Right pacing in dating?

Hi - have been going out with a girl for a few months in San Fran. Her past 3-4 relationships haven't gone well, so she wants to take things gradually. She has reiterated a few times that she is interested but also has a busy work schedule. I'm struggling to find the right balance between making myself available (one of her past issues was that guys are not serious/only available sporadically plus I do believe myself that dating involves effort by both sides to spend time together) - but at the same time, not appearing "desperate" (since she likes the fact that guys have their own interests & life and doesn't want to feel that her own independence is lost by serious dating). Any advice?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Yeah...it sounds like she has a box she wants to fit the next guy into based on her past bad choices in men. She has been pressured and pushed by a lot of guys in the past. All that she has told you so far...could be her way of saying she's not interested in a serious relationship with YOU. Most of the time...girls with high interest level (romantic interest level) don't make excuses...or talk about wanting space or independence. Normally if they really like a guy...they can't seem to get enough of him. As long as you don't text or call her daily just to chat, and instead call her once a week to ask her out...then you should have to right balance of interest level...without seeming desparate. Her past relationships have nothing to do with you...and should not be used as an excuse to justify her behavior. Its been a few months...she's either in or out. There shouldn't be any grey area by now. I'm guessing you should have had at least 8-10 dates in by now...and she should have asked to be your girlfriend by now.

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    • Thanks for the thoughtful response. Yes, 8-10 dates; tough given her work schedule (Finance) . Have had conversations about where things stand but still a grey area for her. And based on these convos, not at the BF/GF stage. I genuinely like her & want to be respectful of her approach (given that she says she's interested), but tough spot to be in! Claims she isn't dating anyone else (I'm definitely not).

    • Dude..I'm hope she's just not using you to finance her dinners and good times on Friday and Saturday nights! If I were in your shoes I would (non-verbally) let her know that if she can't make a decision on the relationship very soon...then you're gone. Don't let your high interest level keep you from seeing reality. Watch her actions...not her words.

    • Yes, agree I need to give myself a reality check. We unexpectedly ran into one of her friends earlier this week & I was introduced as a 'friend' (I'd have thought that I'd at least qualify as a 'date')! No, we've been alternating checks - I was clear on this from the beginning - so I'm not solely financing dinners/nights out.

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