What if you give 100% and not receiving 100%?

I want to ask this, it is about giving all, but the other person is not.

People often ask, "Jinmetsu, why is it that you don't want to date women with children?" My response is, I would be the only one placing forth 100% effort into the relationship, while her attentions are divided. Her primary devotion is to her children. Me, I may not even be second... In most cases, the priority is "Children, me, crap, crap, crap, crap, Jinmetsu", or "Me, Children, crap, crap, crap, crap, Jinmetsu.". But, I am not trying to make this question about me... My question is relative to my disdain. Here is the deal, are you willing to date someone, if you are the only one giving 100% effort in it?

Conversely, there are a lot of other things that may have been prioritized as such. You can always find someone that themselves are the most important thing to them, and you still fall somewhere around 10th tier. Either way, that is something that has bothered me about people for years, and has lead to me deciding to live life solo, for all intents and purposes. However, I don't like placing someone else as a high priority, when in reality, I am a low priority to that person. It is, in a way unfair. Personally, I would never date a woman with children, firstly, because I don't have children... And secondly, it is just obvious: The children would be top priority, and her effort would not be anywhere near mine. Not to sound rude, but I think it may be better that single parents date single parents...

Comments? Answers?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think a single parent can give 100% effort to a relationship just like anyone else can. You talk about them thinking only of children and themselves and stuff before you, but that is an unfair look on a large population. Not to mention yourself. When I say 100% on a relation, I mean wanting to make a relationship work, caring for the person completly, loving them, helping to build a future together. This has nothing to do with the other stuff in their lives, or your own. Regardless of kids or work or family or pets or video games or anything else you or they do, this is simply a matter of trying.

    I'll concede that this isn't easy always.

    I'll also concede that it is never 100% of the time, nor is it ever truly equal. Someone generally fills in that overtime to make things keep working at peak performance more than the other. The question is can you handle it if its you?

    Lets go away from kids for a bit and just think about relations. Using myself as an example I feel I'm pretty standard. I have a job, I go to the gym, I have hobbies that require some of my time and I like to meet friends on the weekend to go out. So how does a relationship fit in? Can I give 100%? If I met a girl that I wanted to see seriously, I'd still have my job to do, I'd still go to the gym, still have hobbies which require time (if this is confusing think orchestral practice), and I'd still want to see friends. But I want to spend time with her now also.

    If a girl wants to be in a relationship with me, she will need to work around some parts of my schedule, and I will work around hers. Some parts of each of ours are flexible and others are not. If its a kid or work, it still has priority over date night 9 times out of 10.

    TL;DR

    She can give the 100% effort to TRY at a relationship, but if you can't deal with her commitments to her children or other important things, then you should move on.

    If she isn't TRYING to give 100% to the relationship, it has nothing to do with the rest...AND you should move on.

    Hope this was clear. Cheers!

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    • That is why if she mentions she have kids, that very instance, it is a wrap. I have been put on blind dates in the past with women... And the mere mention of existing children, "Well, had fun, got to go."... Same thing about one that was "separated". She was still married in my book. And according to the 10 commandments, You shall not commit adultery. And to be with her, was adultery, according to my rabbi. None of my blind dates lasted more than 15 minutes.

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    • Indeed, I wish you luck in finding that girl.

    • I don't date "girls", I date WOMEN. Girls are immature.

What Girls Said 2

  • No, I am not willing to give my all and receive anything below that in return. I get that there are other priorities, but I am 24 with no children (most of my generation/friends are parents working on their second or third child (and husband/wife)) so I will NEVER date someone who has kids. One, I don't care for children. Sure, they're cute, but I want to be able to do what I want, when I want.

    It's not fair to give 100% and receive less than that in return. It's almost as if you're not good enough, I think.

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    • Indeed. I think the same way... That is why I think it is self indulgent upon a female friend of mine (that wants to date me, but has 2 kids), that she refuses to date anything but men without children. I see it as a selfish conundrum.

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    • Well, we wouldn't be human if we didn't have some part of our lives, be it priorities or else, screwed up. At least we can agree on that :)

    • True. My priorities must be screwed, if everyone else's are together...

  • I think that's the problem with dating is so many people place 100% of their effort in to it and expect it in return without discussing it with the other person. Both people in the relationship should be in agreement as to where in their life that relationship lies in priority to ensure resentment doesn't occur.

    The next problem that comes is what happens when you dedicate 100% of your effort to a relationship and it ends you wasted all that time in which you could have been developing something guaranteed to last.

    That being said, no I would not date someone with kids for MANY reasons. I don't think they should date each other, but whomever chooses to date them needs to know that the children should be the first priority always and likely will be.

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    • Your last paragraph is why I said, single parents should only date single parents... Period.

What Guys Said 2

  • That's why you need to follow your standards and not just settle into anything.

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  • 50-50 or I walk. I am sick of women being freeloaders and thinking they can use their vaginas to manipulate us.

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    • You have already been manipulated. It is marginally true, whether you accept acknowledgement of that fact, or refuse. The manipulation is that you expect more, or you walk. Perhaps that was the motivation.

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    • Whatever... I am not the wuss that decided to go anonymous. If anyone should, practice what you preach, and wrap your head in duct tape.

    • Oops, I meant, "Wrap your face with duct tape. Particularly, the flapping part below the nose.

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