Why don't women give me a chance? Should I just stop?

[Anonymous]

I am an intelligent, respectful, charming, and laid back guy; and yet women always seem to pass me by. I have a great job with good benefits, I have a bachelors degree, and an associates. I plan on furthering my education by applying to purdue. I'm no slouch in my social, or academic life I am always striving to work on my flaws be they physical, emotional, spiritual etc. I am a very understanding an empathetic individual.

Basically every girl I have ever taken an interest in has always turned me down; and that is not an exaggeration. Some just pretended to like me. Most of them have called me ugly or other horrible things. That was high school and I got over it. I'm in college now and girls still seem to act the same. They act like they are interested and once I start to show interest after talking to them for awhile and try to ask them out they just blow me off or say that they have a boyfriend. I can't talk to my family about this as they ALWAYS ridicule me and say that there is something wrong with me if women keep rejecting me, this of course hurts like all hell because if I can't go to them or count on them; who can I go to? My brother is the opposite of me he will sweet talk women just to get them into bed, go after girls who are in relationships get them into bed and not look back all because he can. He is 23 and I am 20. I'm more of the guy who is a gentleman but nowhere near a doormat or pushover. It actually gets worse because guys are approaching me and telling me I'm handsome. I mean no offense but I am not interested in men at all. This just makes me ask more questions like "WTF can a dude tell me in handsome but a girl has never ever told me that."

I am at a cross roads where I can try to take out this girl after she comes back from Marine boot camp, or just forget about dating completely. She is20 My biggest fear is that once she leaves she will be wooed by some buff dude, and forgets all about me when she comes back. I text her and she only replies when I text her, she never texts first. I said I wanted to take her out and she just replied "Huh" in a text conversation. I'm guessing that means she doesn't like me? All of this rejection has hardened my heart and thickened my skin. I can honestly say that I could be fine on my own indefinitely, but there is this small part of me that yearns for me to try once more; like a small beacon of hope. If I choose the former I know I won't regret it an ask "I wonder what it would've been like". Women, what do you think I should do? More importantly what is wrong with me? Why am I NEVER given a chance?

Please don't tell me that I am 20 and that my life has just started and all of that BS. I refuse to be one of those guys that's like 35-40 years old successful and ends up with a broken shell of a woman who requires me to take care of her and her 8 kids. I am a nice guy but I am not that nice. If anyone would like to know more details feel free to message me, as long as you give helpful insight.

Updates

+1 y

My truth is that I wish that small glimmer of hope that one day I would meet someone worthy of me/someone I'm worthy enough to have would just die. I'm tired of having the ideal and being unable to reach it, now I'm just trying to be realistic.

Updates

+1 y

@Rubyreddd I feel that you just came to this page to rub it in honestly. You really didn't offer any insight at all or any assistance. I don't go for women out of my league, we were in the same college same classes, same degree program, same work field. Not really out of my league is it? I don't wake up in the morning thinking "hmmm, why can't I have Scarlet Johansen". I am also a little insulted that you think that I believe I am owed an explanation. It's an internal reflection

Updates

+1 y

To all who'd like to comment honestly with the intent of helping; I'd like to know if you believe that a woman (not a girl) would reject a guy if he has never had a gf? I see rejection happen to men just because they have never been married at their age, I imagine that my experiences wouldn't even allow me to get the time of day. I know that my pain is trivial in the grand scheme of things, or the rest of my life as everyone loves to say.For the part of me that wants to believe:WILL it get bettr

[OjosOscuros]

First: Girl from boot camp is a no go. It's rude to respond with a "huh" after you clearly asked her out on a date. Don't waste your time on people like that.

Second: I don't think anything major is wrong with your from the sounds of it. I mean we all have our issues and we're not all perfect. We each have to reflect on our own flaws and accept them. I always told myself that in order to be honest with someone I had to be honest with myself first.

Last: I know what you've gone through and truth is so do many many other people out there. I know you don't want to hear this but the fact is that your age affects you in finding a good person. You sound mature for your age really, and I am willing to bet that these girls that you're wanting the attention of are not in the serious mindset. I can tell you from personal experience that my view of the opposite sex, relationships, and myself has changed drastically each year from 20 to 24. I used to have moments where I felt like I too would end up with someone less than what I deserved. But as it turned out, I found someone that I could only dream off a couple years later.

I know this isn't much, and you probably have already heard this before plenty of times but the trick really is that you just have to be patient. Good things happen to those who wait, I always said.

[Butterfly1002]

This girl gave it all honest and clear if your willing to take it :)

[Asker]

She leaves for bootcamp on Sep 9th, when I asked her why she wanted to join up pretty much said it was random. Why do you say that bootcamp girls are a no go? I will ask her tomorrow to clarify on that "Huh" . Which would probably result in her telling me she doesn't like me or a bs excuse. I don't mean to sound desperate or in need of a woman, but I truly just hate it when I don't even get a why or a chance to show them who I am. I feel that if no girl has given me a chance then none will

[Asker]

It sounds like I'm throwing in the towel but my mind is just at place of "Relationships= meh/pain". I truly don't feel anyone has gone through what I have gone through. Constant ridicule from those within my family and outside, and I still manage to keep it together.

