I don't know if I'm on the rebound, and I'm scared because I don't want to hurt him.

In October I became devastated when my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me out of the blue. This wasn't the first time he had done this, he has some inner issues that kept driving him to push me away. Needless to say, I was fed up with being a doormat and moved back to my home 14 hours away from him, and my life there that I had with him. I felt hopeless for months, never suicidal, but just the feeling that the hurt will never go away, that he would never leave my heart and my head.

Then, in the end of January I met this really great guy, he's really established, has great goals and aspirations, really straight laced which is good for me because I'm a little bit of a wild child at times, have lived most of my life on a whim and on the edge if you catch my drift. Anyways, he treats me really, really well. He's so different then my ex, cares about how I'm feeling all the time, and when I'm down always wants to make it better. Wants to talk issues out and not just suppress them till they explode (my ex was great for that) he always wants to do things for me to help me out (he fixed my other car because I have money problems from my last relationship so I could sell it and make a bit of extra cash...btw he paid for parts initially, and I'm paying him back when the car sells)

But for some reason I feel like something is missing. But its driving me crazy because its like what more do I want? He's a GREAT person, and could potentially make a great companion at some point, but I just feel so unsatisfied.

I still think about my ex all the time, as much as I try to push the feelings away and fight it, I still miss him and I still am sad about everything. My problem is this, I never ever want to hurt this new guy, If this is a rebound I want to break him free to find something better, I don't want to ever hold someone back or bring someone down, so it would be better to do it now then later when more feelings could be involved.

I know he's really into me which is why I'm so scared to hurt him. But I also don't want to hurt myself by giving something up that could potentially be the best thing I've ever had because I'm being stupid about missing or still caring about my ex.

My ex was my best friend, we were the same person but the male an females versions I swear...And its just like this new relationship is lacking that...But maybe its to soon to tell...I don't know, the love was there so fast with me and my ex for both of us...What do you guys think?...I'm so lost as to what to do, I just want to do the right thing.


I'm 22

My ex is 25

New guy is 23
My ex is still an ass munch, trying to pop in and out of my life to try to bring me down because his life is SO perfect with his new girlfriend, *gag*, and me and the other guy still talk every day, still have issues, I moved back to my
old city, where my ex is (not for him just felt I was strong enough to come back home, he's why I left) so me and reboundy guy, if he is indeed that, clearly have more problems now because were in different places. So I've decided dating isn't for me lol
gonna try being alone for a while and see how that pans out


Most Helpful Guy

  • ok you are just scared. You are obviously not over your ex. If you don't want to hurt this guy then let him know now that you aren't ready for a relationship. Explain to him that you still have a lot to figure out in your head and you are afraid that if you jump into another relationship too quickly it will only lead to problems down the road.

    People are always ready for some type of relationship. He might be ready to be in a committed relationship where you are just looking for a friendly relationship... possibly with benefits. If you two aren't looking for the same thing... I'll give it 3 months till it starts getting awkward. I'm letting you know that you aren't alone... Everyone goes through this after a break up. I have had to turn down a lot of good girls because I constantly thought about my ex. I didn't feel right... I felt uncomfortable and the situation just felt bogus. I know I needed personal time to figure myself out, maybe you need the same?

    Its not good to jump into another relationship right away. It is possible that you'll find the wrong person.

    Here's the truth. If you really like this guy and you think their might be potential in the future then be his friend. By being his friend I mean keep the relationship extremely light. No sex, No dates, No anything. Possibly just say hi every once in awhile and flirt a bit. Don't ask about girls he is seeing and don't mention other guys you are seeing. If you keep a friendly relationship you keep the door of possibilities open down the road.

    Focus on yourself first. Eventually you will be ready to enter another relationship.

    • Your right, I took your advice and talked to him yesterday about slowing things down a lot. Like no more sleepovers, no more seeing each other pretty much everyday ( there's probably 2 days out of the week we don't see each other since we have met basically)...and I told him its beause I don't want to screw things up because as of right now my heads not in the right place, and he agreed so thanks :) ill give an update as to what ends up happening

    • I don't go to the same school as the guy I'm going out with so I only see him once a week. but I want to take things slower I guess because my head is also not in the right place


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 7

  • I understand what you are saying about the new guy...he cares about you and thinks about you all the time which women don't like because they want their man to be...the man and not be "too" nice.

    BUT...don't think about going back to your ex. Period. I hope that's obvious. You know he will just break up with you again. You both lived on the edge and this time AND the next, he will just cut you with it.

    SO...if you are looking for a safe future, stay with the nice guy, if you are looking for a happy future find a guy with some edge but some stability. Right in between.

    Good luck.

  • I am not close enough to the situation to give you life changing advice, but here are my thoughts.

