Going "dutch" on dates. Thoughts?

Having dated online for some time I notice a lot of girls would just disappear without notice. It's only a first date so I assume no click.

So lately I have been on a "strictly coffee" basis. But if I wanted to do something more the thing is I have gotten tired of girls just flat out disappearing after a date without notice. I live on my own and can't afford to be shelling out money left and right to a bunch of strangers looking for freebes.

So how many girls would be offended at "going dutch" when I don't know the person yet? I wouldn't mind paying for a date if I knew that they were not going to be another girl pulling a disappearing act but it's been so common. They're nice to my face but then I get in touch with them later and I get no response back.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Not at all offended if we go dutch on the first date. Life is expensive, I live on my own and am fully aware of the cost of things. It's not unreasonable for the first few dates while you are still trying to figure out the person, that you expect them to pay for theirs and you yours.

    Definitely talk about this during the date. Some girls get highly offended as it's old tradition that guys are to pay. But honestly, it is ridiculous to expect the guy to pay every time, when you might not even see the guy again. Back in the day, the guy paid because typically the guy worked and the girl didn't. Now a days, that's not so true.

    It's definitely a nice gesture to pay for the girl, but I wouldn't be offended if you didn't. Most of the coffee dates I went on, I paid, and I had no malice for the guys who didn't. In fact, most didn't pay and I was fine with that.

    Now my current boyfriend paid for our dinner (I paid for my tea and he paid for his coffee when we initially met). But as the date went on he paid for dinner, and continues to pay. But I buy groceries and make him dinner all the time so we are even :)

    Like you said, dates are expensive. Especially if you are going out with different people trying to get to know them. So a girl gets upset you didn't pay, well life goes on. Obviously she doesn't share the same views as you do. Find a girl who doesn't care if you pay or not. Sounds to be like that would be a better match. Or maybe make it clear that you don't mind paying for dates once you two are in a relationship, but before then you would like to go dutch as it gets expensive after a while.

    Any girl who puts up a fight on that reasonable request isn't worth your time.

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What Girls Said 14

  • Personally, I tend to be more comfortable with splitting things at first- then I don't feel like my sense of equity is out of balance and I feel a lot less guilty if I decide it's not working.

    Whenever I first go out with a guy, I always offer to pay for myself and if he insists on paying for dinner then I'll pay for whatever we do afterward (drinks, movie, etc.) unless he's a guy who truly insists on paying for everything and would be offended otherwise. Once I've dated a guy awhile, we tend to fall into the rhythm of taking turns paying when we go out, nobody keeps track exactly, but it's a give and take.

    But I've never done the online dating thing- I tend to only date guys I already know at least a little, so maybe it's easier to negotiate the whole splitting the cost thing when you know them a bit. But you can always say; "I've got dinner, you get the movie?" or "Mind if we split this?" when the cheque comes. Worst case scenario is the girl does mind and won't go out with you again.

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  • Honestly, girls who actually like you won't be offended. I think it's a good way to weed out the ones using you.

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  • That's the best way to do it in that situation, lol. Especially if you're meeting girls from online to go on dates.

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  • I've found that if you build a relationship up before the date online through emails or messages.. you sort of have them like you already. And if they like you already as a person, they are less likely to run off. Then paying for them won't be as bad because you are confident that they like you as people so either way they aren't playing you.

    I'm with a guy were we talked non stop for one month and a bit before we met up. He payed and it became more than a friendship cause he showed me he could be romantic.

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    • I have actually had the opposite experience with the emails. When I have contacted over email too long the expectations would get too high and I would meet them and find out they are not whole I thought they were and that the ones who at least gave me their number right away were more genuine for the most part to me.

      Talking on the phone seems to work best for me but that is becoming a thing of the past.

  • i'd prefer it,but if they're expecting to be pampered-they'll be pissed. but,do you really want those girls that you'll have to pay for till the end of your relationship? save your money,weed out the spoiled ones-2 birds,one stone.

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  • I would go to a "free" date for all new first date girls. This could be a stroll in the park or something very cheap such as ice cream. Then if the girl shows interest and doesn't disappear, I would take her out to a nice dinner or movie etc. This way you won't end up shelling out tons of money but will still get the chance to keep your options open to date more girls if one doesn't work out. Eventually a girl will find you amazing and that's the girl that you can step up your game for in the next date.