[OjosOscuros]

The girl knows that you're interested in her but instead of being honest about her feelings she just decided to play dumb by replying with a "huh." It's rude and kind of insulting in my opinion. If you know the answer to the question, then why pursue it? It's almost as if you want her to hurt you so you can have another reason to feel sorry for yourself. They won't give you a reason why because they don't want to hurt you. You need to stop being naive and learn from past experiences.

[OjosOscuros]

Relationships will include pain. This is reality and if you're not prepared to accept this then it means you're not ready for one. You need to be ready for the highest and the lowest lows. The pain from my single years was nothing compared to the thought of losing someone I have already grown to love deeply. There are billions of people on this planet, and you think no one gets bullied from their own families? The fact you keep it together is actually really good, considering some get depressed.

[Asker]

Once again I feel that no one truly understands how I feel. I know that there are ups and downs. I don't want to get hurt no one does. If all I know is rejection then what am I supposed to think? I don't ask them "why?". I always look inward and ask myself that, I treat everyone different based on how they treat me, so each attempt was different. That is the reason why I always strive to become better at my flaws, most people don't do that.

[Asker]

You had a good initial answer, although I am incredibly insulted by being called naive. I was once but now I am not.

Just because you may have found someone who cares for you and vice versa; that doesn't mean that I will find someone.. Especially since women and men are swapping gender norms. I feel its better for me to just cut off that part of my life like cancer and move on from it and focus on my career and education. All of our stories end differently.

[Asker]

Also the only reason I wanted to inquire further is because this particular woman likes to laugh and play with me. I thought she liked me because she always had this weird fixation with touching my hair, she grabbed my ass frequently. All after we frequently talked. You talk of patience please look at my 2nd comment to Girl39. I appreciate your answer but I refuse to believe that any woman would give a chance in later years if I tell them I've never had a gf.

[Asker]

Before I am accused of wanting a crowd of people to pity me, just know that me trying and asking for help is far better than not trying AT ALL, sitting in a dark room saying "life isn't worth it" or "God doesn't love me" etc. I still plan to live after this, it's just one less distraction imho. It's not giving up if you accept what can't be changed. I acknowledge that women like me because I am too good of a listener and I am empathetic, sadly that is also the vice which prevents success intc.

[OjosOscuros]

You can't treat everyone different. You should always be yourself; treat everyone how you want to be treated. Do you play games with girls when they play games with you? It's one thing to try to be better but it's another to try to change yourself to please others. Who's perception of flaws are you going off of? Yours or the person who rejected you?

[OjosOscuros]

I apologize if I offended you by calling you naive, it's just that you talk as if you know the outcome of pursing this girl, yet you want to continue with it. You mentioned you're afraid that she is going to be wooed by a buff guy. Has her behavior given you a reason to think that or is this some lie you made yourself believe? I do agree that all of our stories end differently that's why you should always take this sort of advice with a grain of salt. You know yourself best and your situation.

[OjosOscuros]

As for the patience comment above, that is just an unrealistic situation. Maybe it's because I grew up in a very different culture where sex was something traditional and I knew some men who waited until their late 20s- early 30s to get married and have families. No good woman will reject you for not having previous relationships. If all else is right with your head then my first thought would not be that you have issues. If anything I would probably think you were more focused in your career.

[Asker]

I'm not trying to change for anyone at all. I know I have certain barriers which make me defensive sometimes and I want to work on myself so I don't have as many doubts. I know there is nothing wrong with just being friends but I barely get a chance for that either. If I can at all salvage a friendship, I will do that maybe things might change. My fear was that she was based on her being stationed and getting to know others (men) and not me. As I said she doesn't text or call me first, I have to

[OjosOscuros]

Well, fact is that she is leaving and she will probably be getting to know other people. She doesn't owe you anything. Again, if she doesn't call or text first, it's because she isn't interested. You have to let her go and know that you cannot control other peoples chosen paths but you can control yours.

[Asker]

Did you get my message?

[Girl39]

@OjosOscuros's advice is good :)

I know at 20 you feel you should've been able to get a girlfriend by now, but truly there are many many people who don't start romantic relationships til early twenties. I didn't have my first boyfriend til 19, and between 19-25 things really took off (anything from holiday flings to a serious long-term relationship). Relax about it, keep chatting to girls, and just keep being open to the possibility.

Just wondering though, the guys that tell you you're handsome, are they hitting on you?

[Asker]

Yes which is what baffles me the most. No woman outside of my family has ever said I was pretty, cute, handsome etc.

[Asker]

Also the being patient aspect also screws me. Lets say that in 10 or 20years I come out of my shell and date a woman, and get close enough to tell her I'm a virgin and have never had a girlfriend. 1st thing that goes through her mind is he must have serious issues if no one has ever given him a chance. End of relationship and back into solitude.

