Is it selfish/immature to not date someone just because they have kids?

1. I don't even like kids all that much.

2. Do not wanna help take responsibility for someone else's child

3. Don't wanna deal with the child's mother and will always have to share him with her eventhough they are not together.

4. The child/children will always come first before you (which is understandable)

5. Don't wanna have to have some sort of commitment to the child/children, just want it to be just us and focus on each other.

6. Guys with kids are a turn off physically and mentally (only when it comes to dating). So are my reasons wrong or immature, I'm 21 by the way and will never have kids. And you date someone with children? Why or why not?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Neither. It's your choice whether or not to date someone with kids and no one else's. Personally, I wouldn't either. I do not like children and I don't want to be forced to be nice to one and pretend like I'm having a good time being around them

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    • Right that's exactly where I'm coming from. I'm glad I'm not alone here.

What Guys Said 17

  • When I was your age, I thought much the same way. Then two things happened.

    First, I started to get older and was not attached to anyone, and eliminating women who had children would start to limit the dating pool more each year that passed. Limiting the dating pool means I would completely write off plenty of amazing women who just ended up with the wrong guy before and they had children.

    Second, I was diagnosed with an autosomal dominant genetic disorder called tuberous sclerosis. It is a defect in one of two (or both) tumor suppression genes, causing benign tumors to grow pretty easily on basically any tissue (to include vital organs like the heart, kidneys, brain, etc.) It doesn't show up bad in me really, only a few dermatological signs. However, the odds of someone with this disorder are fairly uncommon, and for those who do have it, having it the way I do is pretty rare.

    Somewhere around 90% of cases will have epilepsy (I don't), nearly 100% of cases will have growths in their brain (I don't), somewhere around 80% will have growths in their kidneys (I don't). I do have growths on my skin (about 90% have those), a shagreen patch (a little less than 50% have those), forehead plaque (about 20% have those), and growths on my fingernails/toenails (about 15% have that).

    So I escaped a lot of the more serious possibilities, and have some of the more rare ones that aren't as serious.

    The problem comes in that this is an autosomal dominant disease, which means there's a 50% chance of any kids I have being passed the disorder. After I was diagnosed with it and educated about it, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids of my own because there's a 50% chance they'll have the disorder, and there's no guarantee if they do have it that it will be as mild in them as it is in me. Could I knowingly bring a child into the world having a pretty good probability they might have a disorder that can cause learning disabilities, seizures, and more?

    So I opened my eyes more to what was out there. Now I'm in a long term relationship with a girl who was married once before and has two kids from that marriage. I'm the happiest I've ever been because of her, and she even made me see the other side of things. She thinks I'd be a great father, and while it's a 50% chance they have the disorder, it's also a 50% chance they don't. Then if they do have it, there's still a chance it will only be as mild as it is in me. She wants another child, after she is remarried, and since we're together and are looking to the future, that means she will want that child with me, knowing all the possibilities of the disorder showing up in the child.

    So while you are not selfish at all for not wanting to date someone with kids, there can be other factors you run into in life that change your mind. Just know the older you get, the harder it is to find someone without kids.

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  • selfish or immature? let me check point by point

    1. I don't even like kids all that much. This one IS selfish, I mean, I am sure any man you have met has disliked something you do, or have, or a friend of yours, or a relative, and he can HATE the person/thing/situation while still loving YOU, and loving means accepting the other, the good and the BAD (and kids are not even BAD, there are plenty of other things to dislike, kids CAN be anoying but also charming), but is like "I don't like sports/heavy metal/thrillers so my boy MUST NEVER take part on such activities", it IS selfish.

    2. Do not wanna help take responsibility for someone else's child. This one is VERY valid, those are not your kids, IF you loved them you could take care of them and you will be exceptionally GOOD, while, you not liking them and still taking care of them will make you a MARTYR, but not liking them, if you don't take responsability for them no one can really blame you, you don't HAVE TO.

    3. Don't wanna deal with the child's mother and will always have to share him with her eventhough they are not together. Here you are also SO RIGHT, this would be my MAIN concerd about dating someone with kids, relationship are difficult enough as to having to deal with drama and traumas that you don't cause and can do nothing to solve.

    4. The child/children will always come first before you (which is understandable) . IF I dated a woman with kids I would totally accept the kids comming FIRST, since like you say, it is understandable, so here, you are actually kind of MATURE, since you are not "he is mind and only mine" you are aknowledging, evaluating and calmly deciding in a very conscient way, so you are not immature.

