How on earth do I justify my total lack of dating and sexual experience?

Truth is: I'm in my mid-20s, there's someone I'm interested in, and I have ZERO experience with boys. I've been on dates, hit on, asked out etc. but it never amounted to anything sexual.

I was a shy and chubby kid, felt ashamed of my body, got bullied loads, well, you get the idea. It took me YEARS to improve my self-esteem, and had to get professional help (psychotherapy). I guess I was a late bloomer! The good thing is: I actually feel OK with myself. I accept myself for who I am and I know I got lots to offer. But I got so much to catch up on!



I feel different in comparison to girls my age. Can you guys please give me some advice on what to say to my (first!) potential boyfriend in order to explain the situation and my lack of experience? I really don't wanna come across as a weirdo or a hermit, I've simply had a messed-up childhood and adolescence...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Just relax and enjoy the moment when it happens. Ask for a back or neck rub to help you loose the stress. Enjoying the moment isn't about worrying about techniques or tips, but rather just spending time with someone you really enjoy in a close fashion. Your body will take over at some point and you'll just enjoy it.

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    • Thank you for your comment! :)

      Problem is: I feel weird because I can't do anything and I'm scared he'll notice I'm not 'good'... so I kinda want him to know that I'm inexperienced BEFORE we do anything so he won't expect much and I can feel free to 'mess up' :)

      I just don't know how to phrase all that! :(

    • Ask that special someone to give you a neck rub. Tell him you're really stressed and would like him to help you relax. He's with you for a reason. If you like him, you have to trust him enough to let him get you through it. Once again, a nice rub down works on any girl to help her unwind. ;)

What Guys Said 7

  • kheserthorpe has it right: just let him know that you were shy and a late bloomer and you've finally gotten comfortable with yourself and are ready to date. Most guys will shrug, say, "okay", and never think about it again. Or they'll remember occasionally and remember to be more gentle and less demanding of you, knowing that it's new to you.

    No guy worth being with is going to make any big deal about it, or expect some huge justification.

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  • What is there to "justify"?

    You don't have to have a certain amount of experience by the time you reach a certain age.

    Plus, you are definitely not alone. Search for questions with similar topics, here in GirlsAskGuys. They are being asked every day. Your situation is much more common and normal than you think it is.

    Anyways, coming back to the topic: Like kheserthrope said, you can just state that you are a late bloomer, and move on. No explanation required.

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  • Just say 'I was a late bloomer'.

    If he pries I'd say that you were chubby, and finally dealt with that, and then had to get comfortable with actually NOT being chubby and ... well now you're enjoying dating.

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  • You don't have to "justify" yourself to a guy (or anyone for that matter). We all go through different things in our lives that makes us who we are. You're a "late bloomer", so what, it is what it is. If a potential mate / S/O can't accept that, then NEXT them IMO.

    There's a flip side to it, what if you were "attractive" (by society's standards), and still thought the way some of us do on a daily basis? Do you think a person would have a different experience level than the one they currently have? I don't think so.

    "Everything I'm not made me who I am"

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  • What ever you do do not say that last sentence! Messed up childhood is like a bomb siren to men.

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    • LOL! I understand, I wasn't going to tell the guy after a 3 or 4 dates... but what if it's someone I've known for a while? Does it still sound like a 'bomb siren'? I want to be honest, but I don't want to scare the guy off!

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    • Makes sense, probably best to give a more vague answer.

    • Just tell them dating wasn't really that important to you when you were younger and you had other things to deal with.

  • I think you should just tell him exactly what you've said here. If he's emotionally mature enough, he'll be able to handle it with gentleness and compassion. Honesty about your feelings is the best policy, and guys really appreciate it (unless what you share gets in the way of his selfish desires, in which case he is not worth your beautiful self). By telling him the truth he will have the information he needs to move forward in the relationship in a healthy way. And you will know how to proceed based on his reaction to your truth.

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  • Why should he expect that you have sexual experience? What if someone actually saves them self for the right person? Maybe that wasn't your reason, but I don't think everyone should just expect that you have sexual experience.

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    • True, but I guess most people would imagine a 20 smtg year old to have some kind of dating experience, would they not? They can't expect anything, that's true, but they will probably assume that I do have at least a little bit of experience.

What Girls Said 2

  • You don't have to explain it. Simply tell him exactly what you told us here and you'll be fine:)

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  • it's really not that weird. Not everyone is sleeping with lots of people before their 20's. just tell him that you're not very experienced. if he's a good guy, he won't mind at all.

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