Why do I keep going back to my lying cheating EX?

My ex and I have been dating for four years, the last year and half have been on/off due to his infidelity. We had an argument while he was on vacation with his friends, he got wasted and slept with another girl. Since then things went down hill from there. I broke things off with him but he begged for forgiveness and I took him back two months later. However, things just became worse because I just couldn't trust him again. I had to check his Facebook, phone, email, etc just to feel secure in our relationship. I didn't like the person I became so I broke up with him. 6 months later, he contacted me again begging me to take him back that he will make it up to me. We started talking again, slowly at first. About two months in, I found out via a friend that he was on POF and other dating websites. I confronted him about it and he admited he was on the site but hadn't logged in since we started talking. He isn't very smart, uses same password for everything so I figured out his usn and pass and logged in. Sure enough he had been talking to girls and giving out his contact info throughout the two months we were working on things. The point is, he has lied time nad time again. What is wrong with me that knowing ALL of this and experiencing all this heartache, that I can still love him? I just can't wrap my head around it. I know I am smarter than that, I know I deserve better, yet he calls or texts and I respond. And its not like I'm not able to get other dates, in fact I have guys lining up to take me out on dates but right when I start to do just that and move on he manages to come in and mess it all up. He is my weakness. I really want to move on from him but it has been a year and half in the making and I just can't let go. I am afraid that all the hard work I put into our relationship- someone else will benefit from. I am afraid that he will treat the next girl better. I am afraid that I will keep falling for guys like him. I am afraid of the unknown. He is my comfort, regardless of how awful he treats me. It is what I've know for four years. It has become my "norm" in a sense. As sick as that sounds. I'm just so disgusted with myself but I keep coming up with excuses and reasons as to why its OK to respond to him, to believe him, etc. It all comes down to the fact that I love him.

I don't know if anyone can help me- with some sincere advice. I have become so unhealthy mentally and emotionally and I hate who I am right now. I hate what this has done to me as a person. I need to let go and move on. Just not sure how.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I get it. You're afraid to be seen as a "failure" due to your investment in this relationship. It's not uncommon to feel that way, but you need to STOP.

    The thing about investments is that they don't always pay off. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. You have ALREADY lost, yet you keep spending more time and effort trying to bail water from a ship that has already sunk to the bottom.

    A smart investor knows when to cut his losses, and that time has long past. Every additional minute you spend, and every calorie of effort, is just increasing your losses. The ship is already sunk, so upgrading the GPS software or buying new linen for the dining tables aren't going to help anything.

    Every investor has losses, and the most successful investors all have some spectacular ones, because they've all took big chances, and as smart as they were and as much knowledge as they had at their disposal, the fact is that sometimes you lose. The fact that they lost on some investments doesn't make them a loser, it usually makes them smarter and better in the long run. The same can be true of a relationship investment; a loss doesn't mean you're a failure, it means you need to be smarter and take a more active role in the future, which will reduce your exposure to risk the next time.

    You are acting like the victim instead of being in charge of your destiny. No one is in charge of everything, and no one is immune to losses, but if you dwell on a loss, or worse, throw good money after bad, you will only spiral down into a deeper loss.

    It's time to cut your losses and move on.

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What Guys Said 6

  • We don't make decisions based on logic until we're mature enough to know how.

    Most of us, including you it seems, rely on our "feelings" to help us make choices.

    Why do we cheat on our diets? Because we FEEL like eating junk food. It's quick, it tastes good in the moment, and it dulls us into inaction and distraction.

    This guy is junk food for you. He's a guilty distraction.

    You keep him around because it's easier to just chase someone who spikes your adrenaline than it is to make the hard, but healthy, choices.

    Basically you prefer feeling good in the moment over feeling good about yourself in the long term.

    Because this kind of guy keeps you feeling sorry for yourself while slowly eroding your self esteem and respect. And the pay off is the distraction he brings.

    It's EASY to be distracted from the harsh realities we don't want to face... that's why we chase cheaters and cheat on our diets, and bury our heads in the sand. But it's harmful longterm and will leave you fat with regret.

    When you look back 5years from now you'll feel disappointed in yourself for being lead around like a child and for being too immature to make the hard decisions, like moving on and getting your sh*t together.

    This isn't a judgement, we ALL do this. Even now I'm responding to your questions as a way of distracting me from my work.

    The trick is to use emotion in order to make the RIGHT decisions instead of the EASY decisions.

    Of course it's easy to stay with someone who cheats because it's familiar, it's easy, and he'll lavish you with extra attention... AND you get to secretly hold contempt for him, which makes you feel "justified" when you're an a**hole back to him.

    The hard choice is walking away and taking time to open your eyes to really face your life choices and future life decisions. And taking action SEEMS hard when you're standing still... but once you start moving in the right direction each new decisions gets easy AND brings a mature self satisfaction that builds self esteem and confidence.

    That warm feeling of accomplishment that shows up in our belly after busting our ass to finish a project IS a reward we forget.

    We can trick our emotions to help us by imagining a future that we'll miss out on if we stay on the sh*tty path we're on.

    When I'm dieting I will sit quietly and try to stir up my emotional images of a future self that's healthier, sleeps better, feels better, looks better, and enjoys buying firm fitting clothes... and I use the disappointment I feel to help motivate me forward in my diet.