    5. Don't wanna have to have some sort of commitment to the child/children, just want it to be just us and focus on each other. AGAIN if you don't like them, or don't want a bond, you are not expected to have it, but while NOT immature, you would be naive to think that by dating a man who has no kids you will ONLY focus on each other, and you probably would want to keep some kind of nexus with his friends and family, EVEN if you dislike them, so, it is really no different than dealing with a mother in law, or such, you CAN NOT get rid of those kind of interactions.

    6. Guys with kids are a turn off physically and mentally (only when it comes to dating). While irrational (atraction [or the lack of it] is ALWAYS irrational) it is not selfish, atraction is something you feel or you dont, you can NOT decide, so finding yourself turned off by a guy with kids is not selfish, you could SO want to give him a chance and still atraction won't be there, and is not your fault, and also atraction REMAINS irrational in every point of our lives, so no, is not a mature thing either.

    MORE importantly, you come here, analyze it, take your choices, that puts you on a much more mature level than most people, so no, you are NOT immature, and a little selfishness IS normal in 1+1 relationships

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  • Not really. If someone has kids and has already divorced, then it's possible that the person either didn't get along with his significant other, or he wasn't good enough at relationships to be able to communicate efficiently.

    It isn't right to say that you don't like kids that much though, because we all were kids once, and I know what it feels like when some adults didn't like me (as a kid). Actually, my mom knows more than me what it feels like when people don't like kids, because I used to be the one that caused trouble and she was the one that had to deal with the stares and embarrasment.

    Yes, it's hard to take responsibility of someone else's kid, let alone sort out your feelings about the kid(s). It's also hard to deal with the child's mother. The child may sometimes come first, but if the guy is good, then he'll give both you and the child good attention.

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  • Its not selfish at all. I dated three girls last year who all ended up haing kids. The first one I got really attached to and her children. But there is a reason why she is a single mom with two kids with two different dads.

    Then by accident I was casually dating a girl for a week who had tow kids and just got divorced.

    Awkward things kept happening like when I would pick up her on adate, her ex husband happened to show up at the same time to pick up the kids. And other things as well cause she was mentally damaged from the marriage and took it out on me by accident.

    Then there was this other girl who didn't even last two days. She got drunk. I told her I didn't want to have sex with her because for one she told me that people spread rumors that I treat girls like sh*t and I use them for sex.

    But when I told her no, she jumped on me and attacked me with her clothes off and started crying during sex.

    for about a week I was getting constant unwanted texts of her trying to make me feel bad for having sex with her when she didn't want to. But I was the one telling her that I didn't want to have sex with her in the first place. God, it was so confusing.

    And it didn't help that she had the same name as my mother!

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  • No. You have the right to make that decision. I think it is actually selfish and immature for one to date a parent despite that they know they don't dig the kids - only dating the parent because they dig the parent, and are just baring the kid. You are actually doing the right thing.

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  • Not at all selfish or immature. Nobody can be blamed for not wanting any more responsibility in todays already busy world. Plus, his ex might be a b!tch, and if so, after your dating, she'll eventually say something to him like "Dump her (meaning u), or you don't see the kids". No man wants to be forced into this situation, and I don't think you would wanna put a guy in that corner. LTR is not reccomended.

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  • No, I wouldn't. For most of the reasons you mentioned. Except that I don't have any commitment issues. I'd take care for my own children the best I can. It's just that it someone else's children for me that makes it you deal breaker for me. What can I say... I'm not mother Theresa.

    We - singles who don't have any children - have no entitlement to give everyone a chance. In fact nobody in this world owes something to someone they never had no business with. It's not selfish but natural that people look for their equal in a relationship. And divorced people should all know that. They made their choices and everything. It's surprising that some of them fail to acknowledge that. Just heard of a divorced guy who tries (but never succeeds) getting into a relationship with young and single ladies. So pathetic...

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  • No, it's a reasonable preference. You will discover as you age, it really limits your dating possibilities.

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  • no. its total common sense.

    if you are not ready to be a parent of your own children then why sacrifice your life and try to raise kids who aren't even yours?

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  • I don't think it is selfish.

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  • Find someone without kids. There's so many more without children especially in the 20s age range.

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  • There's nothing wrong with that; it's just your personal preference. In fact, if you were to date someone who had kids, knowing that it would never work out long-term, that would be worse because you would be wasting his time -- and yours. You're doing the right thing by being honest with yourself and not settling for less than what you really want in life.

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  • You are 21.

    If you are dating someone in your age range with kids then it is a MAJOR red flag.

    Red flags mean run away as fast as you can.

