What if you've been a terrible girlfriend?

So, I've been a jealous, paranoid girlfriend that is insecure and I haven't been able to trust my boyfriend who has been kind and patient with me. I've been stupid and misunderstood emails that were sent between him and another girl.

I didn't give up and let it go properly when he assured me that nothing was up. I became convinced he was lying. He was not.

I behaved terribly. I'm not crazy, but I have major abandonment issues that I recognise.

I don't want to lose him over this. But should I let him go, because I love him and I don't want him to be burdened with my own issues. maybe he deserves better than me, and should be with someone more confident and secure.

I have sincerely learnt my lesson, and I'm going to change because its too painful for me to carry on being like this.

We live together and he's been away. He's coming home tomorrow. He knows exactly how I feel. but I feel he's getting tired of me.

What should I do? I feel so anxious that I wish I'd kept my mouth shut and not badgered him.

From your point of view do you think that its possible for him to forgive me? He says that I'm like a different person, and I feel like I am sometimes as I've been especially insecure about this particular relationship he's had with this other woman.

It wasn't how I imagined it. I got it wrong. I behaved badly. I'm sorry.

If you loved someone, would you be able to understand, forgive them and trust that they really would change and learn to trust better.

I'd appreciate any feedback/ answers relating to this stuff.

Thanks

Updates:
So many insightful answers! Thanks so much for this. I'm feeling a lot better and stronger. I don't think I've been entirely unreasonable, but I also feel guilty about snooping. I feel guilty about not trusting him. He has given me enough reason to feel suspicious. I think a lot of people would. Maybe, I pushed him too far... But I felt as though I was getting conflicting signals from what he said and the way he encouraged communication between them, despite telling me she was crap friend.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I look at such things from a different point of view than most of people.

    There's no smoke without fire. Jealousy is natural emotion but very stigmatized, same like anger.

    You can be the "perfect" girlfriend, never being jealous or suspicious but doesn't it mean you would also be naive? People can suck really bad, lies and affairs happen all around everywhere.

    It's the real situation how things are.

    Just because he says that there's nothing between them does not in any way indicate what the real situation could be like - that you have to find out yourself!

    Though I advice you to look at the proof, what was in those e-mails and how they were written?

    If there's nothing fishy you shouldn't bother, though if they seem to be too fond to each other, your jealousy is at least partially justified.

    But you shouldn't throw the tantrum right away after one proof.

    You need a couple of more proofs.

    Does your boyfriend disappear often, does he not reply to your messages and phone calls?

    Is he starting to spend more time with that girl?

    Spy on him. See where he's going, what he's doing and with who he's out. Yes, you got it right!

    If he(or anybody) blames you for "not trusting him" or "having no confidence in him" or blaming you for "being insecure" reply that trust has to be EARNED!

    If you feel like he does not deserve your trust - test him! That's how it is!

    Even if he's your boyfriend, nobody ever automatically deserves trust unless proven otherwise.

    Yes, there's no relationship without trust and that's why you must be completely sure you can trust that person, and there's no other way than finding it out yourself.

    It could also be that he does a very bad job at making you feel secure and confident. Don't be so judgmental to yourself about how you feel - if he is neglectful to your feelings the consequences of it is his fault not yours.

    Relationship takes two people, not one, so don't put it all on your shoulders!

    Affairs, sucky relationships, emotional abuse and couples who actually ain't compatible with each other are far more common today than it seems. But people try to conceal it!

    Of course it's modern way to say all you need is getting rid of "insecurity" and "trusting each other(sometimes for no real base)" but that's the way for those who are truly desperate to BE in a relationship, instead of being together with a person who makes them feel good about themselves, instead of being with someone who treats you right!

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    • He's been in another country. And yes they have been in regular contact. At first when I confronted him, he was worried about losing me, and said there was nothing going on, and that he wouldn't see her if it was upsetting me. I said that was his choice. She is a very special, and old girlfriend of his, and he likes her company, which is fine, I suppose. I think because I kept feeling upset, instead of just trusting him, he has started to resent me. We almost broke up recently because he told me

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    • Yes. Thank you very much. I guess I'm just so much in love with him... Its irritating.

