Is there any way to overcome my extreme loneliness?

I am a very happy person with friends and family and make people laugh a lot, but I have never been in a relationship. I always thought it was because of my weight, but even after I lost it all not much has changed. I talk to girls when they talk to me, and it's so scarce that if I start up a conversation with a girl (or try to) everyone falls silent as though they are eager to hear what I have to say for the first time. I then blurt out what I was going to say with a mismatching tone/expression that makes everything really awkward. I have never dated. The longest conversation with a girl my age that wasn't family was probably 3 minutes long. I'm not shy, but I don't understand my fear. As a result I am extremely lonely and am afraid I will die alone in a basement or something.

Is there any way to simulate companionship? I need to curb my loneliness before it starts reflecting on my exterior. I can't afford therapy and my family isn't an option. Please, anyone, help...


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi there. You sound like me when I was around your age. Loneliness is not a good feeling. I've been there. It sounds a lot like you are not comfortable with yourself and who you. I know this sounds cliche but you have be able to love yourself for who you are or at least start the process before the things that you are stating you do not like begin to change. In order to do this you have to be willing to be uncomfortable and push yourself into things that you probably wouldn't normally do. I'm sure you've heard the saying that you can't do the same thing and expect a different result. Throw yourself into a hobby you like to the point where you meet other people that do it also, this may lead to girls, if you are in college throw yourself into clubs you would be interested in develop friendships with girls first so you get comfortable talking to women in normal conversations, you may want to try online dating where you are probably better at expressing yourself through text than words in person, etc. The key is that in order to change things you can't continue to do what you do now. Change one thing at a time and take it from there. Don't hesitate, before you have the chance to think about tonight find a local gym, tennis club or something you like that wouldn't normally do, if money is an issue there are things like local leagues, free clubs etc. Just do it. Hope this helps. Wish you the best.

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What Girls Said 0

The only opinion from girls was selected the Most Helpful Opinion!

What Guys Said 3

  • I have 2 points. First, the "loneliness" is not the source of your unhappiness. Second, I'm assuming you don't usually interact with people, so your communication skills will be lacking. This can directly impact your confidence in speaking to others, and actually make you seem like a a**hole.

    Back to the first point. If your state of mind is always in “I’ll be happy if I can just get X”, then you will never be happy. Because you need to realized that happiness, is a state of mind, not the possession of something. This kind of thinking is just setting you up for failure. Because once you get X, it may cause a momentary feeling of happiness ( usually by you thinking "I'm going to be finally happy ), but it will not last, as long as your way of thinking is set to the default of unhappiness. Then you will start looking for a new X to be happy. This will lead you into a endless cycle of chasing some goal, but never receiving happiness.

    There are many years of human physiology research which backs this up, and is assessable in this book : The Happiness Advantage - By Shawn Achor.

    Now to the second point. Your communication skills. I am not talking about how impressive your vocabulary is, how smart you are or how quick your with is. I am talking about how you can interact with people in a way which is non threatening and calming.

    This subject is quite a long one, so I will just refer you to a good book, which I find rather educational. How to Win Friends and Influence People - by Dale Carnegie.

    Money spent on these books will be well worth it.

    Good luck :) the journey ahead is not easy…

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    • yes happiness is a state of mind, but still we are a social species and interacting with others and feeling understood is key to getting that state of mind.

      I agree with your advice on the book "how to make friends and influence people" by dale carnegie.. it is quite an awesome book. One thing from that book that is key is that everyone wants to feel important. Feeling important, goes along with feeling like youve expressed yourself honestly and others have understood you(and wanted to).

  • the best advice I can give you is that you need to venture out and find people to express yourself to. The internet, along with many other forms of technology actually isolate people from one another rather than connect.. . which sounds contradictory at first but makes sense when you view it from the aspect of how human beings communicate with one another. Most of the message is lost and understanding goes down the drain. That's why I say try to interact with people outside of the internet(if that's what you primarily do right now). I felt extremely lonely when I was only online and hung out with people in real life once in a while, and once I started working at a job it made a world of difference because of daily interaction with other people. I'm still pretty lonely but I feel a lot better now than before from that.

    One of our primary social drives is the wanting of feeling understood and expressing ourselves to others who express themselves to us in return. We all want to feel important, respected for who we are and perhaps the most cliche term of them all, loved! haha...

    I'm still working on this myself so that's all I can really say.. I'm still seeking those things and hope you find your way

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  • Ouch. You've got it worse than me, way worse. Here.

    Talking, takes practice. Accept the fact that you're going to screw up. And now, go somewhere you can strike up conversations--anywhere you can think of an excuse to start chatting with someone. Hopefully a non-rush place.

    Remember, we're all mortals, even famous celebrities. Which means we often all get nervous. Even rich Selena Gomez started acting like a nervous fangirl when she ran into fellow actor Shia Labeouf backstage somewhere, you can lookup the video.

    Go watch a movie, or TV series, with a guy you want to be like, an alpha guy. Raylan Givens from Justified, Daniel Craig in his Bond movies, heck, even Harry Potter. Mimic that person. Pretend you're them. Use their jokes, their lines, and strike up conversation.

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