What should you and shouldn't you do on a first date?

Hi, I'm 17 and this guy I met in summer who's 18 asked me out for next weekend. We've been involved for about 4 months now, and he's said a lot that he loves me and has strong feelings for me. I've never been on a date before let alone been in a proper relationship, but he's had girlfriends. Since I'm pretty inexperienced in dating, is there any advice you could give me, and this is a bit random but do people usually kiss at the end of the first date? Thanks :) xx


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Most people your age have absolutely no idea what to do on dates, other than what their feelings tell them to do (be physically close, and perhaps sexual). The true purpose of dating has been mostly given over to desire at first, but what happens is that people then have a series of bad relationships and end up getting hurt, and only then, a few years down the road, to most people start to ask what they've been doing wrong, and start thinking about what dating is supposed to be for.

    The purposes of dating are:

    1. To "get to know" the other person (i.e., their personality)

    2. To see if they are compatible with you from a relationship standpoint.

    3. To see if there is "chemistry" (infatuation/sexual desire)

    4. To get to know more about yourself, and what your REAL, ACTUAL needs are in a relationship.

    Most people, especially with their early relationships, only care about #3, and as a result, they often have horrifically bad relationships. Your emotions will happily steer you towards a person who is completely wrong for you, and if you follow them blindly, you are likely in for a rough ride. Yet when it's all new to you, you tend to completely give in to your emotions, and they become SO powerful that it's very easy to get lost in them, and to become VERY vulnerable. That's why you can get hurt so badly when things go wrong.

    Most people have to experience being badly hurt several times before they realize that they have to try another approach, and start taking the other points more seriously, and some people *never* figure that out, and have a lifetime of bad relationships.

    When you are young, you usually have no idea what's important to you in a relationship, and so you tend to be very superficial. "Does he look good? Is she hot? Is he popular? Is she wild?" Using these criteria to pick a mate often has comically bad results, and so later, you tend to figure out "oh, okay, I need a person who is emotionally stable, who can see me at least 4 days a week, who doesn't have a crazy family, and who takes relationships seriously."

    You start asking a lot of questions on dates, about things like "what does a relationship mean to you?" and "what are your plans for the next year or two?" You might find out that the person doesn't really want a relationship, or they're moving away in 3 months, and that might make you reconsider getting involved with them. Maybe you feel strongly about religion, or education, or sex, and they have an opposing view. It's good to find those things out before you get deeply involved or emotionally attached, and THAT is what dating is for.

    Understanding that is FAR more important than deciding whether or not to kiss him at the end of the date. It's YOUR heart on the line, after all.

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    • wow, thanks very much for answering! Yeah I am really new to dating stuff, so that was interesting to read :) xx

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    • I didn't (intend to) mean that sexual attraction wasn't important; it is. But when you are new to relationships (Jr High or HS for most of us), you tend to choose partners almost EXCLUSIVELY on attraction, because those feelings of infatuation are new and VERY powerful, and you haven't yet learned that it takes much more than just attraction to have a SUCCESSFUL relationship.

      Most people have to get hurt a few times before they look at things *in addition to* attraction.

    • Another problem is young people tend to not know what they need in a relationship until they have a few bad ones. In my example, perhaps she choose a guy who is maybe a great guy, but he has so many other activities that he doesn't have time for her. After dating a guy for a year that she only sees once every other week, she realizes that she felt lonely the whole time, and that any guy she dates in the future needs to have more free time to spend with her. Guys make the same kinds of mistakes.

What Guys Said 4

  • Its really down to how things go and how you feel about the kiss. It also depends on how shy both of you are.

    Usually though, its good if you want to see more of the guy after the first date (in a romantic light) to at the very least give him a peck on the cheek so he can know where he stands. Though, like I say, nothings set in stone.

    I'd say a good first date is one where you both have fun, you manage to find things in common and at the end your both looking/questing for when the next time will be.

    Things you shouldn't do:

    1) Have the first date anywhere you love going to or that's somewhere you will be regularly.

    2) Have them meet other family members or close friends (excepting possibly by accident or common aquaintance).

    3) Don't over commit yourself on your feelings for them or let yourself imagine your sure of how they feel.

    4) Don't over think what they say (take things at face value)

    Things you should do:

    1) Go somewhere public, somewhere you won't be just the two of you alone

    2) Make sure friends and or family know where you will be (even if they don't know why and with who.. but best to say if that won't cause a big problem).

    3) If you approve of or like they way they are being, let hands brush theirs and position yourself close to them

    4) If you feel worried or concerned, express your concerns, if they don't make you feel relaxed don't be afraid to be stand-off'ish and don't feel it rude to decide to end the date early (don't need to make a big deal of it either tho).

    5) Talk about topics which your interested in, but not ones which are very close to your heart.

    6) Give them lots of benifit of the dobut.. people always mess up on first dates.. you probably won't be any exception and will need this from them.

    7) Relax as much as possible.

    8) Keep your boundaries clear, but if you need to tell them to not do something and the reason is because of boundaries not that you may not sometime in the future wish to go there. Just turn them down gently and say "we'll see" and smile after. If your sure what they do is something you will never ever want.. just say "No"... and follow up with a nutral expression (neither happy nor sad) and say "I'm sorry, but that's very much not who I am".

    Good luck,

    May all your dates be easy and fun :)

    DD

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    • aww thanks very much for your answer! :) I asked about the kissing on the first date thing, because even though I've asked him before if he'd kiss me if we were out together and he said probably not unless the perfect moment came, I'm wondering if he might try to next weekend as we text/ email quite a lot and he has said he just wants to hug and kiss me, and even daydreams about kissing me :)

    • Aww, sweet :). Hope things go really well for you!

  • Do: learn about each other, have fun

    Don't: develop intense feelings already

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  • Think of what would you like him to be on a date. Do the same.

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  • Just talk with him about it when your there aswell, it'll add conversation

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What Girls Said 1

  • Just 4 months and he's already claiming he loves you? Uhh that is most likely not love lol, you guys probably barely even know each other...

    And instead of asking about if its okay to kiss on the first date, why don't you instead let the desire to kiss come naturally instead of trying to know what society thinks of kissing on the first date? If you feel it isn't right or that its too forward, or whatever, then go with what you feel instead of what society thinks.

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