What should I do? I've been hurt way too many times but still want her back.

I was with this girl for over 6 years. We were 19 when we started seeing each other. She was pregnant before we got together, and the father refused to have nothing to do with her. I didn't mean for it to happen, but we fell in love with each other. I took on the child as my own. I gave up a future for myself to take care of her and our son. Things went great for a few years, and we eventually had another child that was 100% mine. But as time passed by we became distant from each other. I've always loved her, but I know I didn't show it like I should have. We ended up being practically roommates instead of a couple. She was always talking to other guys while I never even thought about anyone else. I moved out on my own 2 months ago, but she is still all I think about. More than anything, I want my family back together. I know that I cannot go back to her, she would have to come back to me, with a lot of apologies and a determination to change, to try harder with our relationship. But my question is, even if she does come back to me, do I take her back? Or should I try to move on with my life? I still can't see myself with anyone but her. And it drives me crazy thinking of her being with someone else.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I think what happens to a lot of people in these situations is that you start to idealize the person and the relationship than really focus on the reality. You focus on what things should be rather than what they are, which allows you to continue hoping for things to be a certain way.

    Reality Check: Not everyone that hooks up will do great together. You have to consider the fact, that having a 'good' relationship may not be in her DNA. She would literally have to change the woman she is in order to be the woman you need her to be. There might even be some work you have to do. Without having the necessary tools for success in relationships, it will always be doomed for failure.

    Not being able to move on happens when you refuse to let go. Why are you finding it so hard to let go? What are you afraid of, or what do you think will happen if you do? Do you think there's no possibility that you won't ever find someone you love the way you love her?

    Your fixation on her and what you "had" is a fantasy. You want her back and your family together, but even when you had that, it was full of drama. So the REAL question is, will she ever give you the fantasy of that great relationship minus the drama? I think we both know the answer to that.

    I think it's time you started focusing on the things you can control, like being a great dad, and a better man altogether so that when you do move on, you'll find someone you can appreciate and will appreciate you in turn.

    Here's a paradigm shift that may help. Love is not just a feeling. It is a decision a choice you make once you've met this person. Love is also alive...it can be grown. You can plant the seed and it needs to be given proper care and attention. It needs to be placed in the proper environment so it grows to the best of its ability. It can grow beautifully and strong, or it can wither and die, if weeds are allowed to come in and choke it.

    The important thing is...it can always grow. You will always be able to find love if you're open to it. As long as you lay the proper foundation and create the best environment, love will be abound.

    I wish you luck in love.

    • Thanks. Maybe your right. Maybe it is just a fantasy of what I want to happen. I just don't know how to let go. I guess it just takes time. I will admit that the longer we have been apart it has been getting a little easier. As time goes on I think I will be able to let go, but she will always hold a place in my heart. I'm in no hurry to find someone else, but when I do, I hope I will be able to give them everything I have to offer, and not be held back from my past relationship.

    • Absolutely. That frame of thinking is perfect. You guys have a child together so you are forever bound, and yes, just because it doesn't work out doesn't mean there was never any love there. Sometimes it just doesn't work. All you can do is work on being your best self and being open to whatever comes. Yes, time will heal, this is after all, a loss and it will sometimes feel like a death. So treat it as such. Allow yourself to mourn, but pick up the pieces. You have a kid that needs your love


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 4

  • Try to move on. Honestly, it's not a good situation for your kids to be in if you two aren't in love. If she's disrespecting you, if you two are fighting, whatever the case is - this sets an example for your kids. If you don't want your kids to live in the situation you're in, then don't do it yourself. Seriously, it does affect them THAT much.

    Really, only you can decide if there's ever a good time to go back to her or take her back. But seriously consider it, because you are dragging the kids in tow. Daddy moving in and out of the house would be far worse than daddy not coming home.

  • No matter who you pursue or for how long you both will have to make changes and grow as individuals and BOTH work to make the relationship work. Love fails only because people refuse to change and ADAPT. It's not something only one partner does, it's both partners learning to dance to all kinds of tunes, and even if it's not always graceful or elegant, they both smile and find a way to go along with it. As far as taking her back: maybe she should know how you feel and what you want. After all, it involves both of you so you should both find a conclusion.

  • You seem a good guy. Whatever you decide later about your relationship with her, either going back together or separating, don't ever change who you are. don't let your past experience take the nice person you are. Be strong! If thing turns out the worst, it only means that you just haven't met the right person.

  • It really does sound like you love her, and want things to work out! Why don't you get together, sit down and talk about what happened, what you could both do better and if you're willing to do so? You have to kids together, and you're still a father. Of course you can manage on your own, but so many families fall apart for no particular reason, so go see if you can work it out! ( but remember, she must put effort into it too! )

    • I've tried many times. She won't put in the effort to change, while I would be willing to do whatever it takes.

    • Well if she's not ready to put some effort into it, then you did right by moving out. Trust me, soon she will realize what she had in you, and call and ask if you two can work it out.

What Guys Said 1