Dating single moms...Why can't guys just be honest?

Why is it that a guy knowing that a girl has a daughter, will still hang out with her, take her out on dates, but then tell her he's to busy for a realationship (working 80 hrs a week) but then turn around and tell his buddies, it's because she has a kid, and we have different priorties. Why can't guys just be honest?

Updates:
No, he met me when I had my daughter, then when I asked him to hang out, he did, asked me to the movies, came over and watched movies, we played golf together all the time. So, he knew I had a daughter, we hung out for about 3 months, and all we ever did was just kiss.. It took him 6 dates to kiss me.. but then, once we got close.. he pushed away and told a mutual friend of ours, that it was because I had a daughter.
Then he should have said, listen, I think your a great girl, and we could be friends, but out priorties are a little different, I like to do this and that, and you are single mother and can't just do this and that whenever.. no hard feelings, but lying... not cool, then going to behind my back and saying that.. even worse. I'm the type of girl that would rather the truth that would draw a tear, than a lie that draws a smile!
I appreciate all the honesty.. I've dated guys, that have told me to my face, I respect that. I don't get mad,it its their life style choice. I've been "sing'e" going on 3 years, just because I have a daughter doesn't mean I can't have "adult" time and be 24, and date. She goes to her dads everyother weekend. I'm allowed that time, & she never is around guys.My question, was simply, why can't guys just be honest, girls too, but be honest. Who cares if it's going to hurt somes feelings!BE HONEST

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Most Helpful Guy

  • It took him 6 dates just to kiss you. Heh.

    I'm not necessarily speaking for him, so my guess is as good as anybodys. But I think he kept dating you because he REALLY did want you. Either for sex, or for a relationship. But sadly, he changed his mind because of your daughter. That delayed kiss made it clear that he wasn't sure if he wanted you or not - he had trouble deciding.

    Then he rejected you. Let me ask you this - does he have a child? Probably not. Single and looking. So how does this situation make it fair for him? He'll have to get along with your daughter to keep this relationship going. Don't get me wrong - there are guys out there who are willing to date single moms. They put their egos and dignity on the line to accept the situation. But there are other guys who don't feel it's right. Why is that? Because, no matter how you look at it, we ARE the 'replacement daddys'. Go ahead and argue with me about the kid already having a father. It doesn't matter, because the child will be part of the equation irregardless.

    Since he lied about 'not wanting a relationship', he was trying to let you down easy by putting the blame on him, not you. He didn't want to hurt your feelings. Girls do this all the time too - a guy asks them out, and they make up an excuse or they flake out with a bullsh*t reason, just so he's not upset. Why can't girls be honest? Oh, wait, yeah. Because of emotions.

    You want the truth? No, you don't. The truth usually hurts.

    Just get over it and keep looking.

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What Guys Said 15

  • Well, boys can't be honest - men can. He may have just been hoping to have a good time with you. And, he may have told you the truth, but told his friends something else to seem great to you both. Either way, he was not honest to himself, first of all, and it ended up hurting you, too.

    I'll be in the same arena as you shortly, except divorced with a daughter. I'd sure appreciate honesty from the girls, as well.

    And that great guy will find you and you will find him and all 3 (or even more of you, depending on his possible children) will have a joyous life.

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  • Well, you say "guys" when you're obviously talking about one specific guy. Stop generalizing, first of all. Not "all guys" are like that. You'd be just as upset if someone went on one date with you, told you to your face "I don't date chicks with kids" and took off.

    Having said that, I do think it sounds like he didn't treat you all that poorly. Sounds like he tried to make it owrk and when he couldn't get past the fact that you had a kid, he let you down easy. That, or he had no intention of dating you and you were seeing something that wasn't there, perhaps. Seems to me like you should just move on, at this point. There are plenty of guys out there that will date a woman with children - one of my best friends found her wonderful husband after two kids and a messy divorce, so it's possible.

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  • Here's the honest truth: We don't want to take care of some other man's mistake. We don't want to raise kids that are not our own.

    Also, when a woman has a kid, the kid comes first. The guy will always have to be second, an afterthought, If he dated a woman without kids, they could focus only on each other...

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  • You're right, guys aren't honest with single moms. We pretend to be interested but we'll back off if you aren't into one night stands...

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  • I don't know what that guy was thinking. Since I'm single with no kids I don't want to be with someone else who has kids. I just don't feel right raising someone else's kid. That's why you have to be careful who you have a child with. They are great blessings, but also a great hinderance to your love life, and if you can't satisfy your love life it'll be difficult to satisfy your child.

    I know for me, I wouldn't want to hang out with someone else's daughter because she's not my kid. I would tell her straight up as well.

