my boyfriend of three months has never been good at communicating if we're not together...he's not so great at initiating phone conversations or sending texts, even though if I call he will answer or call me back and he will respond to my texts, except on occassion he won't respond at all (for like a day). I'm extremely communicative so this is a bit difficult for me to deal with...but when we do talk our conversations are amazing. He told me from day one he hates the phone and is really bad at this stuff; so this is a pattern I've noticed from the beginning. I've normally been the one to initiate most conversations, but I want to know how to get him to do it more often without nagging him or seeming overbearing. I also don't want to "force" him into doing something only because I want it; I want him to want to do it, too. So how do I approach this? Also, is this a bad thing? I honestly know he really likes me but whatever being a girl I like to know I'm thought of often. By the way, he hasn't had a girlfriend in about 2 years and told me he's super picky when it comes to that and knew he wanted me to be his girlfriend...so I know him asking me means something. he also refers to our future at times, which obviously I love haha. anyway, any advice? would love to hear from guys and girls, but really eager for a guy's point of view
How do I get him to call/text more?
What Guys Said 1
I think you need to relax a bit.
One of the biggest ways women make themselves crazy is by comparing male behavior to female standards. And communication is one way where men and women tend to be very different. Rule of thumb: women communicate in order to bond; men communicate in order to transmit information or accomplish a specific goal.
You start by saying that he's "never been good at communicating if we're not together." Some people simply dislike communicating other than face-to-face. He's said he dislikes phones; I also dislike phones too, because on phones you don't see body language, facial expression, etc. You only get part of the message on a phone.
The most important thing -- at least now -- is that you need to simply accept him as he is, same as how he's right-handed and has a certain hair color. He's the strong, silent type [so to speak]. There's a good chance _he will never want to initiate long phone conversations with anyone_.
I think the biggest problem is your insecurity. You equate regular contact with approval, love, etc, and if you don't get regular contact, you begin worrying. But like I wrote, guys don't typically communicate that way. So don't take it personally.
Just as an experiment, don't carry your phone with you for a week. Leave it in the car while you're at work. Turn the phone off unless you're using it. Check it once or twice a day. Test your feelings. It's a valuable way to test your thinking and behavior. If you can learn to be less attached to your phone, I suspect his not calling/texting won't bother you.
I recommend you read this article by linguist Deborah Tannen [ link ] She's written a lot about the differences between male and female communication. Her book "You Just Don't Understand" should be required reading for all couples, so they can better understand those differences and adjust.
Hope this helps.
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