    • Good insight. Gut instinct and insecurity two different things. If he's playing then he wiive about nother girl and place blame to cover his guilt. Play your cards right and the treuth will come out. One way is to threaten what you'll do if you find out he is lying because it will scare him into paranoid steps that are totally obvious. I jus did tht-thn sit back and wait

What Guys Said 3

  • If he loves you and you explain it to him, and your family background that's led to aandonment issue, he'll have no problem forgiving you. After all, it's not unusual to ahve to deal with jealousy when there's been anothe rwoman in the recent past. Other women will also have tendencies to distrust him.

    Just be sncere and if he's a god guy, things will all work out.

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  • "But should I let him go, because I love him and I don't want him to be burdened with my own issues. maybe he deserves better than me, and should be with someone more confident and secure. "

    Don't think this way. Most guys are pretty pragmatic with these kind of things. If he couldn't stand it, he would leave you himself.

    He can make his own decision about what's best for him. If he decides to stay, it means he can handle it.

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  • I would give her an extra chance if I really loved her. But if it happened again I would dump her and never look back. Most personality flaws are really hard to fix, so best of wishes. <3

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What Girls Said 3

  • I thinkyou worry to much.One thing at a time. Your worrried and concerned about him abadoning you now and desperate to recover and be accepted, approved by him. First off your not wrong for questioning his behavior regarding interaction with another girl and two if your gut instincts telling you something its almost always true. Forgive yourself and moe on...for instance read upp on jelousy and how to mandage it/counselor would be good too. The concern I would have is if your not secure within yourself, its possible you have a guy that some how fits into your cycle of belief system and could very well be important information to you as you move on. Don't go apologizing all over the place you'll dig a deeper whole. You can acknowledge your part that your working on and quit trying to find your value through him. What are your values? Is he aware of them? Your valuable and have a rigjjt to set boundaries with and with yourself. Sounds like good time to establish what those are for you. Its about two peop but if you dnt hv a voice no one will hear u. Ggod luck!

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    • Hehe I do WORRY! I have tried to set boundaries and make my feelings clear. Which he understands. But yesterday when I questioned him again, he just got sick of it. Said he didn't know who I was anymore. And he was tired of dealing with a jealous girlfriend. So I felt really bad that I'd been so awful and kept on pushing him. Maybe I should have just let him be. But it's tough, because I felt that he would be a little more patient. But I don't know... I want to be able to trust him fully.

    • Ok. So you keep coming back to unanswered questions. So what to do? Tell him that if you find out he I ben lying to u, it wnt b good. Dnt explain.intimidate back. Wht went on has made me feel very uncomfortable those things are not OK with me. Get to the point wait for reaction and b emotionally controlld. Tell him what you wnt. He may jus b tired of not knowing wht tht is or its guit but remain undder control to find out.

    • Thanks yes, that's good advice. Especially about keeping under control. I guess I'm feeling so guilty about getting in the way of his having a good time with his ex, that I think maybe I need to just calm down, and not be so scared of losing him, if it comes to that. Phew!

  • your maybe feeling vulnerable. Don't speculate, get clear answers by allowing things to be as they are and see what his actions may be. Guys are wired a bit different and so while you have a need to talk about it, he doesn't comprehend so give it a litle room. Remove your expectations of him and you won't be so offended. Also if it shows later he is just being a jrerk then decide it from there but be strong little lady you shared something with him but your still your own person. Don't give all your power away

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    • You're absolutely right. I'm so tired and wound up, I need to relax. As Konnour said above my jealousy is partially justified, because he neither completely innocent, nor completely guilty. I don't think he is an outright liar, but I think that he is a bit secretive. his privacy is very important to him. I think that maybe my expectations are unreasonable. I expected him not to see her. He said it was difficult to have a platonic relationship with her. So I don't know if he's human or a jerk?

    • He says that he has absolutely NOT been cheating on me, despite this...

  • I think there is a possibility that he can forgive you and you two can move on from this, but you have to get your feelings and anxieties under control. Don't break up with him because you think that's good for him, let him decide that for himself.

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