I'm a pushover, doormat, advice?

My boyfriend of 5/6 months told me yesterday that he wants me to make him work harder in our relationship. He said that if we ever fight or disagree, he knows he doesn't have to make the effort because I will always back down and come running back first (which is true).

His sentiments were surprisingly sweet. He told me that he knows he is making work for himself but he doesn't want to take me for granted and wants to value me more.

I feel that even though I would back down from a fight first (anything for an easy life eh?), he still makes considerable effort in our relationship so I don't understand exactly what he is trying to get at.

I find myself second guessing any text message and when returning calls I wonder if I should just leave it to appear less "available". I don't want to play games with him and he assured me he doesn't want that either. Confused and unsure how to do what he is asking.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • weird, I thought girls love being submissive, letting their boyfriend walk all over them, girls want the guy to be the dominant one all the time

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    • i think you misred the question. the QA is submissive but her Boyfriend doesn't want her to be such a doormat

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    • not true. I broke up with my boyfriend because I had to do everything! he was so submissive. when I asked him what movie he wanted to see, he would always say whatever I wanted was fine with him. the same thing went for where we ate, what we did for dates, etc. he also never talked to me about anything at all because he was too afraid of getting into an agrument or upsetting me. I broke up with him because he didn't stick up for himself

    • guys get tired of ding everything like that too what you say

What Guys Said 4

  • I think its admirable he would be so upfront with you. Should show you that he is thinking long term, and genuinely cares about your feelings and is involved for all the right reasons. Id take the advise to heart, and see where in your life you can be more assertive. It could be something as simple as pursuing a goal you set for yourself...a monetary goal, a workout goal, a goal at work, and letting him know about it. I think what it means is he wants you to live up to your full potential and not lose yourself for the sake of a relationship

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  • Be available and be yourself... But I would tell him that you will be planning at least one night out and follow through. A place you want to go and stick to it. Also if a man ask you where you would like to eat ladies please... Have a freaking opionion! You may want to try this at the start because he cares and is encouraging it. Sounds like he loves you to me.

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  • Appearing less available is lame and can be spotted easily. Be unavailable if you want but don't pretend.

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  • a relationship with someone should not have to include hard games. find a guy that appreciates your patience and understanding ways. it is nice to be someone who doesn't like to argue. life is short. have fun and make love not arguments!

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What Girls Said 3

  • i understand where your boyfriend is coming from. its frusturating when one person in the relationship is so submissive to the point where they can't seem to stand up for themselves. I've been there myself. (although it was the guy who was submissive, not me.) I tried to get him to stick up for himself, but he never changed, so eventually I just got so fed up with do everything in the relationship, so I had to end it. All you have to do is start voicing your opinion. you don't need to be demanding, or try to take over, but you do need to stick up for yourself, and not back down so easily. on th other hand, don't keep an argument going because you want to 'win' it. its a fine balance.

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  • There are 2 books out called why men love bitches and why men marry bitches. Get them. They will just give you a little confidence boost and also make you feel much better within yourself. They come in handy I'll tell you that. The first one tells you how not to be a doormat and its really useful. It came in handy to me after several failed dating experiences lol

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    • I read that book twice and still didn't get it. In order for someone to change, they have to genuinely want to. Sometimes being something you're not like a good girl to a bad girl doesn't pay because men want to love women who are themselves; not someone perfect who they in turn may hate 'cause it's too good to be true.

  • im in your boyfriends shoes, its just like if he feels like he can do anything and get away with it, he'll keep doing it - just because you let him. You have to stand up for yourself if you find yourself in a disagreement

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    • Yeah I know what you mean. If we disagree about something or he's in the wrong I make it clear I'm unhappy or whatever. It's just that I will always give in first. My concern comes with the fact that I don't want to be playing games in a relationship.

    • well it seems like you have been standing up for yourself, you just have to make it clear that you have to give and take in a relationship, and he should realize when there should be a time to compromise - because obviously he is not budging at all

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