When Do I Tell Him I'm Dating Other Guys?

[Anonymous]

So I met someone online and we've gone on 5 dates. We've made out and have done some touching, but no sex until we're official (which I told him). We haven't gone out in 2 weeks because of school and he's out of state for the holiday. We still text, but I can feel things have cooled (probably because of my no-sex-until-we're-official policy). He had asked me on our 3rd date if I was seeing anyone else and I wasn't at the time.

Since I have a long holiday weekend, I'm going on a 1st date with someone new. I also met him online and he knows I've been seeing someone for the past month. It's just a 1st date and I'm not gonna get physical with this guy (no kissing, hand-holding, nothing).

If and when I do see guy #1 again, should I tell him I went on a date with someone else? How should I go about telling him? And will this light a fire under guy #1's ass to make things official or will it get me in hot water?

I'm not dating someone new with the intent of lighting a fire under anyone's ass. I'm doing it because I'm unattached, I have the time and because I can.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for the response, everyone. I appreciate all of your comments. We're going out this weekend and I'll bring it up.

[rachiee]

You're single, you're entitled to do whatever you want. Although you are seeing this guy, it isn't exclusive and hasn't been made exclusive. However, I think that you're doing nothing wrong since it seems pretty soon for you guys to make things official especially if you're not attached. Don't jump into anything, date other people and see what's out there until you invest feelings for someone. You don't have to tell him, but if you don't then you'll turn into a player and will be disrespecting the guy (something that many guys usually do girls in your situation). I think that it would be right to tell him that you're seeing another guy, but its not mandatory since you aren't officially with him and you're young and not emotionally attached yet. I know that people might disagree with my answer, but you're single and until then you're entitled to your own life. When things become official or more serious, meaning he talks about a commitment and you realize that's what you want with him, then stop dating other guys.

[girloncue]

the problem is she already told him she isn't dating anybody

[rachiee]

Which was the truth then.

[AnnaRocelle]

It depends on the guy.. Like my boyfriend and I have been on and off for almost a year and at the beginning when we were on I talked to another guy behind his back. Later I totally told him and he was hurt yes but he said he actually trusts me a lot more and respects me a lot more even though I talked to this other guy. My boyfriend and I are totally better and truthful with each other now. I used to think it was weird and awkward to talk to him about us, and sex but now we talk to each other about it all the time totally open and not awkward at all anymore.

It just depends mostly on the guy. Hopefully he's like mine but just say it was nothing to big just a little date and that you guys didn't do anything. He should understand. Just be prepared that he might be a little hurt and a little distant from you for a little.

[Anonymous]

You should probably have told him AS SOON AS you accepted the date with the other guy, especially since he made a point of asking you at the start of your relationship.

He might also wonder why you only chose to date a new person once he was out of town. It looks like you're either not trustworthy or just trying to taunt him in some way for not "being official".

It looks like a game of some sort. You owe it to him to play with a firm set of rules, not just with whatever rules you feel like using at any given time...

[Anonymous]

amazing on how half the girls have no problem hiding stuff...

That guy made a point of asking her before mention ! So it matters to that guy and thus either you stop seeing him or you keep seeing him but you date others as well. Because right now you are a liar by omission. You left him with the impression you weren't dating others, but you are, and that's wrong. Girls are so full of sh*t these days. They can do as they please and hide all kind of sh*t and rationalize it. But guys pull any of that on them and they are the worst bastards ever.

There is a decency rule, and it's the same for both genders ladies.

[J_White90]

It's too bad you went anon. You're dead on with that.

[Asker]

Well, like I said, he asked me about a month ago and at that time, I wasn't. Since I'm more open to talking and going out with other guys now, I feel like I should tell him out of respect, hence my question. I don't plan on getting physical with these other guys, so it's not like I'm messing around.

[2confusedgirl]

She has a point. She wasn't in the beginning and now that she is she wants to tell him so she is not hiding it from him. She just doesn't know how to approach it. Of course it is the same for both genders. It just happens that in this case it is a girl asking this. If it was a guy asking this, I wouldn't judge him anymore than her.

[Prof_Don]

Regardless of "not messing around" or not...

...you're DATING other guys, when you're not certain that he's playing by the same rules.

If I were guy #1, I'd cease to talk to you anymore. The "omission" is not technically "lying"...

...

...

...but is still perjury. That's not any better.

Tell him ASAP or your conscience will burn your soul from the inside-out.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you make the right decision and you say out of respect for him. That was exactly what I was thinking about. Messing or not messing around has nothing to do with it, and it wasn't his question either. You're making the sensible choice and it's nice to hear.

[TravisStowell]

Amen.

[rtri1]

At any point when you are serious about some guy, as a part of being respectful to the guy you are getting serious with you need to tell him and others through effective.

A very simple rule you can follow to ask when is how would you like to be treated and when would you like to know if roles were reversed.

Remember when following the rule, When is that you would have liked to know, not when is the time when you would be okay to know, when is the time you wish he would have told you if he is seeing other people without you feeling disrespected.

[Asker]

Thanks. I guess I will bring it up the next time I see him.

[paigems]

Ok, first of all, why would you stick around guy #1 if you think things have cooled just because you haven't had sex? That makes no sense! Actually, it makes him seem like he's totally not relationship material. Maybe that's not why things have cooled though, I'm not sure, I haven't been on your dates with you :P

Anyway, if that's not the reason, and you still are interested in seeing guy #1, I would not tell him about other guys. To me that seems sort of like unnecessary drama. Telling him that will just confuse him, and he may react in ways you don't like such as cutting contact. However, if you're completely unattached to guy #1, I'm not sure why you'd want to get into a relationship with him anyway...