    You can do that with your situation. Imagine yourself with someone new, worth getting to know, who doesn't judge, who's open and honest, who would never cheat, and who completely GETS you... and who knows how to tease and flirt just enough to keep you on your toes.

    You deserve someone better, don't you?

    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

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  • You need to stop dating, or seeing anyone, until you love your self, and have the confidence to say no to things that are not in your best interests. You should never stay with some one because you "fear" anything. You really need to talk to some one about your issues, and make sure you are ready to have a relationship.

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  • Stop seeing yourself as a victim and you will cease to be a victim.

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  • Sorry too lazy to ready this entire beautifull written run-on paragraph essay but based on the question, one of these reasons link

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    • :o

      I knew it! according to that video, all guys cheat! Even he accepts it! so the message is, if you love him stay with him, because they all cheat anyway, might as well stay with the one you love right?

      Stupid sh*t! guys are a**holes!

    • lmao no that's him being funny but if you look at every other point he's making though they're pretty valid

  • tl;dr.

    no.

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  • Why do you care about who he treats better? Find a guy who TREATS YOU BETTER

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What Girls Said 5

  • Sounds like you are dealing with a serious case of the what-ifs. I hear you, I do the same sometimes. In fact it seems like you have a good idea of why you do what you do, you're just stuck for a solution.

    First off, you need to "detox" yourself from him. You need space from him to finally be able to keep your emotions from taking over. Tell him you need space, delete his numbers, block him from social networking sites. All reminders of him is just going to make it 100x harder. In fact I think you may just need a few months to be fully single. Figure out what you truly want from your dating life. Heck, even make a list. Put down all the qualities that you want in a guy. I'm sure you've heard of that before. The thing that really makes a difference though is that you write a list that explains what kind of woman you would have to be to attract your "ideal guy". Pretty helpful. Once you yourself know what you want, it will be easier to spot what you DON'T want when you are with certain men. That will keep you from falling for the same guy over and over again.

    "I am afraid that all the hard work I put into our relationship- someone else will benefit from. I am afraid that he will treat the next girl better." - most people set up a dynamic in their relationships. His dynamic is that of the "user". The user takes, lies, and manipulates so that he can feel better. It's a way to fill a void inside of himself. Unless he actually gets some counseling and learns how to be complete within himself, it is doubtful he is going to treat a girl better than he treated you. See the truth is his behavior has nothing to do with you, it has to do with HIM. What he wants, needs, what he's afraid of, etc. You could be the most amazing woman in the world and he may not even be able to treat you good then.

    Here's some links that I think would be really beneficial to you:

    link

    link

    Both of these websites have amazing advice. You can also check out

    link

    I understand why you say he's your norm. When you are with someone as long as you were with him, you begin to entrust yourself to them. You begin to adapt to their behavior to the point that it doesn't really seem "wrong" to you anymore. When your heart isn't clouding your judgement, you began to see things clearer. You'll get through this, it will just take time. I know the GAG community loves to help and you can always friend me if you ever just want to release some of that toxic emotional pain. I'm running out of space, but I had more thoughts on this. I think I got the basics covered though. I hope some of this helps! Best wishes.

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  • You answered most of your own questions in this. You don't want to let go of him because you've grown comfortable with him and you're afraid of moving on and essentially having to start over.

    The bottom line is that he no longer makes you happy. He's lied to you, cheated on you, and completely disrespected you. If you take him back after all of that then he knows that he can get away with it and that cycle just perpetuates. once he's cheated and lied you can never get back what you had when you first started dating.

    Stop making excuses for him because you know deep down that if he really cared he would never hurt you like this. it doesn't matter if he was drunk or lonely or anything else. Because I'm sure you've gotten drunk and never slept with someone else while you were with him.

    I think the best thing you can do would be to break it off. Then one night when you're feeling particularly angry with the way he's treated you, write a letter to yourself telling you why you shouldn't give him another chance. So whenever you get the urge to call him or text him or let him explain himself, read the letter instead.

    I've been there before. Just be strong! Don't let him walk all over you anymore, you don't deserve it. Good luck!

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  • Oh, honey. :( You're not a failure. You're just directing your love and effort to an undeserving person.

    Please read something empowering, like Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi so you can get out of this cesspool of a relationship. Cheating is a form of emotional abuse, because he is lying and betraying your trust. You deserve to love yourself, and only gravitate toward people who love and respect you too.

    If you feel safe enough to leave, do it ASAP. If you feel he might retaliate, I advise calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline for some tips on how to sneak out safely.

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  • Like sunshine said, it sounds like you already know WHY you keep going back to him. You've been together awhile, it's comfortable. there's a four year investment, etc. The real question is: SHOULD you go back to him? And the answer to that is a big fat HELL NO! I know you want to believe that he can change and be better, but the fact is that's extremely unlikely. People don't usually change unless they really really want to because change takes work. If he really wanted to change and give you a better relationship, he would've done so after the first time you broke up with him. Now you're just stuck in a pattern, which brings us to the next most important question. Would you rather continue spending your time in guaranteed misery, or would you rather take the chance of breaking up and being alone in order to have the ability to find happiness with someone else?

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  • you should move on because he doesn't love you

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