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    • What about her stepping up her game?

    • Some girls will, some girls will do anything for a man..pay for them, drive for them, and all. but those girls are usually the ones that get treated like crap. Now if you have been with a guy for awhile and things are working, then it's nice for the female to do nice things for their man to show their appreciation. however, a guy needs to step up his game in the beginning to show that he cares about her and that he's not another jerk just trying to get laid like most guys.

  • I always go dutch on dates. Especially if I don't know the guy too well. I insist on paying my part even if he offered to pay. I don't want to look like some girl looking for freebies. Besides its the modern world today, don't be so sexist.

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  • I understand. It's weird paying for a stranger who you know nothing about. So I think it's normal and OK to do.

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  • No problems here it's always worked for me.

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  • if a guy made me pay for myself there wouldn't be a second date, I know that's bad but its true for me at least

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    • Why is that? Why does a guy have to spend money on you for you to like him?

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    • Yup. This is why chivalry is dead for a lot of people.

    • I wish people wouldn't vote down my honest opinion, I mean you asked right?

      I put a lot more effort into a relationship after I've been dating him for a while, then yes I make him lunch/dinner or bake for him. It's just like how it isn't fair that guys can sleep around and women cant, the dating game isn't meant to be fair. I'm not saying my way is right, I will completely agree that I expect a lot from a guy but my mom raised me to expect a lot I guess.

  • If official first date I prefer the guy to pay first, but subsequent ones I would choose to go on dutch.

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  • I like it, its laid back.

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  • I think it's the best way to go, personally. Cheap or free.

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  • I'm afraid of serial daters. I am not going dutch and I'm not going on a coffee date. Because that is a red flag of someone that dates a lot. I need someone who will show me that he is serious and looking for something long term. I don't want to feel like I'm on his conveyor belt of dates.

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    • Well I have dated a bunch of girls but honestly, none of them are contacting me back. So if I were to have paid for all those dates I'd be out a good $100+ dollars and back at square one. How does one meet a genuine girl that does not judge his devotion with dollar bills?

    • It seems like you are a victim of the dreaded serial daters. They are common on online dating sites. I'm afraid of them too. Both male and female serial daters are bad so avoid them when possible. If you are dating girls from online dating sites I understand why you would do that.

      I don't judge a guy by his dollar bills, I just want to keep away from serial daters. I just suggest not dating girls from the internet. 90% of them are serial daters that just want a free meal. Its creepy.

What Guys Said 10

  • My own personal policy is that I will spend no more than $20 per date on the first 3 dates with a girl. This has nothing to do with being cheap; if I'm in a relationship with a girl, I have no problem spending money on her. It's about PRIORITIES.

    By having such a tight budget, it forces me to THINK about the date, and to plan something that has some substance, and isn't just another "frozen dinner" of a date. Remember, the goal of initial dates (the first 3-5 dates) is to GET TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON, which means that you need to be able to talk to them a LOT. Most traditional dates (dinner & a movie, or a club/bar) don't give you a good environment to talk, and many other common dates are more about the man proving he can throw his money around, which either excites girls for the wrong reasons, or makes them feel "obligated" and thus uncomfortable.

    You'd be surprised at what you can do for $20 or less if you open your mind and stop doing traditional dates. And I've gotten some amazing feedback from those dates, often being told it was the best date the girl was ever on, because the focus was on building a CONNECTION, which is actually important to most girls.

    I may do "dutch" when in a relationship sometimes, but my way lets me pay on those early dates, but doesn't cost a lot of money either, AND it helps separate out the girls who are just looking to be entertained at my expense.

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  • You don't have to apologize for expecting a girl to pay her own way the same way you are expected. going-Dutch is what equality looks like. It's taking after one of the more gender-equal societies.

    I hear in Sweden, it's laughable to hold such an expectation, as they understand how it can undermine equality and mutual respect.

