I don't want to date girls with troubled pasts. Am I selfish for that?

So in dating, I've been a doormat. The girls I've dated either come from dysfunctional families or were abused in prior relationships. My dilemma is that I am the kind of guy they would want. I came from a good, stable family where I was taught to never hit a woman, to be faithful in a relationship, and to respect girls' sexuality.

I'm a compassionate guy, but these relationships have rubbed off on me. I know it's not their fault where they came from or that they were abused, but I don't know if I want to get into another relationship with a girl like that. Am I wrong for that? Is it selfish that I don't want to days troubled girls anymore?

Updates:
Thank you all for your advice. I should clarify that I wouldn't automatically dismiss a girl if I found out she'd had a troubled background. I'm simply saying that if I knew earlier on about her past, like before I started to like her, I would be very hesitant to let attraction develop. Some people deal with these things better than others.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, I don't believe it's wrong to want to date someone without baggage because it's a lot easier, right? I just believe that everyone has their issues whether it be small or major. Of course the more baggage a person has the harder it will become especially if they have not dealt with it.

    It seems like a d*** move to not want to be with a girl especially if she's a good person because she's been through something. You never know who you will be able to have a good relationship with. You may come from a good background and such but who knows how things will be later down the road. Maybe you'll go through something and want someone to stay there with you through it and not just walk away because it's easier.

    Point is, relationships are hard...some more than others. You just have to work at it. When you find someone and you believe she is worth that effort it won't matter.

    Putting in the same effort/love/emotion for everyone is exhausting but when you find the right girl you know that it doesn't really matter in the end. It's up to you if you don't want to deal with girls who have issues or not but I'd think it's better to value that person rather then see her as damaged. No one is perfect.

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What Girls Said 7

  • Everyone has baggage. its delusional to operate as tho some people are exempt from life. life has problems, that's how it goes. if you breath, you experience pain.

    anyways, I don't think you are obligated to be with anyone you don't want to be with. its neither right nor wrong to avoid certsin people. its your preference. you're entitled to date who you want.

    personally, if I'm in love with someone that includes their past. tho, I wouldn't just date for the sake of it. if you're just dating because you need someone, then choosing your type prior makes sense.

    however if you were already in love, than discovered they had troubles-like everyone. it'd be cowardly to disappear. on the other hand you don't sound like you see people with more rather than less pasin, as equal to you. I think its best to avoid relationships with those you can not respect.

    you seem to think if yo label someone as troubled, that exempts you. it does not. trouble does not descriminate. . and it takes different forms. for ex. you're paranoid about being a 'doormat' because you think certain types, of people seek your comfort. some might see this as 'baggage'

    botom line.

    Everyone experiences trouble in life. now before later.

    #2. dot date anyone you don't want to date. you owe no one an explanation. much worse to get involved than dump them for things you did not like from the start. that's being an a**hole. not dating them ion the fist place is just being true to yourself..

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    • #1 Everyone experiences Pain.

      #2. Do NOT date anyone you do not want to date.

      PrettyGurl12

      @Sounds fair to me. I have an awesome past and I'm not sure I could handle a guy who had a troubled one either.

      Havent you written posts about bfs yelling. hitting generally being disrespectful manipulative or abusive?

  • Sounds fair to me. I have an awesome past and I'm not sure I could handle a guy who had a troubled one either.

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  • Nothing wrong with that... but you have to understand many people have a rough past, some are stronger than others and develop differently based on their past. I know amazing girls who you'd never guess have been through half the stuff they have, but they haven't let that change them in a negative way but rather positive. You can't judge someone on their past, ever, is really the rule.

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  • Hi,With regards to your question,

    You mention that the women which you have dated in the past have derived from dysfunctional families or were abused ETC. Firstly these women's parents would most probably have endured a dysfunctional family life, therefore may have gone onto an abusive relationship and so forth. The issue here is not this fact that they are attracted to you but the fact that subconciously you are attracted to these individuals. on the one hand they are attracted to others who are also from dysfunctional families, ETC as "like attracts like", and then there are the women who are attracted to the man who is stable, grounded, (such as your self) and so forth as they are looking for the opposite of what they have come from. In my view you are not selfish to want to alienate your self from these women, as you clearly state" It's not their fault "Only you have the power to break this chain/ cycle. I have a degree in psychology and am currently undertaking a doctorate, so hope this helps you, god bless.

    x

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  • Nothing wrong with that. I know where you're coming from. I dated a guy with a bad family life and I definitely think it negatively impacted our relationship

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  • No, I don't think so imo. You can choose to date who you want, but if you do unknowingly fall for someone with a troubled past I don't think you should push her away after learning that fact.

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  • Nope, not selfish at all. I just got out of a long term relationship with an ex with a very dysfunctional family. What I learned is that even though we were more or less the same, our way of thinking was completely off. When I wanted to spend time with my family - he would not understand the importance of family because he never had a caring family. Just little things here and there, that ultimately led us to break up.

    There's plenty of good girls out there that are better fits to your needs. Sometimes you just need to date around a little bit more to find that special someone. Consider this a learning experience, or else you'd never know.

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What Guys Said 2

  • No, not at all. But there are so many such girls in the dating scene! They are attracted by the free meals and entertainment, and are acccustomed to beng treated with disrespect.

    So why not do as I did, abandon the @&% dating scene, and meet women more organically, in clubs for people with common interests, or in projecs you volunteer for, or in bookstores, at lectures, at the beach...

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  • I don't think there is anything wrong with that, to each their own ya know. If you have had bad luck with ladies with a bad background or past and it doesn't seem to ever pan out for you then I would remain single and be patient. Not every girl out there has baggage. Though everyone has some sort of weight on their shoulders, its just how they handle it and not let it interfere with the relationship. Good Luck Man!

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