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    • HA, well, thanks for your honesty, but single moms, aren't "broken". I was with my daughters dad for 4 years, people fall in and out of love. Now, I'm not saying by any means, I am mad at him because he doesn't want to date me. But, knowing I have a daughter, and if you feel strongly about it, don't date or ask a girl to hang out. Now, I know it takes a real man to be with a single mom because of those reasons, but, I'm not looking for a "daddy" for my daughter. She has one of them already!

    • It doesn't take a "real man" to be with a single mom. A real man can date whomever he pleases. A real man can raise his own family with his own biological children. I have been pretty blunt about not dating single moms. I don't want people to think that I hate them, because I don't.

      Even if you aren't looking for a dad, you'll eventually get one anyways if you are not going back to your ex. So you really are looking for a dad, you just might not realize it.

  • Honesty is hard for people who have been raised on playing games socially and in relationships.

    It is hard to find one honest person in a group of over aged 4 year olds.

    (Bitter no. Tired of babysitting other grown adults and trying to "help" you through sh*t a grown up should be able to deal with: YES)

    If you start a serious relationship with someone who has a child you have to realize you are also in a relationship with that child. because the parents life revolves around that child. AS IT SHOULD sheesh.

    And NO woman who have kids are not "easier" then those who don't (you would be amazed ladies how men.. How many of my kind think this.. ACTUALLY think this..)

    I agree with the OP just be honest. No games. Life is too short for bullsh##. That's what love is, finding someone who doesn't bullsh$$ you and base everything on games, someone you can be honest with, because your friends as well.

    /2 cents

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  • For most classy men... There are unwritten rules to single moms... We will not get involved unless we mean it... It's not fair to the kid. And other guys thing you are a lowlife if you go out with a single mom and drop her.. Let's be honest here it's more than just two peoples feelings. I understand I have been in this spot and it's a tough call.

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  • If he told you that straight to your face in the wrong tone or the wrong way, he'd be the biggest a**hole ever. Girls lie like that all the time. They do it so as not to hurt your feelings.

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  • It's hard to be totally upfront with someone you have a lot of potential to hurt hun. Just don't let something one guy said get you down. No one is perfect unfortunately.

    And if that default is of you and your daughter then holy cow -how cute!

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  • Basically what "Lockjawx27" is that you will always be in 2nd place to the kid. Not that there is anything wrong with wanting to take care of your kid but it would get annoying to be 2nd to someone you put 1st.

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    • But it does seem like girls who have a kid are more down to Earth that ones that don't.

  • Well, to be fair, he may not have known how he'd feel up front, and he may have been bad to tell you.

    I don't know what to suggest, apart from saying ... well... I'm in my 30's with kids and a marriage that I'm hoping to improve .. but if it fell apart, I'd be _most_ interested in someone like you, a mother, who could understand my priorities and experiences, who loves kids but may not be in a rush to have more, and so on. Some guys without kids will be interested in getting serious (just like some women go after guys with kids) but I feel like it would be easier for another single parent to relate, and to want similar things.

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  • There's something instinctual about it. You say you're not "broken" but in a man's eyes, your body has already been used to create a kid, with someone else. We would prefer that our girl's body only has kids with us. In a way, we kind of do see you as used up.

    I don't have any friends who would date a single mom. We feel like your job is to be a mother to your kid. It's not the time to be chasing guys. You're off the market.

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    • Your best bet is probably a guy with kids of his own.

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    • I was just explaining about the mental reasoning a guy might not want to be with the mother of someone else's kid.

    • yep I have kids and not easy to have a sex life around the kids

  • if he told you that he didn't want a relationship because you had a daughter, would you still hang out? go on dates? do other stuff? girls want guys to be honest but can't handle the truth. he was probably just trying to spare your feelings.

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    • Yes I would have, I have guy friends that love me and my daughter, but have told me theyd never date me because it's a big responsibility. Just be honest, you can never have to many friends.

    • Yeah, but those guys are friends. This guy you're referring to was something more. HUGE difference. I think he genuinely wanted to be with you but as it got more serious, he realized that the situation wasn't for him. If you ask me, yes it's because you have a kid with someone else and the only reason he's saying otherwise is to save your feelings. I doubt he'd stop being your friend if you actually wanted just friendship or something casual from him.

  • It is because he is a tool and all he what is the booty call from time to time

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  • Maybe the guy thought he'd feel like a douche leaving as soon as he found out you had a kid.

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    • Okay, maybe he thought you were a cool chick, and he could overlook the fact that you have a child. When you two got closer, he got cold feet with this situation. He told you something different as to not appear as a jerk and told some friends the truth. Personally, I find this completely understandable. Possibly getting closer and taking care of someone else's kid is a daunting task for anyone.

