Is there some sort of unwritten law about when good guys will start to be recognized in the dating world?

It just feels so hopeless right now. I barely even have any friends, and it's clear that I don't identify with others my age very well. It's like I'm just "there" but unlike everyone else my age, nobody really cares to socialize with me or get to know me despite my constant efforts to reach out to them, when the timing is correct. I'm not one to force myself on others and know people's boundaries in terms of what to do or say, depending on how well I know them.

I'm not sure what I can do at this point. I've never been a hit with the ladies, even when my heart has always been in the right place, with good intent, and I've always tried to be a good friend to all. But again, it's just like everyone else looks like they have so many friends, and are constantly dating within their groups of friends and beyond.

It's like they're "apart" of something that I'm not apart of, if that makes sense. Maybe I'm just not cut out for dating? That's what it feels like, but then what am I cut out for? When can things change for me, because I'm dying for change to come about in my life? :(


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well not knowing you personally it can be very hard to say this will help you! I mean for all we know you could be the hotty that everyone is afraid to ask out and you being friendly only make you even more of a too good to be true... Personally it took me years to figure out anyone was hitting on me and now at 23, now that I have finally started figuring it out, I constantly think I'm the last girl to get hit on in a place, it takes me about a month to realize which puts me in a weird place of constant well guys liked me a month ago what am I doing wrong now? Lol maybe one day ill work my way up to tht guy right in front of me is hitting on me right now! This could be the case for you too lol

    Another option is whatsoever you mean by nice? Are you all about her all the time? Cause that's a lot of pressure dude! Only butchy self obsessed girls who you don't want to date anyway like a guy who is all about them all the time. I want you to have a life so we have something to talk about, so I know you care because you can break away from that when you know it really matters to me! I want you to have time with your guys so I can have time with my girls!

    Another thought I had while reading your post was you feel like everyone is a part of something your not I thought of how many times a friend of mine has gotten into something she didn't want to because the guy was so pushy! It meet ends well the further it goes the worse it is and sometimes it is really hard especially in a friend situation. I've actually been there, I went back to visit a old home of mine and I saw an old friend-ish. We were both on two opposite sides of the same circle if you know what I mean, he and I never talked but apparently he liked me because when I said hi to him, he apologized because he was too drunk to place me but he knew my eyes because he could never forget my eyes, he knew them (it was a strange statement that never really left me) and then he kissed me and tried to take me home. Which I turned down even though I knew he was a really good guy and actually had a little crush on him when I first met him, but for me I wasn't there at that time I was reliving my past and was going through some stuff. The next day he messagede and apologized which I was very accepting about and he asked me to get together. We talked things out and he was understanding of where I was and I still think he is a very sweet fun guy who any girl would be lucky to have, but I couldn't be that girl, not then at least. But if I hadn't known what I wanted in life or been an open person I would have gone along with it... My point being you may be missing on this pushy part of relationships but that may not be a bad thing and also it could just be a timing thing you maybe just have bad luck at timing...

    Anyway the point is I can't tell you when your timing will be right, but if your genuine don't stop being genuine! I'm running out of space so I hope this helps :) best of luck xxxx

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    • Also I just realized that you didn't say nice the girl below me did so yea just replace where I said nice guy with having your heart in the right place/good intentions :)

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What Girls Said 8

  • Guess what... Girls aren't ignoring you because you're a good guy. You probably have some other dating fault. Are you boring? Needy? Desperate? Whiny? Unemployed (unless you're a student)? Unattractive? Pessimistic (it sucks being around negative people)?

    I can't answer that for you, so you'll have to take a good look at yourself and find out what is driving people away from you. In the meantime, don't use your "nice guy" quality as a cop out to your lack of dating success. We love a guy with a good heart, but not if that's the only thing he has to offer.

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    • I'm obviously boring by female's standards since you have to be a hit in the nightclubs to get any attention from girls. I'm not much of a party goer, I just don't care for it most times. In normal situations, I'm far from desperate or needy, since I find most girls repulsive. I have 2 jobs and am starting another year of school. Pessimistic? Probably, because the way my life has panned out, it's hard not to be bitter.

