What's the appeal of an a**hole?

I'm not complaining, I'm actually wondering what appeals to women when they date an a**hole. The a**hole will call her every derogatory term in the book and give her a black eye, but she still dates him. I kind of don't see the logic in this. Please don't be rude, this is just curious query that I was wondering about.

Updates:
Just an FYI, I'm not complaining, bitching, or whining. This was just a curious question. If I was complaining or some sh*t like that, you would have seen in a sentence or two, in the top paragraph, saying "All girls are the same" or "All girls like a**holes and friend zone nice guys".


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You're referring to abusive men as a**holes here? In that scenario the abuse starts a mental and verbal. The physical usually comes once they have their feet under the table e.g marriage, pregnancy, time. By the time he hits her he has brain washed her to believe that he loves her immensely but that nobody else ever could. That she is such a pathetic excuse of a person that he is almost a saint to not only put up with her but to love her. She should really know just how lucky she is to have him. (The funny thing is these guys are incapable of feeling love). He has removed her from her support network. Those he can't get rid of so easily he has made her belief that they are the ones manipulating her and will hurt her to get what they want. She has nowhere to turn, she has nothing without him, he's her world, she is nothing without him. For those few that are brave enough to leave it's even harder to rebuild a life than to stay. You're starting from worse than nothing. It takes years to reverse the psychological damage and you do it alone after losing your closest friends.

    Of course it's not logical. I'm sure most of the women who find themselves in this situation, at one time or another, made some broad statement about how she'd never put up with it and how she's baffled by the women who do.

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    • Great answer.. specially the last paragraph

    • It's weird because me and my ex started doing this to each other. Not the physical stuff but the psychological and now that I look at it we were taking turns taking shots at each other. Each time one of us did something like this we'd then get them to stay and it took us years to finally break free. Witch is a shame since she's otherwise a great person and I it's tough for both of us.

      It's too bad that we can sometimes screw something up that could be great in the long run.

What Girls Said 30

  • I don't think there is an appeal. I believe that most of these relationships begin with no knowledge of what the man is like. But I think a lot of women will at one point in their lives be in a relationship with one of these guys, whether they knew it ahead of time or not. How long they stay depends on the woman.

    Personally, I was in a relationship with one before I realized just how bad he was. Like confugirl and ColdFeet mentioned, it's often an insidious progression, often with a woman that has self esteem issues or has grown up in a family where there was some degree of either verbal or physical abuse towards females. That was true in my case. I believed that if a man truly loved you, he wanted to keep you all to himself, leaving your friends and family behind. Once he has you separated from your support system, the truly destructive behavior starts. And for many women, once it starts, they have little or no chance of finding their way back and out of the relationship.

    In my case it began with him telling me that he would take care of me, that I wouldn't need anyone else because I was so "special" to him. I was all he needed and I should feel the same about him. I should have had IDIOT tattooed on my forehead for those 3 years I wasted. While the verbal abuse and constant chipping away at my self esteem was something that I was dumb enough to tolerate for a while and in the end was beginning to believe, when it became physical, I had had enough. I discovered he had been cheating on me AFTER I contracted an STD and got a phone call from his 'girlfriend'. I confronted him. He swung a punch at me and if it had connected, I know that he would have broken my jaw. He was 6'6" and about 220#, I'm 5'3. I called the local sheriff and told him to leave my house. (yes MY house that I worked to pay the mortgage on while HE played with his motorcycles and other women and allowed me the privilege to wait on him) While I have NEVER been violent towards another human being, I went into the kitchen, got a meat cleaver and as he was getting onto his bike, I told him if I ever saw him again I would castrate him before I killed him. And I know without a doubt that had we stayed together, one of us would have been dead within a year. And I think it would have been him. That was the end of that relationship and I never saw him again. It saddens me to see so many women, especially young women in relationships like this when I KNOW how it's going to end.

    As for logic, there isn't any. It's not something that can be easily explained. I think the only people that can understand it are those that have been in these types of relationships. While the abuse may not be as overt or physical, there are a lot of really good men that are with horribly abusive/controlling women who cheat and berate them constantly and yet they stay, hoping that she'll change or else not believing they deserve better. IMO, most all in these relationships never dreamed it would happen to them.

