Why can't we change the rules?

Let's face it; the dating world is full of stupid rules and practices that originated a long time ago, when the world was a different place. These customs and traditions started during a time when men were taught to be the soldiers and/or the worker of the family, while women were raised to think that their sole purpose in life should be to become a stay-at-home mom/housewife who was only a very small step above being nothing but property to her husband.

Times have changed however. None of these things are the case anymore, so why do we have to keep on observing these dating rituals and customs that are a throwback to a time when people thought the world was flat? I've asked a lot of people this question, and while most men seem to agree with me, most women seem to want to keep things the way they always have been. And when I ask them why, their only answer is "because that's just the way things are" or "because it's tradition". Well, guess what. Those aren't valid answers.

I'm talking about things such as:

The man must be the one to approach the woman

The man must be the one to ask the woman out

The man must provide transportation

The man must pay for everything

There's a whole lot more, too.

Times change, people evolve, and the reasons behind these stupid rules no longer apply in today's society. So why can't we adapt? Why aren't we allowed to change with the times?


Most Helpful Girl

  • It's not a rule it the evolution of dating and finding true love love. When You sit down with a couple that has been married for years and are still happy with their relationship they will give you the run down of how it all came into play. Woman are the pursuers, men are to pursue a woman. If a woman comes on to a man and began to take the role of paying for everything and being the provider, then confusion in the relationship begans. Lets be for real because I've heard it all before, "a man wants a woman who is independent." Then he flips it and says an independent woman don't need a man and he's back in the arms of a NEEDY woman.

    It's in our DNA's to behave this way, no matter how we think we want things to change the more they stay the same.

    Men that feel that the laws should change are looking for a easy way out. They are looking to switch the roles, just to get a break. A hardworking man is a turn on, and a woman that stands beside him every step of the way is a strong individual.

    What needs to change is these silly little dating games. Dating should not be so complicated. Check out my question: "Why the Games."


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What Girls Said 7

  • Times are changing I think. When I was dating there were times I approached guys and suggested we go out. I never believed in making the man pay for everything due to not wanting to feel like I owed the guy. I would provide my own transportation in case things weren't going well and I needed to get out ASAP. I know a lot of friends that think like I do. I think it depends on the women you meet.

  • because we have to have a child and get stretch marks. we have to have a period once a month. I think you boys can handle the emotional sense of asking a gal out. our pain is physical and btw cramps SUCK haha

  • its how we are built basically, our natural instints ~ I donno why and agree it sucks as I have been single for too long probably because I just don't do game playing but a man needs to be a man and a women a woman most of the time. We can slightly alter ourselves and adjust but some things are deep rooted within us.

    • See my problem is I just can't respect a woman who won't take initiative sometimes. When she makes me do everything to be honest after a little bit I start to view her as nothing but a burden on me because the benefits I get from being in a relationship don't outweigh having all that responsibility.

    • Also, it's not natural instincts to me. I don't differentiate between men and women in these ways in my head, I just see us as being people who need to split responsibilities 50/50.

  • Personally, I'm uncomfortable if the guy pays...but as for the asking out part, it's just so difficult for a girl to put herself out there. I'm not saying that it's not difficult for a guy, but we girls often view guys as the more outgoing/daring gender. Besides, every time I try to put myself out there, something always goes horribly wrong. I do, however, believe that the rules of dating should change/be simplified.

  • through my past experience, whenever I make the first move, I have to remember to still play hard to get. as much as guys whine about how they don't want to be "in control", they still like the chase. I suppose it goes back to our anthropological roots where guys are the hunters.

    when it comes to transportation/money, it's changing. I refuse to let any of my bfs pay for me unless it's a big thing (ie: birthday/anniversary) and they want to. otherwise, we always pay for own food. maybe it's just me being logical, but we're college kids and we're poor, why should girls expect guys to empty out their wallets just for them?

    you're right. times are changing, but habits that are ingrained in societal standards are slow to change. in a culture where guys are supposed to "protect" the girls, don't think that the "dating rules" are going to change drastically any time soon.

    • I like where you're going, but a few points:

      1. protect girls from what? in todays day and age the only way to really protect yourself from something that might happen is to carry a firearm or some mace, and girls can whip it out and shoot it just as well as a guy.

