Guys, what is your need to have your woman financially dependent on you?

To have your woman financially dependent on you?!? What is so wrong with a woman being able to make it on her own without your help? Why do you feel so threatened?

Here's the deal: My husband is having a hard time with the fact that I now have a job. He's been deployed almost 5 months, and I recently got a job. The past year I have been completely and totally dependent on him. While we were dating, I made it just fine on my own. I never needed his help financially. Now that I'm working, I told him that I would make the car payments, bills, and groceries on my own and he could save all his money. Today we got into an argument about money. First it was "I'll pay for the car payments, you just pay the bills and then spend the rest of your money on whatever you want." When I got home from work, I had a message on my answering machine (my phone died in the middle of an argument.I think that was a sign from God lol!) him saying "Put ALL the bills and car payments on my account as an allotment and just spend your money on whatever you want". He wasn't being mean or sarcastic. When we were arguing, I told him not to worry about me money-wise, I'd be fine. He threatened to change his account and bank and said "we'll see if you can really make it on your own then". He knows I could because I'm doing it now. Why did he start changing it from just he car payments, to all the bills? Is it maybe some kind of control? Like I can't leave him because he's paying my bills? Or the fact that he WANTS me to be dependent on him and me becoming independent while he's deployed is making him nervous. He's always been very respectful and sweet to me, but lately there's a control issue starting with him. He knows I don't take that shit from him, he tried when we first got married over a year ago and I let him know that NO ONE controls me. He got over it, but this past month ever since I have been working, it's started up again. I'm at a loss of what to do. Why do men feel such a need to have control and make their women so dependent on them? What do you get out of it?

Updates:
So, we talked it all out today. Settled on MANY things that were bothering us both. Decided to split the bills in half. He pays for the car and cable and I pay for the cell phone and fence (yeah we have to rent a fence on post).

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well it goes back to the thought of men are supposed to be the ones who make the money and women are supposed to take care of the house, but in today society, that has changed, some men feel bad if there wife is making the money and he isnt, its a role reversal, but me personally I could care less if she makes more money than me, I know lots of guys whose wife makes more than then, either by inheritance or just because well they have a better job, it really shouldn't matter, if your splitting everything down the middle as in his money is her money and her money is his money if your married. I can almost guarantee you that the woman I will marry will make more money than me and I am cool with that if you put both salaries together it shouldn't matter. I know a guy who married a wealthy woman and he was cool with it, she had a bad ass ranch and he now runs it as a big game ranch, and his advice to me was hey man marry a rich girl. Look at Johh Kerry as much as I dislike the guy, he married the woman who has the Heinz franchise and he will no way in hell make as much as her, but he doesn't care he makes good money too not as much as her but so what.

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What Guys Said 3

  • First of all, you can't assume all guys are like this. The way I see it, you can divide guys into 2 categories into this scenario: "Traditional" guys, who want to do things the way they were done in the "Hi Honey I'm Home-Where's Dinner?" days, and "modern" guys who see everything being equal. I fall into the "modern" type. Of course, I don't think my point of view would work in a marriage because the way I see it, even in marriage, "whats yours is yours and what's mine is mine." If you wanna pay for your stuff, go ahead. I'll pay for mine. Bills should be split 50/50.

    I think a big part of the mentality of the "traditional" guys comes from the fact that they believe women want to be treated like princesses who have their prince charming and be spoiled. They don't understand a lot of women aren't like that. Some people like the feeling of knowing they earned what they have and worked hard for it, and that is both men and women.

    Marriage should be a 50/50 split of responsibilities. Some people claim that women make up for not taking on financial responsibilities in "other ways" but the truth is that's total BS. Nothing a woman could do in a marriage would make up for the stress the guy would have to go thru if all the financial responsibilities rested solely on him. I think you're right for doing what you want, and if this becomes a more serious issue in the future its possible you might need to find yourself another husband, because your core beliefs about marriage clash. He's traditional, you're modern, and in his eyes you shouldn't be doing the things you want to be doing. That can put a huge strain on it.

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    • See, my husband being a Soldier, I just HATE the idea of not working because I feel he just works so hard! Being a stay at home wife/mom is NOT contributing to me! When we have kids, I plan on working again when their in school. He knows and agrees with me. He's ok with me having a job, he's the one who wanted me to get one in the first place (not that I didn't). Which is why I'm confused with his reaction.

  • For generations, centuries or even eons, women mostly raised children and for the most part stayed at home while men went out to hunt, forage, cultivate crops, or go to the factory. Sure, some women always did all these things but it was nearly always mostly men until VERY recently.

    It is only to be expected that a lot of men still follow these ideas even though we don't live in that sort of society any more. You can't expect old customs to just disappear because the society has recently changed.

    Don't get angry with him over this, but just try to reason with him and he will slowly come to accept things. But don't look for an overnight 'conversion.'

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  • I'm going to take a stab in the dark at this. He's deployed and you guys are separated. I don't see this as so much of a control issue as him being able to take care of you from a distance. Something along the lines of, I can't be there for you physically but I can be there for you financially. Now you're looking at taking that away from him. What has he got left to offer you from such a distance?

    I believe you're just making a kindly gesture to take care of some of the family bills because you're now able to do so. But, I think he may be feeling that (maybe in a stupid way) that you no longer need him. It's hard enough to be apart for such a long time without having to worry that your partner is separating from you; and this financial dependence as you call it, is a connection that you're severing.

    I don't think that this would have even become an issue if the separation wasn't there.

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    • Sounds bang-on to me.

    • Totally agree with that, was thinking of the same thing.

    • See, I wouldn't think it would be an issue either...seeing as he was the one who wanted me to get a job in the first place. But that totally makes sense.

What Girls Said 1

  • This seems weird. Times are tough, he should be happy you have a job. And not to be morbid, but if he's deployed as in Iraq, he should be glad that you can take care of yourself on your own. I don't understand guys clinging to an out-dated notion that women shouldn't work. Is he controlling in other ways? Does he try to make rules for you to follow, and get angry if you don't?

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    • No, which is why I'm so confused about this. He's never been controlling. He actually begged me to get a job so I would have something to do while he was deployed. I'm afraid some PTSD might be coming into play here.

    • That's really strange. I'm not sure what to make of it. I guess maybe he feels like you won't need him anymore if you make enough money. I'd try to let him know that you need him for other reasons, like emotional and physical ones.

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