Is it okay for my wife's ex-boyfriend to visit daughter?

My wife had a child with another man before we were together. She then dated another man who was not the father but her friend before. They dated for about 2 years and ever since he has been apart of her daughters life. The father splits time 5050 with the mother. Now I am her step father. Should I be okay with ny wife still being in contact with this guy? Should I be okay with him visiting my stepdaughter? Is it okay for her to travel 4 hours to visit his mother with the stepdaughter? Not once have I met this guy or his family. Am I wrong for wanting them to go away?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you are partly over reacting! No he isn't the father but he was there when the father wasnt! she knows him as family! I think it's fair for him to be able to see her, treat him like an uncle not the father! as far as letting her travel with him, yes I see your concern! have you actually sat down and talked to your wife and this friend to try and work something out? maybe he's willing to work something out! like around certain holidays/school breaks or whatever he's allowed to visit and see her! it doesn't hurt to have him around a bit, don't kick him out of her life unless he gives you a good reason to! try and compromise, although you are married to your new wife you have to remember biologically your step daughter is just as much his daughter as she is yours! but mentally, and emotionally I'm sure she's just like your own, and did you ever think that maybe how he feels. if he's been there since the beginning he probably has strong feelings for her...feelings any parent or relative has for a child they love!

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    • I don't think he's over reacting. Try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel about this? Those situation are perfectly understandable, and no questions can even be asked when the child is the "real child " of the guy, meaning he's actually his real father. But that isn't the case here. Also keep in mind that his wife and ex boyfriend dated for about 2 years only which isn't that much when you take a closer look at it.

      Also, treating him like an uncle as you suggested would be extremely

    • difficult for him because he'll have this doubt deep inside that he's certainly the one who is the uncle while in his stepdaughter eyes, the other guy remains the father.

      So yeah sure, I understand, maybe that guy cares only about the child. But there are different degrees to being concerned. Maybe he needs to step back and realize that this child was never his to begin with and that this could happen, he needs to respect his ex girlfriend (question asker's wife) choice to move on with another man.

What Girls Said 11

  • I understand your concern. This man isn't biologically related to the child and since he's not in a relationship with her mother, he shouldn't be in the picture anymore.

    I find it very weird that he comes to visit. And I don't really understand this part of your question : "Is it okay for her to travel 4 hours to visit his mother with the stepdaughter" It's unclear to me who is travelling with whom to visit who exactly?

    Also how old is your stepdaughter? Does she get to see her biological father from time to time or is he completely out of her life?

    I seriously understand your concern. It's going to be a tricky situation if your step daughter is still attached to her former step dad (especially if he's the first father she's had). Have you talked about this with your wife?

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  • I think it's totally fine. He wants to be a part of the girl's life and she deserves all of the love and happiness she can get. You don't need to meet this guy's family. Your wife trusts him, so you should too. You cannot tell your wife who she can and cannot contact. That's just asking for trouble.

    That being said, you'd be well within your rights to keep an eye on him when he visits.

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  • No, you aren't wrong, but you should consider what it would do to your step daughter to just rip that away from her. Speak to your wife about it, tell her that you aren't comfortable with it, especially not knowing him. I, personally, wouldn't find it "okay" for the traveling 4 hours for his mother to visit your stepdaughter. If his mother really wants to be in contact, she should make the drive unless it is physically impossible for her. I think this also depends on how often these "visits" are. If your wife is ONLY in contact with him for her daughter, then you should just cool down about it and try not to worry so much . . . but, if it's a talking throughout the day type of thing, you should REALLY say something to her. Don't be aggressive, tell her how it really makes you feel.

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  • She's not your child any more than she is his. Just because you married her mother doesn't mean you can dictate who is a part of her life. They obviously became close over those two years. If anyone is going to cut off that relationship, it should be her mom.

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  • Absolutely. He has every right to visit his child.

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  • I think he was a part of the stepdaughters life and its okay to be in there. Trust your wife and just talk about any concerns you have with her. I would only question this if its shady behavior. Maybe you need to meet him yourself and know who is around your family, then you will be more at peace with this.

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  • I don't see the problem with it, and I don't think you should dictatate who they choose to see. This guy may to be her father, but neither are you, I think you need to leave this decision up to your wife and step-daughter. Also, family is what you make it, if he was around alot, felt like a father figure to her and he's not doing any harm I say just let them be

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  • Yes. I can imagine how you feel but the father and your step father need to know each other. It's important and can really emotionally mess one or both up not being able to. As a child coming from adopted AND divorced / split up parents (split up birth, divorced adopted ) I can attest how important it was for me to see all of them.

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  • "he has been apart of her daughters life" you mean THEIR daughters life. I think you should meet your step daughter's dad, you consider her family right? It would make sense to meet him, he should want to meet you too. No, You can't make him go away.. its his daughter too, he deserves to see her.

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    • It's not the ex boyfriends biological daughter, so it is HER daughter

  • NO.

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  • He isn't her daughter so it seems strange that they take 4 hour drives to visit one another. Just seems like there is an alterier motive for him seeing your wife and her child to me. I would just be honest with her and express your concern. However, you don't have any right to tell her not to do this so I wouldn't be demanding about it but tell her what's on your mind and that it bothers you and see what she says.

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What Guys Said 5

  • Is it fare that that child loses his father because of you? Trust me, you make her choose, and she will choose her daughter without even blinking her eyes... It's her daughter, and you will never ever get that little thing away from her.

    About the father, you're not forced to have him in your own house, if that's the case, but that will make you look like a jerk in front of her and, most importantly, in from of HER daughter.

    I may have misunderstood it, but anyways... I don't think you should do what ever you want to do, really...

    You may talk to her and I'm sure she will answer it, since she putted you up on that situation, but she will never say "okay" about her daughter's father have the full custody because of you, or anyone else. At least I wouldn't

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    • he's not the biological father . He's her former step dad.

    • He is still a big pillar for her! She deserves to be with him... Anyways, I think that should be your wife's decision, but it is better for you (and for her, in the future to prevent other problems related to this) to speak to her, face to face and all by your selves.

      Just, don't take that from her child. It is really unfair for her :/

  • If you are so worried about it, why not ask your wife if you can go with her and her daughter to see this guy? And then two things, one, judging by her reaction to this request you will have a better feel for what her intentions are on this 4 hour drive (because if he really wanted to see the kid why isn't he picking her up?). And two, you could then meet this guy to see what his story is. I'm sorry if I'm off point on this, but that's my opinion

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  • Not necessarily, he is not the father and has no legal right. at the same time he was part of your daughters life. though if you do let him it would be wise to make sure she understands who is the one raising her now.

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  • I don't trust it. I don't blame you.

    It's a cute story and all, but I'm not buying it.

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    • Hold on, you're asking is it okay that the daughter see's the guy she only dated for 2 years? Or her biological father?

      OF COURSE she should be able to see her biological father and her grandmother.

      I don't think you're asking that, though. If it's that 2 year guy, f*** no.

  • I mean just because you slap a ring on someones finger, doesn't mean it gives you the right to dictate who can and can't visit her or her child. If he was abusive in any way, then you have a right to step in and protect your wife, but otherwise you really have no say. I actually admire the guy for wanting to be involve in his childs life.

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