I was with this girl for over 6 years. We were 19 when we started seeing each other. She was pregnant before we got together, and the father refused to have nothing to do with her. I didn't mean for it to happen, but we fell in love with each other. I took on the child as my own. I gave up a future for myself to take care of her and our son. Things went great for a few years, and we eventually had another child that was 100% mine. But as time passed by we became distant from each other. I've always loved her, but I know I didn't show it like I should have. We ended up being practically roommates instead of a couple. She was always talking to other guys while I never even thought about anyone else. I moved out on my own 2 months ago, but she is still all I think about. More than anything, I want my family back together. I know that I cannot go back to her, she would have to come back to me, with a lot of apologies and a determination to change, to try harder with our relationship. But my question is, even if she does come back to me, do I take her back? Or should I try to move on with my life? I still can't see myself with anyone but her. And it drives me crazy thinking of her being with someone else.
Most Helpful Girl
I think what happens to a lot of people in these situations is that you start to idealize the person and the relationship than really focus on the reality. You focus on what things should be rather than what they are, which allows you to continue hoping for things to be a certain way.
Reality Check: Not everyone that hooks up will do great together. You have to consider the fact, that having a 'good' relationship may not be in her DNA. She would literally have to change the woman she is in order to be the woman you need her to be. There might even be some work you have to do. Without having the necessary tools for success in relationships, it will always be doomed for failure.
Not being able to move on happens when you refuse to let go. Why are you finding it so hard to let go? What are you afraid of, or what do you think will happen if you do? Do you think there's no possibility that you won't ever find someone you love the way you love her?
Your fixation on her and what you "had" is a fantasy. You want her back and your family together, but even when you had that, it was full of drama. So the REAL question is, will she ever give you the fantasy of that great relationship minus the drama? I think we both know the answer to that.
I think it's time you started focusing on the things you can control, like being a great dad, and a better man altogether so that when you do move on, you'll find someone you can appreciate and will appreciate you in turn.
Here's a paradigm shift that may help. Love is not just a feeling. It is a decision a choice you make once you've met this person. Love is also alive...it can be grown. You can plant the seed and it needs to be given proper care and attention. It needs to be placed in the proper environment so it grows to the best of its ability. It can grow beautifully and strong, or it can wither and die, if weeds are allowed to come in and choke it.
The important thing is...it can always grow. You will always be able to find love if you're open to it. As long as you lay the proper foundation and create the best environment, love will be abound.
I wish you luck in love.