5 year online relationship. Do you think it's over for me? I don't know what to think anymore, I'm losing it...

I am married, & have a kid with the guy. Things have sucked between us for years, & even with me trying to fix things, nothing ever gotten better. I didn't look for anyone else, since that wasn't even an option for me... but 5 years ago, I met a guy on a game I played. We hit it off, talking every chance we had. We both ended up confessing our love to each other months later. Continued to wrap all our time in each other (I mean all day, into the nite, & next day sort of thing). He lives in another country, & is in the military, he was deployed for a time, but we stayed close, & it probably made us even closer, since his real life friends forgot about him, but I always there. We have talked for years about me moving to be with him, even though we didn't meet in person yet. But it never happened. He was afraid of coming here since he thought I would only spend a little bit of time with him, but I couldn't go there, because I couldn't risk my husband finding out, then losing my son once the relationship was over. We were so close, I considered him my best friend, on top of him being the love of my life. We know things about each other that no one else knows, and have both saved each other from suicide at one time or another. We got into a fight a month and a half ago, & he ended it (something he seemed to do monthly, since the situation was killing him). He told me not to text him, and if I didn't hear from him, to get the picture. I couldn't deal with it, & continued to text him off and on, confessing my love, apologizing for the hurtful things I said after he ended it, letting him know that I missed him. He didn't respond the whole time. His birthday came up, I called and text him to wish him well, but he still didn't reply. I text him after it had been a month, he finally responded, told me he thought it was something he needed to do, but he didn't really give me any explanation for anything, just told me that he will contact me when he is ready, but right now he is just focused on his training. I asked him if he has a found someone else, he told me "I'll tell you if I do". I have been so depressed & constantly fantasizing about killing myself, & he knows all about the depression problem that I have. I've expressed that I am not dealing with losing him well at all, miss him so much that I would deal with just being friends. Three days after his text, I get a text at one a.m. It was a link to one of our songs "goodbye my lover". One we both would always play when we would split. I asked him why he sent that, and he responded with "why are you there?", I said "huh?" and he replied with "why can't you move on? Do I have to die for you to move on?" "sorry, I'm in a mood". Then told me I should be flattered since it is his last text, & I'll be richer (since he put me on his insurance to receive money if he dies). I call him in the morning to make sure he is OK. he says "it was a drunk text" & not to waist my time, Because he isn't reading my text. WTF?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm young so I may not fully comprehend the situation, but in a blunt yet honest fashion listen to my opinion as I read the entirety of your post and concluded my thoughts on this.

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    Problem 1) You met online. The world is yours to control online, be anyone and do anything.

    Solution 1) It would be better to keep relationships more physical (as in you can meet up with them). It solidifies a relationship and strengthens its foundations- and in your state of mind (as you willingly said you have depression issues) this would benefit you having plenty of contact.

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    Problem 2) You're similar minded. As in you both have a similar state of mind, depressive and seemingly borderline destructive depressive behavior (seeing as you considered suicide and have done in the past).

    Solution 2) Go to some form of rehab, get cognitive therapy to balance your mindset and remove suicidal tendancies. This will give you more control of your emotional state and can view a situation better than what you would if your emotions spiked in a depressive episode.

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    You need time away from him, the game and time to regain your standard. I may be coming across as quite blunt but this is a way I deal with things like this. I admit I've not been depressed, most likely borderline at one time and this is how I dealt with it.

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    Don't think too much about his drunken words; it's better to talk when he's sober. If he has done the above, get it ammeded; it could cause problems.

    I can't really say much more.

    To finalise---

    1) Get to Rehab for depression and get it sorted out.

    2) End it with this person, the situation is too unstable and could cause you to relive the bad memories and slip into a depressive state again.

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    I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, this is my own personal opinion and should not be viewed as be all end all.

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    • Thank you for your honesty. You are very insightful, and speak very eloquent. I didn't have enough room to give all of the details about the situation I'm living in, so I know it seems like I'm living in a fantasy world... and in some ways I am. I do have BPD, and I have actually gotten all the help I can afford for it, since the best help I can get for it, is way out of my reach as far as cost wise. Thank you for your words. You are wise beyond your years.

    • You're welcome.

      If I can recommend anything else, you're parents are always a constant support net for you in life. They will know you more than I do and will be able to help you more. And perhaps getting a job to save up for the best treatments will keep your mind busy instead of leaning towards the bad thoughts.

