Proposing for all the wrong reasons?

[leetaylor]

I feel sick to my stomach today. My girlfriend of 2 years has been pressuring me to propose for several months now. At first, it was acceptable to say I wasn't ready, but now she just thinks I'm incapable of making the move.

She gave me an ultimatum 2 months ago. She apologized, and I decided we better look at rings. We picked one out, and I have since purchased it. The date tied to her ultimatum has come and gone, and she's been a nervous wreck ever since. She broke up with me last week in a whirlwind of emotion, but then apologized the next day and told me that she was just stressed and tired of waiting.

I feel incredibly guilty that I haven't proposed yet. I feel obligated. She's leaving town tomorrow for business, but she also made plans to try on dresses next week while she's out of town, expecting that we would be engaged by then. She doesn't think I know this, but she's hinted at it. So basically, if I don't propose tonight, she has to cancel those dates.

Honestly, I was looking forward to a few days apart, just to clear my head of all the obligations, but I fear we may not make it through the day.

I'm just confused. Why don't I have that overwhelming feeling to propose? Why am I dragging my feet? Is it stubbornness? I don't won't to break up, but I feel pushed around. Emasculated. It has to be my decision. I'm sorry if my timing is inconvenient, but I can't do this for the wrong reasons.

All of this stress has taken it's toll on our relationship. I don't feel like we've been happy for awhile. It's not about us anymore, it's about wedding plans. Ugh. I'm frustrated. Sorry for the sketchy details.

What do you guys think? Do I just have cold feet? Is there more to the way I'm feeling than meets the eye?

Updates

+1 y

What a disaster. I've never seen someone so upset. The guilt is crushing. The few days apart have not been as restful as I had hoped. I just feel an impending doom. like if I don't make some grand gesture when she gets back, we'll be through. It absolutely breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. I feel ill. I get this feeling I should just sweep her off her feet, and make it all better, but my head and heart just aren't agreeing right now.

Updates

+1 y

Well, we're kind of talking again. It's really strange though. I really wasn't sure if she wanted to even see me anymore, but she informed me that she's going to SF for the weekend, and invited me to join. She also texted me a picture of what I can only guess is a wedding dress dust cover. Seriously!? On one hand I'm glad she's not upset, but on the other...I'm furious. I bought a plane ticket, but I'm not sure I'll end up going. I still don't think she gets it. Thanks for all the replies.

[diosadelanoche]

Oh, please. Please don't allow yourself to get bullied into this. As the other poster said, two years really isn't that long to have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Marriage is a HUGE commitment - and if it doesn't work out, you'll face humiliation, have wasted money on the wedding, and end up paying tons in legal fees for the divorce. You should be absolutely and 100% sure before you go into this, so you're right to drag your feet.

I know you're worried your indecision could be the death of your relationship, but honestly, if that's the case, it's probably for the best. Marriage is about compromise, communication, and respect. From what I can tell, she won't respect your decision and is taking a "my way or the high way" approach. What happens when she wants kids soon after the marriage and you're not ready yet? Is she going to divorce you if you don't give her what she wants when she wants it?

It seems to me that she's prioritizing her dream wedding over your relationship, and that's just not a good sign. She should feel comfortable and happy in your relationship, and she should want to make sure you're happy and comfortable too. If that were the case, I don't see why she would be in such a rush to get married. If your commitment is lifelong, why would a few extra years matter? Theoretically, you're going to be together forever anyway. Why not give you the time you need to want the marriage as much as she does?

Ultimately, you just have to do what feels right to you. If you'd rather save your relationship by proposing, then so be it. But I have to ask what your relationship will look like if you do that. If you think your relationship is just about the wedding now, wait until you propose. Will that make you resentful? Will your uneasiness pull you apart?

[samhradh_leannan]

Two years is not that long a time to be with someone, even if you are really in love. You still need to be totally sure before you make that step, and if you're not ready, you're not ready. I feel for your girlfriend and I think it's great that you are so considerate of her feelings, but you should only propose because YOU are 100% ready to get married. Do not let yourself be pressured into it. In fact, her pressure might be exactly what is stopping you from feeling enthusiastic about proposing.