      What's with all the hot girls liking to party all the time anyway? :/

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    • So QA, are you only interested in a girl's physical appearances? What drives your desire for relationships? What is there besides looks, that is important to you?

    • I look for a good mix of everything.

  • So are you attracted to women because they are nice and good?

    Probably not. You're like most people, attracted to those first because of physical reasons? Well that's what women are like too.

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    • But I've seen far less good looking guys with girlfriends, sometimes hot girls too. It feels like I don't get a single look at all. Even ugly girls rarely show me any attention, not that I want any from them, but it's still very strange that I don't hardly get any from an observational standpoint.

      I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world, but s*** I'm not that bad!

  • The problem is your golden boy admit use. Girls tend to fall for bad boys because they are thrilling and unpredictable. Eventually they learn to fall for good boys when they are older and ready to start settling down. Just be patient and have a little more confidence in yourself. Try asking a guy friend to hook you up on a blind date, or to introduce you to some girls.

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    • Later in life, that's exactly when the good guys should reject those women. If those women chose the bad boys, force them to live with that decision :)

    • Try it but you might end updating alone. We don't choice who we like but in the end girls don't generally settle down with bad boys because they tend to be a little too wild and unpredictable and they realize there is no way in hell that a guy like that can raise a family

    • That's a good point and I may end up alone, but it's better than being with a woman like that. Besides since women have approximately the same population as men at my age or a little more, that would mean that if I'm alone, a woman will also be alone :)

  • A good guy is good because its just his personality, he expects to be rewarded within himself. You expect to get rewarded for "good" behavior like a "christian" who goes to church only on the days when he needs a blessing. if you want to be rewarded in life for the things you do, do them only to make yourself feel good and eventually everyone else will notice. peace outty

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    • Sounds like I'm in the "eventually people will notice stage." :/

      This sucks because, what if they don't notice? What if nothing ever changes? I have nothing right now, and guess what? I'll still be left with nothing.

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    • then you deserve to alone. if you have high standards and are picky for shallow reasons, why should anyone settle for you. date yourself, you seem to be the perfect guy for you. just stock up on lotion and kleenex for the next 60 years of your life.

    • That was a little harsh don't you think? I only want to find a girl that is similar to me. If that's not possible, that really reflects on how females are these days then doesn't it? Apparently a good looking, mature girl is too much to ask for :/

  • You can start by just talking more often and getting to know people instead of just giving up

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  • There is this awkward period where you try to find yourself, find out where you fit in, get your life in order and all that. Maybe you're in that? It happens. Waiting doesn't get you anywhere. I'm always in the background. People know who I am but they don't actively seek me out unless they need something from me. I can never tell if I'm being hit on or not. Getting a date is nearly impossible. Ask those people you know how many of their friends would drop everything and be right there for them? The chances are that the answer isn't all that many.

    Also do you always try to do the right thing? Or have you ever cut loose and done things a bit immature? If not, it could be that you're intimidating or seen as too good to be true. I know I get excluded at times because I don't see the same things fun as some of my friends do. I don't care for getting crazy drunk and casual encounters with random guys. But I'm still fun to be around. And when you're fun to be around, people want to be around you. Sometimes you have to take that risk, and speak up. You don't want to be a girl's friend if you want to be her boyfriend. Therefore, don't let her complain about other guys to you, or all of her life issues. It's a minefield but it takes some effort to master.

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  • Why do you nice guys always label yourselves as nice? Who cares that you're nice? Why do you have to say it?

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    • I didn't label myself as a nice guy did I? I said I was a good guy. That suggests a lot more qualities than simply being nice.

  • Being nice isn't enough. Anyone that is smart knows that.

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    • I'm way more than just nice. Anyone who knows me, knows that :P

What Guys Said 8

  • maybe you are working too hard at the 'reaching out.' Most girls will take that as flirting or making advances, and maybe they think you're too aggressive. Or, possibly, too shy, since you aren't directly asking them for dates, right? maybe they think you're lacking in confidence; there are many possibilities tied to your 'trying' too hard with girls.

    Try not 'reaching out' and just work on yourself, making yourself more interesting by trying new things, going new places..volunteering for unusual situations...