      2. believe it or not lots of guys hate the chase and they think that the girl is just playing mind games with him when she plays hard to get, and just move along. I know I do.

    • I have no clue what guys have to "protect" girls from, which is why I put it in quotation marks. but I'd assume that eventually guys will think that they have to be the breadwinners of the family, they must be the support of the family - financially, of course, yadda yadda yadda.

      while you may be different, I don't know you so I can't judge, I know plenty of guys who say that they "hate the chase" but they always prove themselves wrong when they chase after the more unattainable girl.

    • As far as the whole "hard to get" bs goes, I personally hate it, but what I think you're referring to is how men hate when women want to jump into a relationship after knowing the guy for 3 weeks. I can know that a woman is attracted to me and want to be with me, and still be interested after the first week or two, but I'd like to continue to develop with her and get to know her better before I commit to a serious relationship.

  • Why do we want to change the rules? I'm fine with them. LOL Society is adapting and changing rules, just not very quickly. Like now it's cool to have friends with benefits and hook up. In my parent's day you were a trifling slut if you did that. Now it's not a big deal to have a kid and not be married. 30 years ago you were looked down on and people would go to extreme lengths to hide it.

    • You may be fine with them because you're on the side that benefits the most from them. but as a man all of the responsibilities and duties it feels like fall on me and I seriously have to evaluate whether or not a woman is worth the effort or the trouble before I do, and you know what? women who aren't willing to take initiative themselves don't seem like theyre worth it to me.

  • I agree with you, it doesn't have to be that way


What Guys Said 8

  • Dating rules have changed all right, but our US women want to keep the old rules when it's to their advantage, such as who pays, but have dumped all the old rules in terms of sleeping around with other guys, haven't they?

    The problem isn't so much the old rules as the new, unprincipled, opportunist, and venal women, in my opinion.

    The mainstream women aren't going to change until we all start dating Asian women. Once they're left alone (already pretty much happened to the black women, actually) THEN they might be willing to stop their manipulation. Maybe

  • Because that's how we were raised, our dads well most dads are the providers and taught us to be tough, because that's how their dad taught them, we're men basically we were taught it's a man's world women just live in it.

    But to answer some of your questions, I've been approached by women and still get approached by women. Women hint at things by saying hypothetically say we were dating, or where do you see this going? Most of the time guys like to drive, have you ever been in the car with a woman, yeah some are pretty bad drivers. I've been on dates where I paid or they offered to pay or even they paid.

    Some women don't want to work or they don't know how to work, so they want to marry a rich guy, and well guys want a hot woman so there you go.

    If you have a kid you can try and raise them different but the fact is that if you know your dad as in known him all your life, when guys get older they act just their dads, no matter what people say it's true. Plus most women want to cook, clean, and take care of people, it's just instinct for them. And guys aren't like that even if we try to clean or cook, what does a woman say, your doing it wrong, that's not the right way to clean, so we go ok fine then if you want it your way then do it your way I'm going to mow the yard. Tell a woman to mow the yard whose never mowed in her life and if she does well lets just say you won't ever let her touch the lawn mower again.

  • Actually, the times have already altered our way of "dating". Did you know that dating is relativily a new idea? This brings light to the fact that it hasn't always "just the way things are". That quote only exaggerates the traditionalist. The traditionalist person likes what has worked, likes to be socially acceptable and anything else would just be strange. This may be the case with a lot of girls, or possibly the girl just doesn't want to step up.

    In any case, I believe it really depends on the woman. A recent change would have been the feminist movement. Before then, women weren't to talk out of place, were to stay home and cook, were never to disobey the man. Now, the woman has a job (sometimes more than the man) can lead over men, can do several things she couldn't do. Times have changed, it just takes a while. Not only does it take time, but it takes that one or two people to be the "strange people" that live unnatural to social standards the way the world sees them now.

    Change always needs a push.