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  • It's not really selfish/immature. It's preference.

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  • It's stupidity to date a guy or girl with kids. There's tons of people out there. Find one that doesn't have so much baggage.

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  • dating a women with kids is like playing a game starting from somebody else's save file...

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  • No, not at all.

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What Girls Said 9

  • I think those are all valid reasons to not date someone with children. I don't AGREE, but I totally understand why you wouldn't want to.

    My boyfriend is 9 years older than me and actually has 5 children. His oldest two with his ex wife; three with his ex girlfriend, all were surprises, and the last set were twins, even more of a surprise. This isn't an issue for me because when I care for someone, I have no problem helping with their kids. Right now he only has his middle son [four years old], and we adore each other. He often rejects his dad's attention for mine and asks for me on the phone, which we think is kind of hilarious. Both of his exes live out of state, so I don't have to deal with them, but we'll be getting the twins [1.5 years old] as well around the beginning of August. I accept that his kids come first, and they should. But I also want children of my own, and our relationship is the only one in which he's said he feels he actually wants to TRY for children with me, eventually. Even with his exes, all of the pregnancies were accidental, he's never TRIED for kids before. But like you, we want the time to focus on our relationship and enjoy each other, before we try to have a baby together, because it changes everything. So I'll stay on the pill for a while.

    I've worked for the past several years as a caregiver for the elderly and disabled, I have a large family with lots of young children in it, and have always been good with them. Kids love me, and I usually love them, lol. Taking care of others is something I enjoy and probably what I'm best at, so him having kids, 3 of which I'll be actively helping him raise and take care of when he has them, is not a problem for me. I look forward to it, and view it as becoming part of a family, while at the same time practicing parenting before making my own family. I knew what I was getting into when we started dating.

    That's just me though, half of the men I've dated have had at least one child, and I have none of my own yet. Your reasons are perfectly valid and understandable.

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    • Lol, I didn't read past the first paragraph. Did you really just try and say all 5 of his kids were 'surprises'?

      Hilarious! That's called being irresponsible last I checked.

    • Irresponsible, sure, I guess so. But the first two were within a marriage. They may not have been planned, but they were committed to each other for several years. The youngest three were definitely unplanned, but the first was conceived on the pill, and the twins came from a one night occurrence when they were separated. He was in long term relationships with both mothers and is a great father. His ex wife has custody of the older two, the younger three are split custody decided out of court.

  • No, I don't think so. I wouldn't either, and it's just because I'm 19 and feel too young to get involved in that.

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  • No, it is not.

    People get so horny that they fail to be completely HONEST about the reality of having children with someone who should have been momentary in their journey of life. It's annoying to find a perfectly good candidate for a boyfriend who has a child. Not everyone is ready to tackle the role of parenthood. When you date someone with a child, it's like they want you to take on that role because their child is apart of them and dthey need to know that you are a good mother or father figure in case things get serious. Even if the person is mentally prepared to tackle on that role, at the end of the day; THEY HAVE NO LEGAL RIGHTS TO THAT CHILD. Say they embrace the challenege with open arms, do well, and things don't work out...then they've gotten attached to this kid that they will never see again. Especially with fathers! Many mothers like to use their children as weapons!

    I agree with you completely. It's not fair for the child or for the potential datee to have to be thrown into this complex situation because someone didn't practice safe sex.

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  • Absolutely not!

    IF you date someone with kids, their kid should pretty much become your kid if it gets serious.

    If you're not willing/wanting to take on that responsibility then it's better to not date them at all.

    It's not a shallow choice at all. Worse would be dating them then refusing to acknowledge the kids.

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  • I think you just need to grow up.

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  • No it's not selfish or immature it's your life and your choice. Don't worry what others think. We don't have to conform to society's expectations or demands. You are your own person!

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  • No it's not

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  • being 21 and having to worry about someone else's kids sounds like something you're too young for

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  • no it's not wrong nor immature at all.

    you are being yourself and realistic.

    it is understandable and actually those are the reasons why many single guys/girls don't want to deal with someone who has kids.. or couples like that situation hardly work, because usually it does cause lot of conflicts between the two.

    I can see someone with children if I already really liked him..but otherwise I wouldn't go ahead date someone who has kids and has to deal with his exwife/girlfriend most of the time.

    unless you really like the guy, why would you see someone who has such baggage for you..

    there are girls who wouldn't care if the guy has kids/has to deal with the mother, but you are in different case. YOU don't really like kids, don't want to deal with the kid's mother..so that's not the right situation for you.

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