So frustrated with the so called "nice guy"?

So I have been dating this guy for a month and things were going great. We both admitted to chemistry , etc. Talked every night on the phone. He opened up about his insecurities and I did too. He said he ex left him because she wanted to be a party girl. I had done everything under the moon to communicate with the dude that I like him for who he is and am not going anywhere. He told me how doesn't think he is attractive, is afriad I am using him and will find someone new, he doesn't think he is smart, etc...he even called me one night depressed because he doesn't have friends.

I felt like I could relate because I am like that too. I stayed on the phone trying to tell him it was okay and reassure him he is a great man. That was a week ago. In a drunken state, we had sex. Wasn't planned , the bartender just kind screwed us over. he was completely gone and so was i. during it, I do remember him saying " he loved me" and wanted me to promise not to leave him.

I think nothing of it, I mean we are both out of it. In the morning, he is scared that I won't call him again because things got out of hand that night. I reassure him I will call. And I call, and he invites me out for a movie the next night. We just cuddle that night. The night ends and he kisses me and asks me to call him the next day.

He spends a lot of time with his family, and is suppose to be with his brother and sister in law this weekend. He sends me a text " I have been doing some thinking, and I can't see me with you forever"...and another " I just don't understand why gonig out all the time is better than staying at home". He then calls me to tell me that his brother and sister in law want to meet me. I was half asleep during the call and texts, so it didn't register with me to the next morning, when I woke up fully and asked about it.

He says "yea its true they want to meet you, but I have been thinking"...

Like seriously is this dude really trying to end things? Is he thinking I am going to leave like the others, because he is a homebody? WTF else do I have to do to prove that iam here to stay to this guy? I am so frustrated...i really like tthis dude, I completely lost interest in all other men when I met him. I feel like a fool, and I am hurt. Not because of the sex, but because I really felt a connection with him and he gave me signs before today communicating he did too.

What do I do? Because after this I really don't want to date period. What is the point anymore when it always ends like this?

Updates:
It just frustrates me to hear him constantly complaining about being cheated on, left and used...and when a nice girl comes around that actually cares and wants to be with him...i get the f'ing boot. I might as well date douches at least they dump you for a good reason.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • i think he is not in a place were he wants to date or have a relationship right now give him a bit of time but also not too much time.

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    • He just called me , and out of the blue hit me with the " I thought I was ready , but I am not ready for a relationship, I want to be on my own" line. I am very angry because he was the one that brought up relationships at first, giving all the signs. He continued chatting with me on the phone, even laughing as if nothing happened, I said " I have to go , and hung up". I just couldn't take it anymore

    • As he was so easily letting the words roll off his tongue, I couldn't help but have a flashback to the faces of men from my past who have given me the same line, only for me find them in the arms of another woman weeks/months later. I had to hangup before I embarrassed myself and started crying on the phone

    • ugh I hate it that guys do that I felt the same way. . .

What Guys Said 6

  • It's easy to understand why you're upset. This guy is just not appreciating your appreciation of him, and thus he is not appreciating you. It's almost abusive in that it knocks you down a peg every time he refuses to acknowledge the honest thoughts and feelings you express for him.

    At the outset, it seemed like he was simply opening up, that he was trusting you enough to share his vulnerabilities. And that made you feel good. Now it seems that he is refusing to trust you: your assurances consistently fall on deaf ears. To add to the pain, he even shares with you that he is considering ending things with you.

    I'm starting to get the picture as to why this guy's been dumped before. I don't think he's a "nice guy." He's not a raging violent lunatic, but that doesn't mean he's nice. It sounds to me like he's causing you quite a bit of pain, and he's not sensitive to that pain.

    I sympathize with your frustration: the chemistry has been great, the connection has felt good, of course you wanted to stick around. Thing is, it sounds like the pains of this relationship are gradually outweighing the pleasures.

