I been with him 9 years! and I find him disloyal!

i been with my partner about 9 years...

randomly I text off my cousin phone yesterday sayin hi,

he didn't know it wo me, but he text back straight away... initiating a conversation with a stranger (me)

i igonred it, and let my cousin text him (she doesn't know) so she's texting to find out who it is and he's texting her back and getting really cozy

he only told me he loved me a week before and was takig about marriage, wanting to settle down with me

he's the real reserved type and is always telling me he doesn't speak to girls.. I've encouraged him to speak to girls and be 'normal'

now I'm irritated as I don''t know what to make of this

should I test him or just leave it

tnk you to every1 who has left a comment. has been quite an eye opener.

firstly I said I been with him about 9 years, I was16 going on17 when we first met, and I am 24 now

as for testing him,i wasn't testing him,i just text of my cousin phone saying and hi, and left it

since,i have found he messages her everyday every few hours, has been flirty with her, asking to meet, commenting on her picture,wt she wearn, saying he'd like to get to know her intimately

i have seen these msgs for myself
also I'd like to make clear, the reason why I posed 'should I test him' was only as short while ago he wanted to get married to me (he's told me he loves me quite a few times)

i was asking should I come clean and tell him it was me and think nothing of it. or allow for my cuzn to text him and him none the wiser

i now have evidence that he would like to get another girl intimately and I'm sorry if anyone out there thinks I'm wrong but I dnt like the the fact he rathr be with sm1 else and not me


Most Helpful Guy

  • I once had a girl I was dating "testing" me exactly like that, one time, within days of meeting she called me REALLY drunk from her half sisters cellphone, now said sister was from a different state and practically the only person from that state I have ever met, so months later I get those test messages from a number of that state, I inmediately know "it is her" (she never even mentioned she had a half sister, weeks later I asked her were she was she said "at grandma's" only later admitted that indeed she was not getting wasted with her grandma :P I guess the alcohol was that much that she didn't even remembered calling that night).

    my Girlfriend knows I am social and that I have many good female friends, but this other girl I was dating was like "hell no, he can not talk to anybody" so she tested me to see if I would bite the hook, so I get those messages from her "grandma" telling me how handsome I am and I am like "ohhh thanks, I am blushing" and a lot of smiley faces and winks, I was not being "disloyal", I KNEW it was her, and quite honestly it pissed me off, but took it easy and decided to be playful about it, I never truly flirted with the "grandma" just wrote " :) you seem to be charming too", and when she was like "come home and watch a movie with me" I simply said "haha thanks again but from the phone numbre I can see you are far away" then she was like "yes, the phone is from away but I am visiting here" and I am like "so :) enjoy your stay" and stop answering for good.

    next thing I know she is complaining and everything and I am like "I am the one who should be angry, if you trust me fine, if you don't gom play games on another man", and well, she did, she found herself a boytoy and I wish them look, even if she had decided to stay, before the incident I had already gotten creepy vibes from her, the "test" just proved me right, she came back when her anger faded but I knew better, offer her my friendship, and it was honest, it still is, but I don't want a girl like that for a relationship.

    I understand, people can be hurt and then find it hard to trust again, but that is your problem and only you can solve it, if you have trust issues even if he was the sweetest man you will be second guessing everything and angry and sad, is not up to him to solve your trust issues, he can hyelp, and he would probably be pleased to, and you may say "and if he indeed is not worth my trust?" well, again, love requires faith, people will fail intentionally or not, if he is someone you try and trust do it, if not, don't test him, leave him, you are irritated by him "failing" your "test" think how irritated you would be if he were testing YOU, I bet you will be "my Boyfriend doesn't trust me, then he SURELY doesn't love me at all, if he loved me he would believe in me"

    • That is the Paradox. The girls that play these games would never accept them being played on them. But they expect your love to overcome their pettiness. Because they are so worth it. Low self esteem and narcissism doesn't mix well...

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    • he really likes a random stranger? o.O you sure he is not turning the "test" on you? of course he may be an idiot, but then again, you chose that idiot, the advise is still the same, if he is otherwise worthy solve your issues and trust him as much as you can, if he is not or you can not trust him, leave him

    • oh, and again, do not "confront him", think how it would be:

      "hey, you are cheating!" -how do you know?- "I have been fooling you"

      he may be cheating with a girl on his MIND, you are entitled to doubt him your mind too, but you ACTED on that suspisions, he has not acted on his, you both have failed, forgive each other or break up


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What Guys Said 14

  • Okay so there are plenty of red flags going off in my head right now about the validity of this article. How have you two been together nine years and you are younger than 24? How is that it took him 8 years to tell you he loves you? This is just highly illogical. So for the rest of this I will pretend that you meant months.

    So first off it depends on what you mean by "cozy" if you mean he was just texting her a lot about who she is then you might be over reacting a bit, if you mean he's texting things like "I'd love to meet you" or "you sound cute" or as such then that should be major foretelling of the rest of your relationship. If anything you should CALMLY talk to him about what boundaries do you two believe should be in place in your relationship. As much as I hate tests, if after that and he is still texting your cousin you may want to ask her to step it up a notch. Again only after you have discussed boundaries with him. If he does get very flirtatious with her (by very I mean asking for her picture or wanting to meet) then you may want to call it quits as this is part of his personality that he needs to grow out of.

