Do you think my system of dating is effective for finding someone good for marriage?

Basically, I'm gonna start dating now. I don't want to waste time in a relationship that won't work out eventually.

On the first date, simple talking, testing our chemistry together, how well we can converse, communicate, etc.

On the second date, we discuss our plans for the future, what we hope to achieve, plans for marriage, kids, etc. we also check beforehand if our personalities, cultures, day to day lives, and overall family life would be compatible. for personality, rather than finding similar interests, I would look for a similar reason behind our interests and a similarity in the way we analyze things. this means we can find new things that we would enjoy together. In fact, I think this may be a good way to make friends in general. For day-day lives, we can't be together if one person is always asleep or has a completely different schedule. Also, what if one person is allergic to many different types of foods that the other person likes? I think, to a limited degree, we could also talk about health as well. For culture, I would try to find out about a similar view of the world, ethics, morals, relationship with family and what they are like, etc. If we are pretty similar, I think that should be reason enough for a third date.

Finally, on the third date, I would want to TALK about our sexual compatibility. Many marriages end or become strained because of sexual incompatibility. That's why I think it's important to be very open and get this out of the way. I would want to discuss our sex drives, what we find attractive in each other and how easy it would be to maintain that, what we are attracted to in general and why, any particular kinks/fetishes that we have and how important fulfilling them is, what we masturbate to, etc. Basically, we are trying to find out whether our sex lives would be good in the future. And if we happen to be comfortable with each other, I think that would mean we can have a fourth date.

After all this, if everything seems to work out, I would want to continue dating normally because I know that these specific problems won't come up in the future.

So if I'm trying to find someone I can marry and not eventually break up with, do you think this is a good method? Would you use it?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Some people do know right away that they want to get married. Try going to churches.

    Also dating sites have an option to choose your intention of "looking for marriage" or "dating" or "nothing serious"...

    If you want marriage it's okay to tell the people upfront that eventually that is what your goal is.

    Go ahead and tell the girl your goals.

    It's true the girls that you will scare off will be the ones who are skittish or uncertain about their own feelings towards marriage.

    --------------------

    Realistically speaking though, I find dating to be like a jungle safari, it's rather perilous, no matter how much you pack for the trip you are still unprepared for monsoons, it's risky, it's exciting and you never know if you are going to be attacked by a tiger or if you are going to discover some lost treasure.

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    • finally, someone sees it the same way. though another person made some good points as to why it may not be too effective.

What Girls Said 6

  • Your question sounds incredibly logical and like you have a well-laid out plan in place. As lovely as that is, and as much as many people wish their lives and dates could go perfectly to plan... life isn't like that!

    However honestly I think it's a good idea and I have had a similar mindset in that I don't want to 'waste' my time with those I'm not compatible with long-term. But chemistry and attraction doesn't always work like that. Sometimes I end up falling for those who are all wrong on paper but who I like as people. And the guys who should be right for me, with the same goals? Well, I find myself not attracted to them for some reason (too much pressure maybe? knowing they could potentially be a long-term partner puts me off?)

    But I think once you meet someone who has similar marriage-minded goals to you, then this method could be great for dating! But, until you find a girl like that this method could scare lots of potential dates off - and that's okay since like the person below said they're the ones who aren't ready for marriage any ways!

    I also agree with them about the dating site and I think that's a good option for you, where you can narrow down your dating pool right away to those looking for marriage or serious relationships only. Then those women are more likely to understand your method for not wanting to waste your time dating someone not quite right for you.

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    • thanks. also, I kind of think that this method would skip the "romance" part of it, like an entire part of a relationship suddenly disappeared. It does kind of lose its appeal because of this. maybe that's why you didn't like knowing that they could be long-term partners?

  • What culture are you?

    What culture do you want your wife to be from?

    What exactly are your sexual kinks?

    You are anonymous so there is not even any information about what country you are from.

    In the United States this is not a typical thing that you have described above, it could work but it may not because most people don't do it like that.

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    • Your question gets really funny when you get into the food allergy part. See the thing is most people are not, NOT PERFECT matches, it's very rare that couples are compatible in the sense that they think the same, act the same, do the same...the compatibility is in how people get along...that is why multiple dates usually are required to see if the two people can get along.

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    • Yah, I think you should definitely tell this girl up front about your sexual preferences.

      That way she won't be surprised later.

    • that is actually a big reason why I came up with this idea.

  • That is an awful method. Some things just can't he planned. You're too forward and I suspect you will scare A LOT of potential girls away with this. You don't need to figure out if a girl is 100% your future wife after only 3 dates.

