Is It Important To Share Your Past With Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

I don't really like to talk about when I was younger because my childhood wasn't the best and it's depressing. I'm single right now but there might be a possibility of a future relationship with someone. I don't mean to worry about the future so much, but if we do start a relationship is it going to be inevitable to talk about my history? I usually end up breaking down when I do and I don't like it at all.

I've moved on from the bad things and I'm learning not to dwell on them. But there are things from my past that affect me still... like why I'm so tense and nervous around my father.

Is it really important to tell our sad stories?

If we get together or even become good friends will I end up having to tell him?

  • Yes it's important to tell him/her eventually. They need to know.
    40% (36)51% (26)44% (62)Vote
  • No, it's best to keep the past in the past. No matter how serious you get.
    9% (8)12% (6)10% (14)Vote
  • That just depends, if they ask you should tell them, if they don't, then you don't have to say anything.
    51% (46)37% (19)46% (65)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I can totally relate. I went through a very tumultuous and abusive childhood. I was beaten, raped, drug user parents, had a lot of horrible things happen. But the way I look at it now is, I'm still here right? I made it. I'm a strong woman and I shouldn't be embarrassed because none of my mishaps back then were my fault. I should be proud that I could overcome the struggles I did.

    Honesty is the foundation of relationships. Eventually, not early on, I mean like several months in or whenever you and your significant other get to that level of trust. Share what molded you into the strong, wise person you are.

    My boyfriend knows my fears, my insecurities, why I am scared to see my father like you. You don't need to go into gruesome detail. if it bothers you, you should just respectfully say, you know, my childhood wasn't the best. I went through a lot of difficult things, I don't particularly like to look back on it. Put a positive spin on it, be optimistic about your future and confident in who you are and what you can accomplish. There's no way someone could view that mindset negatively.

    It's not about where your from BUT where your GOING. Yes, you should eventually open up. Good luck to you :).

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    • I'm so sorry those things happened to you. I am so glad you over came them too. I have, for the most part, but there are still some things I have trouble with. Thank you for your advice.

What Guys Said 9

  • Unless the past is actively affecting the present (still married, spousal support, kids, co-signed loans, emotional issues, etc.), then I don't care about a girl's past and don't really need to talk about it. I usually don't offer a huge amount of information about my past either, though I'm willing to answer questions if she asks. It's not that I have anything to hide, but rather, it isn't relevant.

    I've had GFs in the past, but I'm not with them anymore, so they aren't relevant to any new relationship.

    Again, if you have an issue that's still resonating today (say, abuse in the past that is still actively affecting you), then THAT is probably something you should make known somewhat early in the relationship. I don't mean the first date or anything, I mean after you've gotten to know him, but before you have sex, or before you move in together or make any major commitment to each other.

    Otherwise, keep it to yourself unless specifically asked, and then, tell the truth. If someone is dumb enough to ask questions that they can't handle the answers to, then it's best you know that early on. Life has it's tough, stressful times, and if a guy can't handle that stuff, he's only going to be worse when those tough times come.

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  • Talking about your history will

    -help you to get rid of sad souvenirs

    -help your friend or husband to react in a good way, eventually avoiding errors which might hurt you.

    You don't need to talk if you feel it's too private. Anyone is entitled to a past.

    I'd say that IF you have no problems with what happened, talk or don't about it, as much as you feel adequate.

    IF you have problems with what happened , then, by all means, talk, share it.

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    • " sad souvenirs"= sad memories, of course, sorry (contamination error by switching from another language)

  • I've never, ever seen someone bring up the past trying to strengthen and improve the relationship; people doing that let their partners choose the pace of their disclosures, to give them freedom and control over the experience. It's her past, not mine, so she should be telling me what she wants me to know, when she wants me to know it, instead of the other way round.

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  • More mystery, less history. The past is over.

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  • I do agree with you have to tell them eventually. I do have a more... Emotionally draining past as well. It in some cases it does help explain with your emotions sometimes. I do find that I Have random moments where it is near impossible to even be anywhere near happy because of sh*t that's happen. So it is an idea to let him know some of the story and not all until your ready. It will bring you closer to them aswell. Its what I did and it has helped the fundaments of my relationship. I only hope it could possibly help yours to. May not be the full story but only a little might be all you need before you feel ready to open up.

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    • I'm sorry about your past and I can completely relate. Sometimes I get so depressed and it takes a lot for me to be happy again. But I've managed it better now for the most part.

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    • TiddlyDeeBaby? I think I know who that is... would I be right?

