I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and from the minute I met him I had this feeling he was "the one". He has so many great qualities including being really hard working, responsible, great leadership qualities etc. and everyone seems to like him.
The problem is that he is really, really legitimately busy all the time and while I was OK with his busyness initially, I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. He works most weekends as a paramedic (12 hour shifts) and is also in school full time. Any weekends he's not working he is getting caught up on assignments.
I work a normal 9-5, Monday to Friday job ..so I often find myself sitting at home during the evening or on weekends, waiting for him to text or call to see if he can fit me into his schedule. I will often purposely try not to make plans with other people just in case he's able to find some time to hang out with me which makes me feel so pathetic when he doesn't call. I feel really hurt by it..and then comes guilt because I feel like I'm being selfish, wanting to hang out with him when he is so busy.
I should also mention that we never make plans in advance just in case he has to do schoolwork or gets called in for an extra shift at work. I think the furthest we've ever planned anything in advance was the day before..usually he texts me about an hour before he can hang out. It makes me feel like I'm not much of a priority..plus I feel like maybe I'm being "too available". =(
When we're together he talks about spending the rest of his life with me. He's already talked about marrying me, having kids and a future together. I don't think he's leading me on because he also talks about these things in front of other people, including his own parents.
I totally understand that school needs to be his priority right now and that he needs to work to pay for school..but is it wrong for me to want to be somewhat of a priority as well? Is it OK for me to speak up to him and tell him that he needs to set some time apart for "us" or does that make me sound too needy? I know guys get really focused on goals but does that make them forget their girlfriend has feelings too? He's under a lot of stress right now as you can imagine and I don't want to add to it. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible but it's killing me inside. Help!
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I think I had about 20 approaches to this, but I think I came to one that I feel may be the right one in this case. So here it goes.
You feel strong for him, and he obviously feels it back for you since he's thinking about big stuff in life. I think this is a time where he really needs you the most. Even if you're not there with him physically, I'm sure he thinks about you. The issue, as you have stated is that he is busy working and studying. I'm sure you are a priority, but lets be realistic... you can't earn him a degree. I'm not going to say that you're selfish. In a relationship its only natural to want to be with the person you love more often. And I think you're just at a point where its a test of faith and true commitment. This will take time, but eventually he'll be done with his studies and things can settle down. Its not to say he still won't be busy as a paramedic and such, but I'm sure he'll have much more time for you. If anything, he probably sees it as a blessing that you're so available for him. Also, be happy that he's like this at the moment. Many people don't take these years in life seriously. He realizes he only gets one shot at college for things to go "perfect" without allowing further obstacles get in his way and push him behind a year or two. Many people would rather party and mix their priorities while not achieving their goals. This tells me that he's a very responsible person, and as such, I think in the future he'd be a responsible husband and father. Just be patient.
Have you considered how he feels? Maybe its simply his determination to get through this obstacle in his life (school) that keeps him going through with it, but he may be just as devastated as you are, feeling like crap that he can't give you the attention that he really wants. Think about the times that you do see each other and such... I'd assume that they're great times where both of you treasure the moments, no? I typically say to people, yes, go for it! Speak out your mind and let him know! But if this is the case, this may be one of the few times that I'd discourage it. It would start making second guess the relationship with negativity, it would give him more stress and do the same, and it could lead to a disaster if not handled carefully. If anything, just vent to friends. Leave free time open for him, but also make time for other friends, so that you can still enjoy life and such.4