What are the biggest red flags that a guy is not available and hiding it?

i stopped dating a guy I suspected was taken, and some of my friends have been in similar situations.

this list is based off all our experiences. do you think these are good signs that we should have been careful about/signs of a guy who is not really single?

or tell me if any of these are not things to worry about

i know some of these could also just be that he is "dating" other women or not that serious about you but not necessarily committed to someone else.

i'm looking for signs that show he is committed.

and add more signs and things to be careful of.

1) he has a Facebook account but won't let you add him as a friend

2) he texts more than calls

3) when you do talk on the phone it is only a certain time of day

4) he disappears at similar times of day

5) he seems to have a lot of excuses and explanations for things

6) he disappears for hours on end at least every few weeks

7) you haven't met any of his friends or family (I know this can also be because he isn't serious about you long term)

8) you don't go out at nights or weekends

9) when you talk on the phone it is during the day

10) he won't take you to his place, especially if he does want sex

11) your dates have not been hours on end or if they are he makes it seem very "Special"

12) he cancels or postpones plans more than once or twice in a few months time

13) he will pay you sweet little visits randomly but not make any big plans

14) he is often last minute

15) you never go out in his neighborhood

16) you usually talk but there are times here and there that he is not around

17)biggest one, you just suspect him and don't trust him!

when I say hiding something, I mean that the guy is probably already in a relationship, living with somebody, engaged, married, etc.

18) it's been more than a month and he hasn't "tried hard" to get sex but is very pushy to do things like make out and grope and all the things you can do easily without going to a house or room

because I know there is a lot of scum out there, who will cheat and lie about it


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I found your list interesting, so much so that I'm going to break it down point by point.

    1) he has a Facebook account but won't let you add him as a friend

    I will NEVER add a girl I don't know that well, including one I'm dating to my Facebook page. There is simply no benefit in doing so. She learns way too much, way too quickly and it can only be used as a source of further questions and possibly even stalking.

    2) he texts more than calls

    Some of us prefer to text more than call. Although I like to call, I work a lot during the week. Texts are short because I have a job and that means I can't talk most of the time.

    3) when you do talk on the phone it is only a certain time of day

    Most people have set schedules if they work or go to school.

    4) he disappears at similar times of day

    Once again, see the above answer.

    5) he seems to have a lot of excuses and explanations for things

    This is kind of vague. Excuses or explanations for what? Please explain more.

    6) he disappears for hours on end at least every few weeks

    Some people don't need to be in touch constantly. If you feel the need to be in touch without an occasional long pause, then you should talk to your guy. If he doesn't have a reason why, then that might be cause for concern.

    7) you haven't met any of his friends or family (I know this can also be because he isn't serious about you long term)

    After a few months of regular dating, a girl can meet my friends. There's no chance she'll meet my family anytime soon. You'd have to be something really special for that to happen. Don't assume he has fallen for you before he actually has or will.

    8) you don't go out at nights or weekends

    Weekends are mostly guy time in my house. We all work and the weekend is when we're usually off. Now, after a couple of months, I don't mind hanging out with a girlfriend on nights or weekends. Still, until I know she's something special, my friends come first. They've been with me longer than any girl.

    9) when you talk on the phone it is during the day

    As opposed to guys who only talk on the phone during the night, they only want a booty call? This makes no sense whatsoever.

    10) he won't take you to his place, especially if he does want sex

    He could live with room mates, parents, a bad neighborhood, etc. I don't invite girls over to where I live until we've gone out several times. Most people are normal, but on the off chance I land myself a psycho chick, I'm not showing her where I live. If he's been over to your place a few times though, it is fine for you to expect him to return the favor and invite you over in return.

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    • thanks, I liked hearing this a lot. I personally think he just wasn't serious about me and didn't want to let me into his life and maybe just wanted sex, but my friend put the idea in my head that he's married even though I did some snooping and don't think he is. I think he is a secretive person and manipulative but not married. but, he wanted to have sex in a hotel since I live with my family. that's what bothered me most.

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    • i did. this was my first time being in a situation like this and I guess my strong attraction for him and my infatuation kept me going, especially since I have been single for a while and it was nice to have someone. I didn't realize I would get so attached I guess, especially because we weren't even sleeping together.

    • Attachment and attraction aren't a choice. You can't control your emotions. You can, however, back away from whomever you're seeing and ask yourself the questions and answers I've posted in this page and see a guy has potential or not for the long-term. Once again, it never hurts to ask if he's the type to become exclusive. It doesn't mean he'll be telling the truth 100% of the time, as some guys lie, but he at least knows what kind of girl you are. If he's the right one for you, great!