    It might be time for a talk. Listen, I've had a lot of fun with you. I've enjoyed spending time with you. I've been liking you very much. For some time now, I've been having the sense that I'm simply not equal to the task of assuring you of those things. It's starting to make me feel badly, and I just hate feeling badly. I simply need to be with someone who can appreciate my appreciation. So, I second your instincts that we can't see ourselves together forever.

    Or something like that. The dynamic of this relationship simply blows, and it's not changing. Love relationships necessarily involve pleasure and pain: give up for a little while but not forever, okay?

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    • Alright, that hurts really badly I'm sure. I think it's good he saved you the trouble of having to drop his a$$.

  • Some guys, specially nice guys, don’t want to experience any kind of stress. So to him relationships fall into the “potentially good but risky and uncomfortable” category. I assume that his ex left him because he didn’t like to go out much so if you like to go out he fears that your relationship will end sooner than later. It’s easy to convince him that you won’t ask him to go out of his comfort zone, but that has to be what you want to. He seems very insecure and clinging. (Not to criticize him)

    PS: by the way, he laughed on the phone because laughter helps to create distraction when the situation gets uncomfortable.

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    • you know what angers me sometimes are guys that cry and let a girl through their fingers becuase a bad break up or two. he's had one cheater, and one that left. Lets take a look at my track record...hmm I have been raped twice, beaten, cheated on with my best friend, assalted in public, lied to numberous times, and used for sex, had guys lie to me about being married, having kids, etc. I now don't leave home without pepper spray...but I STILL let him get close to me. I didn't hold any

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    • I’m sorry to hear that you went through so much things. And it even impresses me that you are still so strong mentally. Yes, you ARE.

      You are right about some guys. They are as dependant on their girlfriend as a child is on his mother. But this doesn’t just apply to their relationship with women; it’s their social skills and relationships with everyone that are “weak”. You overcame what happened to you and you are quite comfortable socially. But the guy you are dating has social insecurities.

    • He relies too much on women to be happy and feel comfortable. So the stakes of the relationship are bigger for him. That’s why he is so afraid to commit. But that doesn’t excuse him. I understand that it makes you angry.

  • Just let him know for sure that you won't hurt him. This might mean you have to be a little "tough" on him to say it. But you have to. He is not confident in himself, and you have to show him that he means a lot to you.

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  • This isn't a nice guy this a wimp dump him and feed him to the lions if he is strong minded he will survive if not then there wasn't much hope.

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  • So where's the nice guy part?

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    • he is just one of the those guys that is very agreeable and will do anything to make the girl happy. Opens doors, pays for everything, etc etc. He's very selfless, and polite.

  • Well, I can understand why he is kind of trying to keep you at arms length. If you get hurt enough, you start to get cynical about everyone. However, it isn't a great excuse at this point. You just need to sit him down (if you haven't already) and pain the whole picture for him, the way you see things. And, I'm talking about a stern talk. Tell him how you want to be with him, but he is driving a wedge into the relationship. It hurts you, and you can't put up with it much longer. If that doesn't work, you may just want to move one.

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What Girls Said 3

  • Dump him.

    If you hadn't labeled him a nice guy you'd be hearing this.

    If guys don't want jerks tobget passes on their bad behavior they should accept nice guys shouldn't get a free b*tch/whine/ and act like a crybaby cow all you want card.

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  • "Nice guy"? He's not nice he's passive aggressive. Funny how he can give you some sob story to lower your defenses and make himself seem like some harmless sad puppy, but then after he gets some ass he breaks up with you through text. It goes to show you, guys who seem overly nice are NOT nice. They are the worst ones because they are 2 sides of the same coin. He is just like a douche but he's too passive aggressive and wimpy to be overtly douchy, his douchebaggotry is veiled in feel sorry for me sympathy sh*t.

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  • I have also given up on the "nice" guy because they do not exist. The douchebags will just need to understand that I am going to treat them the way they treat me.

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