Why can't he be a not-nice guy?

I deal in absolutes; my ex tends to try to be the "nice" guy. When we broke up, he was very vague ... maybe someday we'll get back together was what he said, as he proceeded to date someone else later and I clung to his words. He spent years coming in and out of my life and is now in a committed relationship. Our friendship has suffered because of it, and we don't speak often. It's harder to deal with the sometimes I hear from him and sometimes I don't, I wanted to know where he stood when it comes to our friendship.

His actions are obvious - he doesn't value or want to maintain a friendship with me. I know this, but like I said, I need to see it. And read it. And refer back to it when I feel my mind justifying his actions. But, if I am ask him to put it out there in black and white, he always has to say something that says well I don't really want to maintain a relationship with you but I also think it's best we don't stay in touch either. He'll put something in there like "stay in touch" or "talk soon" and it's frustrating because I know he doesn't mean it and yet he lacks the balls to say "It's 100%, never going to change, over." Why?


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What Guys Said 1

  • Well, you can't really change someone, you either accept them or move on.

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What Girls Said 1

  • You already have the answer...he's spineless and he isn't going to give you a definite answer. I also know it's incredibly frustrating to deal with because I have had an ex who sounds quite similar to yours. He may not be someone who enjoys conflict and chooses to avoid it at all cost. If he doesn't tell you, "I don't want to be with you. I don't see a future with you" then he doesn't have to be the bad guy in the situation.

    Or on a much more selfish note, he might not want to completely close the door on you two JUST in case. He may not have any intention to seriously pursue you again, but who knows...maybe if in three years if none of these other girls pan out then there will still be you hanging around. Whether for sex, a fall back relationship, who knows...he may not even have formulated a reason himself. Does he only come back in your life when he's single or when his current relationship begins to fall apart? If he does, chances are it"s just because you're there and have always been there. Once he finds a new shiny toy, you're old news again.

    All in all, he does lack the balls to be upfront and unfortunately you probably will never be given a straight answer. It's unfair and selfish on his part. Unless you have mutual friends who will make no contact impossible...you're just going to have to cut the cord for your own sake. He doesn't value you as a person or your friendship enough to be honest. But hopefully you do respect yourself to a point where you can realize when enough is enough. His behavior isn't going to change and you can't make him see or even care how this is effecting you. All you can do is hold your head up high, cut ties and go your separate ways. It'll suck for a while, but in the end you'll be able to fully move on and find someone who is more worth your time whether platonically or romantically.

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