fake not being insecure, but try appreciating the way others look. That type of outlook will lead to happiness, true confidence and healthy relationships:)

  • it's called window shopping. chicks do this too. you can't honestly say you've never stared at different parts of a good looking man before, even if you had a steady, satisfied relationship.


    or maybe it's just me? but whatever. point is, I'm not going to go out and cheat on my guy and I'm not going to masturbate to the thought of another guy.


    it's just window shopping...lookie but no touch, you know?

  • It never bothered me when my boyfriend checks out other girls. I don't even care if they flirt them a little. It's healthy, and I don't see a problem with it at all.

  • "...but also noticing her breasts and butt?"

    because he's a man. those are the 2 parts of a woman that most man are interested in

  • Men are physical creatures. apparence is what the notice first. and any attractice women will get looked at. any women with big bouncy boobs will get looked at and chick with a bubble butt and wide hips will get looked at. doesn't means he's gonna leave you and that he doesn't love you any more or that he's not attracted to you cause trust me if he wasn't you whouldnt have the ring on your finger

  • thank you for asking this question it is very interesting.

  • I can understand your point, but I'm not sure why your letting it bother you so much...he wants to marry you girl! =) Don't let something so little get in between yall...It doesn't mean anything, and has nothing to do with YOU...or your looks. EVERYONE looks...I look at guys and girls! No I'm not gay, but you can't help but look at a girl who has a nice body & just because I check out another guy it doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend any less or that I wanna go home with the guy! Its just natural to look at people, no matter what they look like! Best Wishes!



  • That sounds more like a not-so-serious relationship. :/

    The guy I'm with doesn't look at other women. I don't look at other men. It's more like a 'if you won't, then I shouldn't either' type of thing.

    I also remember my parents and I going out to eat not too long ago. I've never noticed my mother or father looking at other people unless it was the waiter so they could order. I've even been to the beach and neither of them look. Neither does the man I'm with.

    Yet, I see some of my friends and thier mate, and the man is gawkin' all over the place. Some even comment on other women. By the way, it doesn't last too long.


    If you guys are getting married, you should be at the point where it doesn't happen.. Especially if you're as pretty as you are. If he wants to think, let him do it silently and if he knows he's hurting you, but he doesn't care, I think you should have a serious talk with him. It's really ignorant, you know?

  • If he is looking at their breasts and butts, it's totally sexual. He just doesn't want to admit that because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I am very concerned about him doing this (blatantly) on the night he proposed to you. It sounds like he isn't too ready to settle down and get married if he's ogling other women, and lying to you about it. I don't care what guys may tell you. While it's normal to notice that somebody else is attractive, it's not normal to be staring and lusting after their bodies when they are spending time with you. It's disrespectful, and then to lie to you? I can tell from your picture that you are a beautiful woman, and you sound like you are intelligent and fun-loving. I would tell you to tell him how it makes you feel, and if he loved you, he would stop, but since he's denying it altogether, I don't know. I know many guys that would be thrilled to date someone like you, and they are respectful. If I were in that position, I would hold off on the wedding until you are more certain that this is the kind of guy you want.

    • How many guys care about the purse a woman is carrying? What non-sexual thing should he look at? Her earrings? The lobes of her ears? Is every guy out there supposed to think he's better looking than George Clooney as to not feel badly that his girlfriend might not like him?

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    Okay, well, let's see. If he were t do this OCCASIONALLY, that'd be perfectly naturally. Just a quick glance at an attractive person would do no harm. Just as he should be open with you taking the occasionally look once in a while at a particularly attractive man; there's no harm in that. Now, what you're describing is different. It sounds like he's doing this frequently, meaning it's gone beyond the occasional glance. This means one of 3 things:
    1.) He doesn't respect you for sh*t
    2.) He feels pressured that in being in a committed relationship, he's never feel "like a man" again, like a free bachelor, and so instead of cheating on his spouse, he rationalizes that it's okay to simply look at women.
    3.) He has a psychological issue in general.

    So, looking at those options, pick which one you think it is. If he doesn't respect you for sh*t, dump him. If it's 1 or 2, talk to him about it, and maybe convince him to get counseling for it. Now, I know what you're thinking, to most men the mere mention of "counseling" is a death sentence, but hear me out. Try to coax him into, tell him it's bonding as a couple to be even closer, not a session for yelling at each other. I think he should appreciate that just fine.

