Breaking up over email when you haven't even kissed him . . .

I am 31, female. I met a guy on match in the late fall (October). We live in different cities so between Oct and now have gone on 4-5 dates, always in a restaurant. We have not kissed or had any physical contact. We have talked on the phone a fair amount, though not every day, and not since mid-dec at this point. He is a very nice guy but, 3 months and a few dates later, I feel tepid at best. I don't want to see him anymore but feel way too cowardly to do over the phone. Any support for writing a kind email to tell him it just won't work out? I'm really nervous about this!


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Definitely do it.

    When he won't be reading it on a work day !

    Personally,

    I would encourage you to keep trying to step things up in your relationship.'Tepid' is better than 'nothing in common' 'used' or 'abused'. As we get to know people we slowly are exposed to all the wonderful aspects of their whole self.

    The main reason school friends and family members know us so well is because they are stuck with us over an extended period of time. Even co workers who tend to date/befriend each other- connecting on a real level takes time.

    If you write him, I suggest something along the lines of:

    " Hey, it's been so great getting to know you and I really loved ( list specific experience/conversation) and you are ( list specific personality trait you appreciate about him). But, I'm feeling like we are spinning our wheels at this point. Do you think we should continue to pursue this relationship? "

    If he replies 'yes' ask him why.

    If he replies to that, tell him one or two things that, again, are great about him but then something meaningful that you need out of the relationship that you are not getting .

    He may surprise you and reveal that he thought you did not want that and he had been holding it back or maybe he was taking things slow and you have given him the go-ahead to step things up to the next level.

    When you really feel you can't get anywhere, just say you don't think you can give him what he wants out of the relationship but that you'd love to keep in touch. Phone him to say

    "i'm just calling quickly to say I'm sorry it didn't work out,you're a great guy." Then get off the phone,don't drag it out

    I have dated online and had people just stop contacting me which is just mean.

    Also,no matter how thick skinned or hardened to that sort of behavior I might be becoming, it leaves me wondering if it's a 'test' or if I've done something specifically to offend them.

    I hate the thought that I may have inadvertently ended relationships with people who cared so much that they had gotten mad and were waiting for me to contact them to talk it over or who had had a tragedy which kept them from contacting me and then had lost my info' or had felt like they couldn't contact me because too much time had passed.

    I have seen a big change over the past three decades: People are getting worse and worse at treating each other humanely, accepting that we are not all the stars of our own reality shows where everyone else are merely 'bit players'.

    Being the person breaking up does not make you the bad guy, treating someone like a throw-away item does.

    If he replies to your email and continues to ask you questions, continue to reply. He deserves that as a human being and we all deserve one more person educated in the art of dating, instead of one more embittered prejudiced person added to the ranks in The battle of The Sexes.

    You'll not just be doing the right thing by him but also for yourself and for all the rest of us women/men he'll be dating in the future (;

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What Guys Said 3

  • Would you like to be broken up with by email? Do this as personally as you can. If it's too inconvenient to meet with him to break up, do it over the phone. I sympathize it's hard to break up with someone, it feels crappy, but it's nice for the other person to feel a personal connection when it happens.

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  • I think that in your circumstances, it will be fine to tell him over e-mail that you feel that you're not attracted to him and would rather be friends. That's because you guys haven't kissed or anything yet so I don't think there's anything serious going on, so no hard feelings.

    all the best(:

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  • just be honest whether you do it over the fone or in person you feel better and he will respect your honesty!

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What Girls Said 5

  • Question:Who paid for these...dinners?Would you want someone to send you an email concerning ending things with you?With all due respect, if he has spent money and time on you,the very least you can do is respect him enough to tell him face to face,or in the most personal way being that you live in iferent cities.Yeah...its nerve wracking and it sucks big time but it's necessary.Good luck.Please give an update.

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  • I think you should do it over the phone as hard as it is. However it's worse stringing him along if you really aren't interested anymore . Set him free to meet someone else and make the break up all about you and not about him that way he can go away with some dignity

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  • Since it seems that you mainly communicated via phone, I think it would be nice if you could bring yourself to tell him on the phone. Of course it isn't easy, but it's the nicest way probably. He might have a few questions and I think you should be there to answer them for him. If you really can't bring yourself to do this on the phone, send him a letter. I can't tell you what to write, because I'm not sure how you feel. But be honest, not rude or mean or anything, but don't sugarcoat sh*t.

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  • Are you two just dating or in a relationship? If you are in a relationship do it through skype at least. If you are just dating him then you just don't answer his calls for a while and then tell him that you're just not interested anymore through the phone.

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  • Yes that's fine. Do what comes naturally. Its not like you have been dating or are exclusive. Not much history either.

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