  • Of course it's important. Telling your past gives them a better understanding at who you or how you came to be the you that you are today. Understanding and communication is ALWAYS key to a truly healthy relationship. And if he really cares about you, he'll help you deal through anything and ya.

    What happened? O.o if you don't mind me asking. Actually scratch that. If it's so bleh better not to bother if it'll upset ya.

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    • I guess so, just tough to talk about sometimes. I messaged you what happened pretty much.

  • If they ask, then yes. If not, live and let die.

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    • okay, sounds good to me :)

  • its important to at least know why they broke up and how much they liked or loved each other.

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  • B...there is a reason for calling it "Past"!

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What Girls Said 12

  • It depends..Talk about the good times and happy times, then yes.

    Every now and then, if it comes up tell them about something sad. But, not out of the blue.

    Really, only tell them the sad/bad things if they ask.

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  • You know, when you find yourself in a serious, long-term relationship and become emotionally intimate, you may be in a state to comfortably share anything about your past, including the not so pleasant moments. You can choose to keep that info private, it is your right. However, at the same time, I wish that you do find someone who can make you content to talk about yourself on all levels. You don't have to be obligated to though, especially in the initial stages of a relationship.

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  • I don't care how serious my relationship gets.. If they doesn't ask, I won't say anything. Unless, it impacts the way I act and such but I won't give them too much details.

    Some people will try to use your past against you. I rather not have that happen to me again. So, silence is golden.

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    • I'm sorry that happened to you at all.

  • Just my personal opinion, but I think it would be beneficial if partners did share their past, especially if it had such an impact on them, like yours seems to. I know it's not easy to talk about it sometimes (it's like an instant waterfall when you talk about it), but that just indicates that it still, to some extent, causes you emotional distress. If you're still struggling with something, and you are serious with someone, sometimes sharing those experiences can help you two become closer. At least, that's what I think.

    Our past says a lot about who we are. I know my past is what made me who I am today, and it's something that's important to me (not the past itself, but addressing the same issues in today's world). It's something I'd want to share with my partner BECAUSE it's important to me. And whether they accept my past or not will tell me whether I can really tolerate being with them.

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    • Well it's just the guy I'm talking to he doesn't like drama and I don't either. I don't think he'd really mind if I told him but I would mind because I know he doesn't like stuff like that. Anyway, I really appreciate your advice and you have some good points. I think my past will always bother me but that's why I don't want to address it.

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    • It's good to let the emotions roll out, at least in my opinion. Everyone is different, but in my experience, if you just bottle it up, it only gets worse. By addressing it, I meant perhaps speaking to a counselor, if you're comfortable doing so.

      Whatever you decide, though, I hope things get better for you.

    • thanks I hope so too.

  • no..i think past is past. and I have got the best bf... he never pesters me with questions about my ex boyfriend or anything. he is pretty cool and ""ï live in the present" type of a guy.

    and I have some friends. they told their bfs about their ex and everything they did with their ex. now these bfs use this information during fights and arguments. people generally don't have the decency to respect someone's past. my life's experience says this

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  • I can't imagine not sharing my stories with my boyfriend. I don't feel like I'm obligated to, but it always makes me feel good to be so open with him. It seems to bring us closer.

    So that's what it comes down to, I think. It's certainly not your duty to tell him, but know that there are definitely benefits to sharing and being able to confide in him with something you're usually not comfortable talking about.

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  • just enough to let them know why you are who you are, you don't have to tell them every little detail.

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  • now that I read all these answers I realize you meant relationship history... I thought you meant like if you were abused as a child! :o I was like "That poor girl!"

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    • um, actually I don't mean realtionship history per say. I mean the issues I have growing up with not the greatest father.

    • ohhh. so I was sort of right. well if you really like him, you should probably tell him later on if you think it's getting serious.

  • If you're relationship is long term and serious, you shouldn't wait for them to ask to tell them about your past relationships. If you want them to know you personally then tell them! If its just a casual relationship then there's no need

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  • There are some things which are personal and private to me and I would rather keep it that way. I don't believe in the concept of baring our souls. because in truth no one does that.

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  • I think it is important to know, even if its just small pieces, as it enplanes who you are today. Me and my boyfriend grew up in very different home environments, and have different ways in reacting because of it.

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  • When you're ready and whenever you feel comfortable,then talk about it with them.You don't have to tell them everything,if you don't end up feeling comfortabl with talking to them about your past,it doesn't' matter,I'm sure they would be understanding and would still love you regardless of what you do and do not tell them.

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