    But the fact is, men taking the check is considered common practice in US, so that is the default assumption when you ask a girl out, whether she she considers it an expectation or just generous. So it would be rude to ask a girl out, then unexpectedly go Dutch. You have to mention it beforehand, otherwise, it would be like giving her a bouquet of flowers as a gift, then saying "okay, here's how much you owe me".

    But that's a good way to save a lot of hassle; Tell her right off the bat that you'll be going Dutch. Most girls would probably okay with that. Some girls I've dated in such occasions unexpectedly paid for ME, for which I was especially grateful and returned the favor. Other girls will think you're "cheap". But if a woman thinks you're cheap for refusing to pay for HER, what does that make HER if she refuses to even pay for herself?

    She doesn't get to be offended by a "lack of gifts", you get to be offended by her expectation that you'll give her such gifts. So by stating it beforehand, it's a sure-fire way to weed out the whores from the ladies before committing to anything.

    Don't misinterpret me, I love going out and spending my own money to do something special. If anything, just to see her smile. But the expectation of generosity undermines the very nature of generosity. All it does is creates resentment.

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  • Well on the few dates that I've gone lately I've usually had to cash out and you guessed it things never went the way I'd have liked. So they all pulled a disappearing or at least the stupidity act.

    One even invited me to go on vacation with her and then of course I was good enough to pay for some stuff and then she pulled the disappearing act. So I know what you mean. Because I'm fed up of this too.

    If I get to go on any more dates I'll take them to stuff that doesn't require paying for stuff.

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    • Yea it is scary. I feel like the girls are abusing the word "chivalry" and turning themselves into criminals nowadays. Then they get offended that we don't want to spend money on other people. We're not charities. We have bills just like they do. We just don't pay other people's bills into addition to our own.

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    • I think the reason they get away with it is that so many other guys are willing to do it. So it becomes "Why should I settle for you, if this other guy will buy me things." It becomes less about personality and more about financial transactions.

      So guys need to cut back on saying "That's just how you treat a lady". Because in the long run it stops becoming generosity. And it the long run, it also undermines equality.

    • I think you might be on to something.

      I mean I'm not saying that I'm an angel myself but I do believe that guys usually court women and the women respond. I don't know stuff has become so screwed up I just can't keep up with it anymore and hats of to guys who are able to.

  • Smarter girls insist on going dutch at first because some guys feel that paying for them entitles them to some kind of physical benefits. You could always present the idea in that light so that it doesn't look like you're being stingy.

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  • If a girl refused to pay her half I'd just bolt out of the place and let her work off the bill.

    Nice!

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  • Interesting usually topics about going dutch brings up a lot of unnecessary rage.

    I say if they make a big deal out of going dutch then take it that you dodged a huge bullet.

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  • Haha! I understand your pain mate! If I were to add up all the money I have spent on girls I met online I would probably be a classy eater (chipotle all day.) Now I just tell them up front lol.

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  • I always pick up the tab on the first date - regardless of who asked who out...

    But if on the 2nd date she's not paying at least half, that's an indicator that she's an entitled brat, and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

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    • Yea but what about girls who flock from first date to first date online doing dinner dates? Gold diggers basically.

    • Yeah they're cumsluts, but so what? Thankfully, I don't think too many girls are like that ;)

  • A piece of advice I got from a girl I know which was great, was to take the girl to coffee. If things are going really well invite her to get something to eat immediately after coffee or asking for a second date that involved a late lunch or dinner on the weekend. If she is willing to take time out of her schedule on the weekend she has real interest in your. I have heard from women that some of them use online dating sites like POF just to get a night out without them having to pay. They are not looking for anything serious and just use the guys that are looking for a relationship for a free meal. Hope this helps.

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    • Well yeah, I mentioned that I have been on a strictly coffee basis.

    • I know I was spending a lot too like you said you are. This pretty much eliminated it because once they found out it was just coffee if they are interested they most likely will flake out before the date. But I think you could turn off a good girl that is a traditionalist by asking her to pay for a first date. I would suggest asking them at some point how they would feel about going dutch later on that is going to be your true litmus test.

    • Have you thought about a picnic near a river or the beach? It is really cheap, not hard to put together and women think it is so romantic.

  • You won't get any that like it. They want to be taken care of not equal to yourself. They want to be treated better than equal

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