Dating a girl who actively self harms?

I've been hurting myself for years, and I have absolutely no intention on stopping. I never talk about it in any way, shape, or form, and I keep the wounds/scars covered (unless I'm going for a run). It's just my little thing that I do every once in a while that makes me feel better. Would the fact that while I would continue to hurt myself, and the person I'm dating would never see it until it's completely healed, would it keep people from ever wanting to be in a relationship with me?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I would have an issue with it, as it seems to be an example of self-loathing (or some other deep psychological issue). Not that there aren't other examples of self-harm which are not as obvious such as overeating, or even some that are invisible such as mental self-abuse. However, self-injury is perhaps the most graphic and therefore the most difficult to take for a significant other. Most people want the person they love to have a positive self-image, and would be very distressed to see that the person they love is hurting herself/himself. The person self-injuring may actually feel some type of pleasure in the act, while the boyfriend/girlfriend would only feel pain--even from just seeing the scars. This does not mean I would immediately reject a girlfriend if I found out she was hurting herself, but I would feel compelled to help her stop doing it. If she flatly refused to stop it would force a difficult decision on whether to stay with her...

    Given that you state you have no intention to stop I should probably not continue, but I feel I have to recommend that you talk to a psychologist or counselor. They could help you to understand why this activity makes you feel better, when for most people it has only negative connotations. They could also suggest some other behaviors which might achieve the same result without self-injury...

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What Guys Said 8

  • My first girlfriend was a cutter and I dumped her. It's a mental problem for the cutter and she needs professional help.

    Anyone involved with a cutter should give an ultimatum that she gets professional help or she becomes single. A guy can't be happy with someone who intentionally harms herself. When a guy cares about a girl he likes, he wants her to be happy. But if she doesn't have the mental capacity to restrain herself from committing harm to her own body it's just not meant to be.

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  • Yes... Yes... Yes... Don't dismiss it as a part of you, that is the word thing you can do. You need to take active roles to fix it. If it makes you "feel better" then you are so depressed to begin with that you have to hurt yourself. It frustrates me when people do this because it is clear to everyone else on earth that they are emotionally hurting, but they just shrug it off as normal. Just because you have felt like this for a while does not make it normal. I would never date a girl who cut herself. It shows she has no self respect or self esteem. It shows they are in a depressive state they can only bring you down too. It shows they feel alone and are not able to get close to anyone. Lastly it just makes me want to be sick. In short my reactions to a person who cuts are as follows: disgust, attempt to help, frustration, more disgust, possibly reporting issue to someone. If all else fails I separate myself from the person so I am not depressed by them, and so I'm not invited to the funeral. The harsh but true reality of the situation. I don't want to hurt your feelings, I'm trying to show you how severe the issue is and how negatively everyone else sees it. It is like talking to a drug addict. They claim they are OK and they push off help but unless they finally muster the willpower to overcome their inner demons and accept help they will be dead within 10 years. If you can't fix yourself I can guarantee that getting a date will be the last of your worries.

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  • I usually like people who are individualistic and have interesting hobbies, but that's overdoing things a little.

    You would scared the sh*t outta me.

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  • Yes, it would scare any man away? You need psychiatric help. It's not normal, it's not OK to do, there is something not right in your head that you need to see a doctor about. After you get some help, then worry about why guys don't like you.

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  • To start with, I would attempt to find out why you are self harming. I would need to know is it the result of a pathology, such a depression or anxiety, or the result of an inability to cope with emotional stress, etc.. Then, of course, I would encourage you to seek the appropriate treatment.

    For a more direct answer to your question: all else, a successful relationship requires one to be emotionally healthy. Therefore, I would not knowingly date someone that harm themselves.

    One can only conclude, if they advocate harming themselves, then who is to say that they won't attempt to harm me in effort to cope with a dispute or stressful matter that inevitably happens over the course a normal relationship.

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  • I would immediately help with finding treatment for you and I would sit in with you if you requested and basically just help you out anyway I could. But, if that failed I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with you.

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  • I think it's disgusting, and dangerous, and I would never want to be in a relationship with someone like you if you have absolutely zero intention of ever stopping. A promise would have to be made for you to stop, and I guarantee, the moment you do, I'd dump you like a solid bowel movement.

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  • Honestly I think you need to see a doctor.

    Dating is the last thing you should be thinking of right now.

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