Do you think I should've paid?

I've been on like 8 or 9 dates with this guy now. Every time we've gone out he always pays for everything. I think he ended up paying like at least $70 on me last time we went out. So, tonight we went out to eat, I insisted that I pay. I don't really have a lot of money though since I'm still in college, and he has a real job so he makes like substantially more than me. He said he would "let me pay this time" you think I should have let him pay or did I do the right thing?


Most Helpful Guy

  • First date rules:

    Post first, second, and third wave feminism, we have learned that women are people too, that they are just as capable as men at working and earning a living, and they are no longer to be thought of as hungry prostitutes looking to leech off of the highest providing bidder. Therefore, as you would expect, men are still socially required to pay for the first date. Obviously, it's not as strait forward as that, because that would make most women feel guilty.

    Instead, something more indirect - hence, easier to emotionally digest - is "whoever asks pays." That's fair right? I mean, it's not like 99% of the time, the man will be the one asking, and hence, that social rule might as well read: "the man pays, 99% of the time."

    But, men are generally content with this tiny concession, because they typically expect that any inequality in financial contributions towards the relationship will be balanced in future dates (she'll pay there, I'll pay here, she'll balance it out, etc.)

    Will a guy be offended if you don't let him pay? No. If he is, run. He's a loser, he has problems. Will he take it the wrong way? Only if it's the first date. Here are the typical first date mechanics when the bill comes:

    1. Server gives the bill to the man

    2. The man reaches for his money

    3. The woman pretends to offer to pay, even though she is just waiting for the guy to insist on paying for her, so, she's not really offering

    Now, if the man is a moron (socially), he'll take the girl up on her offer, in which case the girl will feel furious about being called out on her bluff, and will have to pretend to have been completely honest in making her offer to pay in good faith, and when reconciling what just happened, she'll just label the guy as cheap. If the man is socially aware, he'll insist on paying, and after a very short-lived "are you sure?" from the woman, he'll end up paying.

    Now, if the girl insists on paying, only when we're talking about the first date, the guy will reasonably take it the wrong way. He'll think she's just not interested in him. She's a good girl, he'll think, and she doesn't want to take advantage of me or use me for free food or my money, she has a heart, and in order to not feel guilty for accepting anything from me despite knowing full well she has no interest in me, she's rejecting anything I'm offering her and insisting that she doesn't leave here feeling like she's used me, mislead me, or taken advantage of me in any way. I get the message, I appreciate that, and with that said, we should part ways and move on to greener pastures.


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What Guys Said 6

  • Second date rules:

    There's no rule that you have to pay half. Even when guys say "the girl should pay half" or "I shouldn't have to be the only one paying," that's not what they really mean. I mean, that's what they really mean, but it's not. O.o

    What men are really TRYING to say, but don't understand themselves, is that they don't want to be contributing financially to the relationship in an unfair and unequal way. Notice the conjunctive connector (AND) there. Sure, something may be unequal, but if it's not "unfair," it really won't bother nearly all men.

    One such example is when the guy is working, and the girl isn't. Working, not like at Burger King, but at a real job $45,000+ a year. Or, even if both of them are working, let's say the guy is making $160,000+ a year, and the girl is only making $78,000 a year, if they're not paying "equally," is that necessarily "unfair'? Now, that doesn't give license to expect the man to pay for everything, but it does mean that "unequal" payment alone is not necessarily "unfair."

    Guys WANT to be appreciated and respected, and DON'T want to be used financially. So, as a very broad and general abstract principle, if you make a man feel unappreciated, disrespected, and used financially, you can start kissing that relationship goodbye.

    So, when the second date rolls around, the guy is definitely on guard to prevent himself from being disrespected and used. He wants to see if the woman will respect him enough to try to be fair herself without him having to insist. In fact, most men will just stop dating a girl rather than insist on her being financially fair. However, those same fairness considerations are going to come into play.


    Same as the second date, only here, time becomes an issue (in terms of number of dates). Say you only have $2,000 a year of disposable money you can spend on whatever you want, and he only has $8,000 after all of his necessary expenses, to spend on whatever he wants. That's your disposable money. You still have no job, but you still have disposable money, and he makes $28,000 a year, and has only $8,000 of disposable money the whole year.

    Date 1, he paid. Date 2 he paid. Now, let's say Date 8 rolls around and he pays again. What do you think should happen on Date 9? What about Date 10? What happens if you don't pay? All his disposable money pays for dating, and you have all your disposable money to spend on whatever you want. Fair?

    Even if he insists and tries to act like the man, you should override his insisting. Men are too afraid of being labeled (even if wrongfully) "cheap" to be perfectly honest about telling you how they feel: specifically about feeling used or that you're being financially unfair. So, use your judgment.

  • I think in general you should offer him to pay half. It shouldn't be a you pay or he pays thing. It's nice of him to cover the bill especially since he makes more money than you, but I don't like the idea that he is "buying" your affection. 50/50 is best

  • You did the right thing by paying this last time. Every few dates a woman should pay when the tab is low.

  • to be honest us guys don't mind paying most of the time (pride thing haha) but its nice to not have to pay all the time also.

  • show some appreciation by cooking for him sometimes

  • Usually you don't have to pay for it all. If you're offering to pay half and half sometimes he'll appreciate that from you because at least you're trying, and even then he still might pay for it all anyways.


What Girls Said 1

  • He said no, so you did the right thing. Don't argue with a man over insisting to pay. There are some guys who actually enjoy treating a woman out that they're interested in and may take it as a rejection or let down if you don't let him. he may get the impression that you're not as interested, or doubt his ability to afford it. Sounds like this guy likes you and wants to impress you so why not let him? Enjoy your time with him and don't stress over paying.