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    • what about 7 dates?

    • Maybe once you've been exclusive for a while.

  • Change the word "date" to months and it might not scare off most girls. The method I go by is "wait a year." As in wait a year before even thinking about marriage. A year isn't much if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. If you change it to months then its even somewhat normal, the first few weeks are fun dates, then you get to know each other and if all goes well, by the third month, you're either having sex or have discussed it at length.

    Dating is supposed to be fun, you make it sound like a job interview and that is not going to go over well with a lot of girls.

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    • dating should be fun but I don't want it to end in breakup. I see it as a time investment for the future. It's not like I'm wanna get married right away, but this way I could identify problems ahead of time. I guess it is too quick but I really would not want to wait several months to discuss these things. then it becomes hard to break up.

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    • we will run out of skilled immigrants eventually.

    • And until then, people like me get a chance at a better life.

  • If you aren't experienced with dating, I can guarantee that you may scare some girls off right away with this. The point is not to have a plan and to allow things to develop naturally. Go out and have fun. Find someone you connect with. Don't worry so much about when the spark for marriage will happen.

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    • but what type of girls would I scare off? the ones that I could have a future with or the ones I wouldn't want to date anyway? what if I had 2 dates to just test chemistry? I want to have 3 kids and I can't do that if I'm too old. time flies so I can't really just have fun. by the way, I'm saying this because the divorce rate is 50% and I don't want to end up like that either.

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    • Lol, I'm a medical professional, and I don't think adhd has anything to do with actual personality changes. I'm talking change from life experiences, and that comes from well...life experiences. But your welcome.

    • I meant that I get obsessed with something and have trouble focusing on anything else for a long time so my life experiences come rather quickly. I don't know if this is because of adhd but I have been diagnosed with adhd.

  • Oh dear I think that is way to forward for the first few dates, unless you are dating someone of the same culture

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    • why is it too forward? I do intend to date in the same or a similar culture but it's not really sexually open. we're fine of gays but not tolerant of sleeping around and not being serious. I don't want to date someone just for fun and eventually break up. and if the other person thinks you're weird because of this, then wouldn't that simply mean that he's not compatible with you and that you would be better off dating someone else?

    • No no I ment if you was dating outside your culture it would be odd because some people find it hard to conform with unfamilure cultures, like I understand what you mean my friend is full pakistani and she's really like into getting married and stuff and she's got some hectic thing for dating for marrige,

      to me its unfamilure,but people of similar cultures have the same frame of mind so they'd be okay with it

    • ah. thanks.

What Guys Said 3

  • 'plans' don't sit well with girls. Do not try to plan out your life with a girl, it will go awry. You need to find subtle ways to determine compatibility, and your time spent with her could be for exactly that purpose (and for fun, of course).

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    • i suspected this. I'm not really planning though, just stating what I'm hoping for. what if she's also marriage minded?

    • well, if you do find the one girl who is exactly compatible with you, then this will work quite perfectly, but the odds of that are pretty slim. A more general approach will also serve to not turn away the 'nearly exactly compatible' girls, which is what you are more likely to find.

    • ya, I guess I should wait a little longer

  • Honestly? Sounds a bit controlling. I think you'll find out that life doesn't work like you planned it. Especially dating. It will be chaotic and confusing, just take all the questions on this site as evidence. But you are talking about it like buying a car.

    And, rule of dating: all relationships end.

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    • honestly, I kind of do consider dating like buying a car. except the dating itself would be the car. It is not controlling, it is filtering.

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    • What I meant was I've met couples that did stay married their whole lives. So not all relationships end...with divorce and break up by choice, sometimes people stay together till the end. I've seen it.

    • I know that that's what you meant. My response was for QA

  • i would try and enjoy the dates and let all that stuff come later. a marriage to someon you can't have fun with would suck

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    • fun without this type of compatibility would be temporary though and not enough for a life partner. what if we find out that we're simply not compatible a year later? that means we both lost one year that we could have spent with someone we wouldn't have these problems with.

    • compatibilty without fun would be even shorter bro

    • ya, but I said that I would continue dating after that. if we can't have fun, we could simply break it off after the sixth or seventh date. If we do have fun together for a while, I think it's more likely to last a long time if we're compatib. I think that's more efficient than finding out a couple months down the road that it just can't work between us. I mean, that's why we have a 50% divorce rate, half compatibility. my goal is to quickly go through everything that won't last at least 40 year

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