    • If he is discreet about it, that sounds perfectly normal and you may be a bit sensitive to it. I check out other girls even when I'm holding my wifes hand. Females are very attractive, but I will never cheat on my wife, I take my commitment to her seriously and would not ruin her trust for me or hurt her.

    • I appreciate your honesty, but I wouldn't go that far. He is a respectable person. When I notice, it isn't like he's being entirely rude. He's not obnoxious about it to the point where the woman would even notice. I'm just trying to figure out what it all means.

  • just because we stare at other girls doesn't mean we like them or will be in love with them. you want a guy who likes you for you.

  • Give the poor guy a break. We are hunters by nature. did you ever see what a bird dog does when it see's a bird, it points...leg up and all. Guys are like pointers, When we see a hot lady we point. I try to be discreet around my wife so she doesn't catch me that often, but she does catch me from time to time. Tell your boyfriend that it bothers you and not to do it in front of you. We can't stop, it's a normal male reaction. As long as we're not cheating on you, be reasonable, be understanding, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We are different. He's warm and you're cold while driving I the car, we're just different. The day I stop looking will clearly be the day that the coffin closes over me... I bet he's the same way. Not what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth. do I fantasize about sleeping with them, yeah sometimes, do I, NO... Do I think about them 5 minutes after I see them, nope. We're pointers! LOL

  • We are hardwired to notice women and their sexuality. It is instinct. Our eyes do this automatically. Choosing to keep staring is another thing. Choosing to act on what we see is quite another thing.


    It seems unlikely that when a woman is happily partnered she will suddenly become blind to all men's attractiveness. My guess is it is much the same for women.

  • He's not considerate of your feelings. He sure may be telling the truth when he says that it's not personal but fact is, it bothers you. He should take that into consideration if it's something he is willing to stop doing for you. I have been in 3 serious relationships. My 1st love, I showed her the respect that I received. 2nd relationship was not ast strong and I did keep my "options" open... 3rd. was very strong and again I showed respect.

  • i don't see the big deal. yeah he enjoys looking at attractive women, he's lying about that to probably shut you up about it and make you feel better. its just sexual though, no emotions at all. he loves you, he respects you, he has warm feelings when he's with you. he doesn't have any of that towards these women. just lust. its different than how a women feels lust I guess. there's really no emotion.

  • Didnt read most of it just too much. but to answer the main question, guys look at a girl with a nice figure like looking at art or a sports car lets say. Its something that catches the eye we look appreciate it and move on. There is no emotion there for that girl, no wanting to go and cheat on you. Just to look and think "nice".

    • "Not all guys who cheat check out other women."


      Oops! I meant to say "Not all guys who check out other women cheat."

    • Usually affairs begin with "a look" where it starts a guy will just be checking out another girl. Then, after awhile, it gets escalated - the guy acts out on his disires. Not all guys who cheat check out other women. But I'm willing to bet that every man who does cheat started out by gawking at other women while in a relationship.


      Besides, when you're in a relationship with a woman as pretty as Shaylene, why would you be looking at other women? It simply makes no sense.

  • i didn't read most of your question because its way too long and asking way too much for a stranger to read all that.


    Theres nothing wrong however with a guy noticing other attractive females.

    All men are naturally gonna notice attractive women and even if your a fantastic hot girlfriend/wife its not like that instinctual wiring in our brains will shutoff. Just be happy that he's with you at the end of the day. Know that those girls are jealous and envious of you. They might even be trying to display their ass or breasts to him simply because your with him and girls always want what other girls have. (which is along the lines of, they know if he has an attractive girl like you at his side that he must be good).


    Do you ever talk to other men in a very friendly way? Cause if you do I bet he would be jealous in the same exact way.

  • people are bound to look at anything that stands out, if I come yelling "omg look at that baby with a D1ck on its forehead" you are going to say where where looking around. and this baby isn't even there, so what do you think will happen when an outstandingly attractive woman passes by ?

    • thats subjective

    • It's one thing to have your attention drawn for a moment to something that stands out. It's another thing to keep staring when you know you should be looking away.

  • Did you two break up or stay together?

    • That's what I want to know. You should have dropped the ring on the floor and walked away at that moment he admitted to drooling at another girl's ass.