    I think your current guy is a great guy but not the love of your life. But neither is your ex. You are torn between the rush/excitement of the drama and the security of a stable relationship. If you are ever able to recognize that the rush is the problem it might be easier to let go of the past. Find a guy that gives you the security of your current relationship, but makes you feel like you can't breath if you are not together, but without the drama of an emotional roller coaster.

    The right guy is out there, you won't want to be married to the wrong guy when he shows up. Date, enjoy life, don't feel like you have to make a "forever" choice at age 22, you have many years to go before you have to make that mistake :-)

    Good Luck,


  • Most girls are attracted to the kind of guy who gives them the same feeling that they had for their dads. So, it would appear that either your relationship with your dad was very distant or you are rebelling against a over-bearing but loving dad. Is this correct?

    • Yea me and my dad didn't have a relationship from 12-20 were ok now but it got pretty bad, and its strange that you say that because my ex reminded me so much of my dad, like they just did the same things, same attitude I guess. But yea my dads girlfriend made him choose between me and her, guess who he chose.

    • I can understand your pain.

      But, sometimes when you know why you feel certain things, and especially if it is something on which you have no control, you have to use your mind over your heart and choose what is good for you.

      Remember, doing what you feel like doing is not necessarily good for you. Also, remember that there is only one person who really cares for you and will always be there for you, YOU! So, take care.

    • :) Thanks, I totally agree.

  • Do you at least give this new guy attention, and do you spend time with him? Do you let him know that you appreciate him? Is it obvious to him that you enjoy being around him? When you are around him do you enjoy his company? When you go on dates with him do the both of you smile?

    • Yea its definitely all that. We both love being around each other and smile and laugh and are totally into it, but it just feels sometimes that my heart is pulling me in two different directions, and I don't know if that's normal because I'm still guarded, or if its because I'm really second guessing everything.

    • If he is sharp, he would notice that you are hesitant around him. If I were him, I wouldn't like that, because it means you could run away from him at any moment (which is exactly your dilemma). It shows you are not thrilled about the idea of having a long-term relationship with him. If he is a good guy and you like him, THEN THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!!! You don't have to guard your heart. The whole point of having a strong loving relationship is to give your heart to somebody else!

  • All I would suggest is to keep your chin up and a smile on your face. The right guy will find you if you are open to seeing his approach.

    Good Luck,


  • Have you told the new guy exactly what you said here?

    • Kind of...not really because I don't know if these feelings are normal because I'm scared, or if I really feel like its not going to work, basically I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing by waiting it out to find out for sure...or maybe I need to slow things down even more with this new guy...I don't know

    • I have kinda the same problem but I like the guy who I am with...im scared of him being the rebound but my friends say that I do like him. He is a great guy. So I decided that I wanted to take things really slow so I can get to know him better and find my feelings and stuff

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What Girls Said 4

  • ay-yai-yai...

    im in the same situation lol

    i don't want to get rid of the new guy either because I know he would be a great boyfriend, but at the same time, I can't stop thinking about my ex. sigh...

    Well obviously you already know it's a rebound.

    I've also decided to be alone for awhile, and focus on myself, before I start anything with anyone.

    I know it would be unfair to him.. if I stick around as a friend, or agree to become his gf, knowing that I still have feelings for the ex.

    It sucks because I might never meet someone like the "new guy", but... oh well.. everything happens for a reason, right?

    Try to find happiness with yourself, before you find it with someone else.

    • Definitely agree, I ended up breaking it off with him and moving back home and have remained single for the past 8 months, it was hard, but in the same breath did me a lot of good

    • Good for you :)

  • nobody wants to be the doormat in any situation. I'd just go out with a new guy more suitable to you and forget the ex. that's just me-i take emotional attachments away and look at what's good for me-i don't miss my ex at all. if a guy is worth my time, he works his ass off to be with me. and you deserve a good boyfriend so ignore the ex boyfriend who's an ass. my ex boyfriend is an ass also so whatever. live on and find a better guy.

  • I don't really have any advice for you but I can tell you that I'm in the same position only my ex was my first boyfriend and my new guy is three after him. The feelings suck and you never know what to do, but I'm learning to just live in the moments and realize that the guy I am with is amazing and he doing all he can to help me. I told him everything and that helped a lot, maybe you should tell your guy but if you've already left him then that's your choice, but for me talking to someone who I know cares and the fact that he understood and still wanted to be with me, showed he was special and that I can do it. Moving on is hard and each person does it in their own way, you just have to follow your heart, cliche I know but true, listen to yourself and do what is best for you. Hope everything works out for the best, and if not my mom always says this to me, there's always more fish in the sea so grab your fishin pole girl and go catch one.

  • Here's an article from DateDaily that tells you whether or not he's on the rebound, but I'm pretty sure it works both ways: link