      Thankyou for the kind words and all the best.

What Guys Said 2

  • Maybe you should think about the fact that you don't really know him and can't really love him because you don't know anything about him other than what he tells you. 5 years is a long time to be fixed on someone but it is ridiculously long to be fixed on someone you never meet. Move on, try to work on your mariage, think of your options in terms of the future but base them on reality and not people in computer games.

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  • for starters, what you are doing is wrong. You are married with a kid for god's sake. I can't even believe you are doing all this behind is back, that is incredibly wrong! Your relationship with the guy in Europe isn't even real. Its a virtual non-existent relationship. For all you know, he has a few of those, or already has a girl out there. Instead of finding an emotional escape in a non existent relationship, you should be focusing inward on your REAL relationship!

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    • I was unable to give all the details of the situation, so there is a little bit more to the story. I know what I'm doing is wrong, because I grew up in a very conservative family, so cheating is against my beliefs. My husband did things behind my back while deployed in south America, & only told me about a few once he got back. He stayed disconnected from me, then four years later finally came clean about what he had done, after looking at me in the eyes for four years, and telling me he didn't.

What Girls Said 3

  • 1. You met online and never met in real life not once, you don't know how he is in real life. Video chatting is different. stop saying that you know him when you haven't met him in person yet.

    2. You need to be taking care of your child instead of playing games online and meeting men.

    3. You re so selfish to a point that you don't even feel guilty about the fact that your neglecting your son and you husband and focusing on what you want, and not even what your online guy wants. No just YOU.

    4. Stop texting a man who doesn't reply for a month and has no problem letting this "5 year online relationship" go. If he really loves you as you say then he wouldn't be ending this so easily and he would fight for you just like you would fight for him. Yea?

    5. Who has a SPLIT song? You serious... You re so dramatic and you re living in a box with one door.. You have plenty of doors in life.. You created this image of this man you ve never met, thinking it will turn into a love story and live happily ever after. And you re convinced that its either this or I'll kill myself... How is that fair to your husband and most importantly your son. Snap out off this BUBBLE you re living in.. This is reality not a movie.

    6. You need to focus on your husband and your son. They are real. And if you are so unhappy in your marriage, end it. Don't go sneaking around meeting men online or whatever that's just cheap and not fair. You wouldn't like your husband doing that to you regardless.

    7. How about you consider this as a chance to let this go and focus on what's important in your life.

    8. Please seek help and go to rehab.

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  • am I the only one that see A LOT of red flags in this story? here's the thing online you never know who you love especially not when you met on an online game, he might still be character while talking to you. you are putting him first in your life which is wrong since you got a kid that should be your number one priority and you should live for him and not thinking of killing yourself for a man you never met. I did see a documentry about this once, about a woman that had a husband and a couple of kids and she sat up all night playing an virtual reality online game and had a virtual reality husband that she was madly in love with and he was madly in love with her. she lived in the states and he lived in the UK she left her family to go and see him, and they met and they hardly said anything to each other it was awkward to watch. she returned to the states and she felt so dumb that she had travelled all that way to meet someone and left her family behind and that was the end of it. I would say stop talking to him and focus on getting better and spend time with your son and don't play anymore online games for a while live in the real world and enjoy life :)

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  • I agree with HeroOfVillans. It's easy to get swept away in an online fantasy. You really have no idea if this guy is even telling you the truth, and you have never met him to know if those feelings would transfer in to real life.

    My dad is actually having an online affair with a woman right now. It's ridiculous, and I am pretty close to taking the computer and hucking it out the window.

    I know it seems amazing, and that this guy is truly something special. But you are married, and you have real life issues to deal with.

    I'm not trying to demean your feelings about this guy, because they seem very real. But the fact is, this guy could be feeding you all sorts of lies that it's not even funny.

    First and foremost, deal with your real life relationship first. I'm not saying you have to stay, I'm just saying deal with whatever problems are going on in your marriage. It's only fair to your husband and child to put them first. If you want out of your marriage, then get a divorce, let your husband find someone who is committed to him and wants to make the relationship work.

    You need to be honest with your husband, because this is a huge issue. Sneaking around is not going to make it easier, in fact, it will make it worse in the long run because now he can't trust you.

    I think you guys need to get some counselling and start unravelling the issues. Your husband is not innocent either, there are obviously some issues within your marriage that are going on for you to go to an online fantasy world.

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