Dwelling on the past, coping with the present?

2 years ago I had been dating a guy for about a year and broke up with him when I started college because I wanted to "try new things" and I also wanted to experience hook-ups and college men(yes I know, selfish). A few weeks after we broke up I got with another guy for about a year and he ended up cheating on me. Me and the first guy had been pretty serious and he wanted to come to college with me and move in with me, so when I broke up with him it was a complete surprise and I broke his heart so much so that he basically eliminated me from his life. Well recently (after dating several guys and reminiscing) I had been sad about our breakup and imaging the what-ifs of us getting back together and eventually got my friend to convince him to talk to me. He basically told me that he forced himself to move on and that even though I was an amazing person that he loved, he couldn't love me again after how I hurt him and that I would have to just find someone else in the future because he couldn't risk that heartbreak again.

I understand where he is coming from and at this point I don't know whether I messaged him for HIM in particular or because I am just lonely right now. I have been single/dating for about 7-8 months now and I just am tired of it. I want to settle down and he would've been the one I wanted to settle down with. I haven't been able to find any guy that made me as happy as him and I don't know whether I should go out of my way to win him back or let the past be the past and wait until someone else comes along? Please help me out with this if yall can!

Updates:
Thank you everyone! Great responses ya'll are all so helpful.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You've grown up. And when you grow up like that, often you find that someone you were dating previously was already grown up. I do admire that you broke up with him before going to college rather than just cheating on him. Points for you on that one.

    But he's moved on. Trust, you see, is like a glass. Once it is shattered, it can be put back together, but the cracks will always show. So even if you did get back together, he would always be thinking in the back of his mind, when is she going to leave again. And he would be correct in that statement, because what are you going to do when you decided you need to do some more growing? More than likely the same thing.

    Chalk it up as a learning experience and find you another guy who wants to settle down.

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What Guys Said 9

  • Whore! Repent, woman!

    Running off to college and playing with the field. I mean playing the field. Whatever. Keep acting like that and you'll bump up against a double standard or two.

    Just teasing. Totally. There is one point I have to address, though: "when I broke up with him it was a complete surprise and I broke his heart so much so that he basically eliminated me from his life."

    This sucks. It's happened. I don't like it when I'm the dumped, and it's one of those situations where the woman plans it out for months in advance. It makes a man wonder what is so damned awful about him that he had to be the last to know.

    So since you also mention ambiguity over your motives for getting in touch, I'd advise you to move on. If you hurt him again he could snap and start killing hookers or something.

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  • You're both different people now than you were back then. He sounds determined to keep you in his past right now, so I wouldn't pester him. But keep in touch with him; he might also at some point be lonely and thinking of past happiness.

    For now, work on developing yourself and enjoy new experiences as you did before. Don't let the past be a burden, but don't try to suppress your feelings, either.

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  • Put it behind you - he has. You can't expect someone to forgive something like that - what if he took you back and then you meet some new guy at work. Why should he trust you?

    That said, if you were just starting college you were probably too young to commit and were probably right to break up in the first place.

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  • I say if you want him back try and go get him but don't screw him over again.

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  • My ex broke up with me for the same reason except we dated for 2 years. Honestly you messed up and ruined your opportunity. It's not the end of the world though. I'm pretty sure you're young and still have a long way to go. I'm sure you still love him but you keep wanting to go back because the past is familiar and makes you feel comfortable and safe. If you get back I'm sure you'll hurt him again because you'll lose feelings. Leave the past in the past and move on. It's gonna be though but that's life

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  • It was your decision. Honestly, I wouldn't take you back either. Move on and treat the new guy better.

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  • Learn from the past and dwell on the present and cope with the past instead. Be a better person. It takes time and work but the rewards are for everyone and spread all around the world. Best of luck to you. When you feel lonely help others and reach out more to people that care for you. Keep the subjects fresh and new and do not try to rehash what already happened. That is a supreme waste of time. You live once and when you are older you will regret the time wasted.

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    • You are welcome and please try to help out with other people's problems when you feel down or are dwelling on the past. It will reward you in so many ways. Take care

  • Having been in a somewhat similar situation, you should just move on to someone else cause I doubt he's ever coming back.

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  • Let the past be the past. FInd a new guy

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What Girls Said 4

  • Please leave him alone...for his sake

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  • work on yourslef and don't jump into more relationships

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  • if I were you I would lay off guys for a while

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  • i think you should just do you for a while now and then try see what the universe has in store for you

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