Girls & Guys - What do you do when your ex calls after they hurt you really bad?

My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. He has left me about 4 times. Each time it would be longer than the last. He felt that we didn't see eye to eye in too many things. I felt that there should be a happy medium. My answer was to work it out, not run away. He left me in February, about 6 weeks ago and called me yesterday. He said he called to give me bill money, I told him he was full of it. Someone doesn't take off 6 weeks earlier, and all of a sudden call about bills. So, he asked me if we could get together and talk because he still loves/cares about me and always will. I said no, I told him I was seeing someone..I lied, and I know it was wrong, but I got so tired of him thinking I would always wait for him to return. I love him with all my heart but he needs to open his eyes and realize that love doesn't wait on him...I guess I wanted to put the fear of God into him that he has lost me and maybe he waited too long this time to call. I feel guilty and sad, but what else could I do? Any suggestions.. Please help...

Updates:
Thankyou very much to everyone that answered... I wrote a letter and told him how much I valued the relationship. He called me and sd he loves me very much. I told him I needed time and needed to see that things would be different, he said he'd prove it!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Sometimes people treat us the way we allow them to treat us.

    By you allowing him to come back, each time he f***s up, makes him think it is ok to treat you this way. It took him 6 weeks to come back to you this time. That is a pretty long time --and you are right, you don't know what he did in between. and it just shows that he obviously wasn't THAT worried of losing you, because he was pretty confident that you would be... waiting.

    If you want to get back together with him, you will have to be firm on what you want, and how you want to be treated. This is usually done by actions, and not words.

    This time he went too far by waiting SO long. So, I suggest you message him (email, or text, no phone calls or meeting up). Tell him he really hurt you, and that you are tired of him treating you like this --running off when things go bad. But let him know that you love him and care about him, but right now YOU need space, YOU need time.. and YOU need to figure things out.

    You can also scare him by saying, this last time he left, it gave you time to really think things through.. and now you want more time to figure things out. Also make it sound like you've been busy since he left you. Doing things you weren't able to do while you were together. Like, spending time with friends and family, or taking classes.

    I know it is risky, because it's like a test to see how much he really wants to be with you.If he really wants to work it out, and change, he will take the time to prove it to you. But if he quits calling... then it might mean that he gave up.

    Before you do this... you have to think about what you REALLY want. He walks out when things get rough. He gives up on you when he doesn't know what to do. If you get married, you both will run into BIGGER problems..what will he do then?When you have kids together, and they get on his nerves, what will he do? Is that the kind of future you want?

    You have to set your standards, and stick to it. Show him that you won't settle for less. No matter how much you love him, if he can't stick around, then he is not worth your time.

    How much pain can one person really take...

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    • You are very smart. I felt as if I didn't mean anything...I went 6 weeks too without calling him but he was the one that left...So, you think that I should call him and tell him I lied? I will always love him, he is a good man when he's not "running" I have been firm on what I want, but how can you tell if someones actually gonna stick it out??You know? He always comes back to me and told me he always will.I think in some strange way he really loves me too. I don't think I will hear from him now.

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    • Thanks girl for all of your help!!!

    • Hey :) Thanks :)

      I hope it works out

What Guys Said 1

  • I have the same problem with my fiance,We been together for 5 years. we were supposed to get married next year, but she keeps saying she doesn't love me enough to get married. Last thursday she ask me what could we do to get married this year. Its off and on with her, today she loves me and a week later she doesnt. She says she is trying to stop feeling like that. She has joint and bone problems, I am always here to help and understand her with that. I never gave up on her and her conditon. I give this girl my all. Just like that she says she doesn't feel the same about me. I never cheated on her or hurt her. I never cussed her out or hit her. I am so true to this girl.She always tell me how lucky she is to have a man like me. She cries in my arms and says she is very fornuate to have someone who cares about her while she is going through this with her body. Anyway she pull this same stunt two weeks ago.. She told me I can come get my ring. It wasnt even a whole day yet then she begged me to talk to her and see why she is feeling like that. I didn't answer her calls or text messages. She tried coming over my house to talk. She begged me to talk and take her back. So just wait, and ignore him. He will call you trust me. My former fiance pull the same the stunt this past Sunday, I told ok go find what you are loking for because its not me. Its been two days since I talked to her. She is gonna crack because I don't need her. I believe my life would be better without her, but I really love and cherished this girl. She was always calling me asking me for help with her body. She needs me more than I need her. So when she calls me I'm not going to answer. Me and You need to show these people what life would be without us. We need to let them miss us for a while. SHOW HIM YOU HAVE LIFE WITHOUT HIM. In the meantime we need to go have fun, laugh and smile. I'm sure you are a very beautiful young lady. He will realize what he is leaving behind TRUST ME SWEETHEART. have a great day