    Trust me, you don't want to get to the point of being engaged or married and your heart gets destroyed because he goes too far with this kind of stuff and then cheats on you. Sorry, that may of course be my personal bias

  • Only test if your ready for the unexpected, because if you find gaps in the trust you have for him, then there's no real relationship until those gaps close, and this could be just some harmless fun, but if you go deeper, you could end up damaging something that doesn't need fixing, so think carefully, this could be innocent fun and he could think its just a wind up, but if you go deeper and try and make say things you don't agree with, this could really end all what you already have, if you trust him, let that be enough, if you dont, then question your relationship and work on it, don't go out to destroy it just to find something out, or not,x

  • No, play roles with him, tell him you're eager to meet him but too shy to talk face to face. Arrange to meet him somewhere. Then stand him up and watch his reaction.

    If you have a friend willing to play along, someone he wouldn't recognize, it would be fun to have her meet him for a date and see what he says to her!

  • You are irritated that he is "disloyal" because he talked to a "stranger". How would he feel about your dishonesty? Women think it is their right and their job to test men. would you enjoy him doing these kind of things to you? if you are just playing games with him You should leave it. If you have feelings he is being cheating on you. You should leave him. And I don't say that to mean he is most likely cheating. I mean it in the way that if you are having unfounded suspicions about someone you claim to love. It will only blow up in your face. And you will do more damage to another human being than needed. So that is Why I say walk away. But. If you are just bored and looking to just add some excitement to your life. I say grow the hell up. And stop acting like a 12 year old.

  • He is doing exactly what you told him to to. You did not go into detail about "how the conversation went", meaning if it went sexual or not. Or if they talked about hooking up or anything. Or if she asked if he had a girlfriend and he lied or something like that.

    But it sounds like he is going exactly what you told him he "should do".

    Don't be one of those, "don't do as I ask" females. Some guys do listen.

    • sometimes the obvious is in front of you

      i do encourage him to do that but he doesn't.

      good point, its not been sexual yet, or anything about hooking up,

      i guess 1) he always tells me he's not into that kind of thing (so I'm a little taken aback)

      2) he doesn't message me but has time to message a 'strange girl'


      i'll let it go, and wait til I find out what he says to the girlfriend q and if he takes flirtation a little too far

  • I think you should calm down. When I get a text message from someone I don't know, I also reply, and sometime I enjoy exchanging a few messages. It's adventurous and fun and doesn't mean I would cheat on you.

    We all like to have some excitement in our lives sometimes.

  • Like to get another girl intimately? Is he Married? If not yeah he most likely would. But does he is the question. But that's all irrelevant. when you treat people like that you get what you are looking for.

    • how do you mean?

      he is not married but has been wanting to marry me... I have not once doubted him in 9 yr

      as soon as another girl enters he's gone gaga over her...


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    • Wanting to have sex with women isn't an "Entitlement" It is a natural drive in most men. We can choose to suppress that drive to show our affection towards a specific woman. But the drive will still be there. Do you expect him to not find other women attractive at all? And should he not say how he feels? Would you rather he not tell you or them how he feels? I just don't think you know enough about a person until you have lived with that person. A lot is lost in translation when it comes to that

    • He can find other women attractive and say how he feels to them AND me. But he tells me I'm the only one for him etc and tell other women he wants to bonk their brains out. I find tht odd. Because he's always wanted to 'commit' to me and tell me this yet he will chat to other women and arrange sexual meetings with thm. How is that wanting to commit? N we have been together on off 10 yr

  • He's going to have sex with your cousin, simple as that. Her sweat will be on the pillow you sleep on.

  • Since you've been encouraging him to talk to girls may be he is just trying it out.

    I think you should talk to him about it (usually with the 4 most annoying words to guys "we need to talk")

  • what was the text saying . if it was like who is this how do I know you. that be fine.. if he is saying lets hook up or share pictures, I wouldn't be with the guy at all. it would say to me that he's always looking for someone better.

    • and that's exactly what has happened... after ten year

  • "should I test him or just leave it"

    I don't know about your boyfriend, but personally, I won't tolerate "tests". If I found out a girl's given me one (regardless of whether I "passed" or not), we're done. Permanently.

  • That's called entrapment.

  • So you have been with him since you were 11 or so. There seem to be many contradictions in this story as well. Are you controlling and pretend to not be?

    • heavens no!

      im 24 and we got together when I was 15

      im not controlling, and certainly don't pretend to be. I say it like it is

  • Just leave it. He was talking to a stranger. It's not like he was sexting somebody. Christ woman, get a grip on yourself.

    • i just found out he was... he's been telling a 'stranger' he wants to do things to her.

      what do you say to that?

What Girls Said 1

  • Don't get too hot-headed over this because you could end up overreacting. If the convo gets iffy though, make it known to him.

    • thanks - I'll remain calm and if it gets iffy I'll have a chat and talk about needs, feelings and where the relationship is going (he'll hate that) :)

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    • "He shouldn't get mad at all especially if he cares about your feelings."

      You mean the feelings of the girl who basically just told him she doesn't trust him after he has done nothing to violate that trust or warrant a "test"? Would you consider a guy's feelings you "cared abut" if he had sex with someone else? Because that statement is just as absurd...

    • Why don't you take the time out to read the question first, Rick56? Maybe your comment will make more sense.