[Girl39]

I might be wrong but I doubt it will be 10-20 years, more like the next few years. People often 'grow into themselves' a lot in their early 20s. Don't worry about the 'I've never had a gf' conversation - don't even bring up the past relationships topic early on, and if the girl raises it, just say 'things have been a bit light on in the last couple of years, haven't had any serious rel'ships, how about you?". Release the info gradually, don't think of it as an awful confession you have to share.

[eveline]

Don't give up stop looking stop trying just be at the right time at the right place

[capncool]

I'm going to be the bad guy here.

1. You're overthinking everything and placing far too much investment into the endgame. You're in the mindset of treating every girl you meet as a potential girlfriend, and if she's your "next big chance" to get a girlfriend. Girls can sense when you're overly invested and it scares them off.

2. You don't seem sure what you want, other than you want a girlfriend seemingly for the sake of having one. Mostly everyone wants to find love, but you have to know what you're looking for in a potential partner. How would you picture your ideal relationship? Of course, nobody will ever get their "ideal" relationship, but when you meet someone and start getting to know her ask yourself the following: Does she fit with what I'm looking for?

3. Sounds like you're living a pretty decent life, but it seems like you're not that confident in yourself. You need to find that missing piece (and no, that missing piece is NOT a girlfriend) and find a way to fill it in. I could write a book on how to get more confident (google is your friend here). For starters, try something like getting a new hairstyle, getting in shape (makes a huge difference), or getting yourself some nice clothes.

[jamesma87]

I don't know what kind of girls you hang around who would call you ugly... I mean if a girl isn't interested, she should be trying to let you down gently and most will make up some kinder excuse like they have a boyfriend or will be honest and say they don't think there's chemistry between the two of you, or just go cold and not reply to anything.

From the sounds of it, your approach and flirting is a bit off so I would look into that and figure out what you are doing wrong. Maybe ask your brother for some advice, just because he's a womanizer doesn't mean that you would have to be. The point is though he knows how to talk to girls and how to behave to get them interested him him so I'm sure he'd be willing to help out and give some pointers

[Asker]

I will try this, thank you for your answer.

[GoGoDancer]

In order to get a Girlfriend you have to be a jerk, with a six pack abs. Women are gonna deny it all they want but the truth is Its the truth. Women and girls are so damn shallow they try to make it seem its all about them. You could be the nicest, sweetest, thoughtful guy on earth but if you don't have a perfect 10 face and body your ain't no where.

[Asker]

Yup

[GoGoDancer]

LOL of course their all gonna lie and deny it. Women love to be used, bruised and confused.

[1-3-2-4]

This is the truth

[ImSoSozzled]

not another one of these guys...

[lavalamp87]

lmao this is really just you pushing this stupid belief because you are NOT that and want to enjoy your pity party. Why don't you and the QA hold hands and cry together while you're at it?

[GoGoDancer]

@lavalamp87 stop kissing ass and go suck an egg.

[lavalamp87]

OjosOscuros broke it down for you "It's almost as if you want her to hurt you so you can have another reason to feel sorry for yourself. "

To be honest, I read your rant and it is almost completely about you feeling sorry for yourself. You want people to sympathize with you, which is being immature. One thing you can start on is to stop trying to make everyone "understand how you feel" because honestly no one gives a flying f*** dude. You think you're the only one or something? Women especially do not want a guy that has this victim atttitude.

I'm being harsh on you but you need to hear it. Or, you can just keep doing waht your doing and good luck with that lol

[GoGoDancer]

I just love fresh douche bags.

[lavalamp87]

im in no way being a douche. this guy is crying and when people give him good advice he instantly changes the subject back to "how bad he has it". its nothing short of pathetic and the NICEST thing anyone can do for him at this point is a good slapping. He's insanely insecure and that's what's killing all his chances.

[Asker]

I know that I am not the only one that's why I chose to post this. I am not crying I am giving more information to try to get to the root of the problem. We all have our insecurities, but your answer is kind of d-bagish. I appreciate your bluntness, but I also think you came here just to kind of kick a man while he's down, you just made your profile; you are on the hunt for people down on their luck.

I am trying to GET BETTER and I think that doing my own thing and focusing might clear my head

[lavalamp87]

no I am not here to kick people who are down. I have been giving mostly positive encouragement to people. In your case however, you are taking good advice and ignoring it completely to continue on your poor me sob story, hence why I'm being a complete douche to you. If you want to get better you have to grow up

[rubyreddd]

I hate to break it to you, but sometimes girls just aren't interested. YOU MAY NOT WANT TO HEAR IT, BUT THE TRUTH IS: Your life is just starting, you'll figure it out. They do no owe you anything for being a decent human being, maybe you should lower your expectations, I have no idea what kinds of girls you go for but it sounds like if they all reject you, they are out of your league.

[GoGoDancer]

In other words if the guy is not a 10 in terms of looks, he ain't getting no GF.

[Asker]

It's like if a guy calls you a "Ugly, fat b!tch" you may brush it off at somepoint, but the "Why did he call me that" thought will go into your head. I don't have untraceable standards for women, when I hear you say lower your expectations I hear "settle for less" I will not be dishonest with myself or lower myself for anyone, I know what kind of woman I deserve.