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  • You assume that women willingly go and seek out these men. This is not true. Women decide things based on emotions. Most of these abusers they're with were perfectly kind to them in the beginning and by the time he started being abusive she was too emotionally tied to him to be able to untangle herself and leave him.

    Women do not seek out jerks and abusers. Women want a man who treats them right. But people change over time and he might not be the gentleman she fell for in the beginning. He might be abusive now. Most women with abusive men know their man is abusive and that she is not supposed to be treated the way he treats her but along with verbal and physical abuse often comes emotional and mental abuse as well. He may have her so depressed that she thinks that he's the only one who will put up with her. That she's not good enough for anyone else. Who wants an emotionally damaged girlfriend, after all?

    That's why they stay. He was not abusive in the beginning and she's been so damaged by his actions/abuse that her mentality on life is damaged. She doesn't think she's good enough or this is what she deserves so she stays. That's really all there is to it.

    Some women have the ability to cut the ties and leave but sadly the majority of women honestly are not emotionally strong enough to do so.

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  • I like a**holes because without it poop would stop coming out of me and then it'd get so backed up that I'd explode.

    As for guys who are a**holes, I don't put up with their sh*t. I'm a total bitch to them if they think it's going to be cute to insult me and be a jerk. My boyfriend is a really nice guy and I love him for it. If he wasn't nice I wouldn't have even bothered getting to know him. I don't know why anyone would date an a**hole.

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  • What's the appeal of an a**hole?

    Likely that he's attractive, sexually skilled, fun to be around, or confident since in my opinion guys generally want to be a**holes and will only be nice to a gal if he has no to little other desirable qualities of a romantic/sexual partner.

    In the physically abusive scenario there's most likely her having low self-esteem, self-destructive traits, martyr complex, delusion of fixing him, masochistic tendencies, and/or he deceived her by being appealing before being abusive.

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  • They aren't appealing to me, but I can tell you why they might appeal to other women. The a**hole doesn't instantly treat the woman like complete crap, he first starts by appearing tough. Manliness and confidence, women like that. Then when he has got her in his grip, the abuse starts and she's too afraid to be alone so she sticks around. And at this time he's pretty much convinced her that she's worthless. If the abuse does start instantly, then the woman is also afraid that she won't be able to get anyone else.

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  • They masquerade as exciting and fun people. It take a level of maturity to spot them

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  • Girls who date a$$holes do so because they lack self-respect. If you truly value yourself as a person then you don't put up with crap like being called names or getting black-eyes. Low self-esteem is just about an epidemic here in the US.

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  • Women who like men like this don't value themselves. Don't waste your time falling in love with a girl who chooses a man like this over you, in the end it's way too much drama and too much head ache.

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  • They don't come off as a holes at first. They are charming and sweet and by the time you find out their true ways you are already in love or in too deep to just give up on the relationship. Also the girl may have self esteem issues and feel like she can't do any better than him. If a girl was verbally or physically abused as a child it seems like normal behavior and she's more likely to accept it in her relationships when she's older .

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  • I had a bad boy thing when I was young...just as guys like to chase...girls sometimes like the feeling you get from taming the ungettable guy...the bad boy that will act different just for her. It's just like any addiction I suppose which I finally got away from...I also heard a guy once say...if you don't want the the girl then make her think you're sh*t...if you do want her make her think she's sh*t...hmmmm.

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  • If by ahole you mean someone who abuses the women and she doesn't leaves, it's explained in psych that they can't leave. It's hard for them. I forgot why it's hard for them to leave, but I think it's because they feel worthless and despite being abused, they think the guy loves them. Again, I might be wrong for the reason why they stick with those aholes, but it's something related to the psychology of their minds. And why girls go for jerks, I have no idea. Perhaps those jerks are attractive, and play nice so she could fall for him. I have no clue.

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  • Girls who stay with guys like that are afraid of being alone and they probably don't think they can find someone better.

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  • They think they change them

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  • Woman that date that kind of a man has no self respect and low self esteem...That's the only logical answer in my opinion.

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  • a**holes are often hot or rich

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  • Those abusive a**holes aren't anywhere near being appealing.

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  • You know what, I've never tolerated a guy who has ever hit me or called me anything negative. I'm too much of a princess for that. If you disrespect me in any type of way that will be the last time you see me. As far as the women who do let that sh*t happen, obviously they have no self worth and low self esteem. Maybe they grew up in households were that was normal. Some women truly don't see it as totally bad for a man to hit them. Even Chris Brown had many women defending his actions when he hit Rihanna. Some women think there are some situations where abuse is OK and justifiable.