You need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend and try to come to a compromise. If she is giving ultimatums, pressuring you, and breaking up with you on a whim because she is so focused on getting married, then something is wrong in your relationship. Talk to her and let her know that you love her, and you want to get married eventually, but she needs to let you propose in your own time. The additional pressure and stress of her obsession with marriage will only ruin the experience for both of you. Ask her to be patient and give you one more chance to propose on your own terms. Then take some time to think about it without feeling pressured.

[leetaylor]

Thanks for the reply

I agree that I shouldn't allow myself to be pressured into it. I'll feel worse if I do it that way. It's just so hard to tell her to be patient. She sick of hearing it, and I fear she reaching her breaking point. Like I said, I hope a few days apart will help me clear my head, but I fear we may not make it through the end of the day.

Thanks again

[samhradh_leannan]

That's why you should talk to her about it. It's important for both of you to really understand how the other feels and respect those feelings. There has to be compromise. For you to propose solely to make her happy probably isn't what she wants either. She has no real choice but to be patient. But trying to wipe the slate clean and take another go with no pressure whatsoever might help.

[samhradh_leannan]

TALK. TO. HER. Let her know you feel this way and are worried about making her happy. Let her know you care about her and you do want to marry her. Explain that the situation just hasn't been right and all the pressure has been preventing you from thinking clearly and feeling enthusiastic about proposing. You have to really COMMUNICATE here. It is the only way to feel better and the only way to find a compromise.

[leetaylor]

I've tried, and continue to try. I can't seem to articulate how I'm feeling without upsetting her. She doesn't want to hear my reasoning. I love her so much, but maybe this is a red flag. I hate to think of it like that. Would it be unwise to give another token of commitment. A promise ring, perhaps? Or will that just make things worse?

[samhradh_leannan]

That's a tough situation. I would also hate to think of this as a red flag, and I can tell you really love her based on how you talk about her. But marriage isn't something you demand. It HAS to be a completely mutual decision, and it doesn't seem like your girlfriend fully understands that.

It's possible that a smaller token of commitment such as a promise ring would help. It would show her that you are committed without requiring that you actually become engaged. It could be worth trying.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together over 6 years and I feel no pressure to get married yet because the time just simply isn't right for either of us. We both understand that and are going to wait till it is right - if she can't stand by you while you are getting your feelings, life, whatever together, then you probably wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life with her because I guarantee that it will continue to happen in new ways throughout your marriage. You can still love someone and not be ready to commit. There is nothing wrong with that. She needs to understand where you're coming from and respect that and not take it as a person reflection of who she is.

A girl who really loves and care about you and who wants to be with you for the rest of her life will understand what you have to say and respect your decision to wait until you are ready. Some people are just simply not ready - not because they don't love someone, they just aren't at that "place" yet. She should respect that you don't want to rush things - you want things to be right, you don't want them to end badly. She needs to respect that.

[confugirl]

She makes you feel guilty about not proposing. That's not a good start to a long-term relationship. It's better if you don't propose to her until you're ready and don't feel guilty for not being ready. If she's so desperate to get married, then it's not that she wants to get married with YOU, but she wants to be married in general with whoever comes along. You won't be happy with your decision either if you let yourself get pressured into marriage.

If she waits around for you, then she truly cares about you. If she doesn't, she would have left you for any small disagreement in the future.

[leetaylor]

Thanks confugirl

I probably paint an uglier picture than exists, but it's true I feel guilty. But I know she loves me. She's just way ahead of me. I'm literally sitting here trying to decide if I should tell her stay tonight, or go ahead and leave town. She just asked me flat out if she should or not. She's basically asking if I'm going to propose tonight or not. I told her to do whatever she wants to do. I'm a nervous wreck

[confugirl]

How much can she love you if she doesn't care about the pain she causes you to feel? I'm sorry, but that's not love. That sounds more like an obsession.

[BrodieShort11]

If she loves you, she will wait for you. I know this, because I am in situation right now where I feel like my boyfriend is about to miss his "window" to propose, it would be perfect if he would do it, but I'm not 100% sure he will. The only difference is I haven't pressured him at all, unlike your girlfriend. You need to do this on your own time, it may be hard for her, but it'll be right when you do it. Don't let her pressure you. But also at the same time, keep in mind, you have a window as well. You need to be forward about it from here on out or it will put thoughts in her head and lead her on, it may be too late. But by going ring shopping it's leading her on. I know that feeling all too well from a girls perspective.