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    • Im SOOOO sorry that you are going through this too. Its really hard to tell someone you love that you met someone else...and make it up. I'm feeling like I could be with him RIGHT NOW, but I may not have that chance again because of what I did. Ironic, because I am feeling the way I want HIM to feel. You are doing the right thing too, you should tell her to make up her mind and when she's sure to call you. If she didn't talk to you for 6 wks would you have tried to put a scare in her too? Thanks

    • Thankyou soo much, it was nice having a guys point of view, good luck to you!!!

What Girls Said 3

  • I was on and off for a year with my partner who also had a bad case of the disappearing act.

    At first he told me that it was just that he felt bad because he "had screwed up" so he'd rather forget the situation than fix it. That turned out to be totally bogus, because I called him on the rug about it, I said "You don't just disappear because you feel like you f***ed up, that's bull, if you really gave a damn like you claimed you did, you would have worked things out, you would have called, we would have talked it out. Tell me the real reason."

    The truth turned out to be that he still had feelings for the girl before me, and he was trying to figure out ways to get back with her, but he knew that his ex wasn't worth it, she controlled every aspect of his life.

    Guys disappear because they have something they want to hide, you need to confront him on his disappearing act. If he really loved you, if he REALLY gave a damn about you, he should have the balls to tell you what he's trying to hide.

    Otherwise, get out and go see other people, you're too good for this and too mature for this kind of nonsense. Find a man who respects you.

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    • Thankyou, I'm positive it doesn't have anything to do with a girl, I'm pretty sure it has to do with freedom and friends..He always makes comments about "giving up his friends for me", like he is losing his identity. He wants to take off with them here and there, and if I want to do something different, its a big problem. Thanks for understanding...

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    • Oh I agree, but its a matter of him wanting to do things with them all of the time. We don't go out on dates anymore...Thats the major problem between us...He does do a lot with his friends but when it comes to us....nothing. I feel like I am good to sit in front of the t.v with. I just wanted to keep the spark alive..You know it sucks to share the stresses and not have good alone time outside of the house...He has gone on 3 vacations with his friends since weve been a couple, our vacations?none

    • Yeah.

      I would do your own disappearing act here hon. He's not going to get it together any time soon.

      Go out and enjoy your life. If he comes crawling back, just smirk and say "Do you see how I felt?"

  • Ooh I hate that. My first thought is to not give him the satisfaction of going back. If it was so easy for him to dip out on you like that then his feelings for you weren't that strong. When guys do a disappearing act they are not being considerate of your feelings. If you get right back with him he will think it's okay because it's like he can come in and out of your life whenever he wants to. If you are in love with him and know that he is truly a good man then talk with him and tell him how you feel. See what he says. If it's meant to be you guys can get back together in the future but take things verrry slowly lol. If he can wait and build trust back then he's worth it, if he can't then he's not. Hope everything works out for the best*

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    • Thankyou, I don't see him trying very hard...A phone call and asking if we could talk and he expected me to jump...I told him I've been there through thick and thin, I expected more out of him. I even asked him why I didn't feel like he would do everything and anything for me...He knew I was ALWAYS there. At the end of the conversation, he told me to go talk to my new boyfriend and be happy with a sarcasm in his voice...I would tell him how I feel, but then he would expect me to jump right in again. ugh

  • just if you really have feelings for him then talk to him and convince him some how that you lied.

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    • Right after I lied I wanted to call him and tell him.He always assumes that I am gonna be there when he comes back...So, I think I'm ok with what I did. I have been thinking for the past 6 wks that he left me for someone else, that he really didn't love me, it was an emotional HELL.Will he call, or will I never talk to him again, and I'm sure he was out there having a good time. How do I know he didn't come back because it failed with someone else? I love him but I need to change this pattern. Thankyou

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