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  • A**holes are unpredictable and exciting. The so-called "nice guys" or even "good guys" are just boring.

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    • we knew that...now get to the WHY part

    • @quantumdefender: Do you really need an explanation why exciting is more appealing than boring?

  • Guys who are a**holes are manipulative by nature. They know how to brainwash a girl into believing that the verbal and physical abuse are signs of affection. If the woman doesn't fall for that, he then guilt-trips her, pleads her to stay, promises to change etc. It becomes a vicious cycle, really. And yes, these are very rare cases. They do happen, but it's not like the majority of relationships are like this. Why it might seem like it happens a lot more, is simply because a lot of guys who have been rejected like blaming the rejection on everyone else. Instead of saying "oh, maybe I caught her at a bad time, or maybe she just isn't attracted to me like that" they turn around and say "she doesn't appreciate the niceness I had to offer, therefore she ONLY likes a**holes". So, they automatically label all the other guys "bad guys". It's scapegoating in a nutshell, really. I think both the rejected guys and the abused girls act very illogical in these cases.

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    • ok, I buy this response, but to countpoint...would a real man WANT a woman who CAN be Brainwashed?

    • I'm pretty sure almost everyone can be brainwashed if done correctly. It's not a personality treat, it's more about how skilled the person who's doing the brainwashing is. Also, what is a "real man"?

    • personality trait*

  • Kind of reminds me of that movie Enough, Slim picks the wrong guy who appears seemingly nice. When in reality, it was the other guy she was with before who was the one I think she should have married.

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  • I have seen a lot of a**hole girls date a**hole guys. They're perfect for each other.

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  • they don't want someone who gives them a black eye or abuses them unless they have some weird fetish... but their a**hole attitudes could create a sexual tension,theyre kinda seen as a challege,and I hate to say it but its true that a lot of nice guys get put in the friend zone because the girl has a lot of trust for them.a**holes also usually have more confidence and are more flirty and make sexual jokes.but most girls don't purposely look for an a**hole.

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  • I love nice guys, but if you don't at least show some interest in me (and not that "I'm picking on you because I like you" crap), within 3-6 months, he automatically gets friend-zoned, but if we have a sibling-like relationship, he gets "brother-ed." I have too much self respect to date a jerk and I won't put up with a guy calling me outside my name or hitting me.

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  • just from the title I thought this would be about anal sex

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    • haha no. not close.

  • no appeal, I hate a**holes.

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  • lol same sort of appeal as having sex with an A**hole (booty sex)... It's gross, different and more physically taxing and can hurt, the situation stinks and is often full or crapola... but to some it's challenging and thus more exciting, it's rare but when things are good it feels different than any other good feeling, and can keep them on their toes... but I'm not into either type of a**hole personally lol

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  • lol, oh please DeltSevenGuitar, when will you "nice guys"on GAG stop bitching and whining about a**holes? It is so old and most of the time, you guys don't even have your story right! You are just making up whatever excuse you can so that you don't have to admit that you are UNDESIRABLE to women. The situation you are talking about is RARE. It is RARE for a woman to find an appeal in a guy like that so get real and stfu with your damn pity party

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    • I'm not bitching. As I said before this was curious question that I was just wondering about. Maybe you should learn how to understand something better rather making quick judgments.

    • Okay well if you are not bitching then you are sincerely idiotic and irrational because this question makes no damn sense lol

  • Some women feel like they can "change" them, well the ones who stick with them.

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    • Probably the same type of "challenge" that a man gets when a woman is taken and he still goes for her.

    • that can go for when for when too. I hate when people try to go for people who aren't available

    • women*

  • They come off as sweet guys at first but they are manipulating a-holes

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  • Hi! Thank you for not being rude in your question! Too many guys on this site are rude and just like to complain. It sounds like you're not one of them though, and you're looking for a real, in-depth response, so I will do my best:

    First of all, not every girl goes for the a**holes. I'm not saying you're one of them, but there are many men on this site who assume that ALL women are shallow and hate "nice guys." This is not the case. Many of the men who say this only go for rude girls, or are really just bitter. Personally, I cannot tell you the appeal of an a**hole, because I would never date one. So to all the guys who are going to down vote this (not necessarily you, question asker), please try to understand: NOT EVERY GIRL LIKES A**HOLES. I AM A GIRL, AND I DO NOT LIKE A**HOLES, SO YOU CANNOT MAKE THAT STATEMENT.