  • Seriously why wouldn't you look?


    When you drive down the road don't you view the cars around you? don't you look at the world around you as you take a walk? It would be rude not to look at someone as they walk by. unlike most people I enjoy knowing what's going on around me.


    If I'm sitting at a table in the mall with my Girlfriend and a woman walks by I will look. What's the point of not looking? I've already seen part of her body and the rest of me is wondering what does she look like. Do I know her? is it someone I know? What colors are she wearing?


    Seriously stop being a shallow B*&^%& and let people enjoy design. you can't atain a sense of fashion if you can't view people around you.

  • Well, from my perspective, when a guy really loves someone and is about to ask them to marry them, he's got nothing, and I mean NOTHING else on his mind. He's nervous as hell, and has blinders on to the situation at hand, will I f*ck up asking her and will she say no. I don't know this guy or his personality, but sounds like he already new what your answer would be or that he could ask you anytime he wanted and you would say yes to it. Also, if he knows this, then he wasn't worried about you loving him, no matter what he does. But, he on a subconscious level, knows that if he looses you or hurts you, it won't be good for him or else he wouldn't lie about what he does. He probably does love you, just love women in general. But, always bringing it up and hounding him about what he does and obsessing about it will drive him away because then you're getting annoying (sorry, came out harsh), but that's the truth. It starts to make you look like you don't have self-confidence and that's not a turn on to anyone. Especially if the person has a lot of self-confidence. You have to tell him how it made you feel that night. Like it made you feel like you weren't important to him and that's why you have self doubt about when he's always looking at other women. Has he shown that he is liking other women or if he get's close to other women, then that's another issue and shows he isn't into you and wants to maybe pursue others. But, if he still treats you like you're the most important person in his world (and you now how he does this better than anyone), then it's probably just he likes to look at women and admire the female body. There isn't just 1 hot girl in the world you know. Especially how women dress now a-days. It's hard for a guy to keep his head in one spot all the time. You're wearing sweats and a t-shirt and then a stunner comes by in heels, mini, tight jeans, cleavage all over, etc. What do you expect? As long as he's not straining his neck holding your hand. That's just disrespect. Just talk to him seriously, without accusations and see where his head's at.

  • You need to relax a bit. If you want to understand how men feel about women and why they look...think about Leonardo Da Vinci or other great artists who appreciate the beauty of the female form. Is it wrong or cheating to walk around a gallery of paintings and stop and look at them and appreciate sculptures for their beauty? Does appreciating one things beauty detract from another things beauty? No it doesn't. There is no reason to be jealous of the fact that he can appreciate beauty, because...he used those same eyes to appreciate you...and he chose you and is with you...and wants to marry you. Making something as small as taking a glance at another girl a big thing like you have seems like you have become obsessed with the idea that his action of just looking at something else is a detraction from you...in one excerpt you said you had just left the hotel room where he likely was all hands...did he put his hands on these other women? certainly not. he alone shows you his love through his touch, but it seems you want more...you want to contrl and dictate his mind his thoughts and his eyes...they should all be about you at all times right? its too much...no man can answer to that...if you become possessive on a controling level you will smother him...if you confront him and fight with him about little things like him just even looking at another girl--you may someday push him away so hard that he will consider cheating--and why not--thats what you are accusing him of right now, and he isnot doing anything...if you're gonna do the time...at some point...youre gonna do the crime. I hope you're understanding where I am coming from, because in truth, you do the exact same thing...n fact, you probably encouraged this action in him...you ever sit around watching a movie talking about how hot a movie star is? "Oh Channing Tatums SO muscular!" or "Patrick Swayze is hot!" or "look at his abs!" Women talk about and eye-f*** guys all the time, and they think its okay, yet when their guy does it back...suddenly there's a hypocrisy., and a beautiful load of double-standards comes pouring out. Id say just relax, stop trying to control his very eyes. Just let it go, because looking at a painting, appreciating its beauty---is NOT taking it down off the wall and bringing it home...and as long as he isn't bringing home other women or cheating on you...you have nothing to be upset about. Eyecandy will always be out there for both sexes...to say you don't look is just delusional or lying. everybody looks. just don't look and then go over and talk to them..because that is going to far. he isn't going over and talking to them...which shows he respects what you and he have..its not like he is running around buying rings and proposing to all those other hotties. and yeah...i saw your picture, you're super hot...cant believe I'm even having this conversation with a woman of you're extreme calibur of beauty. chill out. he's all yours.

