Friends with benefits confusion?

[Anonymous]

Lately my friend with benefits has been holding my hand & kissing/hugging me goodbye. He does not normally do this & I do not want to read too much into it. I want to get a general idea of what the "rules" are in these situations. Please help

[palek]

We can't establish rules for such relationships, as they attempt to skew the natural order of relationships between men and women. Men and women are naturally hard-wired for eros love which comes as an entire package. When we try and separate, or pick and choose, facets of such a relationship, it can easily go beyond our attempts to modify or tinker. If your relationship includes sexual intimacy, one may expect kissing/hugging might follow along. This is the obverse order of things in a normal situation, but it only shows the futility of the effort. All the best.

[Asker]

First off, this is a very well written answer. Thank you. I am starting to see FWB relationships don't really even exsist. In order to be in a relationship we must be our partner's friend first. Which means that you are emotionally supportive of the other. Then you add in the "benefit". I guess in a way it sounds like 2 people in denial about the fact that they are in a relationship. I did expect some affection, but not at the times he is showing it.

[palek]

Like yourself, many people are having to come to terms with the fact that FWB relationships are contrary to our capabilites. Yet so many continue on in denial, wondering what is wrong. It's like forcing the proverbial square peg into the round hole. It can never be forced into place. You are very wise, and of good character, to catch on, as so many others won't admit to it out of pride I suspect. Be well.

[25or624]

the only rules are the rules you both talk about and agree to follow.

if you don't want to read into his behavior, then don't read into his behavior.

if you have questions, ask him.

[Asker]

Thanks for the response. I almost feel unable to ask in fear of that he will think I am trying to get him to commit. The only thing I remember agreeing to is that neither one of us could handle emotionally "taking care" of the other because of the relationships we had just gotten out of. If we were already friends wouldn't that mean in a way we were emotionally there for each other?

[25or624]

FWB is nothing but trouble, because it creates situations like yours.

we can't fool ourselves into ignoring the fact that we emotionally bond with those we're kissing, making out with or sleeping with. that's a natural consequence of being physical. like palek said, we can't pick and choose what elements we want -- it's a package deal.

[perfection]

Oh my f****** goodness have neither of you ever heard of polyamorism? Monogamy is by FAR not the only relationship type in the animal kingdom. MOST creatures are actually non-monogamous. Since humans have the ability to dream up whatever monsters/creatures/cultures they wish, we are in a way a species that represents the spectrum of all animal kingdom life. As such, some of us are lions, and some of us are sheep. I would rather be a lion.

[Shlei3]

If you have feelings for him it's time to stop that behavior right away before it gets out of hand and you end up with some hurt feelings. Personally, if I was in a FWB relationship I would put an end to anything that will make you feel like you are more than just friends. In a FWB relationship it's best to leave anything sentimental out.

[Asker]

Thanks, I agree that anything sentimental be left out & that is what I was concerned about. We've both aknowledged that there are feelings there, BUT we're both recently divorced. Then there's that whole, we're such good friends, what if it ends badly & we loose a friend? I feel like I am gonna have to end it before I do get attached.

[perfection]

Admit that you are polyamorous. Get out of the closet.

[nanatnom]

Friends with benefits works when two people are willing to meet each other's sexual needs without insisting on exclusivity or long-term committment. Anything goes as long as both of you agree. Like any relationship it will change over time. Of course you will have feelings for each other. The point is being able to have these feelings openly. If you're falling in love, say so. It's ok to love someone that you can't be with forever. It's ok to love more than one person at a time. Yes, it goes against all our cultural training. If you're wondering what the rules are, you need to talk to your friend. Open honest communication is the only rule and the only way it can work.