My horrible ex is getting married and having a baby

When I was a freshman in college I start dating this guy who I thought was great. When we were seniors in college we moved in together and he became really verbally abusive and then he ended up getting physically abusive. It is def not something I ever thought I would experience. After we broke up he ended up dating a girl 2 days later. She had even heard about what happened with him and I and she still dated him. Well fast forward to now and it has been 2 years since we broke up. I found out recently that he is engaged to that girl and that they are having a baby. Since they have been dating he had tried to get me to cheat on my now boyfriend with him. I told him to leave me alone and I am over him but I can't help but feel upset. It bugs me that he did all those horrible things to me and he is so happy. I hate that she thinks he is so wonderful. I don't want to feel like this and think about it but I do. How do I get over what he did and the fact that he is getting married and seems so happy?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • At this point the issue is YOU and not him. He too is a human being and he has the right to find peace and happiness in life.

    YOU need to do some work on yourself. This is a form of 'jealousy' which can always be traced back to low self esteem. It can be a long logical train to get you to your root issue but that is a fact. You're basically putinghim "higher" than yourself and you are putting yourself "lower." That is something you need to stop doing. I imagine it is not easy to do if there's been elements of physical absue. But it's work you gotta do on yourself to find your own peace and happiness.

    Essentially, as you develop more awareness about how your mind works you will discover that YOU decide how you want to feel. In a way HE didn't do anything to you - it's all in your head as to HOW YOU CHOOSE to react to what happens to you.

    Somebody with your type of issues I'd say you might benefit from working through them with a good therapist rather than trying to figure it all out on your own.

    Good luck. All the best,

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What Guys Said 13

  • Obsessing over the past, no matter how painful, will not benefit you in the least. The irony of this is that while you're angsting over what happened, his life is going on swimmingly and he's enjoying himself. To be blunt, the world is simply going to pass you by while you sit there and fixate on a bad part of your life unless you wake up and get over it.

    Also, you're not this other woman's guardian and as such you shouldn't have any cause to worry about her. She knows his past, she's an adult and should be allowed to rise (or fall) on her own. You have your own life to live and it's time you should focus on yourself.

    I agree with what others have said here. Eliminate this douche from your life and move on. If that means having to physically relocate and changing all forms of contact to avoid him, so be it.

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  • You will have faith that such seeds grow into nightmares for those that plant them.

    Already that tree of hell is growing for him by adding a child & not being married, cultivating outside sex. He will always look happy as the devil who grins while torturing others, so that's not a good window to peer into his personal life. You were NOT meant to correct/police this behavior , this is for others stronger & perhaps in the business to hammer out - literally. The sweetest revenge is served cold & without YOUR fingerprints on it ... so you'll never have to deal with the jerk again, just get reports on his suffering.

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  • Forget him, he's just a lesson you learned. Remember the lesson, forget the guy.

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  • I didn't even read your stuff. The title says enough.

    Big deal!?...he's happier than when he was dating you, so what! move on girl. He doesn't belong to you and you have your own relationship to take care of, why bother with what is now over. + I highly doubt that the baby is yours.

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  • I'd imagine he is happy. But that's nothing to do with you.

    I'm guessing about now you're thinking how to try and get this new girl to see the guy that you saw. Hope not, but that's what my spidey sense is telling me. I reccomend forgetting about him.

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  • Stop living your life being envious of his. Block him so you don't have to interact with him. You need to get over this hurt and move on with your life. You're only holding yourself back.

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  • why do you care? if you are happy now, ignore him and move on with your own life. holding on to your bitterness isn't doing you any good

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  • She'll find out who he really is once the honeymoon's over.

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  • You were probably the problem..Maybe the new chick knows how to handle him and treat him right..Maybe he changed and just Maybe they were meant to be together .

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  • u have to say only good luck to him:))

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  • what's up with women and their soft corner toward a**holes,i believe a**holes are either good in the bed or being manipulative

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    • manipulative

    • Being manipulative. Sometimes things they say will make our skin crawl, but we'll often give the benefit of the doubt.