  • you stare others to evaluate...beauty, symetry,...

  • Men will always stare, even if he has the most beautiful woman in the world.


    If you own a car you think is awesome, your going to look at an appreciate other cars that look almost as cool, just to reinforce the fact yours is the best.


    Same goes for women.

    Yes I compared women to a car.


    Men do it to reinforce what they have is what they wanted. And constantly do it. Its primal men can't control it.

  • lol what's funny is I do this all the time! my girlfriend checks out guys and it almost got to me one day; then I realized I check out women all the time. its not like he wants them more than you its just something we do. its like looking at fireworks not turning us on at all.



    if anything I compare what I'm looking at to my girlfriend's' and she wins 9/10 so let him look.


    you can't be so insecure or else this will end your relationship.

    its not like he talked to her, or made out with her or even touched her. he's a man who like myself, appreciates a women's beauty and if he's with you, guess what?


    ...he appreciates your beauty way more than anyone else :D


  • Simple answer. Men are biologically wired to check out women. It doesn't mean ANYTHING. Absolutely and utterly nothing. Don't worry about it at all. This has NOTHING to do with how attractive he considers you. He shouldn't gawk with his mouth open with you, but you really have to understand that if a guy checks out another girl, he is simply noticing her, it doesn't mean that he is disrespecting you or wants to run away with the other girl. He is NOT doing it because he doesn't love you or consider you attractive. He does, it sounds like he loves you very much.


    Women read romance novels and fantasize about men in these novels. Does this mean that they are going to dump their boyfriend or husband? In the vast majority of cases no. What you have to understand is just like women get aroused by reading romance novels, men get aroused simply by looking at women. We don't need a plot and a story. And just because we notice someone, that does not mean we are going to run away with them by a long shot.

  • The breasts and butt part seem sexual to me, but if he has never cheated on you, and doesn't act suspicious about that kinda stuff. I think you should just try to forget about it otherwise you will end up pushing him away and wondering more about the other women with the butts and breasts and he will eventually cheat. I think as you put it is just an observation. However the more you harp on about it to him, the more you make him reflect back on the breast or butts he saw early that day, that he had probably forgotten about until you mentioned it. So you only gonna reinstall that picture/memory he had of her which will inevitably lead to fantasy, fantasy that any heterosexual man will act upon. As you said he's not bored of the sex life you both share. So let it go, before its too late. :) hope it works out for you two.

  • My girlfriend and I went through something very similar to this only even worse because it was one girl specifically. It got really bad until finally we both (she led the way) realized I was still with her and loved her and any other girls are just objects. Just because he loves you doesn't mean other girls aren't sexy and we finally decided that in the end it only hurts because she allowed it. So we are going with a new trust and openness style relationship. If you love him you love him how he is... like you said you can't change him.

    and as a side note, after she gave me the openess our problem has vanished and I completely an not even attracted to this other girl anymore. It was perfect.

  • Guys are different than gals. We have different needs. It is my experience that for a guy to look fulfills the similar need that gals have to chat about guys. They both form a basis for jealousy, but both are important to the health of our society. Unfortunately, guys are not permitted to object to female gossip.


    I tend to look at women that I prefer not to sleep with. What I am saying, no matter how satisfied your fiancé is with you in bed, it will not satisfy his need to look. I do know men who go without looking and I see how badly this messes them up in the long run. They become kind of stunted, mentally.

  • Like others have said, evolution has made it so that men have a stronger sex drive, and are faster aroused by visual stimuli. This is because the men who had a strong instinct to have sex with many women were the ones who spread their genes the most.


    I read a study about life in the Stone Age that said that it is possible the normal household was a harem, with the strongest man in the valley taking most of the women.


    Women, by contrast, can only have a few children in their lives, so they developed the instinct to be careful and wait for the best possible man, with good genes, who would also stay and provide for their offspring. That is also why women get angry at other women who sleep around: they take away the one means women instinctively used to catch a man, the "cost" for sex.


    HOWEVER. Your boyfriend is a thinking creature and he should not go gawking at other women when he is with you. It is rude to you. It is embarrassing if people notice. Not all guys do this.


    If he can't understand that, then he is stupid.

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