I think girls quite instantly decide I'm not datable because of my disabilities

Aspergers. I don't tell them but it has implications that don't go unnoticed. I might be bipolar, and these disabilities make it incredibly hard for me to find a job. Some jobs, like with lots of face to face customer service (which loads of jobs have) are practically impossible for me to do. Dealing with strangers face to face sometimes makes me feel ill, makes my head hurt... It's crazy.

And yeah I know I would struggle so painfully much to work full time, so I've been unemployed for quite a while, and basically I think girls as soon as they learn this about me, instead of giving me a chance and trying to get to know me I think they just decide they're not interested anymore. I'm thinking this is especially happening on an online dating site I use. They don't even stick around long enough to learn that I was almost killed, by people, a couple years ago and that my recovery from that alone took a long time and that I still have problems left over from that, both physical (head aches, jaw aches) and psychological. And when this happened I had to quit the job I had at the time.

I don't think girls are even willing to give me a chance when they find out I'm unemployed and not a student. I mean I am studying but I'm not a Uni student or a full time student of any kind.

I want to think that it isn't so that all girls are so quick to make a decision, to decide that someone doesn't deserve attention, but I'm finding it hard to believe this at the moment.

This isn't a question. More of a what advice do ya got? So that's what this is really.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I understand your difficulties as a fellow Aspie. Generally, when developing a friendship with someone, I explain to them what Asperger's is and let them know of odd behaviors or difficulties that I may encounter ahead of time so that they aren't freaked out if I act a bit oddly. This way, they are informed. I think a large majority of the population doesn't understand exactly what Asperger's is, which is part of the problem.

    Online sites can be great for making internet friends, but I think it would be best for you not to look online for a significant other because people may be startled when you meet in real life and you are not necessarily as social as you were on the internet. Instead, seek friends who are accepting of your Asperger's and let a relationship naturally evolve from there.

    Try not to blame people though if they are uninterested because of your Asperger's. Just as some girls may not be attracted to a short guy or a guy with blond hair, some women just won't be attracted to Aspies. It isn't necessarily that they are shallow, they just won't find it attractive. In this situation, I don't generally get offended because people can't help what they are attracted to.

    Do you have a special interest? (I assume you know what this is if you have Asperger's.) Mine personally is music, so I generally look for a guy who enjoys the same type of music as me. That way, if I begin obsessing over it, he is somewhat interested. Perhaps join clubs or try to meet people who are interested in your special interest!

    Best of luck. :)

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    • I'm kind of an odd case because my 'special interest' is always changing. Well I suppose my dominant one is films. But I also have obsessions with WWII, dinosaurs, music, football, American football... To be honest it distracts me from thinking about important things sometimes. Annoys me.

      As for telling people, here's the thing - I have a perception that a girl will be more bothered if a guy has it than a guy will if a girl has it. Why? Well guys are more likely to have an attitude like...

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    • Unfairly by people, especially girls, more than a person should be - usually because of my AS, even if the people didn't know I have AS, they were still treating me bad because of my AS without actually knowing it. Human nature which they were incapable of suppressing I suppose.

    • I would not be bothered if I knew a guy had AS, I actually appreciate when people tell me they have it ahead of time so that I understand their actions a bit better. That way, if a situation comes up, I have an idea of why they may react abnormally and won't think the person is rude.

      If a girl is unwilling to date you because of your AS, she is not worth it. I promise.

What Girls Said 3

  • There are a bunch of shallow girls out there. Once they know that you have a disability and are unemployed, their interest will plummet. For me, I'm interested in any guy who can hold my attention. With that also comes being physically attracted to them. If you can make a connection with a girl, make a connection. It's easier said than done, but that's the only way. But do know that there are girls out there who will be interested in you despite your disabilities. The tough part is trying to find them. Luckily you've already waded through a few useless ones.

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  • Take that in a good way as them girls are only after money just don't give up . Try and keep smileing and you will found someone soon . Shart by telling them the postive things ie hobbies and onces they know them the no job would mean nothink to them as they no the person instead of the job :-)

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  • Show them your good qualities. Then share with them your disability. That way they can weigh out all the good things they know about you already with the bad.

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What Guys Said 4

  • I don't think girls don't date you 'because of your aspergers'. Some of the things about aspergers may make dating more challenging for you. But I don' t think a girl says 'oh he has aspergers, forget it (a few might but most won't)'. On the other hand, a girl might say 'this guy I just don't feel a connection with'.

    You know how in school, if you have say dyslexia, they might give you extra time on tests?

    Dating isn't like that. You don't get any revised test conditions. Ultimately, on some level, girls date you because the idea of f***ing you and being your woman seems attractive. They may not be sure, they may want to know more, they may hold back, but if they don't feel some level of desire for you, you're a friend, at most.

    Advice ... well ... lets start with ... what are you doing with your days right now?

    'Bipolar' is a whole different issue from aspergers. If that's not under control, you need to get it under control, but I can't say much on it.

    Regarding the aspergers, how are your social skills? How well do you read non verbal cues?

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    • I don't. I don't read nonverbal cues, and when people try and communicate with me without actually speaking it pi$$es me off. If I notice someone trying to communicate without actually talking, which I don't often, and if I do I don't know what they are trying to say, but if I do I might be inclined to say something like "say it or stop". Even if they're flirting with me, look I'd rather someone say to me "I don't like you in that way" than someone flirt with me without actually talking.

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    • Well I'm really stubbornly against conforming to what I consider to be shallow or stupid or just plain chicken$hit social conventions, so I have this attitude of "I don't care to learn how to communicate with people without talking so I won't." That's just the way I am.

    • And is that working out for you well?

  • I have Asperger's too. Someone else on here was asking if I was a "useless Aspie". Depending on how one would define "useless Aspie" I could call myself that but I don't wanna. I'm unemployed and believe I'll always be chronically unemployed. I can't love someone who will call me a gold digger or a mama's boy just because my parents help me afford food. Excuse me! My parents live 2,200 miles away from me and they're only buying my food nothing else. That does NOT make me a mama's boy! I don't want money. I just want a woman's TOUCH. That makes me NOT a gold digger.

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  • 1. Try offline dating. Online is not going to work for you.

    2. Women are not interested in Us as persons, they're interested in Us for what we can provide to them. Having a good heart is not enough. Sad but true.

    3. Learn social dynamics. No social skills = no women.

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  • I hate the way it ia

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