If I were you I'd keep talking to both guys, but not for too long because that can lead to hurt feelings. Just enough to see which one has more potential relationship wise. Then nicely let down the lesser of the two guys.

[Asker]

We talked about it today and it seems like school and the break were to blame (he was out-of-state the whole break). The fact that he shuffles between states during vacation is something he's taking into consideration whether or not he wants to make it official. So we're gonna decide after the winter break because he'll be away for about a month. So, we will see.

[Simple-Simonette]

I know you already chose the best answer but I just wanted to add one more thing. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If, while he was away, he decided to go out on a date? And ask yourself when and how you would want to know. Then go from there ...

Personally, if I were him, even if it weren't "official" I would have some expectation of exclusiveness. If I liked a guy, I would wait to see how it worked out before moving on - even if it were casual. Because that's what I would expect from the person I was dating. I would have told him before I accepted the date to know how he felt about it because I would expect the same courtesy from him.

Glad to see that you're going to be honest with him and I hope you get the results you want.

Good luck.

[Prof_Don]

See, now personally, if I was guy #1, I will debunk all this omissive deceit, by asking the girl on the first date...

...

..."are you dating, or desire to date, anyone besides me at the same time?"

*if she answers a variation of "yes", I know how she operates, and I can see other girls too

*if she answers a variation of "no", I know how she operates, and be one-on-one

*if she says ANYTHING ELSE...i'll presume she operates like she meant "yes".

If she WASNT dating anyone else, or planned to date anyone else...

...she'd divulge that with no problem.

If she WAS planning to be involved with other people, there's plenty of reasons to hide that.

[CaptainKM]

It's good you are concerned with this. You are "single" and have no obligation to guy #1. If you feel you two are headed in the relationship direction then being honest is a good idea. Creating a strong foundation in the beginning of a relationship is important for healthy growth. It may make #1 a little butthurt but we tend to get like that in these situations. Let #1 know when you feel appropriate and that it was a harmless interaction. It's early for you two. If he walks then it's ok... It may be a good thing. Plus he may have something to share as well.

5 dates... You should not be in hot water. If you do get in hot water I'd say that is a big bright red flag and thoughts of moving forward with #1 may need re-evaluation as its a strong sign of an abusive partner.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

[Deft_maiden]

Good one +1

[pr3ttybr0wn]

you're not obligated to tell anyone anything tbh that's your business. you're just seeing each other but don't have anything exclusive your not even having sex so it isn't a big deal. dating is about getting to know ppl, there is no rule that says you must only get to know one person at once or tell the person (ppl) your dating what you do when your not with them. plus if you tell a guy "im dating" they often read it as "i'm hooking up with". I see this as oversharing that won't do you any good

[lushlove]

Well you should tell him as soon as you like someone. It isn't fair to still hold on to someone just for the sake of it. What you do is your business and if you like someone else, then you should go for it. But I think another girl would appreciate your boyfriend better than you would so let him go. Hope I helped.

[rudy37lee]

I think it's right of you to inform him on your next date that you are in fact dating around. If you knew it was a possibility that you wanted to date others, you should have been up front with him from the get go. Like you said though, you are single, you have every right to date other men. He has every right to know though, and if he wants to continue dating you he can, and if he chooses he'd rather not, that's OK too.

[MissAndee]

You shouldn't mention it until you feel like you may want to get exclusive with one of the guys. That's the point of dating, getting to know one another.

[Deft_maiden]

Yup +1

[Anonymous]

if guy 1 isn't making a commitment then I would say no you have no obligation to tell him and move on to guy2. but if guy 1 thinks that there is something between you 2 then you should really be respectful of him and wait to not date another guy as to give him a chance to make a move!

[girloncue]

you tell him NOW. He is under the assumption you aren't going to date anyone else. Pick up your phone and text him NOW.

[Asker]

we're going out this weekend. I'll tell him then

[girloncue]

the longer it takes, the more he'll be upset. Honestly, I would drop a guy if he did that to me.

[maryjane0x]

I don't think this first guy really has to know especially if you and him are not official, there;s really nothing wrong with dating more than one person if you are not committed to only one

[Horizon]

Simple: as soon as possible. Let him know what he's standing on.

[Asker]

Thanks for the response. How do I bring it up in the conversation? Do I just go "So, I went on a date this weekend with someone else"? And how would you react if a girl you were dating for a month went on a date with someone else?

[Horizon]

I'll start with the second part of your question. I assume she is not putting all her eggs in one basket and and just seeing me so it would be no new news to me.

As for teh how to bring it up, there's no one right way. Dropping it on him out of the blue might not be the right way. Hinting on you thinking he dates other girls might make him come to the right conclusions. You'll have to go with your gut here though. If all subtle approaches fail use your idea, it's honest so will work too.

[AmberChick]

Sure, you can tell guy #1 you went on a date, you're not breaking any rules

[Anonymous]

Immediately, I think it's rude to treat him that way because I wouldn't want to be treated like that

[Anonymous]

When you start dating other guys.

[Xx_DRE_xX]

Interesting to see how girls operate.

[pretty--boy]

I understand a little!??????!!

[pretty--boy]

???!!