    • Some people don't have the heart to be honest about something, and some people can't take brutally honest answers. That's just the way it is, for better or worse. From what you've said here, I think the guy had good intentions, and sometimes that's just all you can ask for. I wish you the best of luck in the future.

What Girls Said 11

  • He sure strung you on for waaaaay too long! It sounded like he wasn't ready for anything, seeing that it took him 6 dates just to kiss you. And you also can't go on what someone else said, because words always get twisted around. He's probably used to women who would "freak out" hearing the truth, so it's much easier for them to lie. Guys don't want to be the "bad" guy that broke your heart. It really sounds like he just wasn't ready. But there are tons of guys who are VERY willing to date a single mom! I can offer you some free personal coaching if you're interested. I would love to help you get back out there and start dating again!

    Love,

    Dina

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  • i'm gonna be brutally honest., it's because you have a daughter not alota guys want someone with a kid. He wanted o be polite to you ,but he's still immature. He knew you had a kid but liked you wanted to see if there was anything there or if it could work out. But, he's still young and doesn't wanna be tied down. It'll probably take you a long time to find someone that will be completely accepting of the fact you have a kid especially with guys our age. But, when you get older I'm sure you'd find someone who'd appreciate you and treat your kid like it waas thier own. Good luck out there I know dating can be tough.

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  • Guys do that to females without kids too, say one thing and mean another. That part of it doesn't have anything to do with your being a single mom.

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  • Aside from that, I don't know what his intentions were from the beginning, if he had any at all other than he enjoyed spending time with you. He could have very just wanted something physical with you, and just did all of the things you mentioned because that's just what some people do. It's also possible that he had feelings for you/interest in you, but he decided it wasn't ideal for him to be in a relationship with someone that had a child. I'm not excusing that he didn't tell you to your face, because I think that's wrong in itself. Some people choose not to be in a relationship with someone who has a child/children, and that's okay. The main thing is that he should have told you the truth. I don't care what anyone says about "feelings may be hurt, etc.". Everyone deserves the truth.

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  • It's too brutal to be honest sometimes. Rather than hurt you or your child's feelings, they back off slowly. I'm sure he doesn't know where you two will stand in the future and rather cut it short before your child's feelings become involved. Be happy he left before you became too attached.

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  • because you deserve better than him :)

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    • Guys lie to her BECAUSE she deserves better than them? I think you're confusing cause and effect here.

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    • By lying to her? She deserves better than you! ;)

    • boosting her confidence is not lying :S and I do think she deserves better than that :)

  • well ita because he doesn't want the responsibility of a child on his shoulders...its too much to ask for. even I wouldn't be willing to date a guy with kids. but then I would not date him in the first place. this guy is dating you but refusing a relationship. well I won't go all out and say he is a jerk... may be he is scared and confused. so he wants to take his own sweet time to avoid any future regrets

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  • He probably decided to give it a chance then realized the complicated, difficult, probably frustrating reality of the situation.

    I'm sorry, but you having a child is going to cause a lot of situations like that with men. Everything is going to be complicated now that you have a child in the picture and no guy really wants to have a reminder that his girl has had other penis in her right there all the time. I have a male friend who recently broke up with his ex and he told me it was that much easier because she has a son. The way a child from another relatioinship is commonly viewed among young, hot, people is kinda like someone having a nasty set of teeth. When you break up with them or choose to stop dating them it's like "well at least I don't have to deal with that! I can find someone with better teeth no doubt"

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  • You know what, I feel your pain, lies hurt. Especially when guys and girls lie about their intentions. But even though I'm in my twenties, I learned early on that some people don't like to be themselves. Some don't want to be honest with others or with themselves. Some can't be real, because they are just too cowardly to upset someone in their lives.

    But the people that I have been hurt by, who lie, do not get blessed as easily as I do. In fact, they have some f***ed up lifestyles and mishaps. I used to feel like such a victim, because I thought: how could people be so dishonest?

    Being honest is a gift, that only the few and strong can use as an advantage. Those who are not honest are at a huge disadvantage. So, I decided to exclude those lying fools out of my life. My advice to you is to exclude those people who have hurt you, forgive them, think positively always, and shoot any negative thoughts out of your head.

    Oh and boys aren't the only ones who lie, men lie too. So do women and girls. But we all just have to decide not to lie to each other, as well as to ourselves. Until then, I would pay more attention to the behavior of people more; you can learn a bunch from behavior and actions.

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  • he doesn't want to hurt you so he put the blame on himself and not you

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  • Because he's a jerk. A decent man will never do that.

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    • yeah a decent guy would just have said I don't want a women with a bastard child

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