What Guys Said 2

  • 11) your dates have not been hours on end or if they are he makes it seem very "Special"

    Once again, some of us work. Hours on end doesn't play nice with an 80 hour work week, not to mention my other social life. Still, I'll have a long date every once in a while if I think the girl is special. She has to be bringing something to the table in return. Why does she believe she needs special treatment? Is she providing the same in return?

    12) he cancels or postpones plans more than once or twice in a few months time

    Once again, guys that are stable have active social lives, jobs and families which all demand time. I've canceled multiple times in the same month if a date didn't work out in my schedule. The men you want to date have other things going on in their lives BESIDES you. That is, unless you want a really needy guy that is hanging on your every word.

    13) he will pay you sweet little visits randomly but not make any big plans

    Big plans for what?

    14) he is often last minute

    That's just being rude or lacking proper ability to make a schedule in advance. If you guy does this on you, talk to him and let him know you appreciate setting things up prior to the night of the actual event.

    15) you never go out in his neighborhood

    Once again, does he live in a good neighborhood? He might be embarrassed that he lives there. He might also feel you don't feel safe there. After a while, he shouldn't mind telling you where he lives if he continues to date you, but don't jump to conclusions.

    16) you usually talk but there are times here and there that he is not around

    Once again, making yourself totally available to a girl is a bad idea. Girls, despite your protests to the contrary, respond best when you hold back at least a little bit.

    17)biggest one, you just suspect him and don't trust him!

    when I say hiding something, I mean that the guy is probably already in a relationship, living with somebody, engaged, married, etc.

    If you don't trust someone, by all means, stop dating them. There's no point if you feel a guy is untrustworthy.

    18) it's been more than a month and he hasn't "tried hard" to get sex but is very pushy to do things like make out and grope and all the things you can do easily without going to a house or roo

    Both guys and girls work at different paces when it comes to getting physical. That's no indicator as to whether or not he has a girlfriend.

    The best judge as to whether or not a man is trustworthy is how much information he volunteers WITHOUT YOU ASKING once you've gone out for several months. You're not going to get that up front, so if you expect it, you'll assume every guy is cheating on some girlfriend that may or may not exist. Wait and don't rush, that will serve you better.

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    • thanks for your help! it's been 3 months now. he does have a busy job and his own business and he travels throughout the city a lot for work, during the day. a lot of times he ends up near my area, so we go out together in the afternoon when he finishes his meetings. as I said below I just found it very fishy that he wanted sex, knows my house is a problem but would not bring me to his (but says he has his own) I can't find a real explanation for that. he definitely is "hard to get" though.

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    • his house is not so close. often we meet in the center of the city which is kind of a halfway point for both of us. it's not like I ever told him I want to come but I guess I just felt that any guy who wants sex and knows the girl can't do it at her place would suggest his unless there was some reason, without the girl having to ask. but you are right, I am not happy with him anymore, but it all sucks, because I liked him a lot and it's hard to let go at the same time.

    • We've all been there at on point or another. I was dating a girl for three months that refused to hang out with any of my friends, people she had never met before. To me, that just sent off red flags galore. A girl that snubs my friends or is anti-social won't be able to hang with me for long. It was a shame, as she was very beautiful, smart and a very talented professional musician, but at the same time, she had some issues. You just have to keep moving on.

  • Wow.. you're really into it, a deep, deep analysis.

    You can sum it all in a one sentence: " He does not pay you enough attention. "

    Girls love attention, especially from guys they're into. And ever guy who have at least half a brain knows it.

    When you're available & interested - you will make it clear, you'll always find time, you'll make an effort to make it work. A simple truth.

    It applies to both options, not just guy-to-girl like your case but also girl-to-guy.

    ..if the person you're interested in doesn't seem to give you proper amount of attention or/and doesn't really care whether or not this all gonna work, that is your red flag. It doesn't matter what is the reason - uninterested, unavailable or playing games, in that case you run!

    Far away.

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    • yes. but even more than the attention, it boils down to the fact that he isn't committed to me. a lot of these things could be signs that a guy is taken but they could also be a guy who just doesn't want to let the girl into his life or make a commitment to her but have her around. that's what I think he is. he was giving me way more attention until recently.

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    • he would lie about it

    • Then you shouldn't even consider anything serious in the first place. There is nothing without trust.

      But if you feel like you can't trust someone particular then don't even begin with that person.

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