My ex and I have been dating for four years, the last year and half have been on/off due to his infidelity. We had an argument while he was on vacation with his friends, he got wasted and slept with another girl. Since then things went down hill from there. I broke things off with him but he begged for forgiveness and I took him back two months later. However, things just became worse because I just couldn't trust him again. I had to check his Facebook, phone, email, etc just to feel secure in our relationship. I didn't like the person I became so I broke up with him. 6 months later, he contacted me again begging me to take him back that he will make it up to me. We started talking again, slowly at first. About two months in, I found out via a friend that he was on POF and other dating websites. I confronted him about it and he admited he was on the site but hadn't logged in since we started talking. He isn't very smart, uses same password for everything so I figured out his usn and pass and logged in. Sure enough he had been talking to girls and giving out his contact info throughout the two months we were working on things. The point is, he has lied time nad time again. What is wrong with me that knowing ALL of this and experiencing all this heartache, that I can still love him? I just can't wrap my head around it. I know I am smarter than that, I know I deserve better, yet he calls or texts and I respond. And its not like I'm not able to get other dates, in fact I have guys lining up to take me out on dates but right when I start to do just that and move on he manages to come in and mess it all up. He is my weakness. I really want to move on from him but it has been a year and half in the making and I just can't let go. I am afraid that all the hard work I put into our relationship- someone else will benefit from. I am afraid that he will treat the next girl better. I am afraid that I will keep falling for guys like him. I am afraid of the unknown. He is my comfort, regardless of how awful he treats me. It is what I've know for four years. It has become my "norm" in a sense. As sick as that sounds. I'm just so disgusted with myself but I keep coming up with excuses and reasons as to why its OK to respond to him, to believe him, etc. It all comes down to the fact that I love him.
I don't know if anyone can help me- with some sincere advice. I have become so unhealthy mentally and emotionally and I hate who I am right now. I hate what this has done to me as a person. I need to let go and move on. Just not sure how.
Most Helpful Guy
I get it. You're afraid to be seen as a "failure" due to your investment in this relationship. It's not uncommon to feel that way, but you need to STOP.
The thing about investments is that they don't always pay off. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. You have ALREADY lost, yet you keep spending more time and effort trying to bail water from a ship that has already sunk to the bottom.
A smart investor knows when to cut his losses, and that time has long past. Every additional minute you spend, and every calorie of effort, is just increasing your losses. The ship is already sunk, so upgrading the GPS software or buying new linen for the dining tables aren't going to help anything.
Every investor has losses, and the most successful investors all have some spectacular ones, because they've all took big chances, and as smart as they were and as much knowledge as they had at their disposal, the fact is that sometimes you lose. The fact that they lost on some investments doesn't make them a loser, it usually makes them smarter and better in the long run. The same can be true of a relationship investment; a loss doesn't mean you're a failure, it means you need to be smarter and take a more active role in the future, which will reduce your exposure to risk the next time.
You are acting like the victim instead of being in charge of your destiny. No one is in charge of everything, and no one is immune to losses, but if you dwell on a loss, or worse, throw good money after bad, you will only spiral down into a deeper loss.
It's time to cut your losses and move on.0