    Secondly, you mentioned girls dating guys who physically hurt them. That is an abusive relationship, and there's a lot of research as to why girls would stay with someone like that. In that case, it's not that there's anything "appealing" about the guy, but he's messed with the girl's head so she won't leave him. He might threaten her to stay, he might suddenly turn "nice" and beg her to stay, promising he will change, and so the girl either feels guilty, or too scared to leave. However, for the girl's health, she should get out of that abusive relationship. But she's not in the right mind to do so herself, and so she usually needs a support system to help her get out the the abusive relationship. But there's also a difference between men who abuse women and men who are just rude. You can't blame girls who are abused though, because they are not looking for abuse, they just can't get out of it.

    I realize that my answer might not be what you were looking for. You are probably looking for the insight from a girl who personally dates guys like you described. But I don't think you'll get answers from them, because if a girl is willing to date him, she probably doesn't think of him as an a**hole. She doesn't realize that he's not good for her, maybe she's blinded by his attractive qualities, or maybe he's the only guy who has shown interest in her so she feels like she isn't worth much.

    Hope this helps!

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What Guys Said 9

  • They don't win the affection of another through intimidation and abuse. They charm them into relationships then slowly strip away the girls life until she feels that he is the only left. That's when he shows his true colors and by then, it's to late.

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  • EVERY person should read Bad Boys by Carole Lieberman, all the answers are in there. You happen to play a seven string man?

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  • Fun, confident, unpredictable, protective, creates emotional highs and lows.

    They like those qualities, not the abuse.

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  • To those types of girls, I don't think they even know what an a**hole is. To them, being treated like garbage is normal, the status quo.

    There's no appeal to it. It's just all they know.

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  • I'll go along with it.

    1. Assholes don't care what people think and they don't try to please. If you don't like them, they move on to someone else

    2. They probably have enough other good qualities to the point that they can afford to be a**hole.

    3. Maybe they aren't an a**hole at all to other people. It's just that they don't like you, or you don't like them.

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  • seriously I'm sick and tired of this topic being beaten to death!

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  • The situation you're talking about is extremely rare. It's not so much that girls like a**holes, they like guys that are more than one-dimensional. I'll sum up everything I need to say in the words of my girlfriend when she was telling me why she likes me. "You have the perfect combination of sometimes being a nice sweet guy and very considerate and then the next minute being a huge smartass." Basically, if I was a nice guy all the time, she wouldn't be attracted to me sexually. If I was a smartass all the time she wouldn't be attracted to me sexually. Now I am going to end it on what a girl I used to talk too back in my HS days said to me that made her like me. "You know how to always tell me what I need to hear and not come off as a jackass. Sometimes you say things that make my heart melt and sometimes you say things that open my eyes even if it sometimes makes me mad at you. All-in-all (my name), you just have a way with words."

    I think most girls just need the right balance of being told what they want to hear and what they need to hear and to be told in a way that isn't condescending. I think a lot of guys fail because they don't know how to talk to a girl and tell her what she needs to hear, even if it's hurtful, without coming off as a condescending a**hole. Coming off as an a**hole is fine, just not a condescending one. The reason why coming off as an a**hole is fine is because, yes, they will get mad at you and will not want to talk to you, but after having a minute (or weeks) to think things through they will start to rationalize the situation. Yes, girls do have the ability to be rational... despite the stereotype.

    The situation you're talking about are girls that are so f***ed up in the head . . . it makes me wonder why any sane guy would want to be with her.

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  • I think you're exaggerating this bad boy situation waaay too much

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  • They can "change" them! Women all think this and it's not true and not possible.

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    • I really don't like the "women all" crap that some men throw around. No, not all women think they can change men, or want to. I, for one, am a woman that has no desire to change any man. I'm aware that people are who they are, and they can't be changed.

    • That's due to the fact that you're 30 and mature. Women in their early 20's all have a jawline, big bank account and a**hole fetish.

    • Cahnge the "Women all" to "Certain women" or at least "Alot of women" and I agree.

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