Emotionally invested?

Divorced. Late 30's. He's separated from wife 2 years. Also late 30's.

Text, talk frequently etc. He does "hope" for his wife to come back to reunite family (they have 2 kids). I have 2 kids. Divorced 3 years.

He's not sure about how he feels about her anymore. He said he is holding back with me because he could fall "head over heels". That was in January.

Noticed he's still online dating sites. Not a big issue since I see him frequently.

As of late he has become slightly less communicative. I asked if I was texting too much - you know, he might be busy. He said no because if he's busy, he'll answer when he can. Fine.

I'm feeling odd about this. I realize the ramifications of seeing someone who is still wanting his family back. While I realize that I went into this taking that chance, I can't help but feel emotionally attached.

There are more times than not that he seems to be of that mindset as well. Certain things he says, gestures he uses, the happiness to see me (and, yes, just for coffee a good part of the time).

At one point, in his roller coaster, he mentioned sometimes just wanting his space. I think, "god, you are separated, have the kids half the time, how much more space do you want?" Remember, I am thinking but not out loud...

He talks about how we should just go somewhere for the weekend for something to do before it gets busy.

He talks about me meetings the kids - because it will happen someday anyway...then somehow that doesn't happen and I've come to anticipate his mind changing.

I'm OK for the most part with this but I find myself pursuing his FB way too much and obsessing on communicating with him way too much. I seem to be looking for possibility of other women. Relieved when I don't.

Yes, I'm insecure about this one. He mentioned that he is scared of getting hurt again. He had never been more hurt in his life as when she left him with virtually no explanation and none to this date.

Life-altering conversations one call or during a weekend and then nothing for days. Just regular chit-chat.

Is he getting more comfortable with me? He has always been clear on his "f$%#d up" feelings and hates not being able to pick a way. I'm there for him because is a good man but a hurt one.

Before we had sex/made love/I don't know what, he rubbed my shoulders and just kissed me once in a while. Then he just said, "oh god, you're beautiful".

Tonight I had something to tell him and said I would phone in a bit. 15 minutes went by and he texted saying 'well, I'm gonna go to bed now. Have to be up at 6". I said, that was OK and talk tomorrow? He said, "yea OK".

I spend Sat afternoon with him, helping him fix things. Great time. Watched movie after etc. ALL GOOD!

So, I don't see friends with benefits here. I see emotionally investment here on both sides so what is going on and what do I do about it short of severing something that I think is worthwhile working on?

Updates:
should have been under "relationships".


Do I back off and wait for him to miss me?

Do I carry on the same way?

Is he scared of his feelings for me and pulling away?

Or is he just damn well busy? lol


He did question once why I slowed down on texting. I answered because I thought it was too much. He said no he liked to hear from me. But texts from him are wicked slow coming back.


Does he think I'M distancing myself - sort of as a protective thing
Oh yeah, he's given her until spring to pick a way - divorce or not. I assume that's weighing heavily on his mind.


He keeps saying that the "perfect person" (me) is standing right in front of me and I can't seem to do anything about it.


Thx.
Apparently he asked her to "pick a way already".


She opted for the divorce.


He says that he feels relieved and can get on with his life now. Today he said that he has certainly gotten attached to me. Do you suppose that comment was precipated by the fact that he is not waiting for an answer from her anymore? While I think there will be on and off times (because divorce is hard in general) do you think he will finally give in to his feelings for me now?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This is a real problem issue. There is more than just you and him in this equation, and that means taking even more time. Sometimes family take president over love,and that he is finally setting an ultimatum date could show that he is ready to move on with you. I know it hurts to be in this holding-pattern, but when dealing with marriage and kids, time is needed. So just hold on until that spring date he set (and maybe a week or 3 after it), to see what happens. After that, give him an ultimatum, and then decide what is best for YOU AND YOUR KIDS

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    Good Luck!

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    • Thank you very much for replying. Yes, I was wondering if that would be the way to go.

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What Girls Said 1

  • he's using you. you're falling for it. get a grip, get your self respect back, move on and get yourself a good man.

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    • Thank you for replying.

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