I just don't know what to do...

I let myself develop deep, deep feelings for someone...who already has a girlfriend...normally it would have been , "Oh well, he's taken. Next!" but not this time. This time, my feelings took over me. Whether or not I was going to try to break them up was never an issue, and still isn't. That's not who I am, and I will never attempt such a selfish act. So, I told him how I felt, but also told him that I'm not looking to sabotage anything and then we continued to be his friend as usual...

But here's where it gets a little trickier...I'm very, very sure that he has strong feelings for me too. And I'm not saying this because of how I feel for him. There are definite signs. (before I go on, I want to say that I have NOT 'thrown myself' at him or anything like that...in fact, I have told him again and again that I want him and his girlfriend to remain together) He wants to spend a lot of time with me, he's always texting me, sometimes late into the night, he is playful, flirtatious and subtly touchy feely with me, (not like "groping" or anything) and tons of other basic "he likes you" signs...plus, he has dropped several hints that his relationship has been on the rocks and that he is unsure of how it will go...he has said that he loves his girlfriend, but has never once mentioned that he is *IN* love with her...now I'm not saying that automatically means that he's not in love with her, it's just a possibility is all...but there are just so many possibilities right now, and it's been emotionally draining...and believe me, it's not like I haven't tried to look for other men, and I've definitely kept my options open, but it's pretty slim pickin's where I live...that's not me being picky, either, it's just how it's been luck-wise...the man I currently have feelings for is quite rare, in that we have so much in common, and the fact that he is a good person.

I have such a strong, strong connection with this man, and he has even agreed with me on that. Now, I know a very easy answer to this for some people might be, "he's a player" blah blah blah...but I don't believe that is the case...again, another easy answer from me because of my feelings for him. We've known each other for quite awhile, and he is a very, very caring, compassionate person, and he has never once made an actual "move" on me...he's just not the 'cheating type'...I think if that is all he wanted, or if he were the type to "cheat", he would have tried to do it with me by now.

I'm so confused and emotionally exhausted...There's part of me that wants more with him so very badly, then there's another part that feels guilty and selfish for doing so, because I don't want anyone to get hurt in any of this...so what am I asking in all of this? I don't know...I suppose part of me is venting and just wanting someone to listen...

I do ask that people be kind in answering...I'm NOT looking to be coddled or have sugar-coated answers, but please, no mean, smart-ass remarks or unnecessary pessimism.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Chemistry can be lighted up and be burnt out like a candle.

    If you can feel what he is feeling <--- Chemistry

    If you look at a stranger's eyes and you just know there is something there <--- Chemistry or Love at first sight

    If you look at your crush's eyes and you can see and feel what they are feeling <---- Definitely Chemistry.

    Dr Michio once said "We are all made up of energy and we emit waves, if we are strongly attracted to someone like love at first sight, its because the waves that our body emitted, is vibrating in unison, and that is chemistry"

    That's just to clear up your thoughts.

    ---------

    Ok, now it all comes to morals and values. What is right and what is wrong. Both of you, know in your body, mind and heart that both of you need to be together. What is wrong is that society will perceive this as wrong, the guy will be viewed as a cheater or a unfaithful person and you viewed as a home wrecker.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Just try and be friends. Both of you have been candid on your feelings, so enjoy the friendship.

    As you say, keep options open, no matter how few other guys are around. But you need to keep your feelings in check, as does he or someone will get hurt.

    Been there myself, it isn't easy, but just try and go with the flow. If his relationship isn't meant to be, it will play out. If the two of you are fated to be more than friends it probably will happen.

    The waiting is hard, painful and makes you crazy...but you know that...

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  • I've been in this situation before, on both sides. Feelings are feelings and your body is going to want who it wants. Sometimes the choices our hearts make result in a lot of pain and lack of fulfillment, and that's just part of life.

    I personally think that the feelings you get in a situation like this are often stronger than in other situations. I tend to sit back and enjoy the feelings when I get into a relationship like this. If you're not in it for the physical fulfillment then honestly situations like this are ideal for the high of love.

    So my advice is to enjoy the way he makes you feel, and go where the universe takes you. Maybe you'll end up together, maybe you won't. If you're living for the feelings and the pure love that they represent, then you win either way.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Please don't wait for this guy. If he breaks up with his girlfriend and waits a few months before dating you (he should not rebound), great. If not, move on.

    If he makes a move on you while still in a relationship, he is definitely not a keeper. If he keeps things professional yet you still harbor feelings for him, you may need to take some time apart from him to help cool off your feelings.

    This is a weird limbo stage. I can't really tell you what to do atm because nothing has really happened. Good luck!

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  • take a step back. feelings come and go. you could have strong connection with another guy too. There's no point in doing something that makes you lose respect for yourself and will ultimately chip away at your ability to trust. If he really wants you, then he will do what is right. but until then, bow out gracefully for yourself, the guy, his girlfriend and karma.

    good luck!

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