Boyfriend hit me? What to do now? (Long)

We were driving home from the movie theater and joking around. I casually said that my mom made a joke about him being a stalker because he said that he loved me before we were even dating. He freaked out and swore asking me why I would tell her that and backhanded my thigh really hard. Then he goes "how would you like it if I told my parents your dad used to sexually abuse you?"

I was crying and told him that wasn't even the same and that I couldn't believe he just hit me. He was apologizing and at first saying he just meant to flick me. Then was saying it was an accident and wouldn't drive me home. I just kept telling him to take me home. Over and over. He was crying and refused to take me to my house so I got out of the car and walked.

He showed up at my house and wouldn't f*** off. We eventually talked about it and he was saying he didn't know why he freaked out but that he wouldn't do it again.

His dad used to hit or choke, etc. him for no reason and he didn't talk about it ever. He has difficulties sharing his emotions with people - even me. Like he's been working his ass off at work - not even taking breaks, training someone and doing ten hour days six days a week and as a result is extremely tired and stressed but he wouldn't tell me what was going on until I freaked out at him, and he was crying before he told me what was going on with him.

So he holds in his emotions all the time and was abused as a kid and never dealt with it. I'm trying to get him to see a therapist because I want to be with him.

He randomly freaks out fairly often - he's grumpy quite a bit but this is the first time he's hit me. And it scares me because he's a lot bigger than me so a punch from him would basically knock me out. We've been dating a year and I love him but I don't necessarily feel safe with him like I did before after last night.

What should I do? Opinions/stories/advice?

Updates:
I put this in relationships...? But okay
It's easy to say "just leave him" - it might escalate to him actually hitting me, but we've been together for a year. We're madly in love, and I want to help him deal with his problems. We both know what he did wasn't right. In some ways, I want to just leave him - like many people have suggested, but I feel that he can get past this holding his emotions in and exploding for no reason. He will see a therapist, and if I see any of the same intolerable behavior, I will leave him without a second..
thought. I was very taken back by him doing this, as he hasn't done anything similar ever before. But he's under a lot of stress lately and clearly doesn't know how to deal with it. Thank you for your time, and I'm going to try to work through this with him. If not, I'll get out of the relationship.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm going to write the minority opinion on this one. He clearly needs some help managing his emotions. It seems to me that if you really like the guy and that seems to be the case, you need to get his iron clad commitment to getting professional help. He's clearly too busy for his own good but jobs are hard to find. If he'll get some help, then maybe he's worth another chance. You have to make the call. One thing is abundantly clear: one more incident like that and you're gone. No discussion, no conversation, no nothing and he has to agree that anytime, and that means ANYTIME, you demand to be taken home, he complies, right then. I almost more concerned that he kept you in the car against your will. You're in a tricky situation. Your call but take it all into account. I abhor domestic violence and this is one form. I'd also probably tell him that you get to share whatever you want with your parents.

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    • Yes, I told him that I share lots of things with my mom. I trust her judgement. And yes I know it freaked me out too when he wouldn't take me home. He kept saying he loved me and asking me if I'd forgive him. He was crying and clearly thought he could say something that would make it better. Thanks for your answer. I think he could work through it, and he's aware that if he doesn't change I'm gone.

What Guys Said 9

  • You had good instincts: he needs some professional help, and without it, he'd going to become just like his dad, using violence to deal with his anger and frustration. It's not his fault his parents (dad) screwed him up, but it's now his responsibility to deal with it and fix it so that it doesn't dominate his life as it did his father's.

    I would tell him that you care about him, but that you two staying together is conditional on him getting therapy. If he refuses, then for his own good, you need to break up with him, so that he really understands how important this is.

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  • yeah, yeah... he will come up with 1001 stories about this and that, he will cry, he will beg, whatever.

    he hit you, that means he disrespected you, it's over. except if you don't respect yourself. in that case you can smack yourself a few times more.

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    • It's not him coming up with stories, he's told me this in the past. He made no excuses and told me it didn't feel right that I'd stay with him.

  • Get out of that relationship ASAP. If he's capable of hitting your thigh really hard, it won't be long before he smacks you in the face. Leave this guy right away.

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  • You now see his true colors. Now leave him.

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  • He sucks

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    • Indeed.

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    • why

    • Because I just don't use it?

  • sounds like you guys are perfect for each other, funny how people find others just like them huh

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  • Leave..simply leave

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  • Why was he crying lol.

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    • Afraid I'd leave him, scared that hitting me was his reaction.

    • its up to you leave him or not. we can't decide for you.

    • Yes I know. But I'd like opinions of people whom aren't biased. Because anyone I know will be.

  • I think you're right that he needs professional help - but at the same time, a back hand to the thigh is hardly beating you.

    I'd put that in the same vein as friends who would flick each other in the forehead when one is being annoying - yea it stings, but it's not a fist to the gut or anything.

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    • It hurt. Like hurt! He hit me pretty hard and I'm bruised from it. So hardly a flick.

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    • No it wasn't. But thanks for showing how pointless any further discussion with you would be...

    • The problem with hurting her like this has nothing to do with what type of violence was used(hitting, punching, flicking, etc..)... the problem is that he resorted to hurting her at all to appease his emotions. If he resorts to this method of "stress/anger relief" now...it's only a matter of time before he would try more AND the problem is what his actions represent -an inability to control his anger in a healthy way. You're getting caught up on detail. And IMO, any violent action is unacceptable.

What Girls Said 2

  • You were only joking around; he shouldn’t have reacted like that. If he can’t control his self with regards to little things, how much more if a big problem will come your way? And he shouldn’t tell anyone about you being abused when you were young, let alone telling you that ‘what if he would.’ There are things that should be kept; he should not even try to threaten you. If his father used to hit him, chances are he’ll be doing those things also. Walking out of a relationship would not be easy especially if you have been together for a year already but always think about yourself first and the things he might do to you again.

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    • I know. But he's been really stressed lately. I can't see it happening again to be honest - if he sees a therapist. If he doesn't change or I don't see progress I'm going to leave him.

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    • Yeah, I agree. He knows I don't want it to happen again, and he'll get on the therapist thing ASAP. He obviously didn't mean to hit me that hard but he's literally twice my size and if he hits me its going to hurt. I'm more worried that he has issues with his emotions than anything else.

    • I just hope you'll be able to fix this problem. And if you see any improvements then that's a good thing but if not, then stick to your word that you'll really leave him. You take care. :)

  • you leave him.

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    • leave him then have his babies later, I bet rihanna is gonna have chris brown's babies now, women just love to get abused :)

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