    If you desire for a girl to do all those things for you, you've got to look for one just like you who desires it. Unfortunatly for you, I believe the dominancy factor is implamented in men naturally. Not to say that men should be dominant, but just the way people are made (generally) men is the one who will step up while the woman is content to be support. Women are all capable of stepping up and becoming dominant in one aspect or another, but I would say most women are attracted to a man who is confident, willing to be the gentleman and shield to the one he cares about most. The knight protecting his princess. It is my belief that the women who like to take charge in a relationship, are ones who have had struggles with relationships in their past. More likely, they had issues with their parents. My own mother in fact is the more dominant one in my parents relationship. Even though my mother makes more money than my father, she makes the rules and is the more diplomatic, you should see the way she leans on him when things get tough. She still looks at him with love and pride when he becomes her protector when times get tough.

    It's just the way things are the way they are: It's the way we were made. Generally, men don't like a woman that can life twice as much as they can. It's intimidating and displaces the man as he believes he should be. So, if a man expects a woman to ask the man out, the woman feels like the man, and thus isn't attracted to the "woman" of the relationship.

    Let me know if I've been unclear. :)

    • My thing is, I don't have that mentality. I don't see the weaker person in the relationship, or the person who doesn't initiate, as being the "woman". It's that type of thinking that I'm talking about. And no I don't desire a girl to do all those things for me, I desire a perfect and even 50/50 split in everything.

    • The 50/50 thing is healthy. If I asked my girlfriend to pick up dinner (generally before we order) because my paycheck is short, she does! It's only because she trusts me and knows that I'm not using her for her money. You aren't wrong for asking for 50/50, however you do have to find a woman who desires the same. Some women just desire to be taken care of.

  • Actually, I think that everything you mentioned is changing, albeit a bit slowly, but that's the nature of change. If we are to hearken back to olden times there are many things that have changed:

    Flowers and/or a gift on the first date is gone.

    Bunting is long gone.

    Meeting the parents before the first date is gone.

    No kissing on the first date.

    A chaperone for the first date.

    There's probably a lot more than these, but you get the idea. Things have changed and it will eventually reach the equal society that's been strived for for centuries. Hey, who would have ever considered a black president even 20 years ago.

    • Are you still mad over that whole invasion of privacy thing ? :)

    • Well, that's the gist of it . . I just believe that privacy is a basic human right we all must respect of each other's even in marriage . . . to not respect that right is to regard someone as less than human

    • Here we go again. There is no existing documentation that affirms the right to privacy when it comes to a couple's relationship. It isn't written in marriage documents nor does it exist in any human rights code. However, since you believe it is a right, then, for you and perhaps others, it is. I don't believe it is. So we will agree to disagree on this matter. Catch you on the next topic.

  • You are missing the point bro. The type of women you are looking for are man haters. They have this false facade of chasing men and not letting you open the door. Most of the time girls do that to feed their ego. An girls who you see are traditional don't think of a guy approaching them as bemeaning to them but think of it as something they are used to thinking and romantic.

    • I'm not talking about man haters, I'm just talking about girls who share and split responsibilities 50/50.

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    • See just the way you ask her out makes you loose all your power. Next time you go on a date say "Let's go ...... on ......" and not " wanna go ......" . If you want the type of relationship you want you have to be that guy who asks for it. You can't hand over all the decisions on her and expect it to be fair.

      In this case when you go it just "you guys" are going and you are not taking her. You can dutch in that case. This is how a lot of people I know do it and this is the modern take.

    • You are right. Challenge would lead to drama in the long run. But it is important in the begining. If you do that in the begining then the power and controls are defined early in the relationship and once things fall into place you guys can act more thoughtful about each other. You don't need to keep being a challenge. But you need to start the relationship with that spirit. Remember in the begining she is still not your girlfriend and you need to lay out your conditions either directly or indirectly.

  • I agree, society and gender relations have made significant leaps and bounds, especially in the last 30-40 years. I feel that some of the "old ways" should no longer apply or make sense to fair-minded people of both sexes. Currently, the trick is finding a woman with a similar egalitarian stance on dating - it may be rare now, but if past progression continues, the old customs which were mentioned will hopefully be passe in the coming years.

  • Aren't we in the same time period that welcomes independent single mothers and women in high career positions? While the female gender has undergone so many evolutions in society, one would think they would be as aggressive in their dating life as they are in every other aspect of their life.

    Seriously, I wish there were more women out there that are date initiators.

  • more than just that, us guys pretty much have to initiate everything with women, we have to do most of the phone-calling and texting too, pick the places to go out too, we have to initiate all of the conversations, communications, before and during the relationship.