    • In part it is because society pressures women to be submissive and put up with bs. If we don't, we are considered bitchy or difficult. So many people give the horrible advice to women that they are being too picky as if it is better to just be in a cr*ppy relationship than it is to be single and wait.

  • You clearly are not over him and you empower him by even thinking about all this. People live and learn so let them. Move on for your sake and no one else's. There is not one reason for you to care. You cannot help her nor should you.

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  • i think you should move on ? I don't know why you care ?

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What Girls Said 8

  • Focus on the word "seems". He seems so happy, but really, I don't know what kind of happiness he could be experiencing. Men who are verbally and physically abusive have demons. I would never want to walk in their shoes.

    So, when I was a teenager I had a boyfriend who ended up doing the same. I got away from him and about a year later I heard he was marrying and having a child too. Well, guess what, shortly after he found out the child wasn't his and his marriage fared no better than our relationship.

    Your ex is so highly unlikely to have fixed whatever is broke with him. If he had, one of the first things he would have done is apologized to you for what he did. Instead, he asked you to cheat on your boyfriend with him. Hmmm, doesn't sound like he is any better. Also abusers and those that stay with them do a really good job of covering up what is really going on. They live in denial. Behind closed doors he is abusing her too. It will probably get worse once the baby is born. The added stress from caring for a baby won't make things better and she will be more likely to put up with bad behavior out of the belief she needs to stay with him for their child's sake.

    I don't know if any of this helps, I hope it does. Good luck!

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    • +1, people don't magically transform when they meet a new person. He probably has the same issues as before and needs intense counseling to change.

  • they may seem happy but who knows what happens behind closed doors. and babies make everything so complicated and HARD. A perfect relationship can have problems when a new baby is involved... and I'm just assumed they are only engaged because she is pregnant? ...hmm, most marriages these days end in divorce anyways..., just push that poison out of your mind. be more concerned about your own happiness, don't clutter your brain with trash, that's all they are.. I wouldn't even check up on them to see if they are happy or not!

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  • I know exactly how you feel, and I am not kidding. And so I will point something out to you that my friend pointed out to me that made me feel a lot better. People who are happy in their relationships don't cheat. He only *looks* happy from where you are standing. Eventually his little house of cards will fall, and when it does he is really going to be in for it.

    Be thankful down to the depths of your soul that he doesn't have to be your problem anymore, and if you can, feel sorry for his Baby Momma because he still IS her problem, and will be for a very long time.

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    • Seriously! He was trying to cheat with her while he was with this new chick? 99 problems but this cad ain't one.

  • Carolyn Hax gave advice on a situation very similar (though perhaps milder?) to what you're going through: link

    I'm sorry you were with such a horrible person. He's not your problem anymore. You will look back, after time and healing, and it won't hurt as much anymore, either. I know the feeling of not wanting someone yet feeling indignant that they had it "better" in their love lives. You have a (hopefully) good relationship now, right? Their lives have no control over yours, and that is a blessing. :) Take care of yourself and stay well.

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  • Let him crash and BURN.

    You are worth so much more then reliving your pain, watching another woman and how she thinks of him will bring your old memories back to the surface.

    Let them fall. What happens, happens. You deserve better then to care about them anymore.

    Good luck :)

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  • we met horrible people in our lives, but things happen for a reason. pple come into our lives, teach us a lesson on how to let go...

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  • Focus on your own life. Don't think about how he was so horrible and now he's enjoying life. Maybe he made a personal and maybe even spiritual change. Maybe he was just not destined to be with you. What is supposed to happen for you will happen once you let it. So focus on what is in front of you, forget about him, wish him all the best and think of making your relationship now, work for you so you can soon enjoy engagement and pregnancy later on if that's your will.

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  • Focus on yourself and your life. He's out of your life remind yourself that.

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