    You'll find that the worthwhile females will tend to reach out to YOU, and THAT is the right timing!

    Reaching out to them is almost always the WRONG timing!

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  • Everything can change for you. The first step is to decide what you want then make an action plan to get it.

    Sitting around being miserable certainly is NOT the way to get it. Start working out. NOW. Get some hobbies that require you to be around other people. Find things you are passionate about.

    Quit with the "I'm a nice guy, woe is me" crap.

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  • It's a sad truth buddy, girls your age are not looking for guys like you. Correct me if I'm wrong. Your often times thrown into the dreaded "Friends Zone" by girls. Despite your best efforts to try for something more, you end up having to hear about all her problems she's having with an a**hole guy. You basically put the time in, and genuinely care. Yet, receive nothing in return?

    If this sounds anything like you, it's time for you to change. Confidence is key, establish an "I don't give a f***" type of attitude. Whenever she starts talking about her boyfriend or guy she just met. Blurt out "I have a pet turtle". When she says "What?" Just say "I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter". She will either get up and walk away, not a big loss anyway. Or she will see you as an a**hole, who she now may wanna f***. Cause it takes balls to say something like that. Either way, your out of the friends zone for sure.

    I used to treat girls well and even was respectful to them. I rarely got laid, or even got into a chicks bedroom. I made the decision after a bad date, that I needed to make a change if I ever wanted to get laid on a regular basis. I started telling girl's what I wanted to do to them sexually, and basically said what was on my gutter filled mind and I didn't give a f*** if it offended them. Some were taken a back, others liked the fact I knew what I wanted and wasn't afraid to make the first move and go for it.

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  • Do you have good morals? That's what a good guy is. Just be a good person, and find someone that is not after looks, but is looking for a good strong person. So just be that good strong person, for someone out there.

    I also don't have many friends, but that is starting to change. Just be friendly, and do your thing. Things can change.

    Good luck.

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    • How old are you?

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    • You seem alright. There's nothing wrong. It could be just, that relationships are not as easy as they seem. It takes a lot of time and work.

      I'm not outgoing, and I wouldn't force it. But I can be open if I need to be, although I'm still very much a quiet person. So you don't have to change your personality. Just be natural.

    • I just need to find a place where I can be around and get to know some good looking girls. They're few and far between here.

  • Honestly, you have to be more of an a**hole. You'll get more women. Women will, desperately, try to deny this, but don't listen to what they say, look at who they choose.

    I know a few women at work who date or you have married guys who have respect for other and are, all around, decent guys. These women cheat on their guys with a**holes.

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    • You just hit the nail on the head. I have been the other guy for a couple years now. It's fun, but a pretty lonely life style as years pass on. I always ask girls why are they cheating on there guy? I never once got the answer, because they cheated on me. It's usually lack of desire in the bedroom or just not enough attention overall. After a few weeks or even months, they usually go back to there ex and I'm off to another girl.

  • realize that unless it's a good relationship it feels like a never ending torment

    And good relationships are as rare as rooster teeth

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  • The first step is to stop mistaking "loser" for "good guy." They are very different things. The second thing to do is recognize that being a good friend and being a guy that girls want to f*** are two very different things. You could be either one, both, or neither. They aren't that related. Work on being an interesting person first.

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    • So you're calling me a loser?

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    • And how's that attitude working for you? Getting you laid by a lot of hot chicks? Good luck, bro.

    • Thanks, "bro."

  • as a person that falls back to being a reserved introvert when I'm stressed or lacking confidence and often doesn't connect with people my age, stop caring what other people think. other people don't know how you feel on the inside so you can just BS your awesomeness.

    'nice guy' doesn't get girls very often. stop trying to be the super nice, caring, friend that you are towards girls that you want to date/bang. girls do not want a guy who doesn't challenge them. make her feel like she is dating up because she [thinks she] is not good enough for you. have 20 'INs' to get with a girl. work on this and try more...dont have a forced conversation. if you take more attempts you will have more sucess and eventually get even better.

    as for just making friends, chances are that other people aren't doing anything either. if you meet somebody and actually talk, ask for their number, call them up and see if they want to hangout.

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